Takes

Aaron Rodgers will play in the NFL in 2023 for $50 million despite his 'darkness retreat'

I can save you. You don't have to have your brain exert the chemical that's reserved for you when you die to pacify you... to know that Yes, you do want to play football for one more year for 50 million.

The Hall of Fame should give me a speaking slot before Tom Brady so I don't have to follow him

I don't want the last speech. Oh, have no interest in the last speech. Okay. So see, I can, like, I can just fluff it up for Tom and let him hit it out of the park. I can give him all like the, the praise and everything and then just let him maybe say like a quick sentence about me before he gets into Yeah. Thanking everybody.

JJ Watt is a significantly better football player than he is a person

A lot of people will say like, JJ Watt great player, all-time player, even better person. That's bullshit. You're a way better football player than you are a person and you're a pretty good person.

I'm the greatest defender ever for a single season or game

For one single game? Or are you talking about for one single season that which player would you want? Because that's different. I mean, I'm, I'm never gonna argue for the longevity of my career... But for one season or one game, I, I'll, I'll put myself in that argument.

The Commanders' home field at FedEx Field is responsible for player injuries and is cursed

I'd like to get off that field. Everybody's been hurt on that field. Yeah. Oh. I mean, and just like as a guy who's played in every, every stadium... That place could use upgrade.

Trent Williams is the best at using a defender's momentum and 'vet savvy' against them

One of the guys that does that [using tricks] very well, as Trent Williams. Trent does, he has some tricks and, and things to his game that are just very, very smart, very vet savvy... [he'll] just knock your hands down and you'll fall flat on your face.

T.J. Watt will be a better player than me if he stays healthy

If he stays healthy and, and I, I hope he stays healthy and I hope he does. He'll break every record I got and he'll absolutely be a better player than me. There's no doubt for a single season, for a single, like being able to do everything. I I I won't give up that title.

Luke Fickell is building a monster at the University of Wisconsin

Luke Fickell building a monster. Looking forward to that. ... We have more quarterbacks in the room now than we've had our entire history ever. I don't understand. I have no clue what's going on.

Kirk Cousins' Pro Bowl victory proves he can win big games

Kirk Cousins leads NFC to a comeback. So there you go. All the haters that say Kirk Cousins can't win a big game. He just won the Pro Bowl Flag Football challenge.

Kyrie Irving to the Mavericks is a good move because there's only half a season for his 'team cancer' to spread

I think it's a good move for the Mavericks because he only has half a season for his team cancer to spread. So this is like a good window for Kyrie... it's hard to destroy a brand new team in like four months.

The Kyrie Irving trade raises the Mavericks' ceiling but makes their floor 'lava'

This trade to the Mavericks raises their ceiling but makes the floor lava. And that's perfect... In a world where this all works out, you now added like... a walking bucket.

The Mavericks will win their first-round series but then Kyrie Irving will eventually cause the team to flame out

I think the Mavs will probably, like, they'll torch some team in the first round and everyone will say, look at this, this is real. And then either Kyrie [Irving] will get hurt or decide not to show up or something will happen and they won't win a title... there's just no way that this is gonna end [well].

I might bet on the Mavericks to win the NBA championship this year following the Kyrie trade

I might put some money down on the Mavs winning the championship this year. Cause what if? Yeah, that'd be, can you imagine that... the Dallas Mavericks are world champions.

Kevin Durant misses and appreciates Steph Curry more after playing with Kyrie Irving and Ben Simmons

I actually think the internet might have bullied [Kevin Durant] a little too hard with the legacy talk... playing with James Harden, Ben Simmons and Kyrie [Irving] I would say makes you appreciate Steph Curry a lot more... He probably writes out text messages to Steph at like two in the morning and then deletes them being like, 'I miss you. I'm sorry... I should have been okay with [it being your team]'.

Adding Kevin Durant to the Phoenix Suns would make them a major threat to win the Western Conference

The Phoenix Suns are prepared to pursue Brooklyn Nets star Kevin Durant... that scares me a little bit because I do think that the Suns with Kevin Durant would probably become a significant threat... the West is crazy. The West has every team could win it right now.

The Eagles will win Super Bowl LVII

I mean regardless... I mean you guys [Eagles] are gonna win.

Duke is officially back after snapping their losing streak against North Carolina

Who's back is Duke? They snap their losing streak. Their two game losing streaks [against] North Carolina over the weekend... they're one and oh in the post coach K era against North Carolina.

Tom Brady and Joe Montana are tied as the greatest quarterbacks of all time

I do [think Brady is the greatest]. It's one on one A... but if the ultimate yardstick is winning... he played in 21 years... he played in half the Super Bowls. He won a third of them, seven out of 21... I'm not saying he won with, he still had great coaching... but [Brady and Montana] are the best.

The Buffalo Bills lost to the Bengals because they were emotionally and physically drained by the Damar Hamlin situation and multiple snowstorms

I wondered, and I'm close with them, but they're human beings with Damar Hamlin... you had that for three weeks. Maybe not sleeping at night worrying about him. You had two, six-foot snowfalls where you're going to Detroit... I wondered how much gas did they use up to get to this point? Is that the reason they lost to the Bengals? The Bengals were better, but they're human beings... It's a slow leak in the tire.

The Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers will eventually meet in a Super Bowl

I found the football [from 1992]... it didn't happen. But I saved that one... I un-saved seven of them, but saved that one. I was ready to bring it on set... and alas, alas, it'll wait another year. [Bills versus Niners].

The Buffalo Bills will reach at least one Super Bowl during the Josh Allen window

I think they'll be in one, at least one. Cause [Josh Allen] is really good. And he was hurt... but they're the best three [Mahomes, Burrow, Allen]. I'm very confident that they'll [get in].

Andy Reid will coach the Chiefs for at least five more years

I would think... Will Mahomes play more than five more years? Yes. Let's hope so. I'd be surprised if, if [Andy Reid] is not driven by... where am I going? If I have [Mahomes] and I have this set up.

The Chiefs will beat the Eagles 29-26 in Super Bowl LVII

I'm gonna pick the Chiefs... Could it be 31 27? Yes it could. About 29, 26 having a schwam. Yeah, that's a schwam score... I'm gonna give you guys the nod with the score.

Tom Brady is the GOAT of retirements

It's back-to-back retirements, two consecutive retirements for Tom Brady. He's the GOAT at that too. Not a dynasty, but a nice little run.

There is a 25% chance Tom Brady comes back from retirement

I listen, Tom Brady. Thanks. It does feel like he's officially retired this time. Would we say, you said 25% chance he comes back. I still think he can come back.

No one will ever win seven Super Bowls again

He is the greatest quarterback of all time. I know that there's now debates going around... Tom Brady was seven and three. I don't think anyone will ever win seven Super Bowls again.

Greg Olsen might fend off Tom Brady for the top Fox broadcasting job

I also think that there's a decent chance that Greg Olsen fends Tom Brady off somehow because he's that good and he's a proven commodity now. And you can still, you can think, yeah, it's Tom Brady and he'll probably approach it with the same dedication he approached football with... but I think that there's a chance that they work something out behind the scenes because they like Greg Olsen.

Madison Square Garden, Philly, and Capital One Arena are the three best shooters' gyms in the NBA

Personally I think it's the Garden. I think it's Philly. And then as a Wizard, I think it's the Great Capital One Arena. Great spot to watch a game.

Tom Brady has more playoff wins than most NFL franchises; he has more than the Browns, Jets, and Saints combined.

Tom Brady has 35 [playoff wins], which is pretty fucking insane. He has more playoff games than 13 teams total. He has more playoff wins than the Browns, Jets and Saints combined as franchises.

Tom Brady’s career was the direct result of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

He's the walking embodiment of the butterfly effect... Gabriel Prince [Gavrilo Princip] got assassinated or assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand... It immediately led to Tom Brady's career in the NFL. Started all of it.

Tom Brady will have a weird retirement filled with plastic surgery

He's going to have a very weird retirement. He's going to be plastic surgery dating like random chicks all the time. The TV 12... he's going to do some weird shit. There's nobody that's ever had just a touch of plastic surgery.

Everyone at the Cowboys is about to get fired because Jerry Jones is talking about 20-year timelines

I don't know what the Cowboys, it feels like everyone's about to get fired because why else would you talk like this? Jerry Jones... said he wants Mike McCarthy to coach the Cowboys as long as Tom Landry... Steven Jones today said he wants Dak to be their quarterback for the next 10 years.

I am betting $8,500 on the Eagles to be a good friend to Big Cat

I've decided, I'm going... I need to be a good friend. Would a good friend root against his buddy to lose $200,000? No... So I've decided... I'll put 8,500 on the Eagles.

Gonzaga will eventually win a national title

Is Gonzaga ever going to win a national title? Yes. Yes. But soon? That's a different question... I think we're gonna win one.

Kirk Cousins is just like Dak Prescott; he has a ceiling and is never going to lead a team to a Super Bowl win.

I gotta say the guy [Cousins] played pretty well... The problem is he's like Dak, he's got a cap and he's not, he's never going to take you all the way... He's gonna do something stupid in the end... He's gonna check down.

Patrick Mahomes will have the career numbers, but Joe Burrow might be the one winning more Super Bowl titles.

Maybe it's like one of those things where... Mahomes will put up the numbers and Burrow might win the titles.

Aaron Rodgers had his worst year ever and the Packers didn't even deserve to make the playoffs.

I was hoping they [the Packers] weren't gonna make the playoffs just cause I didn't think they deserved to be there. They, he [Aaron Rodgers] had a, his worst year I've seen him play.

Punxsutawney Phil is a fraud and a 'wannabe Greta Thunberg'

My big fire fest is really for America... because you guys are letting a groundhog ruin your day today. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow... be a fucking man... I'm going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me the sky is falling.

I am having a third child and I purposefully conceived to ensure it wouldn't be born during football season

I'm having another child, so congrats. Father three loading... early June... Are you purposely conceiving for the off-season? I mean, yeah... it's nice not having children during football season. I am a football guy.

I still believe Carson Wentz has good football left in him and I would take him on the Vikings right now.

I still believe in Carson... You don't jump ship on somebody that quickly... I still believe that he's got some good football in him. I'll take him on the Vikings, man. I would trade [Kirk Cousins] for him.

Steph Curry is an underrated defender because he has great hands and gets a lot of steals.

I would say [Steph Curry's] defense is underrated... You see his stature and his height and you kind of think you can go at him, but he does a really good job. He's got great hands and gets a ton of steals.

I am going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts all next week in the cold just to prove that Punxsutawney Phil isn't the boss of me.

Be a fucking man. I'm gonna put on shorts right in that little rat fuck's [Punxsutawney Phil] face. I'm gonna wear shorts next, all next week... just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me, 'oh, the sky is falling,' that I'm a man and I can make my own decisions.

I'm going to beat Billy McFarland in a fight, and it's going to be a public execution.

I'm gonna beat his ass. Gonna skull fuck him. It's gonna be sick. This is gonna be a public execution. He's gonna be a Christian in the Colosseum and he's gonna get fed to the lion.

I would beat the fuck out of Darren Rovell in a fight, make him cry, and force him to delete his Twitter.

I wanted to wipe [Darren Rovell] off the internet. He'd have to delete his Twitter if I beat him. I would beat the fuck out of Darren Rovell. I would smash his nose in. I would make him cry.

Sean Payton is the perfect coach to fix Russell Wilson

Sean Payton's worth more than the 29th pick when [Russell Wilson] has been so bad and you've invested in Russell Wilson. You gotta figure out a way to fix him. Who better to fix a short quarterback whose arm might be losing a little bit of the steam? He's the perfect guy.

Sean Payton will be a decent coach in Denver but won't win a Super Bowl with Russell Wilson

The vibe that I'm getting is that he's gonna come back. He's gonna be a decent head coach... I think he knows how to run a team. So it's gonna be a completely different look for the Broncos... but I don't see him like winning Super Bowls in Denver. At least not with Russell Wilson.

The Kelce brothers facing off in the Super Bowl is genuinely wild and not overstated

The Kelce Brothers, it's gonna be talked about nonstop... it's actually very crazy. It's really cool that they are the first two brothers to face off in a Super Bowl and they're both really fucking good. I actually think it's wild.

Patrick Mahomes will eventually catch Tom Brady in Super Bowl losses

People keep talking about Patrick Mahomes is gonna catch up to Brady. Right? That's the storyline. Well in my eyes he's going—the only thing that he's going to catch up to Brady on is Super Bowl losses. He would lose this one and would still need to lose another one. But if he did, then he would catch up to Tom Brady in losses.

The 76ers 'Process' worked; they just drafted the wrong players

I don't know. It kind of worked. They got the guys, they just picked the wrong guys. Picked Markelle Fultz and Ben Simmons and Nerlens Noel. The actual [Process]—and Embiid. Of course. But I'm saying the process, I always am a fan of the process because I always thought the brutal honesty of a team being like, we are trying to suck so that one day we can get good. I actually am a big fan.

Tanking in professional sports objectively works.

Tanking works. It objectively works. If the Redskins had lost that Dolphins team, yeah. I would have Joe Burrow right now. That's just a fact.