Takes

The Dallas Mavericks made the correct decision to tank while still mathematically alive

The Mavs were still alive to make the playing game... and they're like, fuck it. We'd rather keep our own pick... I know that people are mad about the Mavs move, but if you're trying to keep your pick winning that game and potentially having a Hail Mary... and then having to win those games to get swept, like I'm not, if I were a Mavs fan, I'd be fine with it.

Kyrie Irving is getting better at breaking up franchises in record time

Kyrie skipped his exit interview with the Mavericks. Kyrie decided he was done with the season. So Kyrie kind of just congrats to Kyrie. He's getting better at breaking up franchises in record time.

Jalen Brown's 'broken vase' hand injury is likely a cover-up for a frustration-based punch injury

Jalen Brown's injury's a little bit weird. He cut his hand picking up a broken vase. He's a baseball player, you know. I'm just programmed whenever I see hand injuries to think whatever they're saying is fake. Because it's always like baseball injuries... hand ones are always weird because it's like, that's also usually when people get frustrated, they like punch something and then they say, oh, like I cut my hand on a vase.

The 2023 NBA postseason is Chris Paul's championship to lose

I still think that it's Chris Paul's. This is his postseason to lose. If he doesn't get a championship, it's like, what are you doing Chris Paul? This is the one time that you have.

Winning the Presidents' Trophy in hockey is a curse that leads to first-round exits

The Presidents' Trophy in hockey I think is a bad thing though. I will say that. Like, that is something I'm worried about. Just, you know, as day one on the bandwagon, it's like, do you really want to be flaunting the Presidents' Trophy in everyone's face like Capitals' fans used to do and then they lose in the first round? That might be bad.

The upcoming Harry Potter TV show will suck

The movie sucks. The show's probably gonna suck too. That's my take.

Brooks Koepka is officially back as a top-tier golfer

Is Brooks officially back? Is he back? Yes. A hundred percent. It was good to talk to him Friday... he's healthy and if he's healthy he's rom strong. Brooks is strong too, man. Unequivocally Brooks Koepka back.

The chicken salad on wheat is the high-key veteran move at the Augusta media center

Chicken salad on wheat. Chicken salad on wheat is low-key, high-key the go-to. The vets know that. So go chicken salad on the Honey wheat... that's the one you want.

The 'Big Texas' cinnamon roll is a meal substitute that requires calling in sick the next day

The problem is with Big Texas, it is the closest treat that you can have that will like substitute for a meal and a pinch. But you basically have to call in sick the next day. If you're eating a Big Texas for dinner that night.

I will get a tattoo of the lottery ball machine if Hank passes me in total wins by the end of the next football season

If Hank, what did you agree to? If you don't get the lottery ball before the end of next football season, I will get a tattoo of the lottery ball machine. But if I pass you in total victories by the end of next football season, you will get a lottery ball machine [tattoo].

Brooks Koepka is officially back to his old major championship form

Brooks Koepka is back to his old form, silencing the haters of which there are many. He's just, he's healthy now... the fact that he went out there and he proved that he can do it to himself and he's now leading a major championship after 18 holes. That is like the big psychological hurdle he is gonna get over.

Golf fans who snitch on potential rules violations online are clout chasers who need to shut up

We as a society need to remind people that snitches get stitches because holy shit, we had two alleged cheating events. [The people] screen grabbing, getting videos like cheater, cheater, cheater... we as a society need to just tell these people to shut the fuck up. The people who are clipping stuff and putting it online, they're clout chasing and I don't like it.

Live 'walk-and-talk' interviews during the Masters are terrible and ruined Max Homa's round

Fuck the walk and talk interview that they made [Max Homa] do... it fucked Max Homa on the 14th hole. They make him... hand [him] a cellphone... in the middle of [his] putt. Max was walking him through the read on the putt before he hit it. No wonder he misread it because he's trying to do a fucking broadcast as he's playing in the Masters. This isn't the fucking Fortnite Open here, this is Augusta. You should not be doing a walk and talk.

Max Homa needs to start being mean to people so the media stops asking him for favors

This is part of [Max Homa] being a slut. He can't say no... we gotta harden him. He needs to know Max with his fist, not a ball with his fist. He needs to start hitting people... start hitting maybe a cameraman. I don't know. Just start hitting people out of anger. Be a guy that no one wants to go up and ask to do something... He needs to find his little mini-Ellen DeGeneres streak where he starts being mean to people.

MVP voters are like goldfish and Joel Embiid's 52-point game against the Celtics clinched the award

MVP voters are like goldfish. It's just the last thing they saw. So [Joel Embiid] had the 52 point game against the Celtics on Tuesday night... I feel like that performance in a game against the Celtics was like, alright, officially Embiid's the MVP.

The Mac Jones and Bill Belichick feud is a media-driven narrative that won't result in a trade

Mac Jones is my quarterback. And this is a media driven narrative to try and create division within the most successful NFL franchise of the past 25 years... They also aren't going to trade him. The only person who reported that was Mike Florio, who's one of the greatest fiction of the 21st century.

Mac Jones was the best game manager in his draft class, even better than Brock Purdy

I do think Mac Jones would be amazing in a Shanahan offense. I think he was the best game manager of his draft class. And like, better than Brock Purdy could be a game manager.

Patrick Mahomes would not perform well in Kyle Shanahan's highly structured offense

I don't actually think Mahomes would do that well in [Shanahan's offense]... I think it's too structured for Mahomes' play style. [The Chiefs] let him cook more often than not.

Russell Wilson would be terrible in Kyle Shanahan's offense because he's too short to throw over the middle

You know who wouldn't work in Kyle Shanahan's offense? Russ Wilson. Because he can't throw over the middle. He's too short. I think actually that would be the answer.

I can read defensive progressions at a higher level than half the starting quarterbacks in the NFL

How many NFL teams do you think you could start for now... I believe I can read that progression and deliver a ball that is gonna be completed [better than half the league]... It's the ability to read down the field progressions... I can honestly say that I believe I can read that at that progression and deliver a ball that is gonna be completed.

Lamar Jackson isn't worth $200 million guaranteed because offensive coordinators prefer passers

If we were to pull up [Lamar Jackson's] best game, you would probably be like, all right, do you really pay him 200 million? Guaranteed... a lot of offensive coordinators they want to throw the ball.

I officially hate t-shirt weather because I am not physically ready for it

My fire fest is, it happens every year... it's t-shirt weather again. And I'm not ready. I'm wearing spanks again. I'm back on the spanks. So this is a temporary, like a bandaid over a gaping, gaping wound... I gotta figure out how to lose like 40 pounds.

UConn is officially basketball royalty and a blue blood

The Connecticut Huskies are officially basketball royalty. Officially they have hemophilia. Five [titles] in 24 years is insane. They are basketball royalty. Five in 24 years is insane... The only other team to do [titles in four consecutive decades], North Carolina.

Villanova should be kicked out of the Blue Bloods to make room for UConn

Welcome to the Blue Blood Club. I think they kick Villanova out, right? And then they move [UConn in].

Dan Hurley is the arrival of the next great era of basketball coaching

Dan Hurley has arrived officially as a coach of the national title. He feels like he's the next era, which I love because Dan Hurley is like a throwback to the next era. He's got that scowl, he's got that anger.

UConn didn't play anyone notable during their 2023 championship run

I think they have to face someone better than a three seed. They didn't play anybody the whole tournament. They didn't play the Alabama. Nova beat real teams.

UConn's 2023 tournament run makes them the greatest national champion of all time

I'd say that they [UConn] are the greatest champion of all time. Because they're playing this tournament, I mean, it was just dominant. It was dominant.

The 2023 NCAA tournament deserves an 'A' grade despite the lack of traditional blue bloods in the Final Four

I like this tournament delivered. It always delivers. It's the fucking March Madness. I love this tournament so much... I'm giving this tournament maybe it wasn't an A-plus, but I actually don't think any tournament could be less than an A. So I'm giving it an A.

Jill Biden's White House invitation to Iowa is a classless move

Jill Biden invited LSU and Iowa to the White House. That's fucking bullshit. You cannot do that. Iowa lost. You know what that is? Classless move. Learn how fucking sports work. You point to your finger when you win a ring, you do the John Cena and then you get invited to the White House and the team they lost doesn't. That's how sports work.

Vince McMahon is leaning into his 'creepy old man' persona with his new mustache

The man is a showman. And if you're gonna be accused of being a pervert left and right, and all these people come out and say all these weird things about you. Of course Vince McMahon is gonna lean into that costume and grow a tiny little mustache. If you give a creepy old man $9 billion, he's gonna become a super creepy old man with a child molester mustache.

Rain early in the week at the Masters makes the course susceptible to low scores and birdies

If it rains early in the week, that means that the course is ready to get fucked. [Low scores are coming].

Expected rain at the Masters will lead to low scores and lots of birdies

I saw a lot of rain next week, so you guys might have a tough week there. I think it'll be soft, so might be a lot of birdies. Big hole. I think 13 always plays, they changed it a little bit this year, but that one always seems to be really important... I think there might be [low scores].

I am going to win the Masters this week and be wearing a green jacket by Sunday night

I'm gonna be wearing a green jacket and smiling ear to ear. You'll have whatever y'all need. I mean, that's easy.

Scotty Scheffler's best golf is currently the best in the world

If Scotty Scheffler is playing his best golf, it's the best in the world. And that is definitely not something I would've said six months ago. I think six months ago would've been Rory or would've been John Rahm. But to me right now with the way Scotty Scheffler is able to get the ball in the hole and then around the greens, I think his best is the best in professional golf.

LIV golfers will be at a disadvantage at the Masters due to lack of reps

Considering how little amount of golf they've played in a professional environment... tournament golf is like going to the gym. I mean you're not gonna be way more sore if you take breaks weeks off going to the gym and your mind isn't gonna be as sharp for tournament golf if you're not playing as much as like Rory and Scotty and Max. If a LIV player does win, I will take it as more impressive than maybe anything else because they just haven't gone through the reps.

Max Homa will be in the top five or top 10 going into Sunday at the Masters

I would be shocked if [Max Homa] wasn't, you know, top five, top 10 headed into Sunday. I feel like it's a max week. I would be shocked if he wasn't top five, top 10 headed into Sunday.

Tiger Woods could realistically be in the Top 5 going into Sunday

The fact that he played [Riviera] this year... playing competitive golf, having a couple of great days I think was huge for Tiger's mental approach. I feel like we will see better from Tiger this year. I would be non-shocked if he was in the top five going into Sunday. I would be non-shocked if he was in the top five.

Jason Day is a sleeper to watch for a top finish at the Masters

I'll go Jason Day. Jason Day has been trending and his game plays so well at Augusta. Exceptional putter, great pitcher of the golf ball and has kind of gained some distance this year. I would say Jason Day is the name that I'm looking at [to win a second major].

I am committed to betting on Will Zalatoris for every single major until he finally wins one

I have pledged it. I will bet on him every single major until he wins one. Wills Zalatoris. I'm just pot committed at this point. I'm just gonna keep doing it... until he wins a major.

Every sports player should be allowed to fight one fan per year

I have the rule that they should enact in all sports. That every player gets to fight one fan once a year. Because that solves that. [Anthony Rendon] gets to fight that guy who called him a pussy, beat his ass. He called him a bitch, beat his ass. And then no one's gonna fuck with the rest of the [players] because he'll be like, wow, Anthony Rendon beat the fuck out him.

Best action movies are essentially porn but with fighting instead of sex

In college I would do man movie Fridays and we would watch the worst action movie you can watch. Bloodsport, Under Siege, Cobra. It's basically like watching porn, but instead of fucking, they just beat the fuck out of each other because the dialogue's that bad. Best of the Best 2, maybe my favorite movie ever.

Brandon Staley was supposed to turn the Chargers into a championship team

I thought Brandon Staley was gonna turn this whole Chargers thing around. I was like, this guy knows Ball. This guy has, it's a new C word team. Forget your father's Chargers.

UConn is a wagon, but my 'minus sign' luck might be the kiss of death for them

Yukon is a wagon and that might be the kiss of death cuz I'm the minus sign of King and I'm about to lay a brick. I'm about to lay a brick on Yukon and it's given me vibes of how sure I was that there were gonna be no DOKs.

Playing basketball in a football stadium is a knock against the atmosphere

It's a knock against the whole idea of playing basketball in a football stadium... it doesn't have, the arena doesn't rock as much, you know, it's not as loud.

San Diego State players struggle with free throws because they are too muscular from living on the beach

My theory on San Diego State... They're both too jacked up. Yeah, because they live on the beach in San Diego. So they're like, I gotta have guns swell when I go outside all the time. They're too strong and they don't have any touch on their fellow shots.

UConn will be officially crowned a 'Blue Blood' if they win the 2023 championship

We're officially crowning Yukon of Blue Blood if they win this championship. Right. Okay. Yes. I think I I don't know how you can argue otherwise they'd have five, they'd have five championships in the last 24 years.

Wedgies are more embarrassing than air balls

[Clinton Hawkins] said that wedgies are more embarrassing than air, than air balls.

The air ball is the worst thing you can do on a basketball court, worse than a wedgie

Until that happens [a wedgie chant], I think the air ball is the worst thing you can do.

Stay classy is a phrase for losers in 2023

If you say stay classy in the year 2023, you've lost, go back to 2009.

The 'class' debate in women's basketball is actually good for the sport

I actually think this is a win though for women's basketball because seeing all these people upset online, that's just fans upset that their team lost. And if they're upset, their team lost, they cared enough. And that's good for women's basketball because at the end of the day, it's kind of like... how this game works. If you are a sports fan, you are psycho.