Takes

The 2024 Washington Commanders are frauds

Bernie Madoff. Sam Bankman-Fried. The 2020 election. The 2024 Washington Commanders. [Frauds]. Sometimes the haters are right. When the haters are right, you gotta say, great job haters.

The Jaguars +14 against the Lions is the NFL makes no sense game of the year

I think so. This is like, this is the 'NFL makes no sense' game of maybe the year... NFL makes no sense. There's not like stats behind it. I am very close. But that, but it happens every year. There's always games where it's like, how the fuck did the Lions lose to the Jaguars when the playoffs come?

I hate the three-point shot in basketball

I do love basketball. I was Bobby Knight's ball boy. I just don't like the three-point shot. I think it's too much. It's way too much three points.

Patrick Mahomes would suck on the Bears because the Bears are a joke of an organization

Patrick Mahomes would suck on the Bears. 'Cause the Bears are a joke of an organization. That's just how it works. There's nothing gonna change. They don't care about winning.

The Eagles should give Nick Sirianni a contract extension

Is it time to give Nick Sirianni a contract extension? He is 41 and 19 is the Eagles' head coach... I think you gotta lock him up long term. I agree. Like that... lock him up.

I am betting against LSU because they are using a fake Mike the Tiger on the sidelines

It appears that they are now bringing a tiger back onto their sidelines... it seems like it might be a fake mike, the tiger that they're putting on the sidelines, because people took pictures... and they compared the stripes and they think that it's a duplicate Mike. It's a fake Mike the tiger... in which case I am going to be betting against LSU.

Caleb Williams will get ruined by the Bears and every other rookie quarterback in his class will be better

I'm officially down bad. And Caleb Williams is gonna get ruined. Drake May's gonna be better. Jayden Daniels already better. Bo Nicks is better. Michael Penix is gonna be better. They're all gonna be better. And I'm just gonna be, I'm just back in the whole cycle.

The NBA Slam Dunk Contest should be replaced by a Layup Contest

I think they should do a layup contest instead of slam dunk contest. [Ja Morant's 360 layup] was sick... I thought to myself like, with enough practice I could possibly do that. Also not true. But it still made me think.

The Cowboys should trade Micah Parsons

I actually think they should trade Micah Parsons. They never will. But that would be the smart move for Jerry Jones. So if you're like, if you signed Dak Prescott to a big deal and you're like, he's the quarterback, you need some draft picks. You need to start like getting depth around him.

Jayden Daniels' rib was never actually hurt

I have a theory that his rib was never actually hurt. I think that after that first run of the Panthers game, the coaching staff was like, 'Hey Jayden, it's the Panthers. You just ran easily for 50 yards. First play of the game, let Marcus take over, go to the training room.' And then all week long it was all secret.

Duke basketball is back

Duke's back... They beat Arizona State by 50 in a scrimmage... They might be back. God damnit they might be back.

You can actually lose weight by eating a diet of Uncrustables

I actually think you could lose weight eating Uncrustables. Peanut butter's got tons of protein in it. Bread is the biggest part of the food pyramid, which is really, really healthy and scientific.

Jayden Daniels is already a top 2 quarterback in the NFC and a top 5 all-time prospect

I think Jayden Daniels is gonna be the best quarterback in the history of the Redskins or Commanders. I think he's gonna be the best quarterback in the NFC. He might already be the best quarterback in the NFC... Probably top five [all time potential]. I think Jayden Daniels is like absolutely the best quarterback that I've ever watched in my entire life.

Caleb Williams is better than Jayden Daniels going forward and will have the better career

I honestly think that we're all gonna become winners. And I'm gonna say it... He [Caleb Williams] is so much better than Jayden Daniels. I did not say Caleb Williams played so much better [this year]. I said he's so much better... I think Caleb Williams going forward is going to be the better quarterback. I'm talking about the future.

Betting against Patrick Mahomes as an underdog is a move for morons.

I am the idiot who bet against Patrick Mahomes is an underdog now. No, actually I was gonna make an excuse for myself... but there is no excuse. I'm just a moron and I should, I should just stop gambling... If you try to outsmart Patrick Mahomes as an underdog, you're just a moron.

Jerry Jones should trade Micah Parsons to reload on draft picks

If I were Jerry Jones, reload on draft picks and trade Micah Parsons. You have to pay him and your problem right now is it seems like you have lack of depth going forward. What's gonna happen yet? You locked up Dak, you locked up CD, you're gonna have to pay Micah Parsons. You could probably get a lot for him.

Mike Tomlin is starting Russell Wilson to prove he's bad and go back to Justin Fields

Mike Tomlin, a man of his word, is like, I know I have a better chance with Justin Fields, but I promised Russell Wilson he's the starter. He's gonna throw him out against the Jets to basically have him suck. And then he's gonna be like, 'See, you guys told me I need to start Russell Wilson. I told Russell Wilson it wasn't his job to lose. He sucks. Justin Fields!'

The Browns are publicly shaming Deshaun Watson by forcing him to continue playing quarterback.

What if we're just thinking about it wrong? What if this is just the Browns actually doing justice in a public shaming way. They're like, he's so bad. And we know he is so bad he can't play quarterback. We're just gonna make him continue to play quarterback and publicly shame him because that's the only justice he'll ever have. ... The only way that the league can punish him? Make him continue to play quarterback.

LeBron James was born without a clutch gene

The poor man was just born without a clutch gene, and we see it again and again and again. MJ or LeBron? Stop it. Don't even go there because it's offensive to me. You would put those two in the same sentence because LeBron could not carry Jordan's sneakers.

Aaron Rodgers is a serial coach killer

[Aaron Rodgers] is a serial coach killer. Mike McCarthy and [Robert Saleh]. If you kill two people, you're a serial killer.

The Phillies are dead and they are a soft baseball team

The Phillies are dead... The Phillies are a soft baseball team. The Mets are a hard baseball team. They're a tough baseball team. They come back from things. And the Phillies just don't, they just die.

Aaron Judge is not a true Yankee because he doesn't perform in October

I don't think he's a true Yankee, Big Cat, which is so funny to say because he's objectively one of the best hitters of his entire generation... but not a true Yankee because true Yankees, they get it done in October.

Ashton Jeanty should sit out the rest of the season to protect his NFL draft stock

With the state of the running back position in the NFL where you have to maximize your healthy years... Is it crazy to think maybe Jeanty should just sit down for the rest of the season? I would agree. He's already got a season's worth of stats.

Jaden Daniels is the fourth best quarterback in the NFL

I think that Jaden Daniels is the [fourth] best quarterback in the NFL. It's around fifth... it's fourth.

Gervon Dexter is better than Jalen Carter

Are we ready to have the conversation that Gervon Dexter's better than Jalen Carter? We who has significantly better stats than Jalen Carter. I'm just wondering if you want to have that conversation now.

Travis Hunter is the best college football player I've ever seen

He is the best football player in the country... Travis Hunter. Travis Hunter deserves the respect. He might be the best college football player I've ever seen.

Christian McCaffrey might retire due to his Achilles injuries

The walls at Barstool Sports have been saying... Christopher McCaffrey might retire. Double Achilles tendonitis is not good... he's definitely not gonna play this season.

College kickers miss big kicks because they are mentally weak

My theory is this, is that football players... develop mental toughness. Kickers don't do that. Kickers... are not mentally tough. And so when you get in those pressure moments, they haven't been mentally hardened... I just think kickers are mentally weak man.

I heard a rumor that Christian McCaffrey might retire

Did you hear Ryan Whitney say that he heard a rumor that he's might retire? [Whitney: Really? That seems crazy. Whitney also... admitted in the interview that they just fuck around a lot with rumors. Yeah, it's a crazy rumor. Definitely not true.]

The Panthers should trade Bryce Young immediately while he still has some value

You've got to trade Bryce Young right this second because what could happen is David Tepper could be like, Hey, maybe this team isn't so bad, Bryce Young, get back in there. Don't do that. Play with Andy Dalton. Trade Bryce Young for anything you can right now.

Justin Tucker is officially washed

We also had a passing of the torch in this game. We've talked about it, but Justin Tucker missing a 46 yarder and Brandon Aubrey making a 65 yarder. I think it's official washed.

The Eagles' coaching staff is currently talentless

They are a player led team. It's, it's true... Just coordinators. No head coach. [The coaches] are not talented right now... talent's not something you can just, like, it doesn't go up and down. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a hot and cold thing.

Nick Sirianni should have been arrested for not kicking the field goal in the first half

The Eagles could have won if they had kicked that field goal in the first quarter. Which, and it's not, it's not hindsight to say it. I tweeted out at the time that Nick Sirianni should be arrested... I think that just the take that Nick Sirianni should be arrested is applicable to all sorts of different things that he does.

David Tepper chose Bryce Young because C.J. Stroud was 'too close' to his wife

Apparently Mrs. Tepper loved C.J. Stroud. Oh no. Like loved him. He call, oh, he calls her Mama Tepp. Oh no. So that's why David Tepper and then David Tepper is like, wait, I could have C.J. Stroud built like a statue seems real close with Mama Tepp or the short guy. Mm. That's just a real good friend. Wow. He's got a great personality.

Diddy killed Biggie Smalls

Diddy's a bad guy. And my take, I don't, this isn't like an a wildly original one. I think Diddy killed Biggie. Think about it. Think about it... when Biggie died, you remember Diddy was like all over tv. He did that. The video. I'll be missing you. Yeah. Like that he made his entire career about Yeah. Biggie. That is something that a psychopath killer would do.

Ben Simmons is officially back to playing at an All-Star level

Ben Simmons reportedly is in camp and or at least training. He says Ben Simmons is back to playing all star talent level basketball. Get ready for this boys big season loading... I think this is the year, this is the year for Ben.

Justin Tucker is officially washed compared to his peak

Is Justin Tucker washed? Yes. He is washed compared to peak Justin Tucker. 100%. He's no longer Justin Tucker. He's no longer, 'Hey, we have a 50-yard field goal, we're gonna make it because we have Justin Tucker.'

The Giants-Commanders Week 2 loser is officially the worst team in the division

This is a true 'ass' bowl where the team who loses this game, if, especially if they lose it significantly, they're truly ass... A loss for [the Commanders], you still have Jaden Daniels... a loss for the Giants, you're like, we thought we'd be bad, but we're worse.

Lactose intolerance is a sign of weakness and most people who claim it are 'pussies'

I think lactose intolerant people are just pussies. I just, when people are like, I can't eat that ice cream. I'm lact— shut the fuck up. Eat the ice cream. If you need an EpiPen, I respect you. If you are, if you like, oh, I got a little diarrhea, dude, that's my whole life is eating too much ice cream and getting diarrhea.

Deshaun Watson is a disgusting human being who also happens to stink at quarterback

Either he is the victim of the biggest, most coordinated, most ruthless smear campaign against an individual maybe in the history of sports, or he's a disgusting human being who should be in jail. Either way he stinks at quarterback.

Jalen Carter is a dirty player who tried to injure Jordan Love

The grass had nothing to do with that injury. You can blame Jalen Carter for being dirty, dirty player. Trying to injure people. Yeah. I think that would be the more, more the blame.

Dylan Raiola is creepy for stealing Patrick Mahomes' entire identity

The Dylan Raiola thing is creepy. Like, I'm actually creeped out by it. How he's trying to steal Patrick Mahomes's life. It's weird. It's the mannerisms, the way he was warming up was basically a copycat for Patrick Mahomes. And the hair is exactly the same. It's weird.

Joe Burrow must cut his bleached hair if the Bengals start 0-2

If they start owing two have to have to go back to the natural hair color. Cut the hair. Have to. You just can't have that as an o You can't be an o and two quarterback with the bleach blonde tips. You can't, yeah. You can't do really anything that makes you stand out if you're not good.

Sam Darnold will have a 'seven-year bump' and be better than expected

I am throwing my vote behind Sam Darnold for a guy who's gonna be better than everyone expected this year. Sam Darnold is not as bad as everyone thinks. He's better. Sam Darnold might not be bad. Seven year bump.

Deshaun Watson is a better human being than football player because he is so bad at football

Deshaun Watson's so bad at football now, I think you could say that he's a, a better person than football player. I would say as good as he is a quarterback, even better human being. Yeah. That's how bad he is in football now. Yeah. He's a better human than football player.

Deshaun Watson is on par with Bryce Young and Daniel Jones and should be benched

He's not great. He's not good. He's not even average right now. I put him on par with Bryce Young or Daniel Jones. He can go stand in line with them, rip the bandaid off before it's too late. Deshaun Watson's done... folks, he can't play. I'm ticked.

Bo Nix is the heir apparent to Jameis Winston

Bo Nix might be the heir apparent to Jameis. He's one of the funnier on field quarterbacks. 'cause everything that he does, he does with Supreme confidence. And when he throws interception, he throws the fuck out of the interception.

People who cannot figure out the ESPN/DirecTV dispute should be tried in the Supreme Court

The people that can't figure out the ESPN DirecTV shit should be tried in the Supreme Court. What do you mean? And possibly executed. They should all be tried tomorrow.

Justin Tucker might be washed

Justin Tucker might be washed. Yeah. Can't hit 50 yarders anymore.

Kyle Shanahan taking Jimmy Garoppolo to a Super Bowl is more impressive than actually winning a Super Bowl

Kyle Shanahan, he took Jimmy G to a Super Bowl. That actually might be bigger than a Super Bowl. Yeah. That might be more impressive than a Super Bowl.