Takes

Marquez Valdes-Scantling will score the first touchdown of Super Bowl 58

Are we so happy with Valdes-Scantling? [Big Cat: Okay, down. It's in.] Now that's gotta be a big number. Marquez Valdes-Scantling first touchdown.

I am betting $5,000 on a Kyle Juszczyk anytime touchdown and Marquez Valdes-Scantling first touchdown parlay to win $1 million

I'm gonna parlay [Kyle] Juszczyk anytime touchdown with Marquez Valdes-Scantling first touchdown. Five grand to win $1 million. Done.

The NFL is better when the Patriots are losing

I'm sorry to get right into it about the Patriots, but I do wanna say the NFL is better when the Patriots are losing. I'm not kidding. Think about this season and how exciting it's been. How many ups and downs... when the Patriots aren't in play, it's just more fun. It's wide open.

Mike McDaniel will become annoying if the Dolphins don't win soon

Is Coach McDaniel annoying? [Big Cat: Not annoying.] If they don't win next year. Yes. Annoying. Umm. You don't think the, the, the pants, the, the, the Kop pants are like a little... the sunglasses all the time is a little bit much for me.

Taylor Swift should have dated someone on the Panthers to learn that life isn't that easy

I don't wanna say anything negative about Taylor Swift, but that that just, it it, it's unfair that Taylor Swift was basically introduced to the NFL this year. And she's already in the Super Bowl... she should have dated someone on like the Panthers. Yeah. Go to Bank of America Stadium Week 16. That's a fact. I wanna see David Tepper pouring a drink on her.

The Jim Harbaugh hiring won't make the Chargers winners for years

None of the Chargers. AFC West, Harbaugh. I just don't see it happening. It's like, it's like buying a dilapidated Victorian home. It's like not gonna be inhabitable for years.

The 49ers are the most boring team in the NFL

Why do the 49ers bore me? So why are they so boring? That no sense... it's just like, what do you want like 20 points from all your player starters every week? Is that what you want? I don't know. I'm so bored... there's a boredom that happens with the 49ers.

MetLife Stadium is cursed

My Hot Seat is MetLife Stadium. It was recently announced that the very cursed stadium in the NFL world will be hosting the 2026 World Cup final... however, I believe they're switching it to grass. Correct? They are. But it's still cursed.

Drake leaked his own explicit video as a flex

Drake international superstar. He was jacking off and the video came out. I actually think my conspiracy theory brain tells me that Drake leaked this himself because it's a good angle... he's got a big dick and he's got a big dick. Yeah. So if anything it like my respect for Drake increased today.

Mike Vrabel is too physically intimidating to get a head coaching job

She [Diana Russini] said that she had a GM at the Senior Bowl who mentioned to me Vrabel's physical build, that he's a very large human being and can be very intimidating to people in an organization... If you're a football owner, large human beings, you don't wanna be around them. You want a nerd. You want a tiny little nerd.

Andy Reid will never retire because he has no hobbies except football and cheeseburgers

Andy Reid, who is not gonna retire. This is all he does. I'm trying to get Andy to play golf. I'm trying to get him to go hunting. He just won't do it. Andy Reid also has a bucket list... it's just eating in different countries. My prediction, they win the Super Bowl, he probably goes to France. Eats his way through France.

I am intensely attracted to Tiffany Gomas

I have such an intense attraction to Tiffany Gomas. It is, it's actually, I am, I'm obsessed with her... I follow her on Instagram. I even like leave comments like 'looking good girl'... I think the thing I'm most attracted to is that there's a real, a mental issue there... I'm really attracted to her.

Patrick Mahomes is already in the GOAT discussion with Montana and Brady

He's already in that discussion... he's this ages Brady, or this generation, or this decades, Brady, Montana... He's already there because the potential is he 28 years old? I still think of him as 22 and 23... He gets it. Fascinating to me.

Taylor Swift is absolutely good for football

Absolutely. And I'll tell you why... I think she's legitimate. I'm in my mid thirties. I'm cheering on my guy and I'm having fun at the game... anything that makes somebody a pro football fan from nothing can't be all bad.

Josh Allen would have a Super Bowl appearance by now if he played in the NFC

If Josh Allen was in the NFC, he'd probably have been in his Super Bowl by now. I would think so. [Big Cat: And the 49ers are. Yeah. They had one year.]... the AFC, the best quarterbacks in football. Well aren't they all there?

The Chiefs will beat the 49ers 22-18 in Super Bowl LVIII

I think the Chiefs repeat. 23-20. [Big Cat: No, let's fix that.]... So 22-18. You get to 18, I mean, there's six... you could kick a lot of field goal. 22-18. The Chiefs, I have them winning. I'd like to see a repeat champ and I just hope people recognize what they're watching.

I completely bombed my stand-up comedy set

It was just, it was all downhill. I knew it was bad. My dad texted me after he just said, 'you okay'. I was, I was like, I'm, I was like, I'm fine... but even if I prepped a year, you can't, you can't teach public speaking.

The Larry the Goldfish tattoo looks bad because I used a frozen dead corpse as the reference

I never told you guys. 'cause I knew I would've never heard the end of it... [The tattoo artist] asked for a reference picture. And I was like, whoa, I can get a reference picture. He's in the freezer so let me go take a picture... he had already done the full dead tattoo on my body where I was like, oh my God, this is a dead goldfish. I could've just Googled goldfish and it wouldn't have mattered.

The Commanders have overplayed their hand in trying to get Caleb Williams

I would make the guess right now that the Commanders have already fucked this up because no one has overplayed their hand more than the Commanders have already overplayed their hand. ... You guys have overplayed your hand to the point where it's like obvious that you're lusting for this guy. And that's a bad spot to be in a negotiation three months out.

The 49ers will stop Patrick Mahomes in Super Bowl LVIII

I put in the biggest bet of my life on the 49ers. And I feel like we can stop Patrick Mahomes. ... We can be the ones to do it. This is it. ... We can do this. We can be the ones to stop him.

The Enhanced Games (steroid Olympics) will be better than the actual Olympics

I'm going to watch hard. ... That sounds way better than the regular Olympics. ... They're starting the Olympic games where every contestant's gonna be allowed to dope, which means we're gonna get all kinds of crazy records. We have a bunch of freaks running around out there.

Robbie Avila will be a breakout star if Indiana State makes the NCAA Tournament

Robbie Avila from Indiana State. ... He's got rec specs. And he is, if Indiana State gets to the tournament, which they are the best team in the Missouri Valley right now. We could have like a, this, this guy could like, capture the hearts of America.

Indiana is scared to play Indiana State in basketball

Do you know that Indiana state, Indiana doesn't play Indiana state because they just embarrassed him every time they play him. Indiana State, I think last time they played 'em was like 2017 and they won by like 20. Damn. So Indiana's just scared of 'em.

My depth perception improved instantly after having LASIK surgery

The depth perception was the biggest thing. ... I just feel like the depth of a linebacker, like eight yards and 12 yards is completely different. ... It's just like, it's no second guess. It's no, it's no, it's no. Like I said, no second guessing. It's just trust and confirm and let it rip.

I definitely would have made it to the major leagues in baseball

I miss baseball so much and, and I, I truly believe that me not playing baseball did not allow me to achieve certain athletic movements on the football field that I was when I was playing baseball every single day. ... I do believe that I would, I would've made it to the show. ... At the end of Florida State I was top nine at 98 [MPH].

Mike Evans is the most underrated player in the NFL

I don't know who's more underrated [between Lavonte David and Demario Davis], but I know the caliber of men they both are and I know both of them should be and will be Hall of Famers. I feel like the most underrated player I play with, honestly, that people don't give enough respect to is Mike Evans. ... He don't complain about nothing. ... And you leave him off all pros, you leave him off pro bowls and stuff like that. I'm just like, man, like they, the world, the NFL culture don't know what they missing with Mike Evans.

Florida wide receivers have a better work ethic than receivers from other states

Florida wide receivers are probably the most one. ... I believe that Florida receivers have an entire different work ethic and grind than receivers from other places. ... They're working on their feet. Like what you looking for? They got ta ta they got some of this, they got some of that. But you know, I feel like all of them, you know, they need to get a psychiatrist and, and just, and just share with them some of the things that they went through.

Braxton Berrios and Alix Earle are the hottest couple ever

Braxton Berrios is one of our guys. He's a thirst strapper. Correct. His hair, by the way, has been looking incredible. Yeah. No, they're the hottest couple ever. ... I think that they enjoy having sex with each other. They're probably the only, only, they're probably each person is probably the first person that the others had sex with that's like, oh, now I get why sex is great.

The Cowboys defense is going to get worse now that Dan Quinn is the Commanders head coach

Max should be ecstatic about Dan Quinn because at the very least, the Cowboys defense is gonna get worse. Right? Yep. And so if [the Commanders] get better and the Cowboys defense gets worse, I think that's a win-win for both me and you.

NFL 'retreads' like Dan Quinn run the world and usually figure it out on their second stop

Retreads run the world. Retreads run the NFL. Gary Kubiak, John Gruden, Bill Parcells, Tony Dungy, Tom Coughlin, Pete Carroll, Andy Reid, Mike Shanahan, Don Shula. Bill Belichick was a retread when he was hired by the New England Patriots. Dan Quinn, second stop, he's gonna figure it out.

Lamar Jackson should get fat because natural padding helps quarterbacks absorb hits

I think it's good if your quarterback's a little bit chunky, a little bit fat. Yeah. You get it's natural padding. It absorbs some of the hits. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady. These guys weren't in the best shape... Lamar Jackson should get fat.

College football needs a CBA to govern NIL and the transfer portal

I think college football needs a CBA to kind of govern this because it's clear that the federal government is not gonna step in... right now you got a fall transfer portal period, you got a spring transfer portal period... name, image and likeness was put in place just for that. What it has turned into now is free agency.

Greg Sankey should be named the 'Czar' or Commissioner of College Football

The NCAA is useless... Greg Sankey is the most powerful person in college football. So if we want to deem a czar or a commissioner of college football, I'm gonna nominate Greg Sankey because whatever the SEC does... everybody else will follow.

Caleb Williams' ceiling is significantly higher than Justin Fields'

I think if you're the Bears, because where Caleb Williams is, I think his ceiling is so much higher than Justin Fields. Justin Fields can develop into a really, really good quarterback... But Caleb Williams has enough of Mahomes stuff in him that you gotta invest in that. Caleb Williams as a passer coming into the National Football League is further along than Justin Fields.

The 49ers will win Super Bowl 58 because 'it's their time'

This is kind of a heart pick... I just think there's a certain thing to say about it being your time. Like I just think it's the 49ers' time. Like how many times are they gonna knock on this door... they're healthy, the defense I think it's good enough, Brock Purdy has been playing outstanding. I'm picking the 49ers.

The NFL is 'fixed' and a 'psyop' to ensure the Chiefs reach the Super Bowl for Taylor Swift market share

This is the most psyop, most fucking fixed shit of all time... the NFL had a lot of fucking money to make from a purely market share standpoint. Like we [the Ravens] would've cost the NFL so much money... Roger Goodell, you're a fucking joke. They get fucking little girls to buy Stanley Cup fucking Chiefs gear. Now we got fucking Travis Kelce on Stanley Cups in third grade.

US elite athletes and quarterbacks would dominate Olympic Handball with minimal training

I believe it even more [that we would win gold]. Josh Allen could be the best handball player in the world right now... Imagine trying to stop Lamar. You could just take quarterbacks and they would win a gold medal. I think like two weeks of training.

The Washington Commanders head coaching job is actually a very good job

The mess is gone. We don't have the mess... You've got Josh Harris, good owner, he'll spend money, we're gonna get a new stadium... You have the most salary cap room in the NFL, and you have the number two overall pick. It's pretty good. In terms of the long-term aspect for the job.

I was wrong: Brock Purdy is much better than Jimmy Garoppolo

I would like to correct myself at the end of the show. We, we were talking about Jimmy G and Brock Purdy. I did. I was like, oh, was Jimmy G's be, you know, is he that much worse than Brock Purdy? That was wrong. Brock Purdy's much better than Jimmy G... Brock Purdy is better both with his legs with taking shots.

The Ravens' AFC Championship loss is much worse than the Lions' NFC Championship loss

I think that Ravens loss is so much worse than the Lions... I think it's so much worse because the Lions, and it sounds cliche, they, they died on their sword. They did what they do and it didn't work... The Ravens squandered a incredible opportunity as a favorite at home to beat Patrick Mahomes that they may never get again... Your game plan stunk.

Lamar Jackson's window is shorter than Patrick Mahomes' because of his reliance on athleticism

When you think about the Raven's future, it's not a knock on Lamar to say that. Who would you rather have a 35-year-old Patrick Mahomes or a 35-year-old Lamar Jackson? Yeah. It's, there will be a limit on his athleticism... I'm just saying the window is a little bit shorter for a Lamar Jackson than it is for a Patrick Mahomes.

Three championships in five years officially makes the Chiefs a dynasty

I think you can even zoom out and just say about the Chiefs if they win this game of Dynasty. Yeah. Because that's a rule, right? Dynasty talk. Three championships in five years. That's Dynasty. This is crowning them being the new dynasty.

I'm rooting for Travis Kelce to propose to Taylor Swift on the jumbotron to watch the internet break

The one thing I am rooting for is I hope Travis Kelce proposes Taylor Swift. That would be awesome on the field after... I root for it because all the swifties would have to do mental gymnastics to be like, that's so cute... I want it like to be on the jumbotron and then Swifties have to be like, that's so beautiful.

Caleb Williams is 'popping' because he already has dedicated haters before the draft

If you ain't got no haters, you ain't popping... So Caleb Williams is popping... The anonymous scouts are going off about Caleb Williams... saying things like, you remember he paints his nails? ... These are all big red flags. Nah... if there's Caleb Williams, I would be more concerned about the guy who doesn't get any negative press.

Panthers HC Dave Canales made a mistake writing a book about his infidelity and porn addiction

This is kind of a lesson in like, maybe don't ever get that big job. 'cause then people will start looking at your life. Dave Canales co-wrote a book with his wife about marriage... Canales admits to having had multiple affairs earlier in his life... also described in the book the addictions he once had to both pornography and alcohol. It sounds like his wife made him write a book. If you're co-authoring a book with your wife talking about your porn addiction, it's like a self-flagellation.

Patrick Mahomes is a genuinely good guy who does a lot of charity work when cameras aren't there

I'm amazed at Patrick Mahomes. He's a legitimate good guy that I think has a really big heart. When you talk to their PR folks, they're like, you should see what this guy does when nobody's looking. When cameras aren't there... he does stuff that nobody has any idea about. Just 'cause he is a good guy.

Tom Brady should not over-prepare and should just be himself in the broadcasting booth

If I am telling Tom Brady anything... I would just say be yourself. I, I don't get into this trying to sound like what you've heard over the years... You know the game. Don't over prepare and see what you see and react with your gut on what you see. I, I think so many times people like that's, they, they overdo it to the point where they're just paralyzed by so much information.

The 49ers should run the ball 40 times and live in big personnel to beat the Chiefs

Rematch... the 49ers handling business for three and a half quarters [last time]... dude, if I, I'm telling you, if I'm San Francisco, I'm in big personnel two, two backs. So use Juszczyk, McCaffrey... just go three tight ends, big personnel. Get in a phone booth and duke it out. Run it right at 'em... try and rush it 40 times.

Brock Purdy is a top five quarterback in the NFL

[Option for spicy take: top five or worst?] I'm going top five. 'cause I mean, I saw something the other day that said, you know, he was leading the league in yards per attempt, passing efficiency... Patrick Mahomes, right? So don't forget about what Brock Purdy did all year... those three scrambles he made in the second half... that turned the tide of the game.

I can't bet against Patrick Mahomes ever again

I can't bet against Mahomes anymore, man. Yep, yep. And I thought, I thought Baltimore would handle 'em. Yeah. I thought the bills, the bills had 'em... and this dude just finds a way to win. So if I bet against the guy, I'm like, that's crazy. I'm, I'm doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.