Takes

Augusta National is where high fives go to die.

It’s where high fives go to die, I would say, because you have the highest concentrated group of white dorky guys... that's your go-to move at a game. You go for the high five. ... at Augusta, people are just throwing out high fives left and right. ... [a guy] went high five, missed it, and just gave the thumbs up. And that was just like the whitest experience that's ever happened.

Ernie Els is the biggest winner of the 2016 Masters because Jordan Spieth's meltdown made everyone forget his.

You know who the biggest winner of the Masters is? ... Ernie Els. I mean, no one remembers Ernie Els shitting all over himself now that Jordan Spieth had done the same. ... Sunday was boring. Oh, but Ernie Els really sucked on that first hole of the tournament, you know? But now... Jordan Spieth takes that kick. Ernie Els, he's off the hook.

Tiger Woods will never win another major championship

I'm firmly in the Tiger will never win another Masters or major championship in his life. And I've said that for like four or five years now. I just don't, you can only, your body can only take so many steroids before you become immune to them. So I don't think he was ever going to win another one.

Football is the best game that has ever been invented.

[Bruce Arians] said... Talking about football. 'It's the best game that's ever been fucking invented.' ... That's definitely a fire flame stake. That's one of the strongest statements I've heard, and I can't say I disagree with him.

Concussions might not be real because the science isn't definitive

I don't know if they just all knew magically that concussions were like a real thing, which science is still out on that, by the way. ... And I'm not going to say that concussions are harmful until the NFL tells me. And Roger Goodell is not going to do that.

The 2016 Golden State Warriors will win the NBA title and become an all-time team

The Golden State Warriors won their 72nd game last night against the Spurs. So now they are an all-time team. Unless they don't win the title. If they don't win the title, then it really doesn't matter. But we all kind of assume they will win the title. The Spurs will probably give them a great series. They will be an all-time team.

The 1996 Bulls would beat the 2016 Warriors because modern NBA rules don't allow defense

I got to take the bulls because when the bulls played, I don't know if you know this or not, but nowadays you're not allowed to play defense in the NBA. I've heard a lot of people say that recently and they've said it so much that I'm starting to agree with it.

Donald Trump's border wall would beat the 2016 Golden State Warriors because it is salary cap friendly.

The thing I like about Trump's wall is that it's very salary cap friendly since somebody else [Mexico] is paying for it. So Trump's wall would have enough room left over to sign [Kevin] Durant this offseason. ... you could get a lot of good role players and surround like a lot of glue guys in addition to Durant with Trump's wall and still be under the cap. So I'm going to go with Trump.

The 2016 Warriors would lose a land war in Russia

I got to take Russia, man. ... That's where empires go to die, baby. You cannot take West Russia in the winter. Napoleon knows it. Hitler knows it. ... So Russia's undefeated. I'm taking them.

Tyler Summit is the Jackie Robinson of coaches getting their own players pregnant.

The Jackie Robinson of getting a player that you coach pregnant. ... Say what you want about about women's basketball. But I think this is the first time that a head coach has ever gotten one of their players pregnant. ... I don't really know where I'm going with that, except I can tell you that it's never, ever happened in the history of men's basketball. So kind of groundbreaking by him.

If a coach gets their own player pregnant, they have to marry them.

If I were to tell [Tyler Summit] how to handle this, this kind of no brainer. You got to marry the player, right? ... I think it's probably in bounds as long as you're getting married. If you have an intention to get married, then like, yeah, if you're 25 and the girl is above the age of 20, then I say go for it.

The Cincinnati Reds don't suck and will be good this year.

Cincinnati Reds have been on a goddamn tear this year. 6-0 against the spread, 5-1, first place in the National League Central. ... they don't suck. ... I'm a big Reds fan from like way back in the day... the bottom line is I'm a big Reds fan is what I was getting at here.

Johnny Manziel going to the Denver Broncos makes sense

We're the first people that we heard say Johnny Manziel would make sense in Denver. And I think we're now proving it. Von Miller and Johnny Manziel getting their act together together.

Rick Reilly does not understand how the internet works

I don't think anyone has understood the internet less than Rick Reilly. He said, Willett's hug of his caddy on the couch in the butler cabin has got to be a vine, doesn't it? So I don't even know if Rick really understands what a vine is. I think he thinks a vine is a meme.

Pimento cheese sandwiches taste like microwaved Dunkaroos

You could get the same effect from microwaved Dunkaroos for 30 minutes in your microwave and then making a ball out of it. That's what the pimento cheese sandwich tastes like.

Ernie Els six-putting at the Masters is the worst thing a South African person has ever done in history

The bottom line is what Ernie Els did today was probably the worst thing a South African person has ever done... in the history of the world.

Golf is not a major sport

I don't care if someone shoots the wrong club or if I said the wrong terminology with golf. Golf is not a major sport. It's not one of the four major sports for a reason. If it were a major sport, everyone would watch it.

Golf guys are the biggest suckers in the world when it comes to buying equipment

Golf guys also are the biggest suckers in the world when it comes to equipment. You can never have enough golf equipment if you're a golf guy. You're buying the latest hybrid club, the cleats that are different than the old cleats you had, gloves that are anti-shock resistance. You're wrapping your clubs in different things.

Dada 5000 is a martyr because he died fighting for what he believed in

I love him. He's a martyr. I love him. He's a martyr. He died fighting for what he believed in.

Beating death in the ring is the same as beating Jesus

You mean to tell me the nigga lost the Kimbo Slice but beat Jesus? ... If you beat death, that's beating Jesus. Like, Jesus died for our sins, right? So, technically, anybody else that dies, it's because Jesus died, too. So, like, I say that puts you right above Jesus.

Mickey Ward would beat Butterbean in a prime-versus-prime fight

In their prime? I'm going to have to go with Mickey Ward. ... Mitchell Rose knocked Butterbean's ass out. Mitchell Rose got more losses than you got fingers and toes. His only win was when he knocked out Butterbean... I done changed diapers tougher than Butterbean.

50 Cent lied about winning the Golden Gloves

50 Cent is so much of a fan of boxing. First of all, he lied and said he was a fighter. 50, you said you won the Golden Gloves. You came in New York City, came up where I came up at. I won the Golden Gloves every time I fought in them. I know everybody around here. 50, you did not fight in the Golden Gloves.

Janet Jackson is selfish for canceling her tour to have a family

She cancels her fucking show because she says she wants to have a family, and she wants to concentrate on that with her husband. ... Selfish. She cancels her show for some dick. ... Not only did she cancel her show, she didn't refund her fans the tickets that they bought.

Trump would be a great shot in a duel because he is good at everything

Don't say that about Trump. Trump is good at everything. And he has experience. He went to military school. ... Trump would be a good shot because he's good at everything.

The Red Sox cannot claim fat discrimination against Pablo Sandoval because they knew he was fat when they signed him

They accepted him as being a lot-ass when they signed him, he was heavy. ... So they will accept them the way he was. ... We hired you and we knew that you were this tub of lard and it didn't matter at the time. ... The reason that we're letting you go is not because you're fat, but because you can't hit for a lick.

Liking bikini photos on Instagram proves Jim Harbaugh isn't a sociopath

The fact that he's going on Instagram and liking pictures of chicks in bikinis, that means maybe there's some hope for Harbaugh after all. ... Maybe he is human.

I pick the Reds to win the World Series

The Reds are 3-0. You pick them to win the World Series. ... I think it said that we're going to win so many games this year that we can afford to have a really long hashtag.

The UConn women's basketball team would be a 3-5 point favorite over the Philadelphia 76ers

I think that the – well, yeah, [UConn women] are going to win, and I think that the spread against the Sixers, they'd be like three to five-point favorites, depending if it was in UConn or if it was being played in Philly.

Villanova would beat the Philadelphia 76ers

So yeah, I Villanova, I'd take Villanova over the Sixers.

The Jaguars winning a Super Bowl is a futuristic impossibility

If the Jaguars ever win a Super Bowl, that that's like futuristic stuff, like hoverboard back to the future kind of stuff. The Jaguar, just that sentence, like Jaguars winning Super Bowl. That's something that you can my brain can't even compute that.

Jay Wright looks like a mafia guy who would break Rick Pitino's legs

Jay Wright in the first place, he looks like a mafia guy. Now, I don't have any proof, but he looks like the mafia guy that they send to break Rick Pitino's legs.

Power ranking of sports figures: 1. Football Guy, 2. Hockey Lifer, 3. Baseball Man, 4. Basketball Mind

Football guy number one. We got to go hockey lifer number two because that guy's seen some shit. You have to cross the border 20 times a year. He knows all the smuggling tricks. Hockey lifer's number two. Baseball man, number three. And then basketball mind, number four in my book.

Tony La Russa is the ultimate 'Baseball Man' for falling asleep at a red light while drunk

I mean, Tony La Russa, classic baseball man, falling asleep at a red light because he's too drunk. That's just baseball man life.

Twitter is going to turn into a television station for a while

So Twitter just agreed to broadcast 10 of the 16 Thursday night football games next year. What's going to happen, I think, is Twitter's going to just turn into a television station for a while.

Rage Against the Machine's debut self-titled album is their best

I would go, to be honest, their first album might be the best, to be honest. You don't skip a song on that album. You don't. Yeah, absolutely true. You can just throw it on. It's a perfect workout music.

Kobe Bryant had the best left-handed shot in the NBA

Kobe's like, I'm the best left-handed, the best left-handed... Do you remember when he broke his finger? Okay, so he breaks his finger in the game, doesn't check out. His line that night was like 18 and something with just one hand. He literally played with one hand... He looks over and goes, Amo, like what? He goes, I told you I had the best fucking left hand in the league.

Kobe Bryant was a self-made player who maximized his game through meticulous practice

The thing with Kobe too, is he really does work on his game. I always tell people he's a self-made player and people always kind of leave that out. He's obviously athletic, but that guy used to work on pivoting, passing, just weird stuff. He put in the time and obviously reaped the benefits from it.

Hammer the Reds as underdogs this year and you will become a millionaire

Hammer the Reds this year. Hammer the Reds. They will be underdogs many, many times. You throw it on the Reds. You take that $10, put it right there. Probably make yourself $20, $17. Then you keep doing it. And hopefully the Reds never lose and you become a millionaire.

Greg Hardy's best possible legacy move is to be completely forgotten

The best thing that Greg Hardy could do is be forgotten. That's as good as it's going to get for his legacy. Why don't you get a horse and go live in the mountains someplace and don't bother anybody for a while?

Adam Schefter is feeling the heat from Jay Glazer and Ian Rapoport in the insider market

Schefter needs PR 101 because Schefter went on the Dan Patrick show and he started defending Greg Hardy. We call that the Jay Glazer effect. Jay Glazer's doing sit-downs with everyone. Schefter's feeling a little heat there. No one watches the NFL insider market more than I do. Schefter's feeling a little heat.

The Crying Michael Jordan meme will never die

The reason why the crying MJ meme will never die, and it's very simple, anyone who ever complains about it instantly gets the crying MJ meme on them so it's like it just it's a self-fulfilling you can't stop it.

I'm just not going to pay my taxes

Probably just not going to do them. [Taxes].

JJ Watt still manually buys and alphabetizes music on iTunes

JJ Watt would be a guy who buys music still in 2016. Right. He spends $9.99 for every album and he's got like a very careful, everything's in like perfect order on his iTunes alphabetized. He's got the album artwork set up and everything.

It only counts as Opening Day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day

I only count it as opening day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day and watch baseball. Otherwise, like a Sunday night, I could do that any other week of the year.

Opening Day should always be on a Monday so everyone can skip work and get drunk together.

You have to have opening day be like a Monday. Everyone can skip work, get drunk. There's a lot of games together. Shout out to Johnny Bench. He was absolutely right. I hate what they've done [with Sunday night games].

Fireball is an acceptable ballpark drink until September 1st

I like to do airplane minis, like the mini bottles of Fireball... It's kind of like you don't wear white after Labor Day. You don't want to be drinking Fireball after like September 1st. After September 1st, you want to lose the flavored whiskey and get like some Jack Daniels or something because it's about a playoff push. So you got to focus. None of this sugary crap.

Peanuts are the most underrated ballpark snack and they are actually healthy because they are pure protein.

I'm also a big peanuts guy. I think peanuts are very underrated. I know that also when I eat peanuts, I tell myself they're not, like, unhealthy because, you know, nuts. It's protein. ... Whereas, like, I'll eat a whole bag of peanuts at the park, and I know there's probably 2000 calories and like 17 grams of sodium but that's okay in my head i think it's healthy.

Old milk is at its best in coffee once it has been turning for two days and is right on the line of being drinkable.

I like to use old milk in my coffee because it's got a little extra kick to it. No, it's a fine line between being like rancid and being drinkable. And so like when it first starts to turn those first two days, that's when it's best in coffee.

Preseason predictions are worthless and no one should care about them

I love preseason predictions because they're never right. I also love when people say like, oh, here are my preseason predictions so I can just get it on the record. Like anyone gives a fuck. Why would I care what you think? They're never right, and I just don't care.

The Reds will finish in second place in the NL Central

Out of the NL Central, I've got the Reds followed up by the Cubs. I don't know. I think the Cubs are going to be a good wildcard team this year... If they come in second place in the division, I'm going to look like the smartest guy in baseball.