Takes

Retired players should fake-tweet they are returning to the league just to get back into the news cycle

I think more players should start doing this where they just fake tweet that they're coming out of retirement. Just get people talking about him because I didn't even know Jason Campbell was retired... Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again.

Jeff George should tweet something racist just to feel like a celebrity again

Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again... That has to be a desire you have to fight every day.

Rache Caldwell is the world's worst criminal

The whole premise of it is like [Rache] Caldwell is the world's worst criminal... he orders five and a half pounds of MDMA from China and it shows up on his doorstep delivered by a federal agent.

LeBron James is the most valuable player in the NBA, regardless of who wins MVP

I would say LeBron should be the MVP this year, though. He is the most valuable player in the NBA. That's a fact. Well, I guess we got to get into a debate over what valuable means.

Never stay for a third night at a Vegas bachelor party

You want to go for two days like two nights and then fly out of town on the third day. If you stay for the third day, the chance of you dying or getting arrested goes up like 150%.

Don't try to coordinate group activities for a Vegas bachelor party if you have more than six guys

If it's anything more than six guys, don't worry about doing anything together because it just won't happen. Every time I've gone to a Vegas bachelor party, it's been like 15 guys. And there are actually people I don't even know were on the bachelor party because I just never saw them.

Check yourself into the hospital to avoid being in trouble with your mom for missing an event

Check yourself into the hospital. Say you got some kind of injury or something. Cause your mom instantly goes from being furious at you for missing her birthday to so worried about you.

Alexander Ovechkin deserves the heat for the Capitals failing in the playoffs

I'm going to blame Ovi... Call me a dumb fan. That's fine. Call me a dumb fan... But if you want to be a top player in any league, you're going to get this heat. It just happens. It happens to every guy. It happened to Peyton Manning. It's happened to A-Rod.

I'm dreading the Capitals' inevitable playoff exit more than ever

I should schedule a reminder in my phone that goes off this week every year saying, okay, schedule some time with your therapist... this is the gut punch that I get every year and I've gotten it for the last 15 years.

I'm officially done with Riley Curry

I'm hashtag done with Riley Curry. i've i've had it that's riley time riley curry okay yeah it was it was cool last year um it was a nice little like diversion from the normal post game press conference now i feel like i feel like she's reading her press clippings a little bit too much and she thinks that she's really cute and she might be really cute but she she knows that she's really cute now and last year she didn't know it she was just being cute so um i'm done with riley curry don't want to see her again

The Cavaliers could beat the Warriors in the Finals

The entire season has been about the Warriors and then a little bit about the Spurs. The Cavs, they can do like the whole nobody believes in us shit, which is unreal with a guy like LeBron on your team. And I don't know, man. I wouldn't be shocked if they beat the Warriors. I really wouldn't.

Kevin Love is the best player of all time because he is 12-0 in the playoffs

People forget that Kevin Love is undefeated in the NBA playoffs... He's undefeated. 12-0. The Cavs literally never lost with Kevin Love. Kevin Love has literally never lost in the playoffs. He's maybe the best player of all time.

Steph Curry getting 131 media members to agree on anything is more extraordinary than his play

The news on this press conference is not that he won. It's that he managed to get 131 media people to agree to the same thing at the same time because that's far more extraordinary than scoring 17 points in an overtime game.

Steph Curry has been a detriment to the Warriors for years

I think Curry has been a detriment to this team for several years now. From the moment that he forced them to trade the eminently superior Monta Ellis.

The best way to beat the Warriors is to put Kawhi Leonard on Steph Curry

You have Kawhi Leonard guard Stephen Curry and basically make everybody else beat you... while Leonard is not as good a defender as Curry is an offensive player, he's as close as anybody in this league is going to get.

The NBA deserves bad officiating because they retired the great iconoclasts like Joey Crawford

Joey Crawford's retirement is one of the darkest moments in what has been a pretty lackluster season... Officiating in the NBA was better with two guys who knew what they were doing... now they get Scott Fosters. Now they get Tony Brothers. They deserve it. They deserve to have nothing but crappy officiating from now until the end of time.

I could still play in the NFL, but I'm too washed up to get an invite

I think that I probably could [play]... [but] I got no real invites. I'm too washed up, man. Too much of a has-been.

The NHL should ban players from diving to block shots

He [my dad] doesn't think that they should allow players to dive to block shots in the NHL anymore because he likes more goals... a lot of hockey lifers are going to disagree with me because it's like you get the bruises on your body. That's how you know you're a hockey player.

I side with Darren Rovell over Dana White

Ravel and Dana White are in a fight, which is the nerd and the jock. I obviously side with Ravel here. It seems as though he's in the right.

I'm sick of eSports being pushed on regular people

i'm not into esports but i am into drone racing... Esports are for all the people who think the NFL is going away... Let's have a bunch of nerds play video games and we'll watch and we'll take over for all of our, you know, sports that we've loved for 100 years. Get the fuck out of here, man. I'm sick of the esports thing. I really am.

I could knock out Floyd Mayweather in a punch-for-punch fight

Punch for punch. I get three months to train my neck... Punch for punch. I could knock out Floyd Mayweather. People forget Floyd Mayweather is like 140 pounds, and I'm like 230, baby... As long as I can train my neck, that's the only stipulation I get.

Michael Jordan doesn't actually get paid for the Crying Jordan meme

Black Twitter bullied ja rule off of twitter and and this was because ja rule said that michael jordan gets paid a dollar for every time the crime jordan face is tweeted yes yeah which if we are ranking ja rules tweets it actually wasn't the top tweet he's ever had... This guy thinks he just cracked the lotto and Michael Jordan makes a dollar off every picture on the internet.

A football team of active military troops would dominate the NFL

I can't be the only one who thinks if the troops wanted to, they could put together a football team and dominate the NFL.

Bob Costas is passionate about every sport he covers except for Sunday Night Football, where he sucks

Everything that [Bob Costas] attends, that's the kind of passion that Bob puts, except for Sunday night football. He sucks at that. He's like, 'hey, America, knock it off with the guns.' And then everyone's like, 'oh, shit, we should probably get rid of our guns.'

The 2016 Cubs are the best team in MLB history and will sweep the World Series

I think this might be the best baseball team in the history of Major League Baseball, and I think that there's no chance that anything bad could happen to them this year. Like, they're going to cruise. I think it's going to be four-game sweep in the World Series.

Bryce Harper is a coward for taking intentional walks instead of swinging at pitch-outs

I actually think that Bryce Harper is a coward for not swinging at any of those pitches. Say what you want about Vlad Guerrero, but the guy would take a cut at a pitch out. My question is, if Harper doesn't like it so much, why does he put a stop to it and just take a running start and just groove one of the meatballs that's thrown outside?

Dusty Baker's toothpick look is a 'I'm better than you' power move

Dusty's got the biggest gut in the game... the one thing I respect about Dusty and I've always respected, he's a toothpick guy. And I'm publicly in the market to be a toothpick guy because it's a very hard look to pull off, to just always have a toothpick in. He'll have an interview and he'll have a toothpick in, which is kind of like 'I'm better than you. You don't even deserve for me to take this toothpick out of my mouth' move.

Mother's Day on social media is just a contest to see who can love their mom the hardest

The Mother's Day in the social media era is basically who can love their mom the hardest and tweet about loving their mom... It's become a big contest.

New Zealanders and Australians are just cooler than Americans

Anyone from those two countries [New Zealand and Australia], they're just cool people. That's just a fact. They're cooler than us.

Dwyane Wade dunking during the Canadian national anthem is the most American thing possible

He was actually dunking during it, which I think is the most American thing that you can do is just be dunking during another country's anthem. But like, isn't there a fine line between being like too courteous to another country and then committing treason? Because if you're really respecting the other anthem, that means that you don't love your own country.

The Jaguars are definitely going to make some noise this season

I think we're definitely going to make some noise. Yeah, you know... we're looking forward to making some noise this year.

JJ Watt grunts and moans while chasing quarterbacks

No, [JJ Watt] is not a big talker at all. Like it's kind of – you kind of just – you hear him like grunting and moaning behind you as he's coming. He just makes noises, really.

My alliterative name is a huge reason for my success

It's a huge part of my success and a big reason why I kind of am where I am today. [Matt Bortles or Ted Bortles] nowhere near it – no, not even close.

The Bears only win because of 'Bear Weather'

[Big Cat]: The 85 Bears basically won because of bear weather... when the weather gets worse, the bears get better. [Bortles]: Is that like something you guys say or you're actually talking about like Mother Nature?

London beer is served at room temperature except for Guinness

If you do go to London... they don't serve cold beer. It's all room temperature. So actually they have ice cold Guinness so hopefully you like Guinness. It's the only time I think I ever drink Guinness when I go to London.

A number never won a Super Bowl

Here's a stat for you. A number never won a Super Bowl. Fact.

Blake Bortles should embrace male pattern baldness to avoid being hated

You need to let it go. Go full male pattern baldness. If you have a quarterback who has beautiful hair and is ascending and a great quarterback, people are going to come and start hating you. If you have a hilarious male pattern baldness, if you look like Larry David and you're an NFL quarterback... who's going to make fun of you?

Newspaper guys only use Twitter to complain at airlines

Newspaper guys also love to complain about airlines. That's actually, like, the only reason newspaper guys have Twitter accounts, so that they can tweet at the airlines. And also, all their Twitter accounts, it's their stock photo from the newspaper picture day in 1992.

Bartolo Colon is back on steroids because he hit a long home run

My witch hunt is it's pretty obvious. Bartolo Colon is back on steroids after he jacked that dinger like that went to like the 12th row. That was no small dinger. That was like a legit shot.

Bartolo Colon is allowed to do steroids because he never goes to the gym

Bartolo Colon, though, he absolutely falls under our pardon my take, use it, don't abuse it steroid law because there's no way he goes to a gym. So if he wants to do steroids, he can do steroids as far as I'm concerned.

Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes beat the Monstars at the end of Space Jam

The spoiler is that Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes beat the Monstars in the end.

I like 'White Randy Moss' more than the football-playing Randy Moss

Not to be racist, but I like white Randy Moss more than black Randy Moss. ... I'm a bigger Randy Moss fan, the [broadcaster], than I am of the football playing Randy Moss.

I want to see a linebacker demolish the special needs kid during feel-good football plays

Does it make me a bad person that when that happens I always want some kid to just like truck stick them? ... I always want the opposing linebacker to just demolish the special needs kid and be like, no free plays on my field.

Always be wary of an 'offensive genius' coach

The offensive mind, always be wary of the offensive mind. That's actually a good motto in life. Mark Trestman's another one. Always be wary of the offensive genius. I'd rather a defensive guy than an offensive guy any day of the week.

The Capitals would be better if they had a 'junkie mom' coach like Bruce Boudreau

They never should have gotten rid of Bruce Boudreau... because he's a really shitty coach. ... The best analogy I can give is like if you have a mom who's a junkie. A lot of times the eldest siblings will step up their leadership roles. ... If you have a guy who's a huge putz, then everybody else on the team, all of a sudden they have to mature really fast. They raise their brothers and sisters because mom's hooked on dope in the kitchen.

The only weakness for the 2016 Cubs is that they are still the Cubs; it will be all-time heartbreak

The thing that scares me is the only weakness I can find on this Cubs team is that we're still the Cubs. ... It will be all-time heartbreak.

Bret Bielema is succeeding at Arkansas more than I expected

I was a skeptic when they hired Bret Bielema because in the SEC, Arkansas is not going to out-recruit Alabama and Auburn and LSU. ... But I got to say, Bielema has proven me wrong a few times. ... He's succeeding more than I thought he would there.

Danzing Candy is a possible upset pick to lead the Kentucky Derby from start to finish

On the front end, a horse that's going to be about 20, 30 to 1 and has a shot is a horse called Danzing Candy... He'll be on the lead. They'll probably leave him alone on the lead. ... that's a recipe for a possible upset.

Sudden Breaking News will be running faster than any other horse at the finish line

There's a horse... his name is Sudden Breaking News. I promise you, he may not win, he may not finish second, he may not finish third. But when the horses cross the finish line, he'll be running faster than any horse in the race.

Never plead guilty to a crime even if you were caught on video

What lawyer tells his client to ever plead guilty? I've never understood that. ... My legal advice for everybody out there: Just don't plead guilty even if you absolutely did it and you're caught on video. Don't do it.