Takes

Kobe Bryant will return to play for an NBA team this season

It also brings back one of my favorite segments that we haven't done in a while. And that's which team is Kobe Bryant going to play for this year? So right now, I think the Bulls, they jumped to the top of the list. Kobe to the Bulls. Let's get that topic swirling out there. If not the Bulls, then you got to think about maybe the Knicks, too. We all know that Kobe's going to play this year.

Losing an eye is actually a performance-enhancing drug for basketball players

I'm going to go with hurt, not injured on this one. So if you lose an eye, you don't have to worry about depth perception. It's like when you're shooting a rifle, you close one eye... Losing an eye is a performance-enhancing drug.

LeBron James' subtweet is the most passive-aggressive thing he has ever done

The big story that we have waiting for the Super Bowl week to start is LeBron with the most passive-aggressive tweet I think I've ever seen... He said, I'm not mad or upset at management... I just feel we still need to improve in order to repeat, dot, dot, dot, if that's what we want to do. That is the most ridiculous subtweet that LeBron has ever, it's not even a subtweet, it's a direct tweet. He didn't add anyone, but he's adding the management.

LeBron James is setting up a pre-planned excuse in case the Cavaliers lose the Finals

[LeBron is] also setting expectations. So, like, if they lose in the finals, like, hypothetically, if it's a 4-0 sweep, hypothetically speaking, that's definitely not me saying that's going to happen. He's got an excuse prepped right there.

Jimmy Butler is a top ten player in the NBA

How many players play on a basketball team? Five. And how many teams play at the same time? Two. Okay, so that's what? Ten. Okay, so the NBA All-Star Game rosters came out. Jimmy Butler was named a starter... that would make him a top ten player.

John Calipari will leave Kentucky to coach the Lakers and reunite Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook

John Calipari to the Lakers, and then he's going to get those two [Durant and Westbrook] together. John Calipari is like a better version of Billy Donovan anyways.

LeBron James will play in the NBA until his son Bronny enters the league

LeBron is going to keep playing until LeBron Jr.'s in the NBA... LeBron can be like, I always wanted to play in a game against my son, and they're going to do that whole fucking sappy-ass shit... and then we're going to be like, shit, we have another LeBron for another 20 years?

LeBron James pretends he doesn't care about the Warriors, but he cares deeply

LeBron said, no, we're not rivals. He basically just said, I don't want to talk about that. I don't care about the Warriors. They can do their thing. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure LeBron made them put up a big poster right outside their locker room when they went to Cleveland earlier in the year, like the block and all that stuff. So classic LeBron. He's just pretending like he doesn't care, even though he cares deeply.

Carmelo Anthony's destiny is to be carried to a title by LeBron James

Melo's destiny is to have LeBron carry him to a title. That really is his destiny.

Derrick Rose should use being hacked as an excuse for going missing

He didn't tweet anything. He didn't do anything wrong on the internet. So then just say you got hacked. My life got hacked.

Grayson Allen's tripping incidents are victimless pranks that don't actually matter

The thing about Grayson Allen that I absolutely love is that all of this is victimless and it doesn't actually matter. The stakes are non-existent in this story. And we pretend like they are because we just love to hate Duke so much. But he's sticking his foot out and tripping guys and they kind of just trip over and they look up like, what the fuck was that? And then they move on. And it's not like he's putting anyone's life in jeopardy.

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Boston sports fans would love Gordon Hayward because he is a white player

A lot of stuff in the news about Gordon Hayward and Boston fans booing Jae Crowder, cheering for Hayward. Then Bomani Jones got on the air and said that Boston fans would absolutely love Gordon Hayward, which I think they would. I don't think that's out of bounds.

Mike Greenberg's take that the College Football Playoff is better than March Madness is ridiculous

Did anyone tell Greeny that he doesn't know about either of these playoffs because he didn't play sports? ... I mean, it's the most ridiculous statement.

You cannot be a serious basketball analyst if you never played the game

I just want to ask these fucking nerds. Like, did you ever play? ... If you are a basketball dude and you never played basketball, even in your heart of hearts, and you took it seriously, it's hard for me to take you seriously. Because anybody could play basketball, really, until any age.

Shooting 'granny style' should be rebranded to 'pimp grip' to make it cooler for NBA players

I think the problem is that it's called granny style because nobody wants to shoot it with that name. If it was like pimp grip or like called baller style or something like that, I feel like more people would try it.

The Knicks will never win as long as James Dolan is the owner

As long as James Dolan is the owner of the Knicks, the Knicks aren't winning shit. And you know that. I know that. Spike Lee knows that.

Bet the Under on the first three NBA games on Christmas Day

So everyone remember, Christmas Day, my theory, the Unders in the NBA, if you bet the first three Unders, I think you've won every year in the last decade... The teams are going to take a little too long, eat a little food. It's only for the first three games, though.

NBA superteams and a lack of parity make the league boring

There's not a lot of parity in the league. It's super teams. Why even watch? If you have one unbelievable player, then it's pretty much a guaranteed win.

LeBron James is taking money out of kids' pockets by resting for games

It's honestly a little bit disgusting on LeBron's part to take a day off... He's taking money out of kids' pockets. He is.

LeBron James sat out against Memphis just to distract people from his Photoshop hair fail

I actually think he did this purposely to get the story about him missing this game so people would stop talking about his Sportsman of the Year award where they forgot to Photoshop his hair back on.

LeBron James is the 'Disney' of the NBA and corny as fuck

He's the Disney of the world. He's the Disney of the NBA. He's the Disney of memes. He makes everything corny as fuck.

Tim Duncan's massive back tattoo is a viral marketing stunt

To me, this screams viral marketing stunt... I would expect him to get such a lame back tattoo. But this is what happens when people retire from things. They end up falling into the first viral trap that their PR person brings in... We're going to get a big back tattoo that's fake. And then a week from now, you'll come out and be like... my tattoo artist has my back. You know who's got your back? It's Fidelity.

LeBron James makes every viral trend lame and manufactured

I just realized that this is – LeBron is Disney. He's like, if there's a meme on the internet, he's going to do it in the most Disney lame move ever. You know, like the mannequin challenge. Oh, they did the mannequin challenge at the White House. He just makes everything so fucking lame.

Jimmy Butler has gotten better every single year of his career

Jimmy Butler has gotten better like every single year of his career. And I know you're a hater... He's been awesome. He is the Bulls team.

Steve Kerr is directly financing terror by admitting to using marijuana

By buying that marijuana... Steve Kerr is directly financing terror. So I don't know if there's a case to be like a Rico thing they could investigate, the Warriors, but it's not a good look.

Al Horford should not have missed a game for the birth of his child because basketball is forever

Al Horford skipped a game to be with his wife who is having a kid. But come on, man. They could have lost. It's a kid. Kids come and go. Basketball is forever.

Being a father makes LeBron James' workload effectively 72-hour days

LeBron's a father. He's got three kids. Being a father is a 24-hour-a-day job. So really, LeBron James works, what, 72-hour days? He works every, yeah. Doesn't get paid for it? Yep. So I can understand why that would take a little bit out of you.

Brad Stevens is on the hot seat

My hot seat, Brad Stevens. He's 5-5. He's coming into the season, predicted to be number two. He's coaching for his job.

A team of college basketball players could beat an NBA team because they try harder

NBA players don't try. They don't try like the college kids... I can't be the only one who thinks that a team of college players could put together a team and beat an NBA team. At least they would try harder.

Magic Johnson is healthier than LeBron James because he conquered AIDS

I would make the case Magic Johnson might be a little bit more healthy [than LeBron]. Like the guys, he's conquered AIDS. 25 years. But I guess they didn't factor AIDS into this equation. But still.

LeBron James is due to get busted for steroids at any time

And LeBron's due to get busted for steroids any time now.

The Charlotte Hornets will have a 4-1 record by Monday.

Actually, we're probably not going to have this interview until Monday, so what's your record going to be then? Probably 4-1.

If Jimmy Butler wins NBA MVP, PFT Commenter will get a sex change.

PFT says that Jimmy Butler is not a top 20 player and that if he – he's not going to win MVP, but he has thrown this out there that if Jimmy Butler does somehow win an MVP, PFT is going to get a sex change.

Spencer Hawes is on pace to record 55 dunks this season.

I actually told Frank before the game I'm on pace for about 55 dunks.

LeBron James was hungover for the Celtics game after drinking a beer at the World Series

LeBron got caught on TV sipping a little beer... You should have bet on the Celtics last night because LeBron James was hungover. A little dinged up.

The Sacramento Kings and Brooklyn Nets will both fail to win 50 games this season

Neither the Nets nor the Kings are going to win 50 games this year... by the power in Pardon My Take and all that are curses and witchcraft.

I will get a sex change if Jimmy Butler wins NBA MVP

I'll put this out. I will go ahead and I'll have a sex change if Jimmy Butler becomes the MVP. I will become Marlon's woman. Done.

NBA players don't start playing real defense until March

Oh, playing defense? Oof, gosh, what, March? I think when the tournament starts and then everybody's like, wow, they play so hard, that's when we're like, okay, now we've got to step it up.

The 76ers should sit Ben Simmons for his entire rookie year

Honestly, I feel like they're not going to want to rush it. Like why would you rush back a number one pick and risk him getting hurt again? So why not just sit him out the whole year?

The Golden State Warriors are 0-1 and currently the worst team in the league

I have them [Warriors] hovering the panic button. 0-1. That's the worst in the league. That's the worst start you can have.

It's not time to hit the panic button on the Warriors yet

I said that it was going to take some time for chemistry to develop. Only one ball between the whole team. So I'd say that it's not time to hit the panic button yet, but we're getting close.

The Houston Rockets will win over 44 games this season

Hank, give me Houston's number. I'm going to take the over regardless of what it is. 44. Mike D'Antoni's first year, and they got rid of Dwight Howard, and they're moving James Harden to the point. That team's going to score like 120 points a game. I'm way over.

The Brooklyn Nets will win over 20.5 games

Oh, like the Nets, 20 and a half. Over... They're the exact type of team that's going to surprise people.

The Clippers will win over 53.5 games because it is a contract year for Blake Griffin

I'm going to go with the Clippers over. Really? 53 and a half. Blake Griffin... he said that he's healthy and chomping at the bit. A little insider information for you. It's a contract year, too. I think they're going to be ready to go.

The Memphis Grizzlies will lose in six games in the first round of the playoffs

I have a prediction for the Grizzlies. They're going to play really good defense and lose in six games in the first round.

The Lakers will make the playoffs and win over 24.5 games

I'm going to stick with the L.A. Lakers. Over. I'm going to tease my own show. I got the Lakers in the playoffs this year... This team can only go up. That's like 25 wins unto itself.

The Celtics will win under 52.5 games because expectations are too high

I'm taking the under on the Celtics. 52.5 feels like too much. It feels like they're going to be a fine team, but it feels more like a 48-49 win team.

Dwight Howard will become lovable again during his time in Atlanta

I think Dwight Howard's going to get lovable again. I think he's going to be like the guy he was in Orlando. I think he's going to be chill. I think the Atlanta fans don't expect him to lead them to a title. So I think everyone's kind of on the same lily pad right now.

LeBron James is indestructible because he is using steroids

Well, if they somehow outlaw steroids in the next few months, LeBron... I mean, that's exactly what steroids would do, I think. When everyone's kind of out of gas and you have that extra gear... The hoop looks three times bigger when you're juicing.