Takes

Justin Fields is currently a better quarterback than Trevor Lawrence

I think Justin Fields is better than Trevor Lawrence. It might be the worst take. I might look back on this in two years and be like, you've said a lot of dumb shit on this podcast before. This might be one of the dumber ones that I've said.

Kenny Pickett might be the 2023 NFL MVP

Kenny Pickett might be MVP. That's another one... Mike Tomlin said that Kenny Pickett needs to play more than a seasoned vet and he was very good.

Shark attacks are not real and people just overreact to minor injuries

I don't think shark attacks are real. I just don't think they're real. I think someone hits their leg on like a coral reef or something. I don't believe them. I do not think they're real. I think someone... you're a bad swimmer. You probably stubbed your toe and then overreacted.

Anthony Richardson's first preseason tape will decide his fate in my eyes

That tape is going to basically decide Anthony Richardson's fate in my eyes. If he throws one touchdown pass I'm in. Or one cool like stiff arm or long run. I'm all the way in.

DK Metcalf is wildly overrated as a wide receiver

DK Metcalf, he runs a straight line, but he's wildly overrated as wide receiver. ... He's not that good. I me and DK have a little thing, but I'm faster than him.

Crows are the dumbest animals in the world

My personal big takeaway was that crows are dumb as shit. ... I've been told my whole life that crows are the smartest bird in the world. And it's a miracle that they ever get out of bed in the morning without stabbing themselves in the butthole with their own beak. Because they're so stupid that they just hold onto the back of an eagle and die of not being able to breathe.

If the Orioles suspend their announcer for stating facts, they should also suspend the production truck and PR team

You're suspending the broadcaster for stating those facts. Where did he get those facts from? The truck. ... Where did the truck get those facts from? The team's pr game notes in that case. Suspend all of them. ... If you're gonna just suspend him, you gotta suspend everyone else involved with making that decision of making these facts come to light.

Expected goals is the biggest crock of shit stat in sports

I'm a big expected goals guy. You know the expected goals account that tweets out... how many goals you should have scored... that is maybe the biggest crock of shit stat in sports. It's like, well based on how you guys really played, you won two to nothing.

Philadelphia fans giving Trea Turner a standing ovation is strategic and genius

Philly being the big sports town that they are... rallied together and said instead of booing [Trea Turner], we're going to give him a standing ovation every time he gets to the plate... all of our boos are strategic... that's just like us being a very smart sports town and knowing that.

I could beat up Amanda Serrano in a boxing match

I said the one thing [Amanda Serrano] might have me on is cardio, but if I could... I'd keep her at bay with my jab. She would never get inside me.

Blow jobs are stressful and awkward

I find them to be—it's a lot of pressure. What am I supposed to say? I just feel like it's really a lot of pressure on me... then I just feel like I'm supposed to be making noises or something... if I had to sum up blow jobs in one word, I would say stressful.

The 2018 NFC Championship non-call was not pass interference

Was it pass interference? No, not, it wasn't. Was it called Pass interference? It was not. I've had a million pass interferences that weren't called. They can be mad. I every once in a while... I'll like, kind of, you know, just toss it out there.

Titty fucking is only fun to do once

I think guys, if you guys, the one person will agree with me... It is the man. We're doing it. Drum roll: titty fucking. It's simply fun [only] once. That is something that like you're in middle school, you dream about and then you do it and it's like, this isn't that fun. I've literally only done it once 'cause I was like, I don't need to do this shit.

The US Women's National Team are 'entitled babies'

No, you shouldn't be celebrating like that after you tie Portugal. Zero. Zero. You only won one game against Vietnam... So act listen, you haven't won shit yet. They're entitled, they're entitled babies.

Northwestern football should be given the death penalty

As a fan of Northwestern, I think they should be given the death penalty. True. I think that as Northwestern goes, we're more than a football team. We're, we're an institution that develops and builds young minds and teaches them to be ethical... death penalty to Northwestern.

Serena Williams did more for tennis than Tiger Woods did for golf

She did more than Tiger Woods did for golf.

I don't want to start a family because aliens will likely kill us all within five years

I like thinking that aliens are real because then it really is like there's no reason to do anything. 'cause like within five years, like the aliens are gonna just come up and fuck us off. ... Like starting a family. It's like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna have kids like aliens are gonna come and kill 'em all. Yeah. Like, I don't, like I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna keep doing my thing.

Travis Kelce is a pussy for fighting Jack Cochrane in training camp

Jack Cochrane's the dude who pissed off Travis Kelce. So shout out that guy for exposing Travis Kelce for being a pussy. ... That was getting into it. 'cause he got hit once just like a little bit after the play and he got pissed off.

Shohei Ohtani took the coward's way out by staying with the Angels

After the pressure of the trade deadline gets lifted, he decided to stay with the Angels. A team that has no expectations on it. That's interesting. He took the coward's way out. Is he afraid of the bright lights? If I was Shohei Ohtani, I would be demanding a trade to the New York Yankees or the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Bill Belichick's greatness is bull crap without Tom Brady

LeSean McCoy calls the idea of Bill Belichick's greatness bull crap. It's what I had to say.

Dak Prescott is playing like ass

And Dak [Prescott], the Dak one was more, he's playing like he's playing ass... I can't be making this up. Every time I see a Cowboy fan, I can be anywhere in the world. They be like, stop talking to my Cowboys. And the next question I'll say, what's the reason why y'all can't win a Championship? Do you know the first player they say? Dak Prescott. Ass.

Saquon Barkley is a scab for accepting a deal and undermining the running back market

Is Saquon Barkley a scab? It seems like he went back. He went to the Zoom call and he said, 'this sucks.' And then they were like, 'how about less than a three-bedroom house?' and he's like, 'sure.' And then Saquon Barkley unemphasized from the group chat. That's my price to turn my back on the entire position.

Joe Biden's dog Commander is just Major Biden with a different name

Joe Biden got a new German Shepherd. It has also bitten four people. There's no, that's Major Biden. I'm saying they didn't kick out Major. They just were like, 'yeah, we sent Major away. We got a new dog. Looks exactly like Major.' He just went on and just started biting everyone again.

Modern fans don't care about Marshall Faulk because he is overshadowed by better players

Marshall Faulk was not a—no one gives a fuck about Marshall Faulk. I'm sorry. Besides you guys. His name gets overshadowed by like, so much better players. If you throw a Christian McCaffrey in there, that's more of a spike for like modern fans.

Who even remembers Johnny Unitas anymore?

Does anyone remember Johnny Unitas? They do but like, not as a great... Who the fuck's Johnny Unitas?

Shohei Ohtani's viral bat flip against the Yankees was awkward and forced

I'll stand by this take. I didn't think it was a good flip. He looked awkward. It looked like an awkward bat flip. Everyone was freaking out about it. I thought he looked awkward. It didn't look natural. It looked like he forced that bat flip.

The city of Philadelphia will never win a championship in any sport ever again

My Cool Throne is the city of Philadelphia never winning anything ever. Joel Embiid, our prince... made comments the other day that he wants to win a Championship in Philadelphia or anywhere else... It seems like if he doesn't win this year in Philly, he's probably out.

LIV Golf players sold their souls and should be shunned by golf fans

I hope everybody in LIV dies in a fiery boat accident. I hate LIV, I hate the whole idea. But imagine you guys, if they took half the NFL and said, 'hey, half the teams are gonna move to Saudi Arabia, we're gonna pay 'em five times what they're worth'... That's what happened to my sport... Tiger didn't [take the money]. And so I love Tiger for that.

The Masters is the best major, but the American Century celebrity tournament is second

I'd go Masters still first. I'd go American Century second. I have Steph Curry this week to finish top 10... A good British Open is like tied second with a Ryder Cup for me. But I would say Masters first no matter what.

Travis Kelce 'runs soft' and doesn't run enough people over

I don't think he runs that... like he does get crazy yak, but I don't think he, like, he doesn't run anyone over... I just would like to see him do it... it comes up in the him versus Gronk debate.

Victor Wembanyama is a bust

Victor Wembanyama from France. The Frenchman not played in Summer League. Bust. Oh, okay. I like that take.

The Home Run Derby should replace the kids in the outfield with fat, drunk adults who we can laugh at for getting hit

I'd rather, if it weren't kids out there, why not just get a bunch of fat like college 20 to 30 year old kids, guys drunk as hell. Fat, like sloppy fat, just falling on their face, getting hit with balls, all that stuff. Cuz then we can laugh as a country, we can laugh at them.

Players caught using steroids should be able to win their freedom back by winning the Home Run Derby

I was thinking that they could incorporate a rule change where if a player gets busted for steroids, they could then elect compete in the home run Derby to win their freedom to win their way out. If they win the home run Derby, they get to come back for the rest of the year and they get to continue using steroids for the rest of the year.

Chief Aholic is a modern-day Robin Hood who we shouldn't be castigating

Chief Aholic is basically a modern day Robin Hood. Stole from the banks, gave to himself and we're, we're castigating him for it. We're throwing him in jail maybe for the rest of his life. It feels messed up.

Urban Meyer would be a great choice for the next Northwestern head coach

I think one thing we can all agree on though is a great choice for the next Northwestern head coach would be Urban Meyer. Ooh, yes. Let's get urban back in the conversation. Not afraid to get his hands dirty. The guy is a molder of young men and let's just get urban back into the Big 10.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest American of all time and saved the 4th of July

Joey Chestnut being the greatest American of all time and saving, literally saving the 4th of July for America. ... if we did a new Mount Rushmore of Greatest Americans of all time, it's Joey Chestnut [and no one] else.

You can eat for free at restaurants by pretending to be a waiter taking away leftovers

I think we could just eat for free if we just show up to really nice restaurants and we just go to like, people who are just finishing being like, can I take this for you? And then just walk out. ... I handed him my food. Like it was nobody's business being like, this guy will come back with a bag and Yeah. I, I think I found a way that if, if we ever fall on hard times, we can just live off of that.

Football players who don't play and then transfer are 'snitches' for reporting hazing

No dudes who don't play in transfer are the biggest snitches ever. ... Cuz they're, they're the only ones who's like, there's something wrong with this program. It's not wrong with me. It's the program that's wrong.

Tom Brady is a 'trophy husband' who needs a sugar mama like Kim Kardashian

Tom Brady is a stay-at-home dad. He needs to find another sugar mama to pay his bills because he always likes women who make more than him. That's just the facts. ... He's a trophy husband. ... Now he's looking for someone to take care of him.

The missing children in the D&D campaign deserve their fate for exploring dangerous caves.

The child needs a lesson. You shouldn't go explore caves plug.

The theory that Portland should treat Dame Lillard 'correctly' to attract future free agents is the dumbest theory in the world

The the theory that the Blazers should treat Dame correctly so that they could get future free agents is the dumbest theory in the world. They're not gonna get future free agents. They should get whatever they can get.

Joey Chestnut belongs on the Mount Rushmore of all-time athletes with Jordan, Tiger, and Secretariat

I'm being serious Joey like I know you're a humble guy and I appreciate that, but when I think of like the greatest athletes of all time, it's like Michael Jordan secretariat, tiger Woods, Joey Chestnut. I think that'd be my Rushmore right there.

The Nuclear Powered Aircraft Carrier is the ultimate piece of heavy machinery

Nuclear powered aircraft carrier... they can just go forever because they got a nuclear reactor on board... China doesn't have an actual [one]... It's why we're the GOAT.

I will officially declare Damian Lillard a 'turncoat with no loyalty' the moment he is traded

The only, the only comment I have is when [Lillard] does end up getting traded, I'm just gonna be like, what a turncoat. No loyalty. And just do that and just go, go on that angle. So I I'm I'm just out on the entire storyline as it stands.

Travis Kelce 'runs soft' and should try running someone over more often

I just think you could be a little more... you could end a couple of those, like run someone over. You could run a little more physical. He thinks you run soft... I think it's because you can, but you don't and that's what... can you just like run someone over like, like, you know, dude?

The Russian Wagner Group rebellion was a PSYOP intended to dupe Ukraine

It was a PSYOP for the market. There was a PSYOP. Okay, Putin's Gucci. He just did that whole thing to make Ukraine think they could take back Bakhmut and then they're gonna do a pincer move on him... They were able to move troops under the guise that they're doing a coup. And now Ukraine thought they were going to Moscow, but now they're just North [of Bakhmut].

The Grizzlies will be the toughest team in the league with Marcus Smart, Steven Adams, and Ja Morant

One thing I do know about the Grizzlies though is they're gonna have the top team not to be fucked with in terms of just beating the shit outta you. They got Marcus Smart, they got Steven Adams and they have Ja Morant who will shoot you on the same team.

Ja Morant flashes guns on Instagram Live as a safety precaution to deter potential threats.

I kind of get why he's flashing a gun on Instagram live. Because his location is revealed. He wants anyone watching his Instagram live to know that he's strapped. It's a safety thing.

The Green Bay Packers are in trouble because Jordan Love is a moron.

Jordan Love posted a video today... he said Happy Father's Day to all Bears fans out there. Jordan Love is a fucking moron. So Jordan love basically called Bears fans his dad. And it was like the first moment that I've had in a very long time where I was like, Ooh, I think things might be changing... The Packers are in trouble.

Anyone named Kyle is likely crazy and not to be messed with.

Anyone named Kyle. Don't fuck with them. Kyle's, Kyle's are fucking crazy. Kyle's got... the sickest sound system in his car. Your parents tell you not to hang out with Kyle's. You don't want to. Yeah, because he'll get you in trouble.