Takes

Caleb Williams' debut performance was really bad but doesn't matter since the Bears won

The Bears are one and oh, they did not score an offensive touchdown. Caleb Williams looks really bad, but the Bears are one and oh and I don't give a fuck. Well, I do actually care a little bit because I really wish he had played better because he was not good.

The Arizona Cardinals are officially a fun watch team this year

The Cardinals are gonna be my official, this is just a fun watch team because Kyler looked awesome. Their defense is not great. They didn't even get Marvin Harrison going. James Conner is still the angriest, most upright runner that God ever created and yeah, I think they're just officially a fun team to watch.

Joe Mixon is an absolute psycho for playing with no gloves

The bigger story is Joe Mixon is an absolute psycho. He went no gloves. Which was maybe the hardest thing you can do as a running back. No gloves. I just, I I get hurt thinking about that. Like getting, you get stepped on, you're at the bottom of the pile. You have no glove.

Dylan Raiola is creepy for stealing Patrick Mahomes' entire identity

The Dylan Raiola thing is creepy. Like, I'm actually creeped out by it. How he's trying to steal Patrick Mahomes's life. It's weird. It's the mannerisms, the way he was warming up was basically a copycat for Patrick Mahomes. And the hair is exactly the same. It's weird.

Jacoby Brissett could lead the New England Patriots to eight wins this season

I'm infinitely more excited than I was on Saturday. Infinitely. Because you weren't that excited on Saturday. No, I'm thinking eight, eight wins. Jacoby might get us eight.

Joe Burrow must cut his bleached hair if the Bengals start 0-2

If they start owing two have to have to go back to the natural hair color. Cut the hair. Have to. You just can't have that as an o You can't be an o and two quarterback with the bleach blonde tips. You can't, yeah. You can't do really anything that makes you stand out if you're not good.

Daniel Jones will cost Brian Daboll his head coaching job

It's Daniel Jones. It's over. It's bent over. He's gonna cost Brian Daboll his job. Who I still think is not a bad coach, but I think it's gonna cost him his job.

Sam Darnold will have a 'seven-year bump' and be better than expected

I am throwing my vote behind Sam Darnold for a guy who's gonna be better than everyone expected this year. Sam Darnold is not as bad as everyone thinks. He's better. Sam Darnold might not be bad. Seven year bump.

Deshaun Watson has the worst contract in sports history

Deshaun Watson might have the worst contract ever. Impossible to beat. I maybe not even the worst NFL contract ever. Maybe not even the worst sports contract ever. Deshaun Watson might have the worst contract ever.

Deshaun Watson is a better human being than football player because he is so bad at football

Deshaun Watson's so bad at football now, I think you could say that he's a, a better person than football player. I would say as good as he is a quarterback, even better human being. Yeah. That's how bad he is in football now. Yeah. He's a better human than football player.

Deshaun Watson is on par with Bryce Young and Daniel Jones and should be benched

He's not great. He's not good. He's not even average right now. I put him on par with Bryce Young or Daniel Jones. He can go stand in line with them, rip the bandaid off before it's too late. Deshaun Watson's done... folks, he can't play. I'm ticked.

Bo Nix is the heir apparent to Jameis Winston

Bo Nix might be the heir apparent to Jameis. He's one of the funnier on field quarterbacks. 'cause everything that he does, he does with Supreme confidence. And when he throws interception, he throws the fuck out of the interception.

Jay-Z picked Kendrick Lamar for the Super Bowl halftime show just to spite Drake

Jay-Z doesn't like Drake. So he basically did the opposite. He took Kendrick. Also, Kendrick Lamar. Yeah. They're just gonna make it to the Drake can never watch a Super Bowl again.

People who cannot figure out the ESPN/DirecTV dispute should be tried in the Supreme Court

The people that can't figure out the ESPN DirecTV shit should be tried in the Supreme Court. What do you mean? And possibly executed. They should all be tried tomorrow.

Xavier Worthy is going to be a problem for everybody

Well, that's the thing is they've got [the Chiefs] got a guy that's gonna be a problem for everybody. I'm gonna, and we said it on draft night, we were like, how did the bills let this happen?

Justin Tucker might be washed

Justin Tucker might be washed. Yeah. Can't hit 50 yarders anymore.

Chiefs rookie Carson Steele is a star

I knew that we knew Carson Steele was gonna be a star. I didn't think that they were going to put him like front and center in the week one broadcast. But God, I love Croy J. Yeah. What's not to love?

Robert Kraft and Bill Belichick have beef

I think there might be beef there between Belichick and Kraft. Do you think so? I I mean I'm What would, listen, I wasn't able to make a, a definitive statement on it until I figured out who he followed. Yeah. [Belichick] follows 12 people... No Patriots, no craft.

The Panthers will be a competent team this season

I love the Panthers in this game just because I, it's my, my rule of you're never as bad as you were the last year... I don't think the Panthers are be good. I think they're gonna be competent. Okay. Which they weren't last year.

One of the quarterbacks in the Vikings-Giants game will be surprisingly good, the other will be terrible

I think one of the two quarterbacks in this game [Vikings vs Giants] will be better than expected this year. But I have zero idea which one it will be. I kind of think it's gonna be Daniel Jones... but I think the other one's gonna be terrible.

The MLB challenge system is better than using full robot umpires

I really, I do like the human part of the game... I think if we're gonna go any anywhere with it, the challenge system, but I think it's, I think full on robot strike zones is, it kind of just removes the purpose of a catcher a little bit.

I have been a Steelers fan my whole life

Steelers. Big time Steelers. Fan... [My whole life].

Men posing with their arms around each other is the weirdest thing

We as guys, we as guys gotta stop doing the arms around each other. This picture. It's the fucking weirdest thing we do... There's nothing worse than doing the awkward like post golf round. Yeah. 10 dudes just standing with their arms around each other.

Kyle Shanahan taking Jimmy Garoppolo to a Super Bowl is more impressive than actually winning a Super Bowl

Kyle Shanahan, he took Jimmy G to a Super Bowl. That actually might be bigger than a Super Bowl. Yeah. That might be more impressive than a Super Bowl.

Robert Saleh would have been fired by now if he didn't have a bald head

I think Robert Saleh would've been fired if he didn't have a bald head. Robert Saleh bald head. I think the bald head, you just see it and it's like power... It's shiny. Bald, yeah. I just think there's something about him. The aura.

The worst case scenario for the Patriots this year is winning eight games

I think the worst case scenario for the Patriots this year is eight wins. It would be... that would be like, I'm going into the season, we're trying to, we gotta rebuild. If you're gonna rebuild, it starts with the draft. Eight wins wouldn't get us to the playoffs and won't get us a good draft position.

Jared Goff will win NFL MVP because he plays 14 of 17 games in a dome

I got Jared Goff [for MVP]. 14 out of his 17 games are in a dome. He loves Dome. It's gonna be Dome Fest. And what are his odds? I think they're like 25 to one.

Kristin Cavallari is lying about having the best sex of her life

Kristin Cavallari said that her boyfriend, Mark Estes, Montana boy, who's 13 years younger than her, she's having the best sex she's ever had. It is, but it's also if you have to publicly say you're having the best sex you ever had, you're lying. The minute you say you have the best sex ever, everyone's like, dude, that's a lie.

The Green Bay Packers will win the Super Bowl this season

The Packers gonna win the Super Bowl. Watson's on the field, he's a big, big play receiver. You're gonna open things up with that guy. Then you look at the running game, I think they're more physical... they bring in a defensive coordinator and Jeff Hafley who can get after it. I love what they've done on defense and I love what they're doing on offense. They're the best team in that division.

The Buffalo Bills window is not shut and they will reach the Super Bowl

I got Buffalo going to the Super Bowl. The whole idea of the window shutting on the bills is this stupid dumb talk that people throw out there... As long as Josh Allen is slinging the football in Buffalo, they will have an open window period. End of story.

Will Levis will take a major step forward and have a career arc similar to Josh Allen

Will Levis is gonna take a major step forward. You know who Will Levis is a lot like... Josh Allen. Same type of thing. He's like Josh Allen. He's a fanatic about it... he's gonna have a monster season. And everybody who mocked his game going into the draft is gonna be exactly the way they were with Josh Allen. They're gonna be wrong.

Jaden Daniels is the best quarterback from the 2024 draft class

I love Jaden Daniels. I think he's the best quarterback in the draft. Sorry, Big Cat... having watched him at Arizona State and then watched him play at LSU and now watching him now, he's the most improved quarterback I've ever seen in my life. I think the commanders have their guy for the next 15 years and he's gonna be a star.

The Tasmanian Tiger is likely not extinct and lives in Papua New Guinea

The one that sits on the top reign supreme is an animal called a Thylacine. Tasmanian tiger... it managed to get a pilot and get picked up and turned into a series... because it used to range like 4,000 years ago... there are still ongoing reports from tribes and villages of striped dogs and all these things in Papua New Guinea. That's the area that I think needs the biggest exposure.

Pandas are dumb as shit and terrible parents

Pandas. They're dumb as shit. They will hand you, you could google this, if you go to a panda in captivity and it has a baby... and you put out an apple, it will hand you its baby and take the apple. Swear to God, nobody talks about this. They're dumb as shit. They're mean, they're terrible parents. Bad moms.

Notre Dame is already a lock for the College Football Playoff

Notre Dame won a game that was the biggest win of the weekend. Probably If you look at their schedule, they don't have a ton of tough tests after this. They're in the driver's seat... I'm fine with saying right now they're in the playoff.

I am not spending 12 hours of my Saturday watching mediocre college football

I'm not locking in my entire 12 hours of a day on Saturday, the only day we're not in the office, to to watch a random ass week one game when there's only like three good ones... Your happiness comes from watching 12 hours of football and watching State Pittsburgh. Your happiness is from golfing. You should do what makes you happy.

Wisconsin quarterback Tyler Van Dyke is not good and shouldn't be starting

Wisconsin's QB is way too old to be playing... he's just not good. He's just old enough where he's like, he's clearly not good enough. He's just like holding on and costing Wisconsin.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

The U is back. Cam Ward is electric. He was electric last year. He he's awesome in the U. Yeah. It does feel like they're another team where a week one win on the road in the SEC, they now are in the driver's seat.

Florida State won't win another game until the fan who promised to eat dog shit actually does it

Coward, coward deleted his account. You gotta follow now that, listen, they're not gonna win any more games until this guy eats the dog shit out. That's facts. That's how it works.

Jalen Hurts and Dak Prescott are not currently top 10 quarterbacks in the NFL

I'd probably say Jordan Love [at 8], Nine Tua, 10 Rogers... I would put like the Trevor Lawrences, Hertzes, Daks, Her Cousins, Herberts, those guys are writing that like kind of next group.

The Steelers should start Justin Fields because Russell Wilson doesn't give them a chance to contend

Are you with Russ playing fine at 35 or 36 really going to contend against Cincinnati and Baltimore in the division? Really? No. Like, so my thing was if it really was a little bit of a competition... why not just say, you know what, the only real chance we have is if we strike Lightning at a bottle with Justin.

The Atlanta Falcons will win the NFC South

I'm super high in Atlanta, dude. Oh, like I really am man. I think they're gonna be so good... That team not no question can win their division. And certainly just if Zach Robinson is their play caller... I think they're gonna be really, really, really good.

The Kansas City Chiefs are better this year than they were last year

They're better this year than they were last year and that's with all due respect to L'Jarius Sneed. L'Jarius is great. But... their offense is gonna be significantly better specifically just like speed and catching the football.

The Chiefs will beat the Lions in the Super Bowl and achieve the first three-peat

I'll say Kansas City and Detroit [in the Super Bowl]. What happens in the Super Bowl? Kansas City wins. Ugh. Brutal. Which is somehow some incredible, somehow some way. Patrick, you know, has the ball last type of thing.

Jacoby Brissett is an eight-win quarterback guy under the radar

[Jacoby Brissett] is a good quarterback. He'll get you probably eight wins if he starts the entire season... I'm just saying Jacoby Brissett feels like an eight-win quarterback guy under the radar.

I won't get FOMO about Drake Maye sitting because the Patriots are in a rebuilding year

I'm not gonna get FOMO about Drake Maye not starting. Our offensive line's bad. I think our roster's not great. It's okay. It's a rebuilding year. I think you let's embrace it for what it is.

Patrick Mahomes would be worth over $100 million a year on a truly free market

If the NFL was truly free market capitalism, [Mahomes] might go to the Panthers. David Tepper... he might go for over a hundred million dollars.

The NFL should have a separate salary bucket for quarterbacks to keep rosters competitive

Separate salary bucket for quarterbacks. That makes sense. Basically let the quarterbacks get paid something completely separate so it doesn't, again, the cap is, doesn't make sense, but they're so out of control compared to everything else.

Eastern Michigan +2.5 is a lock because UMass should never be favorites

I saw the one that jumped out: Eastern Michigan plus 2.5. UMass football should never be favorites against anyone.

Georgia is going to beat the absolute f*** out of Clemson

I'm feeling fantastic. [Georgia is] gonna beat the absolute fuck outta Clemson.