Takes

Jon Gruden was the worst coach in the NFL to deal with on the sidelines

Who was the worst coach on the sideline? Him [Gruden]. I don't think there's any question. And officials used to call me when I was in charge of the league and say, you know, Gruden was out of line.

Ryan Lochte should lean into his gas station incident by getting a gun sponsorship

If I'm Lochte, I think it's pretty simple actually. If I'm Lochte, I get sponsored by a gun company because you're not going to get held up if you've got a gun. I've got like some catchphrases already... Lochte and loaded.

Team USA's narrow win over Serbia counts as a 'statement loss'

After the loss against Serbia earlier this week, I know it was a win, but I'm going to call it a loss. I think that counts as a loss. That was a statement lost by us.

Giancarlo Stanton's season-ending injury is definitive proof of the Home Run Derby curse

He had the home run derby curse... so we actually predicted this. Not to brag, but we called it. Like a month ago, we said whoever's going to win is going to be out for the rest of the season. So sometimes it's tough to keep track of how right we are all the time.

LeBron James' massive contract will cripple the Cavaliers' long-term future

I think [LeBron James] might have crippled the Cavaliers long term with this deal... The Cavaliers, they've got so much dead money that's going to be hanging around LeBron James' neck in three years. They're going to be lucky to eke out 40 wins in a season.

The Warriors window will open in a year and a half and they will be set for the next 5-10 years

This is basically a free agent signing for the Warriors. Like, getting the Cavaliers to commit this much money to [LeBron] right now... So the Warriors are going to be – their window is going to open up in like a year and a half. And then they're going to be set for the next like five, ten years.

The NFL needs to officially suspend Aaron Hernandez immediately

Aaron Hernandez, now convicted of the murder of Odin Lloyd, he's been charged with double homicide. He's being investigated for another shooting. Still not officially suspended by the NFL... We are the Woodward and Bernstein [of this story].

The years AD 614 to 911 did not actually happen

The phantom time hypothesis. So there are a bunch of people out there that truly believe that the years AD 614 to 911 didn't happen... They were all made up by the church. So like that's 300 years of human history that we just were taught about, but they don't happen.

Stevie Wonder isn't actually blind

Stevie Wonder isn't blind. Have you seen some of the clips out there? He catches microphones that are falling down. Like he's pointing at people. He's a blind guy that points. They do not point. Stevie Wonder is not blind. Look it up.

Wisconsin threw the 2014 Big Ten Championship game so Ohio State could make the College Football Playoff

Wisconsin threw the 2014 Big Ten championship game 59-0 so that Ohio State could go to the national championship game... Barry Alvarez, Wisconsin AD, sits on the selection committee... He knew, hey, listen, if we're going to get the Big Ten into the national championship, they've got to put a whooping down. Hey, Wisconsin – Go ahead and roll over. 59-0. Let's make it a bloodbath.

ChapStick is a myth that creates its own dependency

I think ChapStick's a myth, too. Like, I don't believe in ChapStick. I've never put on ChapStick one time in my life, and I've never thought I needed ChapStick. But once you start using it, then your mind tells you, I need more ChapStick.

The 1969 moon landing was faked

I also don't think the moon landing was real, but that's, again, those are more facts, not conspiracy theories.

Donald Trump is trying to lose the election to start a cable news network

I'm so convinced that [Trump's] trying to lose. And if you think about it, it sets up perfectly for him to lose. He has somebody to blame, press, the other Republicans... He then can go back, start his own cable TV news network, employ his children on each one of the shows, won't have to do the heavy lifting that's involved in being president... He said something today about the fact that it wouldn't be so bad if he lost. It wouldn't be the end of the world. That's the first little step.

Saints rookie Michael Thomas is a massive fantasy alert catching everything at camp

Mike Thomas from the New Orleans Saints has been catching everything, and he's an Ohio State guy too... Definitely a fantasy alert there.

Urban Meyer will win a national title before he has another health issue

I think that [Urban Meyer] is going to win a national title before another national title. [Big Cat: Before another fake heart attack?] There was nothing fake about it, Big Cat... Show some concern for your fellow human beings.

Bobby Petrino coaches every game with a waistband-tucked boner

I've got a theory that Bobby Petrino coaches every single game doing a waistband tuck... He's got full erection. Every conference game, he's got a full erection. Just keep an eye on that for maybe a little cherry poking out of the top.

Michael Phelps is the greatest Olympian of all time

Michael Phelps, the greatest Olympian of all time.

A man should only cry after losing his virginity or winning an Olympic medal

I always love it when our Olympians have a good cry... I would say that and maybe after you lose your virginity is the only acceptable time where a man can cry.

LeBron James would be the best of all time in any Olympic sport he chose

Could LeBron James dominate this sport? And the answer is always yes. If LeBron decided not to play basketball and instead was a swimmer or a high diver or a handball player or a soccer player, he'd probably be the best of all time.

Any adult male with no wife or kids who is a 'gymnastics enthusiast' is a 'pre-crime' suspect

I feel like there's just always like a few creepy dudes hanging around the gymnast. If you're a gymnastics enthusiast and that's where the line stops, like you have no personal connection to the sport, you just really like it. Maybe just watch on TV. No wife, no kids. But you do love your women's gymnastics. That's what we call a little pre-crime.

The U.S. will win a World Cup in the next 10 years

First question for you, Landon, will the U.S. win a World Cup in the next 10 years? [Landon]: Yes.

Jurgen Klinsmann will still be the U.S. coach in 2018

I do believe [Jurgen Klinsmann] will be the coach in 2018. I think there's been a lot of ups and downs during his tenure, but I think recently the team has looked better.

College is still a great option for many aspiring professional soccer players in the U.S.

Not only staying in Major League Soccer, but for a lot of people, college is still a great option to play college soccer and get a scholarship. I mean, very few people, as you know, go from a high school star to being a professional player. It's a very small percentage.

LeBron James would be the best soccer goalie of all time, but he is too tall to be an elite field player

If LeBron James decided to play soccer instead of basketball, would he be the best soccer player of all time? [Landon]: I mean, he's still a little tall to be able to move the way – he'd probably be the best goalie of all time.

If I were offered $15 million to play next year, I would come out of retirement

If someone were to offer you $15 million to play next year, would you play? [Landon]: Yes.

Tim Tebow is like a six-year-old because he hasn't sucked enough at any job to rule it out as a possibility

[Tebow] is basically like a six-year-old. He's just like, I want to be a professional football player... I want to be a baseball player. And he's going to get the chance to do that. So it's like when you're six years old... you can say like an astronaut because you haven't proved that you're incompetent at anything. The best thing that you can say about Tim Tebow is that he doesn't suck enough at anything where any job is really out of the remote possibility for him.

Tim Tebow could land any airplane in America

Tim Tebow, are you kidding me? Tim Tebow could land any plane in America. He's got a lot of practice with a joystick, too.

Tim Tebow has a better playoff record than many 'great' NFL quarterbacks

People forget Tim Tebow is 1-1 in the playoffs. .500. That's a better record than a lot of great quarterbacks out there... That is the same amount of playoff wins as Tony Romo.

Prince Fielder will finish his career with the exact same number of home runs as his father

If Prince Fielder never plays another Major League Baseball game, he will end his career with 319 home runs. Same amount of home runs as Cecil Fielder.

Mark Teixeira is one of the most forgettable great players of all time.

Mark Teixeira, I think, goes down as the most forgettable great player ever. Like one of the most forgettable great players of all time. He has over 400 home runs. He was great at first base. He won a title. And do you think there is a single Mark Teixeira fan out there?

Alex Rodriguez never truly earned his pinstripes.

Did A-Rod ever earn his pinstripes? I would say no.

A-Rod will enter the Hall of Fame as a Seattle Mariner.

I don't think he's a true Yankee. I think he goes in the Hall of Fame as a Mariner.

LaRon Landry is the number one steroid user because he is 'half Hulk.'

Number one [steroid user], I got LaRon Landry. Oh, you're going outside of baseball. Okay. There were a couple pictures of LaRon where it was like, this dude is half Hulk.

Cal Ripken Jr. probably used a lot of steroids.

Mount Rushmore of steroid users. Cal Ripken Jr. He's number one. People didn't know that. Probably used a lot of steroids.

Mark McGwire is the top steroid user, and his 1998 home run title should have belonged to Sammy Sosa.

I got Mark McGwire. It's a shame what he did to Sammy Sosa that season because that should have been Sammy's home run title. So Mark McGwire is my number one.

The Hall of Fame game cancellation was a conspiracy to force viewers to watch the Olympics.

The Olympics, tonight was supposed to be their big night. They needed the ratings... NBC, their president is a guy named Steve Burke. Steve Burke just happens to be a former Disney executive. Maybe he called in a favor... [the painter] is probably the easiest person in the world to pay off.

Bob Costas was a better Olympic broadcaster when he had pink eye.

My big thing is I miss pink eye Bob Costas. It's not the same with him with two functional eyeballs out there. I miss it. I miss it. He was so good when he was playing hurt. I actually think he was better when he only had one eye.

Mayonnaise is a great condiment that needs to be destigmatized.

Mayo doesn't get enough respect... If there's one thing I want to bring back in this world, it's the destigmatization... it's that mayo is a great condiment and people should not be ashamed to use it.

The best 'sauce' is 'Barbacuffalo,' a mix of barbecue and buffalo sauce.

My number one [sauce] is Barbacuffalo sauce. It's when you mix barbecue and buffalo sauce together. Hank invented this a few years ago and he eats buffalo and barbecue sauce combined.

The best 'sauce' is dipping fries into a Wendy's chocolate frosty.

The chocolate frosties from Wendy's. Dip fries in a chocolate frosty. That's the best sauce there is.

Ketchup is a trash condiment.

Ketchup's trash, man.

Queso and guacamole both qualify as sauces or condiments.

Number two, queso. Oh, man, that's cheating... obviously queso. No, it's also a condiment. You can put queso on a steak... you can put queso on a sandwich. Number three is salsa. Number three is guacamole. You can get it on a sub.

I unequivocally believe in Teddy Bridgewater as a franchise quarterback.

I do [believe in Teddy Bridgewater]. Yes, unequivocally... his arm strength is a problem, but it's the same problem that Rivers has had and Rivers is a perfectly fine quarterback... I know he has the arm strength of a dragonfly, but I like him.

Jay Cutler will never make 'the leap' at age 32.

I'm not scared of Cutler... I don't think [him putting it all together] is going to happen.

The Vikings will win the NFC North this season.

I have the Vikings winning the division, which means they're all going to die in a bus crash or something like that. Something awful will happen. But I really like the team.

It is unavoidable for every high-volume media company to eventually have a scandal like the Hulk Hogan Gawker story.

It seems like it's unavoidable at certain points to have some story, because you're just churning out lots of content, to have some story go awry and go off the rails... I think that it's difficult, almost impossible to avoid.

The US Basketball team should just say they were 'guys being dudes' to explain accidentally walking into a Brazilian brothel.

If the USA team wants to keep all their fans, they just say, listen, we're just guys being dudes. Finally a place where guys can go to a bar by themselves, not be hassled by women. We found it. The only spa in all of Rio de Janeiro that only allows men. And then, whoops, turns out it was a bunch of prostitutes there.

Vladimir Putin's decision to dope the Paralympic team shows an admirable commitment to winning.

I almost respect that. Like I'm now kind of on Putin's side. If you're going to the extreme lengths of taking your most vulnerable citizens and saying, we're going to pump you up with horse steroids, that's at least a commitment to winning.

Jim Furyk's 58 deserves an asterisk because he didn't even win the tournament.

I was about to say, like, shouldn't there be an asterisk on his round? It absolutely is. I mean, it happens all the time. So I guess good for Furyk. But like at the end of the day, you know, you don't get a trophy because he shot a 58.

Jim Furyk probably has a secret second family that he has been hiding for years.

I wouldn't be surprised if Jim Furyk has like a second family that pops up soon... You don't want to get that many people talking about you because you probably have an entire second family that you've had for like 10 years. You have a six and an eight year old with a totally different woman than your wife.