Takes

Curt Schilling is deliberately trying to get fired by ESPN

I think Kurt's trying to get himself fired at this point. ... He's pulling, didn't George Costanza do that at one point? I think that's what Schilling's doing. ... He's going to continue down this road if ESPN doesn't fire him.

Big Cat winning the 50-50 raffle would be one of the last great sports stories out there

Big Cat winning the 50-50 raffle is one of the last great sports stories out there. I'm the guy always paying for the 50-50 raffle because I keep telling myself, Oh man, this will be the time I win.

The NHL first round is much better than the NBA first round

The major stories all come from the playoffs starting and the stark difference between how much fun the NHL first round is and how awful the NBA first round is. It's incredible to watch. If you are the eighth seed, if you're the seventh seed, what's even the point of being in the playoffs? Whereas the NHL seeds all across the board win playoff series.

Matthew Dellavedova could make the roster of most NHL teams

I will say that Matt Dellavedova could probably make the roster of most NHL players, but he's probably the only NBA player that I think could cross over into the other sport.

Ice is the great equalizer that allows for upsets in the NHL

It's because ice is the great equalizer. That's the X factor right there. Anytime you get people on slippery substances, you open the door for a big upset, which is why I love the NHL.

Hockey Twitter and NBA Twitter fans are annoying for constantly comparing the toughness of their sports

Hockey Twitter will be like, well, Jonathan Toews said 'we' a bunch... then they'll make like awful memes showing how hard and tough hockey is and how soft and like a bunch of pussies NBA players are. When I think most of us can just say like we kind of enjoy all the sports. I don't really think I should have to choose between one or the other just because someone's able to stay on the ice with a broken leg.

I would rather get punched in the face than get face-washed by a guy with a sweaty hockey glove

The face wash is probably, I would rather get punched in the face than get face-washed by a guy with a sweaty glove.

Setting the tone is the most important part of being successful in the hockey playoffs

Setting the tone is so important in hockey playoffs. That's what everyone said. You have to set the tone. It's a very big part of being successful in hockey is setting the tone.

The NBA's new hustle stats are just a way for Matthew Dellavedova's agent to get him a big payday

Basically it's like—it's Matthew Dellavedova's agent coming up with these stats to try to get Delly a big payday this offseason. Just being in somebody's face for a shot is now a stat.

The NBA will lose its man card if they go to more than one ad on their jerseys

I'm going to take the NBA's man card once they start throwing these. If they go to more than one ad on their jerseys, man card time.

Every person nicknamed Beef in the world is a good time to hang out with

I think every person nicknamed Beef in the world is a good time to hang out with. Now I'm not saying you want them—when Beef comes to visit you, your wife or girlfriend probably rolls her eyes... but Beef is a great time to party with.

My $200 bet on Donald Trump to win the election is looking like a great bet

By the way, just want to say put $200 on Donald Trump about a year ago. That's looking pretty good right now.

Greg Maddux was a sick individual in the clubhouse who used teammates' clothes to clean himself

He [Greg Maddux] was a sick individual to say the least. You know, there was nothing that was off limits for Greg. You know, he wasn't opposed to going into somebody's locker and grabbing a piece of piece of clothing and using it to clean himself in various ways and things of that nature.

Otis Nixon would beat Sid Bream in a race even if Bream had a head start

I think I'm pretty confident in betting that Otis [Nixon] is going to make it around before Sid [Bream] does. [Even if Sid gets started] I still think Otis is going to do it. Sid was not fleet of foot.

Being a left-handed pitcher is a massive advantage in sports that other athletes don't have

The overwhelming thing that was in the favor of baseball was I was a left-handed pitcher. I just felt like being a left-handed pitcher I had a big advantage in baseball that I didn't have in hockey. Left-handed pitchers, everybody's looking for them.

The Anaheim Ducks will win the Stanley Cup this year

Man, I'm going to—who do I want to pick? I think Anaheim might get it right this year.

I agree that the Anaheim Ducks will win the Stanley Cup this year

I think Anaheim might get it right this year. [Big Cat]: OK, that's OK. I agree.

Leicester City converted a penalty in the 93rd minute to salvage their Cinderella story

The Cinderella story, Leicester, they were losing today, and they were playing with 10 men, and then they got a penalty called in the 93rd minute, and they converted to salvage a point.

Johnny Manziel should buy a house instead of renting to avoid party damage headlines

My PR 101 advice to Johnny would be—this is basic stuff—buy a house, don't rent. Interest rates being what they are these days, you're getting some bad financial advice so just look to buy, don't look to rent.

Johnny Manziel is actively trying to be a dickhead to stay in the news

He's actively trying to be a dickhead now. That's the thing that's shocking with Johnny Manziel... Now I think he's going out of his way to be like, I'm going to stay in the news. I'm moving in with Josh Gordon. I'm getting in a weird car accident. He's trying to do this.

The drug option is the best way to survive Coachella as a 30-year-old

If you go to Coachella for the first time as a 31 year old... you either go all the way [becoming a Coachella guy] or you just like totally tune out via the drug option. I think I would go drug option right now.

LeBron James' Zero Dark 30-23 playoff social media blackout is really stupid

LeBron is so dumb. It's Zero Dark 30-23... Not Zero Dark 23. It's Zero Dark Thirty. So it's the full movie name. Twenty three. And it really goes back to the biggest weakness LeBron has is no one in his circle has like any brain to say, hey, LeBron, this is really fucking stupid.

Someone is going to die from the table-jumping trend

No, somebody's already died. We just have—they just didn't look about it. They deleted the video. So it never got out. [Later] But we all know someone's going to die.

The table-jumping trend started because losers of beer pong wanted a way to destroy the table and put an exclamation point on the game

I think that's where it gets started from is, or no, it's probably usually the losers that would just want to destroy the table. You need a strong exclamation point on the game of beer pong, destroying the tables as strong as it gets.

Jeff Fisher saved his job with the Rams by trading for the number one overall pick

I think Jeff Fisher might have just saved his own job because you can't really fire a guy when you draft a new quarterback.

Jeff Fisher is trading draft picks to the Titans to secure a future front-office job for himself in Tennessee

I predict that within like three years, Jeff Fisher is going to go back to Tennessee in some capacity. Whether that's like as a general manager or [involved in ownership] ... I think he's making a nest for himself. I think he's giving them all these draft picks to select like a decent amount of good players. And then that's his escape hatch in two years if it doesn't work out in LA.

Rams GM Les Snead keeps his job because he has great hair and a Hollywood look

Les Snead, the GM for the Rams. I have a theory that he just gets by on his hair. If you've seen his hair, he's got very nice hair... He's got like kind of a Hollywood look. He's got the name... I don't know if he's a good GM anymore. I think he's just getting by with the Les Snead kind of aura that's around him.

Life is too short to have sympathy for any man who has a large penis

The world, life is too short to shed one tear for a guy who's got a big dick. I don't care if it's a homeless guy or an NFL quarterback. If the guy's got a big dick, he doesn't get any of my sympathy.

NFL primetime games in late December are always horrendous

I do know that we will have at least three or four primetime games in like late December that are horrendous because that happens without fail. The Monday night games. There will be a game where Gruden will have to tell out the world that like some awful quarterback is good.

John Gruden would be a serial killer if football didn't exist

If football did not exist, I think that John Gruden would be a serial killer. I don't see any other outlet that he could possibly have besides football where he can be like this meticulous and this passionate and not end up killing at least like a half dozen people.

Johnny Manziel should move in with Tim Tebow for the rest of the offseason

PR 101, Johnny Manziel move in with Tim Tebow for the rest of this offseason... Let Tebow work on them for a while. Talk about an odd couple. If you were to make that some sort of like pay-per-view reality show and charge $100 per episode, I'm in.

Kobe Bryant has given people more false confidence than Adolf Hitler

He's trapped a lot of really weak-minded people into believing that if you go around all the time and act like you're the shit... then you're going to be the best person in whatever field that you've chosen. So he's given a lot of false confidence to people, probably more false confidence to people than Adolf Hitler, I would say.

Friends is the most overrated television show in history

I'll even go out on a limb here and say that friends is the most overrated television show in the history of television.

Scottish Twitter is the funniest part of social media

Scottish Twitter is pretty good because it takes you like three or four reads to figure out what they're saying but it's laugh out loud funny every time.

Kyle Schwarber will return from his ACL/LCL injury in six months, in time for the World Series

That's a little out of my expertise in information systems. Let's say six months... [Back in time for the World Series?] Sure. I mean, that's where the money is.

The hip is the dividing line between an upper and lower body injury in hockey

I would think it would be hip, wouldn't you all? I mean somewhere below the hip since all the hip checking and the broken legs... That [the hip] would be lower.

The Dude Perfect show on CMT will be the best show of all time

CMT... Thursday nights, Aaron Rodgers. I don't know when Aaron Rodgers is going to be on, but it's going to be probably the best show of all time. That guy is so cool.

The phrase 'Black Mamba' should be banned from television because it might be offensive

If people out there are getting offended by it, then, you know, TV should be a safe space. So I say that, yes, you should not be allowed to say Black Mamba on television anymore.

Hockey would be much more popular if goals were worth eight points like football

The greatest trick that football ever played is making their scores worth six points... If hockey changed to eight-point goals, this guy would be in. Okay, so if we ever develop a sport – Trick number one is make the single goals or points worth like eight times. Make everything worth like eight points. And then you've got yourself a sport.

There is nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs

And there's nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs. It's awful. You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.

Home ice advantage does not exist in the NHL playoffs

You know what I don't like about playoff hockey is that there's basically no home ice advantage. It doesn't exist. The ice is the same everywhere you go.

The Bulls will give the Celtics a really good series in the playoffs

I think the Bulls are going to give the Celtics a really good series.

John Madden has been dead for years and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR.

Bill Belichick is a baller for skipping a subpoena to study film

He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.

Pissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate

That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.

Tom Coughlin was hired by the Jaguars just to change the clocks and stand over people

Tom Coughlin said that he's going to be in the weight room making sure when guys are there they're working hard... This is what he was hired for. He was hired to change all the clocks and just stand over people and be like you're not working hard.

I am on a hot streak of fixing things around the house

In the last year or so, I got hot. I was touching things, and instead of breaking them, I was fixing them... I've even amazed myself. And you know what the key to it is? It's like anything else. When you get a little more confident, I'm willing to take a chance that I won't break what I'm trying to fix.

I have become a whiz at the computer recently

I've become a wizard at the computer. I really have. I turn it on. I can shut it off. I did something because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning and I bet neither one of you would realize that I have Wi-Fi in this condo.

Internet 'shoe roasts' of team jerseys are ruined because people complain about everything

This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful... The internet is so cynical all the time... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it... When you start picking out the Detroit Lions gray jerseys, kind of ruins it for everything else.

The Cleveland Indians' Chief Wahoo logo will be on the hot seat this year

We, this show, called the shot that the Indians were going to have a good year and the Chief Wahoo logo was going to be on the hot seat and people were going to all get upset. Well, guess what? They had a good year. They lost in the World Series, but they had a good year. They're back. Chief Wahoo still on the hot seat.