Takes

The Dodgers will beat the Nationals in the NLDS

Who do you have in the Dodgers National Series? I have the Dodgers. Even though Kershaw? What about Kershaw? He's fine.

The Rangers' stadium really sucks

That stadium in Texas really sucks. I don't like it. It's just, I just don't like, I don't know, I don't like the setup. Yeah, I mean, the fans always sing, I don't know, it wasn't the toughest place to pitch.

A basketball team's quality is directly correlated to how many high fives they give

Earl Watson, the head coach... Earl the Pearl says that they're going to start tracking players' high fives... Naturally, the more high fives you give, the better you are.

The pressure for male TV announcers to have full heads of hair is messed up

Joe Buck has come out and said that he was addicted to hair plant surgery and almost lost his career... I think that's fucked up, the pressure that we put on our male announcers to look good for the camera. Always be looking good.

Coach Ed Orgeron will have a full-pad scrimmage on Saturday instead of resting during the Hurricane Matthew postponement

I actually think he's going to have a practice. He's going to have a scrimmage, full pad scrimmage on Saturday. Doesn't stop until at least three starters are injured and out for the year.

The NFL is done and finished due to tanking ratings

I think the NFL might be done. So their ratings are just tanking... why am I even tuning in if I'm not seeing a person dressed up like a superhero?

The NFL should bring back O.J. Simpson to fix their ratings

Just let O.J. Simpson back in the league. If you let O.J. play at running back for one game and just get destroyed... In the past year, what have we learned? We don't give a shit as Americans what it is. If it's about O.J. Simpson and it's on TV, we will watch it. So bring O.J. back. Yes, let him run. Bring the juice back.

Buck Showalter is a moron for not using Zach Britton in the Wild Card game

Buck Showalter is a moron. Or Zach Britton's hurt. We're all sitting here wondering why Ubaldo Jimenez with his 5.44 ERA was pitching. Zach Britton, his ERA, .54. Best in the big leagues. And he was being saved for game two. Either Zach Britton is hurt or he's just saving him for some random game that doesn't exist.

Toronto has the best atmosphere for baseball playoff games because they act like hockey fans

I love Toronto's atmosphere for these games. It feels like the Thunderdome, Terrordome, the Coliseum, if you will, best of the best. They are a bunch of hockey fans watching a baseball game.

Sports teams should stop using bird-related nicknames

Can we just call it a day with all the fucking bird team nicknames? I think we've hit our limit. They're not intimidating. It's like somebody asked them for a name and they look up and see the Blue Jays, the Orioles. Just knock it off with the bird team names.

There was a second ball in the pile during the Browns-Redskins Duke Johnson fumble play

I would also like to say that I'm a truther. I think that there were two balls on the play. I think that there was a second ball that was in the pile that we don't see, and then Duke Johnson had the other one.

Every lunch order is just a different variation of a sandwich

Panini, sandwich, wrap, sub. Those are my power rankings for lunch. Because if you haven't realized by now that you just eat any kind of form of sandwich for lunch every day, you're an idiot.

Pizza is not a good lunch food because it makes you fall asleep

See, pizza's not good for lunch. I'm just going to throw that out there. When you're eating lunch, my main goal is to just not eat so much that I want to fall asleep. And pizza will always do that to me.

A soup and half-sandwich combo is a 'power move' lunch order

My first one is soup and a half sandwich combo. That's actually a power move. It's a really good lunch. Not enough people order it.

The 2016 creepy clown sightings are a viral marketing stunt for the movie 'It'

What's behind all of this is that Stephen King's movie It is coming out in a couple months. They're doing a remake of it. That's it then.

A wet Andy Reid is a sad Andy Reid

A wet Andy Reid is a sad Andy Reid. Andy Reid, I bet, is like when your dog gets wet and smells awful. You don't want a wet Andy Reid.

Jeff Fisher has at least two games of security before returning to the hot seat

Cool throne, Jeff Fisher. He's got at least two games before he's back on the hot seat.

Europe is on the hot seat for being off its game across all sports

My hot seat, I've got the entire country of Europe. Europe has been off its game. They can't win at the Olympics. They can't win at the Ryder Cup. They lost England.

Germany is the Russell Westbrook of countries: talented, scary, and prone to freak-outs

Russell Westbrook is the Germany. Germany is the Russell Westbrook of players. Cyborg, super talented, kind of scary. Yeah, they just freak out every now and again. Then you have to do a rebuilding process. Dress weirdly.

Mike McCoy needs to be fired by the Chargers

Hot seat, Mike McCoy. Someone needs to fire Mike McCoy. It's incredible. He's 23-29. He's on his fourth year. They were up 34-21 with six minutes left against the Saints. Week one they were up 27-10 with 11 minutes left. Someone put Mike McCoy out of his misery.

Bill Belichick is on the cool throne because the Patriots losing shows they actually need him to coach

Bill Belichick is now cool throne because they lost the game with Brisket [Jacoby Brissett], so they actually do need a coach. So it's not just the machine that can go on autopilot.

The NFL will likely face a strike or lockout during the next CBA negotiations

I think there's a good chance, because I think the players don't want to give anything to the league. They don't want to give something big to the NFL in exchange for stripping Goodell of the judge, jury, executioner powers. And the other thing is going to be guaranteed contracts. Aaron Rodgers said it adamantly to me, absolutely guaranteed contracts.

The NFL should move to shorter, fully guaranteed contracts for players

In my opinion, I think the NFL should sign players to shorter contracts and guaranteed contracts. You're a battering ram. These guys basicially have two years left on a contract, but it's not guaranteed, so they just walk away.

Roger Goodell should hold weekly open press conferences with his biggest critics

I think every Thursday or Friday at 11 o'clock, [Goodell] ought to have a standing appointment with one of his tormentors... Bill Simmons ought to come in... Rachel Nichols and all the other people who have been critical of him... have it be all comers. You can ask whatever you want.

At least five teams in the league right now could easily win the Super Bowl

I'll name them right now. These are the teams that I think easily could win the Super Bowl this year: New England, Pittsburgh, Denver. Now, Minnesota could win the Super Bowl. Green Bay could win the Super Bowl. Philadelphia could win the Super Bowl. Have you seen their defense play? They've allowed 27 points in three games.

The Bears will move on from Jay Cutler in the offseason

I think they ought to give Jay Cutler a gold watch, say thanks for everything. We've got to move on. He'll start somewhere next year. I believe that they tried very hard to get Marcus Mariota.

Twitter is essentially the new Associated Press wire service

Twitter is a great tool... I had somebody a few years ago tell me, you know what Twitter is? It's like two generations ago what the Associated Press was. It's like a wire service... On an average Thursday afternoon, if I spend 45 minutes on Twitter, I know what the coach of every team said that day.

Michael Vick should be in the Hall of Fame based on his on-field performance

I would vote Michael Vick for the Hall of Fame based only on what he did on the field. But I don't think he did enough as an NFL player to be on the field. But whatever happened to him off the field, even though it did cost him two years, would not prevent me from voting for him for the Hall of Fame.

Odell Beckham Jr. should quit football and play soccer because he's basically European

Thoughts and prayers to [Odell Beckham's] happiness... Maybe cheat, go cheat on football with soccer... You're basically European, dude. Hey, I know you like to not use one of your hands. I'll do you one better. Use none of them and go play soccer.

Urban Meyer buys fake Twitter followers

Jim Harbaugh and Urban Meyer, I guess, are buying fake followers. I would definitely think Urban Meyer is buying fake followers. Jim Harbaugh, someone in the Michigan office is doing that. Urban Meyer definitely – I mean like I said, he fakes other things.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

ESPN First Take's ratings would improve if they made it an R-rated adult program

How can we solve First Take?... Or make it porn. People love porn. Just make it porn. Everybody's naked. First Take, porn... Replace them with Ron Jeremy, Peter North, and Madison Ivy.

The creepy clown sightings across the US are fake videos staged for views

I really dove into the clowns. They're all fake. It's all videos of people recording themselves driving. When in your life have you recorded yourself driving? It's them trying to turn around, freaking out like a bear is coming at them, and then the video stops right before the clown comes at the door. Until the clowns take action, I'm woke.

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series

I love him to death [Addison Russell], and he's going to win a World Series.

Jesus only had twelve real followers and none of them were fake

Just want a PSA out there for everybody. Jesus only had 12 followers. None of them fake. No, they were all real.

October is the best month of the sports year.

It's October. Best month of the year. Sports year by far. It's the only month where all four major sports will be in action. You got the MLB playoffs. You have all of rivalry weekends coming up for NCAA football. And NFL is starting to really cook.

Washington football is officially back.

Washington [Huskies] might be back. Well, they like to say like, oh yeah, Washington went to that Rose Bowl like 25 years ago.

Tennessee is a lucky team that will eventually run out of luck.

Tennessee has been the Les Miles team this year. Les was good for a really long time, but then he would have four or five games that he had no business winning, that he would luck into. And then, like, you get off to a hot start, and then your luck runs out, and when it runs out, it runs out hard. Real hard.

Wikipedia is officially back and is better than books.

Wikipedia is back in a big way. It ain't stupid. You had the head-to-head matchup, so nobody can possibly say that Wikipedia is stupid anymore. Wikipedia is back... I've always distrusted books, and now it just kind of backed me up.

Carson Palmer has 'turned back into a pumpkin' and is no longer elite.

Turns out Carson Palmer... Turned back into a pumpkin. It struck midnight, and Carson Palmer turned back into a glass slipper.

Trevor Siemian was 'Wally Pipped' by Paxton Lynch.

Also, did Trevor Siemian just get Wally Pipped? Ooh. I think he did. He got Wally Pipped by Bill Paxton Lynch. Put him in a twister.

The Atlanta Falcons are officially back.

I have my who's back, the Atlanta Falcons. Falcons are back. They are back. Last week you had Matt Ryan back, right? Well, no, two weeks, three weeks ago I had Dan Quinn on my hot seat. Then I had Matt Ryan back. Now I have the Falcons back.

Jeff Fisher will lose his next two games because the Rams are in L.A.

Jeff Fisher is losing his next two games now that the Rams are in L.A. Hollywood Jeff is going to be reading the dailies. He's going to see his name and variety. And he's like 3-1, 3-1. I know another team from Golden State that was 3-1 not too long ago.

Coach Orgeron is a cult leader whose novelty will wear off because he is not smart enough to sustain success.

The thing with Coach O is he's basically a cult leader, right? He gets in, and he gets these kids really, really fired up because he's got a huge personality... But he's too dumb to be a good cult leader. So, like, the novelty of being in a cult and really enjoying your cult status, like, it's going to wear off pretty quickly.

Skyline Chili is a prank the city of Cincinnati pulled on the rest of the world.

What do you think about my theory that the city of Cincinnati basically was like, we're going to pull a prank on the rest of the world and tell them that when they come here, they've got to try the diarrhea chili?

Wearing black jerseys is a guaranteed loss for Georgia football.

It's when we pull the black jerseys out. If we pull the black jerseys out, it's a guaranteed L, so we need to stay away from that.

LSU is the hardest SEC stadium to play in.

What's the hardest SEC stadium to play in? LSU. Even though we actually hung 52 on them when we played there... But they're insane. Their chants are in unison, which is really, really weird.

Dwyane Wade is the Heat's greatest player of all time, over LeBron James.

I think that Dwyane Wade was our best player of all time, obviously. [LeBron James] gave us two rings, even though he promised eight or seven. But Dwyane Wade was our best player.

Andrew Luck gets a pass for mistakes because the Colts' offensive line is atrocious.

I'm done making fun of Andrew Luck. That's the worst offensive line I've ever seen. He was running for his life the entire time. I'm actually going to give him an active pass and let him know that it's okay. You can fuck up because that offensive line is atrocious.

The U.S. won the Ryder Cup because they wore hats and visors while the European team didn't.

Could not help but notice that pretty much nobody on the European team wore a hat or a visor. And the entire U.S. team... They were wearing hats, and the U.S. won... It's also probably my favorite part about golf, which is when they take their hats off... and you see the insane forehead tan.