Takes

Sean Payton is officially back to his old tricks of using bizarre motivational videos

Sean Payton is officially a hundred percent back. All the headlines are gonna be about how he said that [Nathaniel] Hackett did the worst job of coaching in the history of the NFL... To me, that was not the best part of the story. He is up to his old tricks. Sean Payton basically is a film director. He has his assistant Paul Kelly queue up a nature documentary that showed baby iguanas under attack from running snakes immediately after they hatched... he wanted to hammer home a point to his players of you have to hit the ground running.

The Pac-12 is officially dead after Colorado's departure

Colorado's gonna be a Big 12 team. So Big 12 is basically torn apart. The Pac-12 rated it for all its parts. And I think this is like the Pac-12's done. They're done. I don't know who else is gonna go to the Big 12. Pac-12's done.

Within the next 10 years there will be one massive college conference for top teams

What basically we're heading for right now is there's going to be one big conference at some point. And so we're readjusting the deck chairs on the Titanic... the reality is, within the next 10 years, I bet there's gonna be one conference that has the top teams in it.

I am officially a Northwestern fan solely to spite Darren Rovell

I think I'm officially gonna be a Northwestern fan. That's gonna be my Big 10 school. But I just wanna be a Northwestern fan to be, to annoy Darren Rovell... I wanna be more of a Northwestern fan than Darren Rovell is. I'll support you. I will, I will a hundred percent root for you. I'll bet on you. I'll watch all your games. But just know that I'm also trying to piss off Darren Rovell as much as I can.

Shohei Ohtani took the coward's way out by staying with the Angels

After the pressure of the trade deadline gets lifted, he decided to stay with the Angels. A team that has no expectations on it. That's interesting. He took the coward's way out. Is he afraid of the bright lights? If I was Shohei Ohtani, I would be demanding a trade to the New York Yankees or the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Saquon Barkley and Josh Jacobs should have made their contract situations uncomfortable for the teams much earlier

Only thing I told [Josh Jacobs] was, I guess the issue I had was that they should have made a bigger chaos about it... you need to go, listen, ain't no friends, we ain't, there ain't no homies, the owner, you not my friend right now. I need to get my money. And it just started soon as season was over he should have made a big deal about it. Either I wanna be here, I wanna let the fans know I wanna be here, but they're not paying me no money and if they can't trade me, I wanna be traded. You gotta make it uncomfortable for these people.

Tom Brady is physically taller than Josh Allen

Tom [Brady], he's the tallest... [Number 2] is Josh [Allen], he's second tallest.

My footwork is the best of any running back I've ever trained with

I've trained with like a lot of great running backs, trained with a lot of average running backs. And I always would be confident that no matter who I'm training with... I knew my footwork would be better than everybody's. That was just like my thing. I pride myself on snow, sleet, whatever it is, rain, not slipping, being able to run on any surface.

Andy Reid is the best coach because he adapts to the new culture and players

Andy Reid is the best... I got him at when I was 20 years old and he was wearing the old Pony sneakers. When I got with the Chiefs in 2019, this guy had on Air Force Ones. He's adapting to the new culture. How can I be a great coach if I can't understand my players? Chip Kelly couldn't read the room... Andy Reid always said, 'Hey listen guys, I want y'all let your personality show every game.'

Bill Belichick's greatness is bull crap without Tom Brady

LeSean McCoy calls the idea of Bill Belichick's greatness bull crap. [Wait, that was the headline Big Cat read]... I'll tell you that story because [Andy Reid] is adapting to the new culture. This is why Belichick—well, other than Tom Brady being gone—but he can't understand people. He can't understand the players.

Dak Prescott is playing like ass

And Dak [Prescott], the Dak one was more, he's playing like he's playing ass... I can't be making this up. Every time I see a Cowboy fan, I can be anywhere in the world. They be like, stop talking to my Cowboys. And the next question I'll say, what's the reason why y'all can't win a Championship? Do you know the first player they say? Dak Prescott. Ass.

Tim Tebow was a bad pro quarterback

Tebow's bad, bad man. Like you gotta be a desperate team to get him. You really believe because Skip [Bayless] is... if you take Tebow, it's like you just a great guy or you just love Jesus Christ because other playing ain't the issue. He just, I don't know. He's not the good, he's not the best. I'm trying to be nice.

Julian Edelman is not a Hall of Famer

I don't think he's a Hall of Famer. I think he's a hell of a player though... Hall of Fame is like, you know, it's like the best of the best.

I am a Hall of Famer

I got 15,000 [all purpose] yards. I'm an all-decade running back. I got some Pro Bowls, got some All-Pros. You look at my work collectively... I got a rushing title to go along with that. I mean, I think, yeah, I think I'm a Hall of Fame guy. If I were to compare myself to them [already in], it's like, why not?

Jason Peters is the best player I ever played with

This dude named Jason Peters. He's an offensive lineman. Beast. Absolute monster... DeMarcus Ware would yell at me if I would go chip block for him. Shady, get your little west away from here. He would block one-on-one. So he's probably my best player I ever played with. I think the second I had to give it to either DeSean Jackson or Travis Kelce.

Showering in the morning is mandatory to feel accomplished

I don't understand for the life of me, anyone who doesn't shower in the morning. You gotta shower in the morning right before you go to work 'cause it makes you feel accomplished... I would feel like just dooo going to work without showering first.

Unsubscribing from spam emails is an S-tier easy task

Unsubscribing to spam emails. One of my favorite easy tasks. That just makes you feel awesome when you like have your entire email box... You feel like you conquered the world. Subset of this is when you find the email where they make the unsubscribe hidden and then when you find it, you're like, yes, got it! You fuckers tried to get me.

Bill Belichick is the best head coach in the NFL to lead a team right now

Bill Belichick [is the first pick]. I was taking it no matter what Hank said. I'm a neutral journalist, [picking] the best of the 32.

Sean McVay is a top-three coach who only struggled recently because the Rams went all in

If you told every team in the NFL, you can get Sean McVay your head coach next year. There's like, I think there's only two teams that wouldn't take him. He is that good. I feel like they're gonna be slept on this year just 'cause of how bad they were last year... they were going all in and trading all their future picks. And then we're like, why do the Rams suck now? Well, because they gave us no opportunity for a window of discussion.

John Harbaugh is a top-tier coach who would improve almost every team in the NFL immediately

John Harbaugh could step into any situation in the league except for maybe three and improve it. He's got a track record now... he's reinvented himself a couple times. And now he's really good at going with what his best players do best.

Sean Payton will turn the Broncos into contenders in the AFC this season

I'm taking Sean Payton. I think [the Broncos] were the laughing stock at the league last year. And now I think bringing him in, no one's really gonna talk about how bad they are. Instead they're gonna talk about, Ooh, him with Russell Wilson. They can be a contender in the AFC again.

Russell Wilson will win the NFL MVP award this season

Russell Wilson [will be] MVP or Comeback Player of the year. MVP.

The Jaguars are a sexy pick to win the AFC South and challenge the conference elite

Doug Peterson [is my pick]. I think he did a tremendous job in year one with the Jaguars. And I think they're gonna be a very sexy pick to maybe make some noise in the AFC. I think outside of the big three—the Bills, Chiefs, and Bengals—I think they're gonna be knocking out that door.

Mike McDaniel is the best up-and-coming coach in the league over Kyle Shanahan

Mike McDaniel's probably the best up and coming coach in the league. Like if you're in a futures franchise draft, Mike McDaniel's probably going first [over Kyle Shanahan].

Getting the Lions to the precipice of the playoffs is equivalent to an NFC Championship for any other team

I'll take Dan Campbell. I think that coaching the lions is, everything's on a curve. So if you get the lions on the precipice of, of the playoffs, that's essentially like the NFC Championship game.

Saquon Barkley is a scab for accepting a deal and undermining the running back market

Is Saquon Barkley a scab? It seems like he went back. He went to the Zoom call and he said, 'this sucks.' And then they were like, 'how about less than a three-bedroom house?' and he's like, 'sure.' And then Saquon Barkley unemphasized from the group chat. That's my price to turn my back on the entire position.

The massive Jalen Brown and Jayson Tatum contracts will look like great deals in five years

When [Jalen Brown] is making $68 million in four years, it still will be a lot of money. But if we have two or three rings, it's worth it. In five or 10 years, when Jalen Brown and Jayson Tatum are only 30, it's gonna look like two great deals because the cap is going up.

PGA Tour players should cheat because it takes 'huge balls' and is highly profitable

I kind of respect the move [of cheating]. If you're on the PGA Tour, just cheat. You can make a lot of money. I actually don't respect the move, it's kind of a shitty thing to do, but it takes some huge balls to try to do it.

Joe Biden's dog Commander is just Major Biden with a different name

Joe Biden got a new German Shepherd. It has also bitten four people. There's no, that's Major Biden. I'm saying they didn't kick out Major. They just were like, 'yeah, we sent Major away. We got a new dog. Looks exactly like Major.' He just went on and just started biting everyone again.

The USWNT's 3-0 victory over Vietnam was the worst three-goal victory I have ever seen

I watched the second half of the Vietnam game. That was bad. That was the worst three goal victory I've ever seen.

SEC football fans are more intimidating than English golf fans

They were saying short stuff, 'you're gonna choke', 'you don't have the stones for this', 'f you'. But I'm an SEC football fan. It's like, bro, y'all are killing me. There's nothing compared to Death Valley. Go to LSU on a Saturday night. You'll hear way worse.

Rory McIlroy is the most talented driver of the golf ball in history

I've always said [Rory McIlroy] is probably the, I mean, at least in our generation, He is the most talented driver of the golf ball that maybe he's ever lived. He's incredible. He really is.

Real Georgia fans are never cocky because they have too much scar tissue from past heartbreaks

I don't think any real Georgia fan feels [cocky]. I think there's enough scar tissue there where you're like, ah. They're like, when is the curtain gonna get ripped back? Like, when is the, when's your heart gonna get ripped out again?

Georgia will lose one game this season but still win the National Championship

Kirby [Smart] will have 'em ready to play, but there's no telling. My prediction is, I think they'll drop one, but they'll end up carrying the torch at the end of the year.

You do not want to mess with the United States Women's National Soccer Team

You do not want to fuck with the United States Women's National Soccer team. They're going for three straight women's world cups right now. And you don't wanna screw with them. They're dominant.

Jersey Shore is the most iconic reality TV show ever

If the debate is Jersey Shore versus Vanderpump Rules... Jersey Shore was like guys and girls liked Jersey Shore parties. There is no Vanderpump without Jersey Shore.

The Masters is the ultimate 'dad weekend' of all time

The Masters is the most dad weekend of all time.

Brian Harman is the Ben Simmons of golf

He's right-handed, but he plays left-handed. Love it. He's the Ben Simmons of golf.

I am a fan of Brian Harman because of how much he pissed off the entire country of England

I had no thoughts about Brian Harman. I ended up the tournament being like, I hate watching this guy because of the waggle. But the fact that he pissed off England so much made me a Brian Harman fan. It felt personal. It felt like a US versus England situation. I want him to be boring and short, all these things right in your fucking face.

I'm officially off the Rory McIlroy train

I'm off Rory officially. Okay. All right. Well it's, I'm officially off Rory now. It's gonna be 10 years going into the next season, right? Yeah. It's been 10 years. He'll never win a major Championship.

Rory McIlroy's focus on the FedEx Cup is 'loser talk'

[Rory] said, I don't think that way. I think about trying to go and win a fourth FedEx here in a couple weeks. Go try and win a fifth race to Dubai. Go and win a fifth rider cup. I just keep looking forward that my friends is loser talk. FedEx Cup means nothing.

Every golf course should have pot bunkers

I like the open just because the course, like every course should have the bunkers that that England has because when you hit in a bunker, it should be punitive. You should be fucked. You should be totally fucked. Yeah. And that's what happens in these I want pop bunkers in every golf course. Like that's it, it it, everything is harder. And I like that.

Naming a company 'MegaCorp' guarantees you will eventually try to destroy the Earth

If you name your company MegaCorp, at some point in the history of your company, you will try to destroy the earth.

The NFL franchise tag should be abolished entirely

There really shouldn't be a franchise tag in general. And I started to think about the franchise tag because it's something that's become so just natural to talk about and part of the game... But from a logical standpoint, there's really no reason why the franchise tag should even be a thing at all.

The NFL franchise tag should be a flat $50 million and not count against the cap

It's either there should be no franchise tag or they should make the franchise tag not punitive to the cap, but it ha you have to pay the person 50 million for any position... It's essentially like, we can't figure out a deal. We want you so bad. Here's so much money that you won't be upset about it.

Shame is the most powerful motivator

We should just shame quarterbacks into doing a GoFundMe for the running backs. Yeah. That's what shame is. The most powerful motivator.

MLS team names like Inter Miami and Real Salt Lake are stupid

I fucking hate MLS team names. Yeah. Inter Miami... I love the entire aesthetic of Inter Miami... but it's just the team names are stupid when it's like inter Miami Ray Salt Lake. FC Sporting kc. Yeah. Gimme a fucking break.

Lionel Messi is the greatest walker of all time

[Lionel Messi] is elite at walking. He's the greatest walker of all time. They did a whole study about it and he spends the first five minutes just walking around, basically figuring out the weaknesses, weak points in the defense. A lot of times he'll be walking while everyone else is running and his gravity, the way that the defense has to move around to him just walking, changes the whole scope of the game.

NFL teams should not be allowed to wear throwback uniforms from a city they moved away from

The Houston Oilers are back. The Tennessee Titans unveiled their throwback uniforms... if you move your team to a different city, you can take those colors. I get that. But you can never actually put on the Houston Oilers... uniform... You're neither Houston nor Oilers. And they're iconic. They're great... It sucks. It sucks.

Modern bunk bed technology with built-in staircases is incredible

My son has a bunk bed and I did not realize bunk bed technology has gotten insane. He has bunk beds with like a legit staircase on the side of it. I got jealous of something that my four-year-old has that I bought with my own money. It used to be a ladder where you were basically going to get hurt. Now they just fucking rock. There's bunk beds with slides, legitimate slides. I want one.