Takes

If a player bat flips in your face, the pitcher should knock him down next time

He's going to go down on his butt. You're gonna oh you're gonna call for the inside heat you didn't even have to you know the pitcher already knows it. The thing you know he's standing out there and you show him up i can understand if it's a game-ending situation where the guy gets excited but you know in the old days you know everybody had a memory you don't show me up.

90% of NFL players likely have a torn groin by the end of a season

I don't think that a torn groin is like – I'd say 90% of the NFL has a torn groin by the end of the season. I don't think this is anything special.

The Crying Jordan meme is essentially a form of blackface

Isn't Crying Jordan meme a blackface in a way? I've never thought about it like that, but I suppose it is... They blackface literally every person who's ever lost any game ever.

Quentin Tarantino thinks he isn't racist because he uses the N-word so frequently in his films

I feel like Tarantino is going down that route where he's like he's used the N word so many times that he's not racist. Like he's one of the good white guys because he's not afraid to use the N word in his like period pieces because he's technically making fun of the racist from those periods.

Landon Donovan is officially not sexist because he has a twin sister

Some of my best siblings that were born at the exact same time of me are women, in fact, so I cannot be sexist. I love this reasoning from Landon Donovan... I'm taking this from Landon Donovan, and I'm saying he is, in fact, not sexist. He has a twin sister.

My fantasy baseball strategy is to just draft the consensus best players in the league

If I was picking my fantasy team right now, I'd take Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, Mike Trout, Chris Sale. Throw in a Cub. I'll take Anthony Rizzo and Chris Bryant. I'll take those guys, too. I don't know if you can find – I mean, that's pretty good drafting on my part.

It's my constitutional duty to be drunk when attending presidential debates

I feel like it's my constitutional duty to be drunk when I'm attending these things like presidential debates. If I'm interviewing Ben Carson about baby Hitler, if I'm talking to Donald Trump about whether or not he's a Muslim because he doesn't drink, I'm very serious about that.

I'm taking Matt Harvey's man card for getting a bladder infection

Apparently he had a bladder infection, which right off the bat, I'm taking his man card for that because I did not know that guys could get bladder infections. I thought that was only a woman thing. I know that sounds ignorant. But that's kind of what the man cards for is like when you feel scared by your own ignorance, you just got to take the man card.

Matt Harvey's bladder infection story will lead to an uptick in SAT scores

What are the long-term ramifications of a big news story about a major league pitcher that doesn't pee enough? And I thought, well, this upcoming SAT season, you're probably going to see a big uptick in the overall scores on SATs because there are going to be a lot more guys that are going to be like, hey, I have to go pee and then go cheat in the bathroom.

Matt Harvey can't be trusted in any aspect of his life because he doesn't pee at the right time

Matt Harvey is going to the bathroom when he has to go to the bathroom now everything else that Matt Harvey does you have to question... The fact that he can't control his own bowels means that he can't be trusted in any other aspect of his life. So, yeah, if I'm the Mets, I'm like, this is a big problem. Guy can't pee.

Duke basketball players are the type of guys who get cheated on

Kyrie Irving, if you go to Duke, you're a guy who gets cheated on. That just kind of – that feels like a Duke thing that happens. If Kyrie Irving had gone to North Carolina or Kentucky or Kansas, I don't think he gets cheated on. I just think that Duke is a very – guys who go to Duke get cheated on.

Dating an Instagram model with over 20,000 followers is asking to get cheated on

I also say that if you, if you date somebody who on Instagram has over like 20,000 followers, you're pretty much asking to get cheated on too. Because, because in her mind, the only thing that matters to her is taking a picture of something that's going to get a lot of likes.

Everyone in the NBA is tradable

I played this game. Everybody's tradable. It's not like – You know, some guys, you know, when you're a broadcaster, you never played. I played in the NBA. I've been traded. So it happens. It's a business.

Buddy Hield's game is reminiscent of Michael Redd because of his size and unorthodox scoring ability

Well, his game reminds me of Michael Redd, the Ohio State player... He was a big-time scorer, about 6'4", 6'5", unorthodox, could shoot it from anywhere. He kind of reminds me of Michael Redd.

Villanova is a totally different team than they were earlier in the season when Oklahoma beat them

Villanova's a totally different team than what they faced early in the year. They were still trying to figure themselves out. Oklahoma had a little bit more of a veteran team. They played together. So, you know, that was an advantage for the Sooners. But, you know, if OU goes in there with the mindset like, hey, you know, we already beat this team by 25 and you start overlooking them... Your butt might be going home on Saturday.

Bet the unders for the Final Four because Houston's NRG Stadium is a very bad shooting stadium

Houston is a very, very bad shooting stadium. Very bad. It's in the big dome, the Reliant Energy Center, whatever the hell it's called. I think it went 7-1 unders last year when they played part of the tournament there.

White people need to take back the word 'thug'

I think that white people need to take back the word thug. There we go. That's something that we got to start hating Tom Izzo and take back the word thug.

Use the 'Jenny' phone number (867-5309) at drug stores to get rewards discounts without giving your real info

If you go to a CVS or really any grocery store that has a rewards program and they ask you to enter in your phone number... if you type in 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, the Jenny number... That will usually get you a discount because people don't want to give their actual number.

Syracuse is a team of destiny to win the NCAA tournament

I'd probably put it on Syracuse at this point. I think they're a team of destiny. Might as well throw it some long shot odds. Have them win. I think I saw 10 to 1 to win the tournament. That's just two games. That's a nice little payday.

A heartbreaking three-point loss is more mentally devastating than a twenty-point blowout

I feel like if Wisconsin loses by three points, it's a lot worse for your psyche and your mental state than losing by 20 points because you've checked out at halftime in the UNC case.

J.J. Watt would be a likable guy if he showed any human self-awareness

I've always said if he could just have a little self-awareness, I'd quickly become Team J.J. Watt. Because if he could just laugh at himself and be like a regular person, he'd be a very likable guy. If he could just show some element of being a human being and not a superhero.

J.J. Watt will never actually come on the show

If I'm putting money on it, I'm saying that he's not going to come on the show and that he's just doing this as a one-time thing to try to get a brief amount of credit but not really following up on it.

There is a 42% chance J.J. Watt will eventually appear on Pardon My Take

I'll split the difference. I'm going to say there's like a—I guess it wouldn't be splitting the difference, but 42% chance he's going to come on.

The Big Ten hasn't been truly relevant in basketball since 2000

Midwestern people in general, we like to shit on ourselves and our situations... we know we're terrible. We haven't won a title since 2000. Every single program in the Big Ten is lost in the national championship. It's like the most devastating thing.

Tom Izzo is the only blue blood coach who gets a free pass from criticism

He's like the only blue blood coach who gets a free pass by everybody. Like he's just universally beloved. Everyone hates how [Coach K] is stuck up. Bill Self, people think he's a joker. Calipari is a sleazeball. Pitino is a sleazeball... Everyone has shitty things to say about every coach at a big-time program except Izzo.

Syracuse's defense is as unpredictable as a knuckleball pitcher

Syracuse's defense to me is like R.A. Dickey's knuckleball and – when he's got it working, it's unhittable. But then when it's not working, he just gets fucking rocked. Like, that's how I feel about Syracuse. And right now, like, the knuckleball's humming.

Malcolm Brogdon is a top 3 player in the country

He has Malcolm Brogdon, who is... maybe the best player in the country, probably not, but he's certainly one of the top three players in the country.

Buddy Hield is essentially J.J. Redick in the NBA

I think he's going to be a good pro... He can average 15 a game in the league, but... he doesn't seem that much better than J.J. Redick was though. I think Buddy will be good... but I don't know if I'd take him third.

Ryan Spangler (Oklahoma) wins the 'Pitsnoggle Award' for the worst tattoo in college basketball

This dude [Ryan Spangler] has probably the worst tattoo that I've seen this year in college basketball on his shoulder. It's like a massive tribal design that I don't think he even knows what it is. I feel like there needs to be an award every year... name it after like Kevin Pittsnogle... The Pittsnogle Award for the shittiest college tattoo. I think, without a doubt, this year Spangler's got it.

North Carolina is untouchable if they continue to hit three-pointers

UNC, the way to beat them is that they don't make threes, and for some reason they're making threes... if they're shooting like that, yeah, no one's touching them... If they shoot like they are, they're untouchable.

The 2015 Villanova team was better than the 2016 Final Four team

I think last year's [Villanova] team beats this year's team... They don't have Pinkston or Hilliard now. Just to me, they're the same team, they just lost two seniors who were great.

Villanova will win the National Championship

I'm going to have UNC and Nova in the final. I'm going to give it to Nova. I'm going to say Nova is just going to find a way. The ghost of Rollie Massimino, even though he's not dead. I feel like we could get that going, too.

Oklahoma fans will forget they even played in the National Championship game two weeks after it ends

I got the Sooners and the Tar Heels in the finals, and I got UNC winning, and like Oklahoma, their fans just really don't—forget about it like two weeks later that they were ever in the national championship game because they don't really give a shit about basketball.

It is weird that Grant Hill calls Bill Raftery 'Coach' when Raftery hasn't coached in 35 years

Grant Hill refers to Bill Raftery as coach. This is noteworthy because Bill Raftery hasn't coached since 1981... Grant Hill was eight years old in 1981... I only call my coaches coach. It feels to me like he's mocking Raftery and Raftery just doesn't know it.

If you coach for one year, you earn the title 'Coach' for life

I think that if you coach for one year, you get to be, you get to decide if you want to be called coach or not... no one called Dick Vitale coach. So you do have a point there.

Grayson Allen has the potential to be the most hated Duke player of all time

He absolutely has the chance to be the most hated Duke player of all time. I know that's crazy to say because of Christian Laettner, but I'm talking about with internet culture, with winning a national title, with the tripping, with his face, the fact he looks like Ted Cruz.

Duke will be the #1 team in the country next season (2016-17)

Duke's going to be the number one team in the country next year. They're going to be amazing. So I want [Grayson Allen] back. I want him leading the charge.

Coach K is the ultimate sore loser

He basically told a kid [Dylan Brooks], don't showboat. And, like, don't show up the other team while showing up the other coach by coaching a kid that's not his kid. And that's Coach K to a T. Like, he's the sore loser.

There is 'no chance' Coach K's program at Duke has been run as squeaky clean as people believe

There's got to be dozens of Coach K scandals that have been covered up over the past 20 years, right? There's no chance that his program has been run as squeaky clean as we've been led to believe that it has.

You can pitch for two weeks on a torn ACL

I feel like you could pitch for, like, at least two weeks on a torn ACL... Philip Rivers played a playoff game. People forget that a lot of times. He had a torn ACL... So, like, you're a pitcher. I feel like you should be able to pitch.

Baseball players are the best at suffering bizarre, non-game injuries

Baseball players are the best at this. This is a classic spring training. Baseball players hurt or injured. Chris Sale did it last year getting off his truck... Sammy Sosa tore his back with a sneeze.

Robert Griffin III performs best when there are no expectations

He performs really well when he has low expectations. So I think it's a good fit for that. Like he went to Baylor. Nobody expected him to do shit at Baylor. Played well there. Played well his first year in Washington. I mean, nobody expects a Redskins quarterback to be very good. And then once they got to the playoffs, all of a sudden he had expectations.

Robert Griffin III's career will eventually be ended by a massive staph infection in the Browns' locker room

That is probably the last locker room that you want to be in if you're recovering from like a knee surgery... I could see this going very poorly for [Griffin]. Like he has some minor surgery in the off season and then his career is ended by a massive staph infection.

Robert Griffin III will start 6-8 games for the Browns, win three, and become a career backup after getting injured

Griffin will start six to eight games this year, and he'll win three of them. So it'll be like RG three and three. And then he'll get injured again, and then they'll bring in, you know, whichever quarterback that they draft at the second overall pick. And then Griffin will just be on the bench again, and then he'll be a career backup after that.

The NFL told the Rams they wouldn't have to do 'Hard Knocks' if they drafted Michael Sam

What came out yesterday was that the Rams, when they were drafting him [Michael Sam], they got a call from the NFL league office and the NFL said, hey, if you draft Michael Sam, we won't make you do Hard Knocks because they were one of like three or four teams that could possibly do Hard Knocks that year. And so they drafted Michael Sam. This report says to avoid having the HBO cameras in their locker room the whole time.

If Jeff Fisher is fired, he will spend six years on CBS before coaching the Raiders

What will happen to Jeff is if they go like 3-13, if they have fewer than six wins this year, he'll get fired. And then he'll be on CBS for like the next six years pretending to laugh during the pregame show. And then he'll go back to the Raiders or something like that.

Jeff Fisher helped move the Rams to LA specifically to have excuses for poor coaching performance

I am absolutely convinced that Jeff Fisher was instrumental in like moving the entire franchise of the Rams to LA because Jeff knew that once he gets to Los Angeles, he's coming off a big move. He's got some excuses. If things don't go well, he's like, I'm still unpacking my shit... you can't fire him if he just has the cable guy at his house all the time.

Finding a way to half-ass a job and maintain mediocre performance while keeping job security is a commendable life achievement

If you can figure out a way to half ass your job and do a very mediocre job and like keep the bar as low as possible on what people expect from you, but still keep your job. That's commendable in this world.

Pure 'Football Guys' are likely to become serial killers if they are ever fired and forced to be domesticated

These football guys, you got to watch out for them because if they ever get fired, these are the guys that are going to be serial killers. They don't know what to do with their lives. It's like when Greg Schiano got fired... his family was like, get this weirdo the fuck out of our house.

True 'Football Guys' don't actually poop because their bodies are too efficient

Real football guys, their bodies operate so efficiently that they—first of all, they don't really eat meals because they're just too busy watching film. They eat like a couple granola bars... their bodies are just so efficient at burning everything, converting everything to energy. They just like—they don't crap. It just all goes right into the muscles or the fat... I don't think that Jeff Fisher can crap his pants because I would submit that Jeff Fisher doesn't crap.