Takes

Randy Moss is not a top 10 Patriot of all time

Randy Moss also, it's crazy to say, but like, I don't know that he's a top 10 patriot of all time. [Because he] didn't win a ring.

Tiger Woods is officially over the hill

I think Tiger might be a little bit over the hill. I think it might have happened. I want him to be in these events 'cause it's fun when he is there. But it also is a bummer when he has to withdraw.

The rule that disqualified Jordan Spieth for an incorrect scorecard is the dumbest rule ever

That Jordan Spieth rule was the, it's the dumbest rule ever because it's not even his, it's his partner filling out the scorecard and he signs it. That's stupid.

Mark Zuckerberg is an animal and would defeat everyone on the PMT crew in a fight

Zuck is a beast... Zuck would take us down. I hate to say it but kind of an animal. He gets smoked and he... yeah.

The Waterdogs are doomed for the regular season if they win the PLL preseason tournament

I don't wanna win that. I don't wanna win the pre-season tournament. I think if we win the pre-season tournament, we're screwed for the regular season.

James Harden winning a title as a third option doesn't invalidate a decade of criticism against him

Does it mean I was wrong about Harden for 10 years if he wins it this year? No... he's the third option now. So I'm still in the clear for a decade worth of takes... If somebody can play bad on purpose to get their way, like what are you gonna be like in a really tight spot in the playoffs?

LeBron James no longer does the little things like boxing out or transition defense

LeBron is the best player I've ever seen... But he doesn't do the little things that I think are really important in basketball anymore. He doesn't do those things anymore... you lose your guy boxing out all the time. You don't get back in transition. You lose guys on these baseline cuts.

The Boston Celtics are the NBA championship favorites if Kristaps Porzingis remains healthy

Boston... if Pingus is healthy, they have probably, they're probably still the favorite... Their one through rate is ridiculous.

The heliocentric style of offense led by Luka Doncic is difficult to win with in the playoffs

The history of the heliocentric offenses are really bad in the playoffs. You basically had one NBA finals guy for a top 20 usage rate in the NBA history... It sucks watching somebody else have the ball all the time... whenever they shut off your drive in the playoffs, now I have to shoot.

Victor Wembanyama is already a massive success and will meet every expectation

He's incredible. Everything about him this year individually for him is a massive success... His personality just seems so genuine in that he's been mentally built to take on the responsibility that he's gonna have to take on for a franchise at a young age.

Jared Goff is a winner and his success with the Lions proves I was right about him

I was right about Jared Goff... he take the Lions the NFC Championship game. He's a quiet leader... I'm very happy for you and your good friend Jared Goff.

I hate expanded playoffs in any sport and prefer leaving teams out

I don't like that there's this many NFL teams in the playoffs. I think it's stupid. I'm big on—I know it's gonna shock you—I like leaving people out of things. I hate expanded anything.

Baldur's Gate 3 is currently bigger than Dungeons & Dragons itself

I'd say [Baldur's Gate 3] is bigger than D&D itself right now. It has won all the awards. It has become this huge video game and it's all based off of the D&D rules. It's the best job they've done taking the game we know and love and turning it into a video game experience.

James Madison would be the best U.S. President at performing oral sex

What president would suck the best dick? James Madison. Yeah, definitely. Well no. What about, what about silver tongue Lyndon B. Johnson? Wouldn't it be Reagan? 'cause he's been taught by the best. Oh yeah, true. I think he, he's the best at getting head. Well maybe Clinton.

Amphibians have ears that connect directly to their brains

One thing I know about lizards and amphibians, they've got ears that connect directly to their brain. Could I sing a note so high that the vibration of it kills everyone's tadpole?

Mind-controlling teammates in Dungeons & Dragons is acceptable because it isn't the real world

This is d and d. It's different than the real world. I don't feel bad... Scre it. This is fake. This is fantasy life... I actually controlled your mind and brought you to the promise land.

The ideal heaven includes NFL games where every over hits and the channel changes the moment it gets boring

Is NFL on? Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent. And every game is like exactly as exciting as you want. Every over hits, every game is like going into the most exciting moments. And then as soon as it gets boring, the channel just changes to a new more exciting game.

NFL teams that score first in overtime should go for two

If you do get the ball first in overtime and you score, should you preemptively go for two? That would be the only thing that could save the 49ers if they said, yeah, our plan was to go for two if we scored a touchdown.

Kyle Shanahan is officially the coach that can't win a Super Bowl

This is a label that's gonna wear on him. It is what he is at this point. Like until he wins a Super Bowl, we're just gonna say, yeah, Kyle Shanahan is the guy that can't win a Super Bowl.

Patrick Mahomes will soon reach AI-like super computer status

He'll soon reach super computer status where he'll know what to do before each play starts. He's just becoming AI. We've got AI Mahomes.

Caleb Williams is putting up too much bulletin board material before entering the NFL

I do want him on the Bears. But like, you gotta play in the NFL first, dude. You gotta know the pictures. He's putting up a lot of bulletin board material on himself. Well, in the last like full year. Get there and be good for a little bit and then you could do anything you want.

The playoff overtime rules should be the regular season overtime rules

They need to make that the regular season overtime rule. I, I really don't understand. And the excitement factor and the strategy and the risk involved is it's so different.

College football overtime should have no kicking

Do you know what they should do? They should do college football overtime. No kicking. You just like, it's just score a touchdown from the 25. Everyone can hit a field goal in the NFL from 25. I'm just saying you just only can score a touchdown.

The Taco Bell Cheez-It Crunchwrap will be elite

Let me just say that The Cheez-It Crunchwrap looks elite. Yes. It looks, I without tasting it, I can tell you that's probably on my Mount Rushmore of Taco Bell Foods.

I can still play in the NFL and am not technically retired

Can I still play in the NFL? Yes. Yes. Are you retired technically? No. I have not put in my paperwork or, you know, signed my anything with like the trust or anything like that. I've done that on purpose because I didn't want to have to do it twice. But no, I, I just train every week like I'm a player and then if I get the call, I'm ready to roll.

I ran a 4.38 forty-yard dash on camera last year

I ran a 4, 2, 5 last year. So you're faster than you've ever been. It was hand times. But then they actually went back and timed it on the camera and then it was a 4, 3, 8. So we'll go 4, 3, 8. I'm cool with that. Listen that, that's faster than I've ever been to be honest.

The Washington Commanders will likely change their name again

I think it's a terrible name. Yeah, I think it's an awful name, man. I don't think it's gonna be Commanders long term. Because if you've seen Josh Harris, I kept an eye on this all year. He always wears the Washington hat, right? With the W on it. I've never seen him wear Commanders on his shirts.

I shouldn't have played at all in the 2013 NFL season

I came away from watching that tape in 2013, honestly disgusted. I shouldn't have played at all in 2013. Gave myself a full, a full year of not just watching tape and building those bonds. The bottom line is, I did play, and what you put on tape is how they're going to judge you.

NFL teams shouldn't draft a QB into a split front office situation

If I'm an evaluator, I'm a GM, I'm never drafting a quarterback into a situation where there's a split in the building. Don't do that. 'Cause the kid's not gonna be able to have the best chance to be successful. You can't draft a guy if everybody's not gonna be in lockstep to help develop that guy.

Brock Purdy played the quarterback position better than anyone else this year

If you just look at Brock Purdy stats from the regular season, you'd say he was the best quarterback in the NFL this year. Lamar was the MVP, Brock Purdy played the quarterback position better than anybody in the NFL. He's a creator. He creates plays for them, not just with ball placement, but with his legs.

Patrick Mahomes is the second greatest quarterback in history after only six years

Mahomes is either gonna have two Super Bowls in his six years, or he is gonna have three Super Bowls. So he'll already have been the second greatest quarterback in NFL history. In six years. It's crazy. He's on a Brady track.

Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen deserve the same grace period Peyton Manning had

It took Peyton Manning nine seasons to win one Super Bowl. And Lamar's going into year seven. So give him that grace that we gave to some of these others. Same with Josh Allen. I hate the fact that they're debating whether he's great on TV every freaking week when he loses a game.

The Kansas City Chiefs have reached their final form as the dynastic New England Patriots

They've reached their final form of being the dynastic New England Patriots, 'cause they are a dynasty now. Three [titles] in five [years].

It's a failure if the Chiefs don't win three Super Bowls in a row

I would actually go as far as to say if they don't get three in a row, it's a failure.

Patrick Mahomes is on pace to be the greatest athlete of all time

Patrick Mahomes is on pace to be the greatest athlete of all time. He's got six years and he is a hall of fame, no doubt, first ballot Hall of Famer if he retired tomorrow.

Kyle Shanahan made a huge mistake taking the ball first in overtime

Taking the ball in overtime was a huge, huge mistake... It makes no sense because under the new rules, each team gets to possess the ball at least once. And if you're the second team to possess the ball, you have all the knowledge of what the first team did.

Tony Romo doesn't add any substance to broadcasts anymore

Tony Romo, he just doesn't. And we were the first to this take... He doesn't add any substance anymore. And it's like, and he makes weird noises. He was singing into commercial. He just says obvious things and he misses obvious things too.

If you are a streaker and you aren't nude, you're not a streaker

If you're a streaker and you're not nude, you're not a streaker. You are an enemy combatant... If you just interrupt the game and you're wearing pants, you're not a streaker. That's stolen valor.

Las Vegas will host the Super Bowl once every two or three years

I think we're gonna be in a world where Vegas is gonna be hosting a lot more Super Bowls... If not every year, like it'll be once every two years or once every three years, it will get a more frequent rotation than any other stadium.

Ludacris should have a 'Lud Bowl' halftime show performing all his features

I think that they should do a Lud Bowl halftime show where it's Ludacris. It goes out and he performs like all of his features with all the other artists that have had him on their songs.

The Waste Management Phoenix Open should remain a drunken chaos event

This is what the Waste Management is and I always had the feeling that golfers begrudgingly said, like, we love it... don't try to change it. I want more. I want guys getting stronger, stealing golf clubs and shit.

I was right about Brittany Mahomes being attractive

I want to just all due respect, Patrick, you've won... your wife is hot. And I would say that his wife is very attractive. Good job. I got this one right.

The Chiefs defense is better than people realize and Steve Spagnuolo will put on a masterclass in the Super Bowl

I think the Chiefs defense is better than people realize. And I think Spags [Steve Spagnuolo] is going to put on a masterclass... Mahomes is Mahomes. And there's just so many things that I just keep going back to like the Chiefs. They've just been there, done that. They know how to win these games.

Kyle Shanahan might not be a 'clutch' coach

I was like, can a coach be clutch? You don't normally hear about coaches being clutch. Maybe Kyle Shanahan's just not clutch.

There will be no doinked field goals or extra points in Super Bowl 58

No fucking doinks. Oh no doinks. We're running it back. I got doinked big time last year and I just realized I'm talking about Moody and even his makes are close to being misses. And also last year it was Butker. But he's a good kicker. There's no chance he double doinks. No chance. So what I'm doing is I'm going to have my vengeance on the doink from last year. And I'm going to double my bet this year and go, no doinks.

No player who finished college at Alabama has ever scored a point in Super Bowl history

With the 49ers and Chiefs having no Alabama players on the active roster, a remarkable streak will continue. No player who finished college at Alabama has scored a point in the history of the Super Bowl. Players from 143 other colleges ranging from the Coast Guard (one point) to Miami (84) have scored in a Super Bowl.

A Christian McCaffrey touchdown is the surest bet in all of sports

I think the surest bet in all of sports is Christian McCaffrey touchdown. He just scores every time no matter what... in our offense, you can see that in the seven years that I've been here is when we get to the red zone, we're gonna run the ball and try to run the ball in. And then you throw Christian into it, and it's like, okay, well we're gonna design a play for Deebo to score. You could be the second read, George, you're gonna be here. And then fourth read one-on-one versus their Mike linebacker is gonna be Christian McCaffrey. Oh, that's an easy tolo it in there.

The key to defending Patrick Mahomes is keeping him in the pocket and hitting him all game

You have to be coordinated. You have to do your absolute best... everything in your power and energy, every fiber in your body to keep [Mahomes] in the pocket. If he keeps plays alive, that's where he is magical. He does all the crazy shit. Throws the left-handed and he just finds people. But if you keep 'em in the pocket, that's your best bet. And I'm not saying it's a hundred percent's gonna stop him, but that's your best chance... you have to hit him all game and make him uncomfortable.

Many quarterbacks in the NFL are 'bitches' who cry to the refs when hit

[Patrick Mahomes] is not a bitch. He's gonna keep coming back. He's gonna keep playing... [Big Cat: What quarterback is a bitch?] I won't name any names, but there's more than one. There's a lot of them that cry. Yeah. It is what it is.

Maxx Crosby will win Defensive Player of the Year next season

I will be putting a wager on Maxx Crosby to win Defensive Player of the Year next year. I think next year, Maxx, you're gonna win the title next year. I really do.