Takes

Dog influencers use their pets' social media accounts to get dates

How often do you think fucking happens between two dog owners or a dog owner with that Instagram handle of their dog and uses the DMs to fuck? ... She slid into my goldendoodle's DMs... not Ms. Peaches because Dave is famous in his own right. I'm talking about like the people who have no fame, but their dog has insane fame. You definitely use that dog to fuck, right? A hundred percent yes.

The Conn Smythe Trophy is the cruelest gift you can give a player who just lost the Stanley Cup

Fuck off on giving me that trophy after I just had my guts ripped out and was on the brink of a historical, historical comeback... why would you want to accept it? It's cool that he won it. He was the best player in these playoffs. He broke all these records, but fuck off on giving me that trophy... I would say it's probably the meanest gift you can give to somebody.

Jalen Brown's necklace bio-streams caffeine and melatonin into the body digitally

It's caffeine and a necklace... use its patented technology to bio stream compounds like caffeine and melatonin digitally without you having to ingest them... happy tiny magnetic songs naturally stimulate bio receptors and cell to recreate the same sensations without side effects... 25 blends are available... simply choose the blend you'd like to play. And happy does the rest.

Jason Tatum has no 'aura'

I have no aura. Perfect. Exa—great. Find it. That's, I have no aura... If you see it, you can tell, you can use, you don't have to know the definition... KG has a shit load... [Tatum] has no aura. No. Like Big Cat doesn't even, literally doesn't know what the definition of or is. He just knows... you can tell.

Three beers is the perfect amount for playing a round of golf

Drank three beers and then the round ended and he ended up in a playoff and won the playoff... he was like, three beers are gonna make me play perfect. Like yes. It's the perfect amount. It is... for the people that say like, I need, you know, you hit a bad shot or you have a couple bad holes. You're like, I need to drink three beers.

JJ Redick used his podcast with LeBron James as a 4-month job interview for the Lakers

He used podcasting... it's a stepping stone job... LeBron, you can have conversations with people and be like, I think this guy would be a good coach... just say what it was. Yeah. We decided, we realized that podcasting is the greatest loophole ever. And we did a podcast about the philosophies of basketball... I was essentially interviewing him for the job and then we hired him.

The Phillies are a lock to reach the NLCS

The Phillies would have to really fuck up not to be in at least the NLCS because the NL is trash... they will be in big playoff games... there's no way that they're not gonna be in big playoff games... the Phillies will be in the NLCS. It would be you. I don't know if they'll win the NLCS. Yeah, that's gonna be a tough series... but the way the NL is set up. I think they will be in the NLCS.

There was a 30% chance Taylor Swift would attend the Beer Olympics

I've heard from multiple reports that Will said there was a 30% chance that Taylor Swift was gonna come to the beer Olympics... You never know. I think there's still a chance she might show up... when Dave was really wasn't on board, he was like, you could get me back. If you get Taylor Swift there. Right. Okay. So we're like, okay, there's a shot.

I can chug a beer faster than Taylor Lewan

I can chug faster than Taylor... [Lewan] put it down in like 3.8 seconds... the boot? ... I can't [do] that. One beer. [But] I beat Dana Beers too.

I am officially retired from drinking games

I retired from drinking games. I put out a press release... I'm just washed, dude. I'm so washed... I retired from drinking games. What led to the retirement? I'm just washed, dude... you're never supposed to retire right after the season... I left myself open to unretire, but I'm retired as of right now.

Caleb Williams is going to be an awesome quarterback

It happened to me today and I don't know if that's people just trying to be nice to me, but I had multiple people. I'm like, yeah, Caleb Williams could be awesome.

Jalen Hurts is definitely a good NFL quarterback

Everyone knows that Jalen Hurts is good quarterback. Is he? Yeah. Jalen Hurts is the guy.

The Boston Celtics championship parade was the biggest in NBA history

Biggest, biggest parade in NBA championship history. Is that a fact? 1.5 million people.

If the Oilers win Game 7, it will be the most iconic moment in Stanley Cup Finals history

This would be, I think, the most iconic moment in Stanley Cup finals history. If they're able to pull [off the comeback].

The College World Series Jello shot challenge is officially ruined

What ruined it for me was someone said that they have them prepackaged and people show up and just buy a bunch and then like walk away. And like, that's not in the spirit of the rules. You should have to take the jello shot for it to count.

'Hawk Tua' will be the number one fantasy football team name for 2024

I think we can already say that's the number one fantasy football team name for 2024, right? Hawk Tua.

If you protest at a sporting event, your punishment should be getting hit with a ball from that sport

Your punishment should just be directly related to the sport. They should have to go stand at the tee box and Scottie Scheffler and Tom Kim get the tee one like right at them. That's what it should be.

Clutch Sports trying to nitpick Michael Jordan's 1988 stats is a desperate admission of defeat in the GOAT debate

I don't understand how you can look at this and not be like, this is the pettiest saddest thing possible. If you have to try to tear down MJ to elevate LeBron, you've already lost in my opinion. If you have to go back in time and trying to nitpick stats, you're essentially admitting that you've lost.

Connor McDavid is the greatest athlete in the world right now

Connor McDavid and him being the greatest athlete in the world right now, better at his sport than any other person is at their sport.

Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final will go to overtime

I think it's going overtime, which I didn't think it ever happened. Somebody told me it did. It might've been in the twenties or thirties for all I know. But game seven overtime for the Stanley Cup. I feel like this season's been so crazy that it might happen tonight.

Chris Paul will never win a championship

Second pick is gonna be Chris Paul. Chris Paul can't win the big one. Just can't do it. He's never gonna win the big one.

Caitlin Clark is on the 'can't win the big one' list because she never won a title at Iowa

Caitlin Clark can't win the big one. She has not been able to win the big one. She lost... she literally college cannot win the big one and like, I don't know what else you could say about it.

Podcasters can do anything now that JJ Redick is the Lakers head coach

JJ Redick is now the coach of the Los Angeles Lakers... my first thought was, it's huge for the podcast community. It is. Us podcasters can do anything. It's important to have representation in the media. So growing up, if you're a kid out there with a podcast, you can look at JJ Redick and say, I too one day can coach the Lakers.

The Detroit Pistons job is the American Dream because you get paid $60 million not to work

I think that this makes the job opening in Detroit way more attractive. Yeah. Because you can go there for a year, get fired and still get paid for the remaining four or five years that you have on your contract... getting paid money not to work is the American dream. And so that's ultimately the best thing that you wanna be looking for when you're a head coach.

Expanding the NCAA Tournament to 72 or 76 teams is going to suck

The NCAA's trying to move the tournament to an expanded field. This is gonna suck. Yeah. So 72 to 76 team tournament plans is what they're trying to do... 64 teams is perfect. They just don't need to add more bubble teams. You never remember 'em.

The Bulls traded a winning player in Alex Caruso for a losing player in Josh Giddey

I am mad. I continue to be mad at this franchise. They fucking suck Jerry Reinsdorf. All he wants to do is win 40 games... Giddy Caruso. I love Caruso. He's a friend of the show. I love Caruso. This comes down to you traded a winning player in Alex Caruso for a losing player in Josh Giddey.

The 2024 Celtics are one of the all-time great NBA teams

I mean you, you think about it, you're like, I mean we're one of the all time teams. I'm obviously, I'm biased and so I'm gonna say it, but just you, you think about it like you are just enjoying it... I do think like we are one of those teams and it's the best run.

Sam Hauser will be the sneaky drunkest person at the Celtics championship parade

So my dad said he is like, I just seen a Reddit post and I was one of the top vote getters [for drunkest at parade]... I mean I could see that. So yeah, I'll probably be up there... And I could see Sam Houser as the sneaky drunkest one. Sam Houser. That's my dark horse.

I will be the fastest I've ever been in the NFL this season at age 33

I want to be the fastest I've ever been. So my goal is to lean out, to be as fast as I've ever been. Top end speed, change the direction, and I truly, I think I can do it. I feel great right now... My goal is to be as fast and explosive as I possibly can.

Kirk Cousins is the most process-driven person I've ever been around

That guy is the most process driven person I've ever been around in my life. It is unbelievable. He does not leave any stone unturned. He does ne he, I mean, he will never not be prepared for a game... he's putting every ounce of time, effort, money into having the most success as a team.

Patrick Mahomes is not the biggest threat on the celebrity golf circuit

I don't think Patrick Mahomes is the biggest threat on the golf course. Oh, okay. On the football field obviously is the biggest, but golf course I think a little different... I know he does have like a real golf hole in his backyard... I just don't see him winning it.

I wasn't going to fake a celebration for the cameras just because the Celtics won the championship

I just don't know really. Like I was thinking that what should I do? And I kind of knew that that was gonna be the reaction, but I also wasn't gonna fake it. Like I wasn't gonna drop to my knees and be like, you guys knew you were gonna win after game three.

Brad Stevens is in the conversation for the greatest GM of all time

Brad Stevens is, you know, the greatest GM of all time. I think he's gotta be. He's in all time in this conversation.

The Celtics are set up for a dynasty

I mean the team is set up for a great, great run, which is the most exciting part. We win a championship now and we're set up, we're set up for the future. Maybe a real [dynasty].

Luka Doncic will definitely win an NBA title

I think Luka just needs to get in better shape. I think Luka's gonna be, the path that Luka's on. He's going to win a title. I would put I'd, I'd bet it right now. Luka will win a title.

Jason Tatum has negative aura

Hank, would you like to speak at all about the fact that Jason Tatum has negative aura? It just didn't feel authentic, which again, this is very nitpicky because they just won the title. He just kind of speaks in memes and thinks in memes.

LSU should find a way to vacate Nick Saban's wins to be real haters

What I think LSU should do, find something that happened when Nick Saban was there, because Nick Saban is up for eligibility next year. And if they took away his wins at LSU... If you want to be a real hater, you could do that to a coach that left you and then came and coached for your rival.

The MLB playoffs are stupid because too many bad teams are alive for the wild card

The Major League baseball completely fucked up the playoffs with this wild card. It's so stupid because now everyone's alive... I don't like that they did this in the NBA either. I think that there should be a rule where if you're beneath 500, you shouldn't even be listed in the wild card possibilities.

Tearing my meniscus was one of the best things that happened to me this season

I'll tell you what, it almost, it was one of the best things that happened to me for the rest of the season. 'Cause it put me in like this fight or flight mentality to where like I could just not relax... I've been thinking about maybe getting hurt every All-Star break.

The Joker is more dangerous than Batman because he is willing to do whatever it takes

The issue with Batman is like he's not willing to do whatever it takes. Like he has a chance to throw [Joker] off the cliff at the end of the second one and he doesn't do it. He saves his life. And so like the scary thing about Batman is like is he willing to go the extra mile to do what's necessary for the greater good? And that's the danger part of Joker is like he's willing to go the extra mile to get his point across.

Hank has 24 hours to shave his head

24 hours... because then now you're people like you, Hank will be the reason why we struggle next year because we're trying to get ready for the next season... The longer you play that, the longer we're living in the past.

I will be calling college football this fall

If I make myself publicly fully available right now, best case scenario, I'm in the booth calling college football this fall. Is that gonna happen? Is that reality? I don't know. But the odds are going to increase by making this jump right now.

The Celtics will win Game 5 by a lot

Celtics I think are six and a half point favorites on Monday night. I believe they're gonna win by a lot.

Every athlete should get one pass per year to skip the media after a loss

I think that every athlete should get one a year where they can just say, I'm I'm not doing this and, and this you, you and if you, if you don't use it, you lose it. So you don't get carryover, but you get one a year where you can just be like, Nope, no moss, I can't do it. Because I would, if I were Rory and I had to sit there and have Bryson come up to me and be like, that was an incredible fight you put up, you know what? Oh, you played so great. I wish two of us could have won this. And then go sit and have some reporter say, Rory, talk me through what happened with that putt that you missed. I kill myself.

Rory McIlroy's tire spinning exit gave reporters a better story than a boring press conference would have

The media gets so mad after Claire. And then they have all their articles about how this person didn't give them anything to write about. Right. And he actually, Rory gave everybody so much more stuff to write about. Right. So much more stuff to talk about by not answering questions than he did if he had stuck around and just given like deadpan answers of credit to Bryce. And he played really, really well. Of course I'm disappointed. Very upset that I missed those puts, you know? Yeah. It's one of those things, golf's a hard game. That's what Rory would've said.

There is no way the Celtics blow a 3-1 lead with two home games left

When you have a three oh cushion though, I mean there's no way. There's just no way. They have two home games. Oh, no way. Worst case way, worst case scenario. But it's not scenario they have.

A Celtics and Panthers money line parlay is a lock for Monday night

The fact that the Panthers then lost eight to one in the exact same setup made me feel like both teams are just gonna like, listen, I'm not a gambling expert, but a Panthers Celtics money line parlay game five feels like it could potentially happen.

Charles Barkley's retirement announcement is just a leverage play

I don't buy it. I don't buy it. I don't buy it. He's too good. That's just what you say at the end of the year. He's just doing, he's he's said a million different things. He's like, well maybe I'll just hire everyone and we'll have a new, we'll bring it over here. Maybe I'll retire. Maybe w he's just, I love Charles Barkley. I love, love, love Charles Barkley. I don't buy it. Charles Barkley could talk about anything on TV and I would watch. Yeah. It doesn't matter what it could be.

Rory McIlroy will likely pull out of the Travelers Championship

I think this one's gonna sting for a really long time and it won't surprise me to see him pull out of the travelers this next week. I, I doubt we'll see him there. I'd be shocked if we see him there and yeah, the fifth major, there you go.

The Jets made a bigger story out of Aaron Rodgers' absence than it needed to be

Don don't think there's a problem. And I know that memes had some issue with something that I said last week because I saw the tweet and I had to send it to you Big Cat to get an interpretation like most people of my generation do. Hey son, what is this all about? I didn't get it. Here's the issue with Aaron Rogers and I think this is more about the Jets than Aaron Rogers. They fucked this up so bad last week. All they had to do was excuse his absence. That's all they had to do.