Takes

Cristiano Ronaldo is not a top three Ronaldo

It's time that we have an honest conversation about Ronaldo. I don't even think he's a top three Ronaldo. You've got Ronaldo, you've got Ronaldinho, who is named Ronaldo... Fat Ronaldo. He's number six overall Ronaldo.

Messi is better than Ronaldo because he is better at cheating on his taxes

Messi is probably got like a billion... He's better at shooting us, he got away with cheating on taxes for longer than Ronaldo did. Rinaldo you bitch. Messy has one, two, three, four, five, six golden boots. Count the booties.

Rick Pitino is definitely a guy who has nipple rings

I think the two of them probably have a lot in common as you like Cuomo Rick Pitino has probably a nipple ring guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah big time nipple ring guy if he doesn't have them he loves them.

Christian Pulisic stunk in his Chelsea debut and might not be ready for the bright lights

I watched the whole game. He stunk. Is he not ready for the bright lights? They came in... he came in and it was 1-0, and then Manchester United scored three goals... I'm just going to say, as someone who was ready to declare this the biggest moment in USA soccer history, yeesh.

The Raptors should trade Drake to break the Drake Curse

The Raptors should trade Drake. He's a big mad. I think he's upset.

Lionel Messi is dead

Messi's dead. Messi is dead. Dunzo. Listen, it's a team sport. Go back to Argentina, Messi. Okay? It's a team sport. Argentina stinks. Messi's great. Yeah.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is the future of American soccer at age 34

Zlatan is going to save soccer in America. He is. He's the future of American soccer. He's 34. And he's the future.

We should stop learning because mini-collisions in the brain make you dumber

Why don't we go after math? Why don't we go after learning? Because when you think about it, all learning is is a bunch of electrons running into each other. A lot of mini collisions inside your head probably makes you dumber in the long term. Basically like playing the offensive line.

LeBron James should play for the US Men's Soccer team

LeBron actually should play for us. If you were to take the best NFL athletes... could the Chiefs qualify for the World Cup under the instruction of Andy Reid?

Celebrating a tie in soccer is un-American and makes me want to puke

The amount of celebration over a tie makes me want to puke... Very un-American. We play to win the game. That's why we've won every war we've ever been in. That's America.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

The ozone layer is the most overrated thing in the world; without it, everyone would just be tan and good looking

The ozone is the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah, oh, without the ozone, everybody will get really tan and good looking. Oh, man, wouldn't want that.

The NFL should be criticized for not suspending Aaron Hernandez while suspending Hope Solo for six months

Don't let this distract you from the fact that the NFL has yet to suspend Aaron Hernandez. ... Aaron Hernandez gets nothing and Hope Solo suspended for six months for talking.

Twitter is primarily composed of memes and ISIS recruitment

It's just memes and ISIS recruitment. That's what Twitter is. It's a real problem out there. Real problem out there.

The 2015-16 Leicester City team is taking steroids

I think that Leicester City is all taking steroids. There were a 5,001 long shot before the league year started. And now they're probably going to win the English premiership. And the only way that's possible... they're taking steroids, all of them.