Takes

The Texas Longhorns are no longer 'back'

Texas no longer back. Because they were back because they beat Notre Dame, who is not back. Now Texas is back into the not back category.

LSU will win their first game under Ed Orgeron because of the 'interim coach boost'

There's no chance that LSU doesn't win their next game. Coach O, he's the fiery guy.

The Syracuse defense is historically bad

The [Syracuse] offense looks inspiring, but the defense looks historically bad.

Wawa is significantly better than Sheetz

I prefer Wawa over Sheetz, but I'm not knocking Sheetz at all... Wawa is just a part of me. So when you go there and you eat it, it just tastes right.

Eli Manning is the funniest quarterback I've played for, followed by Aaron Rodgers and Andy Dalton

Eli is funny. He's sneaky funny. Aaron [Rodgers] is two. Andy [Dalton] is three... Eli is the kind of guy... he'll kind of crop dust you or just like drive by fart you and then just walk away.

Skyline Chili is garbage

Cincinnati Bengals, Skyline Chili. Garbage. Yes. Thank you. It's the worst... I asked people in Cincinnati, what's the deal with the skyline? ... It's greasy drunk food.

Flossing is a myth and doesn't actually help your teeth

I don't floss. You guys heard flossing is not – yeah it doesn't do shit... It's a myth... It was on the internet. Dude, there was an article about it. Four to five dentists recommend you not floss.

Peyton Manning will not sign with the New England Patriots

Hard no. [Peyton Manning signing with the Patriots is a] hard no.

Racism is officially over because FIFA disbanded their task force

Racism's over. FIFA, they disbanded their racism task force ahead of the World Cup in Russia because they said the mission was completely fulfilled. So FIFA, of all people, ended racism.

The Auburn girl getting hit in the face by a football was a staged video

I think it was planned. Obviously, she still got the ball off her face, but there's a second video of someone videotaping her behind her. That seems too convenient... I said in the text, I was like, I don't know how, but I know.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback and Jacoby Brissett is better than him

Tom Brady, system quarterback. That's obvious right now. I have not seen Tom Brady—did you see how fast [Jacoby] Brissett was? That's a whole other dimension. I think he's a better quarterback than Tom Brady.

Brock Osweiler sucks

And Brock Osweiler, holy shit, I think he sucks. I don't know if that's like that vaunted Bill Belichick scheme on defense or whatever it is, but he certainly looked like a kindergartner, a really tall kindergartner out there.

Mississippi State will beat UMass 35-14

I still think Mississippi State gets the W, but I think it'll be closer than the experts think. I'm going 35-14.

Do not schedule North Dakota State because they will stomp you

Do not schedule the [Bison] because they will stomp you if you do. Add Iowa to the list of teams that have gone down to the Bison. Now Minnesota, Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State, Iowa... have all been beaten and stomped on by the Bison.

Northwestern is the most arrogant journalism school in the country

Northwestern is a surefire number one year. And I would say everybody else is like seven, eight, nine, 10. There's no place more hubristic than Northwestern as a journalism school.

Skip Bayless is a professional hockey goon of sports media

A guy like [Skip] Bayless is a professional hockey goon. He goes out and skates around the ice and punches people. The people just happen to be LeBron or Chris Bosh, etc... He is one of the brilliant sports television people who understands how to push people's buttons and say ultimate contrarian things.

Deadspin under Univision ownership will not change as much as people think

I do not think that Deadspin under Univision will change as much as people think. The question will be, will the guys who are running Deadspin now stick around for the long haul or will there be a sort of an editorial change? But I don't think Univision bought Deadspin not to have Deadspin.

ESPN's future is secure despite cord-cutting

ESPN is a billion-dollar machine. They are not in trouble at all in terms of long-term standing... I think eventually we will get to a point where you will be able to purchase ESPN Singular on whatever device you use... they're still going to get millions and millions of people to make that purchase.

Kevin Durant is a whiny baby who gets an unfair pass from the media

Kevin Durant is a fucking whiny baby. He seriously is... You were in Oklahoma City for so long, and everyone gave you a pass. LeBron James was bashed to no end for not winning a title when he was considered the best player in the NBA for a very long time.

Terrelle Pryor is the Cleveland Browns' best quarterback option because everyone else will get injured

So they asked him if he was going to be willing to play quarterback because obviously if you're a Cleveland Browns quarterback, it's like being in the movie Final Destination. They've already lost two. They've got [Cody] Kessler. So Kessler is going to get hurt this weekend, too. And they said, Terrell, would you play? And he goes, I cut my finger off for the team.

Whoever wins the NL Wild Card will beat the Cubs

No one wants to win this wild card spot which means whoever wins is going to beat the Cubs... God damn it. I actually can't have that thought right now.

The US should invade Canada for their hockey players

Just invade Canada already... I'm sick of America being nice. Where's that gotten us? We haven't won a Hockey World Cup ever... Just do it just for the sports. Or just be a really bad neighbor... Let's shade all of Canada and then we own it.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

Mike McCarthy cycles play-calling duties annually just to avoid being held accountable for failure

Every year I feel like Mike McCarthy either gives up play calling or gets play calling back. If you move the play calling stick around, then nobody's really at fault.

Carson Wentz will look like a deflated Ben Roethlisberger in two years

Carson Wentz strikes me as the kind of guy that's going to get fat later, though... Two years from now, Carson Wentz is going to look like a slightly deflated and less aggressive Ben Roethlisberger.

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack is the ultimate football guy move

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack... That is the most football guy move of all time because there are like a million other things. I agree with Urban Meyer. Don't spend more time with your family. Don't maybe knock out fast food, but take it down from 2% to 1%.

Bill Belichick isn't being abrasive; he's just taking media questions at face value

A lot of people think that Bill Belichick is trolling the media and being abrasive on purpose. He's just answering these questions. He is taking everything at face value. You ask him a question about medical stuff. He is not a doctor. He is a football coach. That is his job. The doctors are doctors. He is the football coach.

It's a good sign when a football coach sleeps in the office because it shows they are working nonstop

I do love it when football coaches sleep in the office. It's the only job in America where I think if you just work nonstop at it, people assume that you're getting better at your job. But not the case for football coaches. They need to keep working. Not enough hours in the day.

Andy Reid is a mediocre coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Andy Reid is just kind of there all the time... He's not threatening. He's not going to win a Super Bowl, but he's going to make your team okay.

Seeing Jack Del Rio go for two will lead to a wave of unnecessary two-point conversions across the NFL

The NFL is a copycat league. A lot of people don't talk about that. But seeing Jack Del Rio go for it and seeing all the media coverage that he had... All the other football coaches out there are going to be like, I want that. I want the media to be talking about my nuts on Monday morning. And so you're going to see a lot of unnecessary two point conversions.

The Chicago Bulls have the only logo in the NBA that has never changed

The Bulls logo. Here's a fun fact for you, Hank. The only logo in the NBA that's never changed. And it's got blood on it, too. People forget. It's got blood on the horns.

By age 70, Dave Portnoy will weigh 90 pounds and still be taking Adderall

God knows [Dave Portnoy] probably will weigh 90 pounds and be bent over. Still taking the Adderall. I agree.

Apple purposefully sabotages old iPhones to force consumers to upgrade

Once Apple starts coming out with the new phones, they make the old phones break by playing Beach Boys, doing all these kinds of things. It's brilliant, but it's total disregard for the consumers.

Teaching children to drive a stick shift should be a prerequisite of parenting

Teaching your children to swim and teaching them to drive stick should probably be just prerequisites across the board. I tried to teach my son years and years ago when he was still looking out for getting girls... and he wasn't interested.

It should be an unwritten rule that you cannot use a charge card in the 12-items-or-less supermarket line

If it says 12 items or less, what is the point of even putting that if somebody's going to go in and fumble around for the damn card... Don't you think it's implied that if you're going to get in the quick checkout line that you're not going to use a charge card?

Theo Epstein needs to chill out for following people home to observe them while wearing a hat

Theo Epstein... said on a few nights when things felt bleak, Theo would wander the internet, linger on macabre things like air traffic controller recordings from plane crashes. He went on to say... 'I just like being anonymous so much that I would follow people home because they didn't know who I was and I could watch them... I could put on a hat and follow them.' Just chill out, man.

NFL Media should prioritize getting the All-22 film and Game Rewind up on time for 'film grinders'

Can we please get the All-22 and the Game Rewind up on time? There are a lot of people out there that like to sit and grind film on a Monday morning or a Monday afternoon.

SoulCycle is a lame cult that forces people to say prayers

SoulCycle is a cult... They actually made me say a prayer at the end. It was like a peace, love, like be the best of you and see your life through love. It was so fucking lame, man.

It's time to ask if Andrew Luck is a bust

Is it time to ask, is Andrew Luck a bust? Andrew Luck has caused me so many gambling woes, and the latest one this week where he was just throwing the game away... I can't really tell you anything from [the weekend] except that I hate Andrew Luck. Like, that's my biggest takeaway.

Von Miller is the best defensive player in NFL history

Best defensive player in the league ever. It's not even close. There's no one even who can touch him, not in the same stratosphere, not any Houston Texans, no one. It's Von Miller and then a bunch of random guys. Bunch of losers.

Kirk Cousins is still a really good quarterback

My biggest takeaway is that Kirk Cousins is still really good. Oh, yeah. He is not afraid to sling it. That guy, he'll stare down a receiver on a slant route and not even look at the middle of the field.

JJ Watt's fast recovery from surgery is a result of using steroids

Steroids are back. JJ Watt had two huge sacks, not implying anything. I'm just saying. He had a really serious surgery a couple weeks ago, right? ... Jesus and steroids, shout out.

Matt Ryan is officially back

I am going with Matt Ryan. He's back. Went on the road. Won a game. Matty Ice. Bring it back out.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

I'd like to say congratulations to the 2016, um, world series champion Chicago Cubs. All right, well, congrats to the future World Series champions.

Nebraska football is officially back

Nebraska football. Huge week three win against 22nd ranked Oregon. The program's back.

Washington doesn't have a chance to right the ship and make the playoffs

I think [the Redskins] don't have a chance just because I think the division got that much better.

Tom Brady will be the best he's ever been in 2016 and the Patriots will win 14 or 15 games

I think New England's going to go 14-2 or 15-1. I think Tom Brady's so angry right now, and he's going to be the best player he's ever been.

The Panthers and Cardinals will meet in the NFC Championship game

I'll put Cam Newton back in the Super Bowl just because I'm boring like that. I think maybe Arizona would be my fourth team. Give me that NFC championship right there.

You don't need to wash apples from a grocery store

I feel like there's a little bit more class in the apple handling department at a grocery store... [Gas station apples] I don't even want to touch the key to get into the bathroom to use the sink... I don't wash [grocery store apples].

The Bears will beat the Eagles 24-20 on Monday Night Football

If I had to give you my score prediction, I would say Bears win 24-20. That's what the streets in Bakersfield are saying.