Takes

Eric Bieniemy must be the world's worst interviewer since he keeps getting passed over for head coaching jobs

At this point, I don't know what to think about Eric, but he must be the world's worst interviewer of all time. I, I don't know what's, what's been happening with him... there's gotta be some reason why he's been through this every single off season and he's never gotten the gig.

Eric Bieniemy might be bombing head coaching interviews on purpose to stay with the Chiefs

I think he's bombing him on purpose. I really do. Because I think that being the offensive coordinator of the Kansas City Chiefs is better than being the head coach of like 20 franchises. So he's like, yeah, I'll just go through the motions bomb this interview, and then I'll get to go be the offensive coordinator of Patrick Mahomes and, and keep piling up Super Bowl wings rings.

Aaron Rodgers will come out of his darkness retreat and realize it's cool to just keep making $40 million to play for the Packers

Aaron Rods is doing his annual, I left the last game of the Packers saying, I don't know what's in the future. I'm gonna go into a four day silent hut and, and do drugs... congratulations Aaron Rods in advance for coming out of his retreat and realizing that Yeah. It's pretty cool to make 40 million a year to be the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.

Valentine's Day is officially cancelled due to latent psychological desires regarding chocolate with nuts

[Welsing] also floats a theory about white men who give their mothers boxes of chocolates on Valentine's Day because of a latent desire to ingest chocolate with nuts. So Valentine's Day is canceled.

The unidentified aerial objects being shot down are just balloons without propulsion systems, not extraterrestrials

It's not UFOs. They're not UFOs... balloons don't have propulsion systems. Right. You would be aware of this, right? PFT? ... When everyone's going nuts on Twitter because they saw they have to report the object, so they're like, we don't know if this thing has a propulsion system. So that made it sound like it was something extraterrestrial. But really just balloons don't have propulsion systems.

It is insulting that the USBC makes Pete Weber apply for an exemption to play in the US Open of bowling

It's actually, it's, it's insulting that they would make Pete Weber apply to be in the US open to bowling every year. ... If next year I fill out the application for Pete, would he be eligible to be entered? Because we feel like maybe he's being left out for some type of axe to grind.

I hope the Bears get a stadium with a dome

It is very difficult to adjust to it [the cold], especially with the wind. ... I hope we just get a dome. I don't, I don't care if we're at Soldier Field, I don't care if we're in Arlington Heights. I, I I hope we get a dome on those.

Aaron Rodgers is a person I really look up to and admire for how he carries himself

I really look up to him as a quarterback, him as a person, how he carries himself. So, you know, of course there's a lot of rumors like how he treats his teammates and stuff like that. But me getting to talk to Luke [Getsy] who was in Green Bay for a period of time and kind of knowing how he was, you know, behind closed doors and stuff like that, just wanted to talk to him and, you know, kind of get his take on, you know, some things.

I will be a Chicago Bear for life

I'm a bear for life. Bear for life. Okay. There we go. Bear for life.

I want the Bears to draft Jackson Smith-Njigba

I'm going with my man, Jackson Smith-Njigba. You know, I've seen, I've seen him in action, I've seen how he can separate himself like that and you know, his just body control is, is crazy. ... One guy that I would love to have is Jackson Smith-Njigba.

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

A man who wears a bathing suit in a jetted bathtub is doing so to prevent himself from trying to fuck the jets

He definitely fucked the jets once and then realized he could never do it again. So he just wears the suit to make sure he doesn't do it. ... He's scared of himself. He definitely fucked the jets once and then realized he could never do it again. So he just wears the suit to make sure he doesn't do it.

The Chiefs were the better team in Super Bowl 57 and Patrick Mahomes is definitively the best player in the NFL

The chiefs were the better team. They were. And Patrick Mahomes and that offense and that offensive line and what Andy Reid did in the second half, they scored on every single possession... [Mahomes] is the guy. He has two Super Bowl wins in five years. He is 27 years old. He's fucking insane.

Patrick Mahomes is officially a 'tough motherfucker'

Patrick Mahomes two mvp, two Super Bowl MVPs... we can also add tough motherfucker to us. I think he's officially, he's a tough motherfucker now, right? He is the quintessential gamer.

The Eagles' defense let the team down in Super Bowl 57 much more than the officiating did

Your defense gave up 31 points and your defensive line got no sacks. Jalen Hurts played his fucking ass off, outside of the fumble that was obviously very costly... The Eagles defense is what let them down. It was Patrick Mahomes being Patrick Mahomes and being the best player in the NFL.

The grass was the LVP of Super Bowl 57

I would like to award the very first ever part of my take L v P... The l v P of Super Bowl 57 was the field. Yeah. Was the grass so bad? They put in new grass two weeks ago... Tahoma 31 Grass. And it was mid, that grass was mid, it was bad.

The field in Glendale was the worst grass in Super Bowl history

Worst grass I've ever seen. Worst grass in Super Bowl history. Everyone was slipping the entire game. All the players changed shit at halftime... it was Tahoma 31 Grass... and it was mid, that grass was mid, it was bad.

The Eagles' 2017 Super Bowl win is like a delicious bag of heroin that Philly will never taste again

In some ways it makes the Super Bowl that we won five years ago, just a fucking delicious bag of heroin that we tasted once that we'll never be able to taste again. That we're just chasing after in this, this hellish like riddle that we're just living in.

I would beat the fuck out of Hank and it would do huge numbers

The thing about me is I would beat the fuck outta Hank. And it would do numbers too. Nueys too. I would beat the fuck out of this guy.

Patrick Mahomes has a shot at being the best quarterback of all time

He's got two Super Bowls. Yeah. In five years... He's got a shot [at being the best quarterback of all time].

Jalen Hurts is definitively a franchise quarterback and no one can say anything bad about him

Jalen Hertz did look really good. Jalen Hertz was phenomenal. That's, that's one thing that you can walk away is being like, no one can say anything bad about Jalen Hertz anymore.

The Sixers will lose to the Celtics in the playoffs this year

We're gonna lose to the Celtics in the playoffs this year and it's going to be like the most devastating thing of all time.

This Super Bowl loss will shape who I am as a person and how I see the world

This is a kind of loss that starts to shape who you are as a person and like how you see the world and how you feel about yourself... there's no touching the fucking depths of that emotion. It's so shitty.

Jason Kelce is definitely retiring

Jason Kelce is definitely retiring. That was his last... I love Jason Kelce. I'm gonna miss him so much.

Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes are the best coach and quarterback of all time

Best coach of all time. Best quarterback of all time, man. Salute to those guys. Facts.

The NFL is going to outlaw the Jalen Hurts QB sneak (tush push) next year

You know what's, what's wild is I'm pretty sure the NFL is gonna outlaw that play next year... because who really writes the rule book? It's Jerry Jones.

Chad Henney is the Peyton Manning of backup quarterbacks, retiring on top after a Super Bowl win

Chad Henney retired. It's Peyton Manning. Yeah. Walking away at the end. Chad Henney walking away. His final win being a Super Bowl. That's beautiful.

The Chiefs are not a dynasty yet but they are 'dynasty loading'

They are now officially, they're not a dynasty yet. I think you need three to become a dynasty. They're on watch, but they have dynasty loading. Because the way they have been in every like, part, part of a dynasty... they're going to be there at the end of January.

Terry Bradshaw should retire from sports media

I think it might be time for Terry Bradshaw to hang it up. He, he, he looked a little lost on the stage and he also said, Hey big guy to Andy Reid, why don't you waddle on over here? Yeah. To get the Lombardi.

I'm going to wish Orlando Brown Jr. into existence as a member of the Chicago Bears

Orlando Brown Jr. tweeted me a picture from the bus... holding Lombardi with a beer... I just replied saying, can't wait to root for you in Chicago next year.

Megan Fox followed Eminem on Instagram specifically to spite Machine Gun Kelly

Megan Fox is back. Her and Machine Gun Kelly broke up and she unfollowed everybody on Instagram except for three people... Eminem... I feel like she just followed Eminem just to fuck with Machine Gun Kelly.

The Phoenix Suns have already clinched the 2023 NBA Championship thanks to Kevin Durant

I think we'd be remiss though if we didn't start out the show by congratulating Chris Paul and the Phoenix Suns for winning the 2023 NBA Championship. Congratulations. Yes. Yes. It's his year... I feel like this has gotta be his year. There's no way that they lose.

The Phoenix Suns' lacks the depth and health to win the 2023 NBA Championship

Wait, so the suns are really good right now. They traded away some really good players. So their bench players are, you know, their bench is not great and they're gonna rely on a 35 year old guy who's been injured a lot since his Achilles and Chris Paul in the playoffs. I don't see where this goes wrong. [Sarcastic]

The 2023 Brooklyn Nets are the biggest bust of any 'dream team' ever

I, I would like to congratulate The Nets though. On, on assembling the biggest bust of any dream team ever. Yeah. I think this, you know, cool Throne twice that, that Eagles team where Vince Young came out and said, we're the dream team right now. That's usually the kiss of death. The, the Nets have now done it twice and somehow they managed to surpass their last big blowup.

The Philadelphia Eagles will win Super Bowl 57 by six points

I got birds by six.

It's terrifying that Patrick Mahomes is an underdog in Super Bowl 57

Is there a world in five years time where we're sitting at a bar and we're saying the sentence, 'Remember when Patrick Mahomes was an underdog to Jalen Hertz in the Super Bowl? That was fucking stupid.'... It's not a debate. It's a fact [that he is the best QB]. And that is what scares me the most about Sunday.

The Kansas City Chiefs will beat the Philadelphia Eagles 32-26

I wanna pick the Chiefs... 32-26.

There will be zero 'doinks' (hitting the uprights) on any field goal or extra point in the Super Bowl

No doinks, I'm taking no doinks. The field goal on an [upright] and extra point. If there's a doink, it pays out... I'm no doinks so I'm loading up and I think it's minus five 40... it's a terrible bet but I love it.

Total players to attempt a pass in the Super Bowl will be over 2.5

Total players to attempt a pass over two and a half plus one 30. Yeah. And you have the added bonus this year of both quarterbacks being a little dinged up. So that, I mean there's gotta be a trick play.

A player will record an 'Octopus' (scoring a TD and the following 2-point conversion) in the Super Bowl

I also like this one... there to be an octopus. Yes. Plus 1150. I'm going, yes. An octopus is a player scoring a touchdown and then scoring the next play, two point conversion.

The first points of the Super Bowl will be a touchback on the opening kickoff

I crunched the numbers. There's not, there's not too much juice either way. I'm probably gonna go for it to be a touchback again, but... it's minus 1 37.

The Washington Commanders deserve partial credit for the Eagles making the Super Bowl

I feel like after that game [loss to the Commanders], I feel like that got our attention back somewhat refocus us... [PFT: partial credit for the Super Bowl should go to the Washington Commanders?] Pretty much. Yeah. I'll take lighten the fire. Be in the catalyst.

I will play two more years of football before retiring

I keep telling people like two more years... I don't want to like fade away like, and start declining and just keep, I don't wanna steal money... two years I'm good.

I hope to never wear another uniform besides the Pittsburgh Steelers

[Jersey Jerry: Could you ever picture yourself in another uniform?] No. I hope I never have to.

Fried lobster is the most delicious thing I have ever eaten

I had fried lobster for the first time in my life. That's all I've been thinking about. It was the most delicious thing I've ever ate.

LeBron James is the greatest stat compiler of all time

Great job, LeBron. I'm happy for you. You know LeBron, he's had quite a week... kind of a ball hog. But that's fine. You, you are a stat compiler. You're the greatest stat compiler of all time.

If LeBron James is a true historian, he will wait to break the scoring record against the Bucks

The only thing he could say is if LeBron is a true historian of the game, he would wait to break it against the Bucks. The only other team that Kareem played for. So Lakers bucks playing on Thursday night.

Victor Wembanyama will be better than LeBron James was at his peak

We actually, we should get credit in the media because like we were so right about LeBron James we called it. And guess what I'm calling it right now? Wembanyama is gonna be great. Yeah. He's gonna be, he's gonna even be better than LeBron at his peaks.

The Super Bowl is a 'can't lose' game for Nick Sirianni, not a 'must win'

I disagree. You think it's can't lose? They're Yeah, it's a can't lose. Because if you, if you lose, then what? ... If you're Nick Sirianni, you lose the Super Bowl, you're gonna be known as Super Bowl losing head coach. You can't, you cannot lose that game if you're Nick Sirianni.

Tom Brady is not actually retired

This was my hot seat because I actually think it's hot seat. The Tom Brady retirement. He's not, he's spending an entire year off. He's basically admitting that he's not gonna start broadcasting games till 2024. He's not retired... This feels like he's just leaving the door a little bit open.