Takes

Dusty Baker's toothpick look is a 'I'm better than you' power move

Dusty's got the biggest gut in the game... the one thing I respect about Dusty and I've always respected, he's a toothpick guy. And I'm publicly in the market to be a toothpick guy because it's a very hard look to pull off, to just always have a toothpick in. He'll have an interview and he'll have a toothpick in, which is kind of like 'I'm better than you. You don't even deserve for me to take this toothpick out of my mouth' move.

Bartolo Colon is back on steroids because he hit a long home run

My witch hunt is it's pretty obvious. Bartolo Colon is back on steroids after he jacked that dinger like that went to like the 12th row. That was no small dinger. That was like a legit shot.

Bartolo Colon is allowed to do steroids because he never goes to the gym

Bartolo Colon, though, he absolutely falls under our pardon my take, use it, don't abuse it steroid law because there's no way he goes to a gym. So if he wants to do steroids, he can do steroids as far as I'm concerned.

The only weakness for the 2016 Cubs is that they are still the Cubs; it will be all-time heartbreak

The thing that scares me is the only weakness I can find on this Cubs team is that we're still the Cubs. ... It will be all-time heartbreak.

Steroid users should be allowed to use them as long as they don't work out

I think for steroids, you should be able to use them as long as you don't abuse them... If you use steroids, you can't lift any weights. This is the Pardon My Take 'use it, don't abuse it' rule. If you use it, stay out of the gym.

Pablo Sandoval is 'hurt' because he's fat, not 'injured'

I'd say he's hurt. I wouldn't say he's injured. I think his whole body is... he's just so out of shape. He's like, 'ow, I slept on it funny, I'm out for the rest of the season.' That's a fat guy thing. You start making up injuries in your brain.

Pablo Sandoval will be just as good from the right side as the left side next year

So his right hand is going to be getting a lot of exercise. He's got a wipe, J-O, you name it... flash forward to next season, he might be just as good from the right side as he is from the left. So keep an eye on that.

Jake Arrieta is 'juicing through his eyeballs'

I think Jake Arrieta is a classic case of juicing through his eyeballs. If you look at the facts on Jake Arrieta real quick, he wasn't very good early in his career and now he's super good. What do they all have in common [with A-Rod]? You guessed it: using a lot of steroids.

Cal Ripken Jr. used performance-enhancing drugs to maintain his consecutive games streak

I think that we need to bring back steroid accusations because you're absolutely right. So I'll get it started by reiterating my favorite steroid claim of all time, and that's that Cal Ripken Jr. used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs to break that streak.

Greg Maddux was a sick individual in the clubhouse who used teammates' clothes to clean himself

He [Greg Maddux] was a sick individual to say the least. You know, there was nothing that was off limits for Greg. You know, he wasn't opposed to going into somebody's locker and grabbing a piece of piece of clothing and using it to clean himself in various ways and things of that nature.

Otis Nixon would beat Sid Bream in a race even if Bream had a head start

I think I'm pretty confident in betting that Otis [Nixon] is going to make it around before Sid [Bream] does. [Even if Sid gets started] I still think Otis is going to do it. Sid was not fleet of foot.

Being a left-handed pitcher is a massive advantage in sports that other athletes don't have

The overwhelming thing that was in the favor of baseball was I was a left-handed pitcher. I just felt like being a left-handed pitcher I had a big advantage in baseball that I didn't have in hockey. Left-handed pitchers, everybody's looking for them.

Kyle Schwarber will return from his ACL/LCL injury in six months, in time for the World Series

That's a little out of my expertise in information systems. Let's say six months... [Back in time for the World Series?] Sure. I mean, that's where the money is.

The Cleveland Indians' Chief Wahoo logo will be on the hot seat this year

We, this show, called the shot that the Indians were going to have a good year and the Chief Wahoo logo was going to be on the hot seat and people were going to all get upset. Well, guess what? They had a good year. They lost in the World Series, but they had a good year. They're back. Chief Wahoo still on the hot seat.

The Cincinnati Reds don't suck and will be good this year.

Cincinnati Reds have been on a goddamn tear this year. 6-0 against the spread, 5-1, first place in the National League Central. ... they don't suck. ... I'm a big Reds fan from like way back in the day... the bottom line is I'm a big Reds fan is what I was getting at here.

The Red Sox cannot claim fat discrimination against Pablo Sandoval because they knew he was fat when they signed him

They accepted him as being a lot-ass when they signed him, he was heavy. ... So they will accept them the way he was. ... We hired you and we knew that you were this tub of lard and it didn't matter at the time. ... The reason that we're letting you go is not because you're fat, but because you can't hit for a lick.

I pick the Reds to win the World Series

The Reds are 3-0. You pick them to win the World Series. ... I think it said that we're going to win so many games this year that we can afford to have a really long hashtag.

Tony La Russa is the ultimate 'Baseball Man' for falling asleep at a red light while drunk

I mean, Tony La Russa, classic baseball man, falling asleep at a red light because he's too drunk. That's just baseball man life.

Hammer the Reds as underdogs this year and you will become a millionaire

Hammer the Reds this year. Hammer the Reds. They will be underdogs many, many times. You throw it on the Reds. You take that $10, put it right there. Probably make yourself $20, $17. Then you keep doing it. And hopefully the Reds never lose and you become a millionaire.

It only counts as Opening Day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day

I only count it as opening day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day and watch baseball. Otherwise, like a Sunday night, I could do that any other week of the year.

Opening Day should always be on a Monday so everyone can skip work and get drunk together.

You have to have opening day be like a Monday. Everyone can skip work, get drunk. There's a lot of games together. Shout out to Johnny Bench. He was absolutely right. I hate what they've done [with Sunday night games].

The Reds will finish in second place in the NL Central

Out of the NL Central, I've got the Reds followed up by the Cubs. I don't know. I think the Cubs are going to be a good wildcard team this year... If they come in second place in the division, I'm going to look like the smartest guy in baseball.

The Cubs have the best team top-to-bottom in baseball

I do think the Cubs have the best team. And I know that everyone will be like, that's biased. They don't have the best pitching, but I'm talking about top to bottom team.

Being on rehab is the easiest money in professional sports

I'm addicted to actually rehab. It's the easiest money in pro sports. You don't ever have to play, and they keep sending you checks on the drugs. It's better than drugs, actually.

Brett Anderson getting a base hit is nearly as impressive as Doc Ellis throwing a no-hitter on LSD.

Brett getting a base hit is pretty miraculous because when you see him on a day-to-day basis in the clubhouse and you see his athleticism by that, I mean, his almost near inability to walk. You're like, how is he getting a hit at the major league level? ... I'll still say Doc Ellis is a perfect game, but it's a pretty good comparison between the two.

Benching Pablo Sandoval for being fat is counterproductive; the team should make him play more to burn calories

Benching him is like the opposite of what you want to do. If I'm a fat guy, if you tell me like, Hey, you're too fat to do your job. So you're just not going to do it anymore. I'm like, uh, like, so what's the catch? I get to just sit and like, hang out in the clubhouse now. If you want to get Pablo Sandoval to lose weight, you make him play like a simulated game, then the real game, then like another simulated game. Like just starve him to death and make him work so hard that he has to lose the weight.

Opening Day should be a national holiday

Kingsford came to me, and it was the idea that Cincinnati forever was the first game of the season... I'm actually pushing for a national baseball day. I don't know why, you know, if I were elected president... that we shouldn't have a baseball day, and everybody just has one thing in mind, and that's going to the ballparks.

The Cubs have a shot to win it all this year because their young players look professional

I think that's fine. You know, you got a lot of young guys that have really come up out of the minor leagues and have just absolutely performed, and they come up with so much confidence, and they really look professional, and it's exciting to see... You got a shot.

If a player bat flips in your face, the pitcher should knock him down next time

He's going to go down on his butt. You're gonna oh you're gonna call for the inside heat you didn't even have to you know the pitcher already knows it. The thing you know he's standing out there and you show him up i can understand if it's a game-ending situation where the guy gets excited but you know in the old days you know everybody had a memory you don't show me up.

My fantasy baseball strategy is to just draft the consensus best players in the league

If I was picking my fantasy team right now, I'd take Clayton Kershaw, Bryce Harper, Mike Trout, Chris Sale. Throw in a Cub. I'll take Anthony Rizzo and Chris Bryant. I'll take those guys, too. I don't know if you can find – I mean, that's pretty good drafting on my part.

I'm taking Matt Harvey's man card for getting a bladder infection

Apparently he had a bladder infection, which right off the bat, I'm taking his man card for that because I did not know that guys could get bladder infections. I thought that was only a woman thing. I know that sounds ignorant. But that's kind of what the man cards for is like when you feel scared by your own ignorance, you just got to take the man card.

Matt Harvey can't be trusted in any aspect of his life because he doesn't pee at the right time

Matt Harvey is going to the bathroom when he has to go to the bathroom now everything else that Matt Harvey does you have to question... The fact that he can't control his own bowels means that he can't be trusted in any other aspect of his life. So, yeah, if I'm the Mets, I'm like, this is a big problem. Guy can't pee.

You can pitch for two weeks on a torn ACL

I feel like you could pitch for, like, at least two weeks on a torn ACL... Philip Rivers played a playoff game. People forget that a lot of times. He had a torn ACL... So, like, you're a pitcher. I feel like you should be able to pitch.

Baseball players are the best at suffering bizarre, non-game injuries

Baseball players are the best at this. This is a classic spring training. Baseball players hurt or injured. Chris Sale did it last year getting off his truck... Sammy Sosa tore his back with a sneeze.

Banning the home run in baseball would make the sport unwatchable

I would love that rule [banning the home run]. That would be a great rule. Could you imagine? Actually, that would basically make baseball unwatchable, now that I'm saying it out loud.

If a pitcher ever dies on the mound, MLB will force pitchers to wear helmets and face contraptions

Well, so if a pitcher dies on the baseball mound, the game is going to like completely change. Right. They're going to make pitchers wear helmets and there may be even like some sort of weird face contraption. I don't know.

Adam LaRoche's retirement over his son being in the clubhouse was just 'hurt feelings'

Adam LaRoche quit because his feelings were hurt. He got his feelings hurt... your feelings are hurt because the White Sox basically said, hey, Adam, you're a 14 year old best friend. You can't bring him around anymore.

Hating bat flips is the ultimate litmus test for being a bad person

Is there a better litmus test in the world than people who hate bat flips being like just shitty people. Like if you hate a bat flip, it's basically like people who like kill like puppies and people who hate bat flips. That's the quickest way to figure out if you're a bad person. If you don't like bat flips, I don't even know where I would love to hear someone explain to me how they got to the point where they're like, goddamn backflips.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.