Takes

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

Carson Wentz fabricated the story about being locked in a gas station bathroom to hide the fact that he shit his pants

I think Carson Wentz shit his pants and then was like, oh, I got locked in the bathroom... Carson Wentz shit his pants, which I don't even know if you're an Eagles fan which one you'd rather have. Probably the pants shitter.

I would stand by my criticism of Randy Moss's mooning celebration even today

I would probably say the same thing again. it would be weak of me to say, yeah, I was a little bit too harsh and poor Randy... I thought it was over the top and ridiculous. Maybe my Midwestern roots came out. But believe me, I'm not scared. And if somebody doesn't like what I say or how I say it... I really don't give a shit anymore.

Dez Bryant caught the ball against the Packers in the playoffs

I was in the minority on that one. I thought that was a catch. And I think if Dez Bryant and Lambeau is not within a yard of the end zone, it's not an issue. But because he was and he was reaching for the touchdown, to me, that's what caused the ball to pop out.

It would have been worse for Peyton Manning to win only one Super Bowl than to have won zero

It actually would have been worse for Peyton [Manning] to have only won one Super Bowl instead of having won zero because he was really, really good for such a long time that if you have one, that trophy looks lonely on your mantle place. You know, you can explain not having any trophies. But if you have one, it's like, well, how come you don't have more?

Aaron Rodgers stopping his cheese consumption is a betrayal of his Wisconsin fan base

Aaron Rodgers deciding to stop eating cheese is absolute fucking bullshit. It's a slap in the face to his entire fan base. ... Aaron Rodgers is basically telling all of his fans, all the hardworking people in Wisconsin that buy his jersey ... You just told them they're all fat asses and losers.

Dan Marino would have killed a small child to win a Super Bowl

But if Dan Marino—if you had said to him during his career, 'Hey, Dan, you can win a Super Bowl, but you got to kill a small child, no one will find out.' You think he does it?

We are not football guys, we are football guy guys

Thinking back on the different football guys that we met with and talked to about grit, I came to the conclusion we're not football guys, me and you. We're not football guys, but we are football guys guys. We love being dudes around football guys.

People who camp outside NFL facilities for tryouts are terrorists

The people that camp outside of NFL training facilities holding signs that say, 'Let me get a tryout. All I need is a shot. I'm hungry.' They're pretty much terrorists because what they're doing is they're going on like a hunger strike... You can't bypass the system.

NFL players should only be allowed to have sex from May to August to ensure offseason births

I've been a long-standing fan of this policy for the NFL... I think that players should only be able to have sex through the months of, what is it, like May through August to time it so that you have an offseason baby. Because I hate it when Joe Flacco has to miss the Pro Bowl or threaten.

Bengals vs. Steelers is currently the biggest rivalry in the NFL

Cincinnati Bengals, Pittsburgh Steelers. Maybe the biggest rivalry going right now in the NFL.

If Roger Goodell isn't 'motherfucking' me behind my back, I'm not doing my job as NFLPA President

I feel like in a weird way, if [Roger Goodell] hasn't [motherfucked me behind my back], I'm probably not doing my job... You have to stump for the players.

The Steelers-Bengals rivalry in 2016 was worse and more intense than the Steelers-Ravens rivalry

Honestly, I think it was worse with the Bengals this year... just the Bengals are something different. That game was wild, man.

Grit is more important than athletic ability for a quarterback

That's why I think grit's more important than ability is because Craig Krenzel was not the most talented quarterback in the nation... but he did the one thing that you're supposed to do if you're the quarterback, and that's win every game.

Fullback dives are not gritty; they are essentially a pillow fight

No [fullback dives are not gritty]. Fullback dive is kind of like a pillow fight. You just run up in there. I mean, it's either you get a lot or you get nothing because you don't get any movement. You don't even have enough running start to have a collision in a fullback dive.

The punt is the most important play in football

I've said it's the most important play... the impact that the punt play makes in the game is incredible. If you get one blocked, it's devastating. If you block one, it's exhilarating. It's kind of like a relationship.

Year-round training and specialization are 'fouling up' youth sports by preventing kids from developing grit through diverse experiences

I think we've kind of fouled up the whole thing by having all year round soccer, all year round football, all year round basketball... student athletes aren't doing internships because they're so busy training... all of the things that help develop grit, we're just doing them in one direction and in training.

Kyle Orton was a damn good quarterback and a hell of a backup

Damn, [Kyle Orton] was good... He's a hell of a backup, but I think there's a coverage that I know I could play with him that he didn't like.

Les Miles is a unique person who truly doesn't care what anyone thinks of him

He's unique, I'll put it that way. He has a great personality. He's very personable, but he's going to do his own thing. The thing about Les [Miles] is he really doesn't care what people think of him. He's going to do what he wants to do.

There is not a better human being in the world than Brett Favre

Let me tell you, there's not a better human being [than Brett Favre]. I don't know if you guys have ever spent time with Brett.

Ndamukong Suh was a great guy to coach and is a very intelligent person

He was a great guy to coach. I mean, he worked hard every day. He's a great person, very intelligent... he plays with an edge.

Robert Griffin III would have been a better safety than Johnny Manziel

Between Robert Griffin, Johnny Manziel, who do you think would have made a better safety? [Bo Pelini]: Probably Robert Griffin.

J.J. Watt's new logo looks like a cheap energy drink and a bad tattoo

J.J. Watt. Come on, man. He basically made a logo that looks like a cheap, crappy energy drink slash awful tattoo... symbolizing buildings getting taller because his work ethic... literally no one forgets [he was a walk-on] because JJ tells us every single fucking day.

Kickers are severely disliked by real football players

I severely disliked them... as the 17th most hated person on the planet, I can't say I really hate anybody, but I severely dislike them. I would not invite them out for wings.

Cleveland fans shouldn't complain about losing because they are all Ohio State fans who win every year

Everyone in Cleveland crying in their soup about all their losses. They're all Ohio State fans. And they win every fucking year. Shut up.

My alliterative name is a huge reason for my success

It's a huge part of my success and a big reason why I kind of am where I am today. [Matt Bortles or Ted Bortles] nowhere near it – no, not even close.

The Bears only win because of 'Bear Weather'

[Big Cat]: The 85 Bears basically won because of bear weather... when the weather gets worse, the bears get better. [Bortles]: Is that like something you guys say or you're actually talking about like Mother Nature?

I want to see a linebacker demolish the special needs kid during feel-good football plays

Does it make me a bad person that when that happens I always want some kid to just like truck stick them? ... I always want the opposing linebacker to just demolish the special needs kid and be like, no free plays on my field.

Kickers and punters are not actual people

Kickers are not people. We can get Pat McAfee on here right now. Kickers are not people. I love kickers. Kickers are my boys, but they are not people. They are kickers. Punters... they're in the same boat.

Ryan Leaf and Johnny Manziel are bigger busts than a serial killer

I think Ryan Leaf and Johnny Manziel still are bigger [busts].

Philip Rivers is using the 'Ultimate Chargers Mom' contest to hook up with moms in San Diego

I feel like Philip Rivers is about to hook up with some moms in the San Diego area. You're giving a guy who loves moms because he's got 10 kids. He loves sex. He loves moms. And you're having this guy do a photo judge and call a mom? I don't know, Chargers. Feels like a bad idea.

RG3 Should Respect Shanahan

Respect Shanahan, I don't plan to scram.

Andy Dalton's new haircut is actually cool and the team likes it

No, he has a cool haircut now. Everybody likes his haircut. My wife loves his haircut now. ... It's definitely a cool haircut.

Laremy Tunsil's gas mask bong video is actually a positive scouting report showing he has great lung capacity and mental toughness

Nice lungs on him. If you're scouting him and you're like, damn, that guy can play deep into the fourth quarter. That guy can play at altitude is what it tells me. ... So that guy can be in a tight place. He can play in altitude. Mentally tough. He's got deep lungs. He can play deep into the fourth quarter.

You cannot win with an NFL player who has never tried weed

Your draft pick being a weed guy i think that you don't want to have a draft pick who's who's never tried weed everyone has a friend who's never tried weed and he's a loser and like when you pass the joint around you're like fuck this guy's a narc you start thinking about it you can't win with a guy who's never tried weed

Carson Wentz looks like a guy who has never tried weed before

I would say that, actually, Carson Wentz seems like a guy that's never tried weed before. ... I think if you look at his tweet history, the fact that he lives in North Dakota, weed, they don't have North Dakota weed. You can't get weed, yeah.

Bruce Arians is building a defensive cartel in the Arizona desert

I think Bruce Arians is building a cartel out in the desert. He's got Tyrann Mathieu, and now he's got Chandler Jones. Can you imagine those defensive meeting rooms? It's going to be like a Star Wars movie theater back in the '70s with all the smoke going up.

Compared to Laremy Tunsil's gas mask, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks soft for only having a joint in his draft night photo

Another real winner of the draft was Ha Ha Clinton-Dix from a couple years ago. You'll remember he had that joint that was next to him on the couch. So now basically Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks like a big pussy right now. At least have an apparatus for me to make a story.

Sam Bradford hasn't earned the right to be a starting quarterback

I can't comprehend where Sam Bradford's coming from to think that he earned the right to be a starting quarterback in the NFL.

I want my offensive linemen to be white and my defensive linemen to be black

I would like [6'6 guys who run 4.2s] on my offensive line, and I'd like the black guys on my defensive line.

Joey Bosa is a great draft prospect because of his name

I'm a big Joey Bosa guy just from the name. I think his name, I think that's a great name.

DeForest Buckner is a top draft prospect because his first name is a verb

If your first name is a verb, I think that's pretty solid. [DeForest Buckner] jumps up to the top of my big board.

Robert Nkemdiche would be a Vine superstar if he landed on a beer pong table when he fell out of a window

If there was a beer pong table that [Robert Nkemdiche] landed on, he'd be a Vine superstar. If anything, he just did it a little too early.

Playing for the Detroit Lions sucks the life out of you

If you just see what they've done in the past and even now with Calvin [Johnson], it's a tough place to play. It just sucks the life out of you. I don't know how else to describe it.

Any future heroic act by JJ Watt will be a staged PR stunt

I wouldn't rule out J.J. Watt staging, saving some child from a burning building or something. If you hear a story in the next month that J.J. Watt ran into a burning warehouse and there were children and kittens and puppies and he saved them all, just be on the lookout for that. ... I want to be a pre-truther to anything heroic that J.J. Watt does in the next six months.

Rob Ryan sleeping at the Bills facility is a bigger 'Football Guy' move than Dan Mullen's marathon

Without a doubt, Rob Ryan's sleeping at the facility. And here's why. Rex Ryan, now that he's got his brother in town, they're doing nothing but hanging out at the Bills facility, drinking Fireball and just like sleeping on cots. And to them, that's like summer camp. So that is a football guy move. Dan Mullen running a long distance and like showing off about it. That's more of a basketball lifer move.

The NHL first round is much better than the NBA first round

The major stories all come from the playoffs starting and the stark difference between how much fun the NHL first round is and how awful the NBA first round is. It's incredible to watch. If you are the eighth seed, if you're the seventh seed, what's even the point of being in the playoffs? Whereas the NHL seeds all across the board win playoff series.

Johnny Manziel should buy a house instead of renting to avoid party damage headlines

My PR 101 advice to Johnny would be—this is basic stuff—buy a house, don't rent. Interest rates being what they are these days, you're getting some bad financial advice so just look to buy, don't look to rent.

Johnny Manziel is actively trying to be a dickhead to stay in the news

He's actively trying to be a dickhead now. That's the thing that's shocking with Johnny Manziel... Now I think he's going out of his way to be like, I'm going to stay in the news. I'm moving in with Josh Gordon. I'm getting in a weird car accident. He's trying to do this.

Rams GM Les Snead keeps his job because he has great hair and a Hollywood look

Les Snead, the GM for the Rams. I have a theory that he just gets by on his hair. If you've seen his hair, he's got very nice hair... He's got like kind of a Hollywood look. He's got the name... I don't know if he's a good GM anymore. I think he's just getting by with the Les Snead kind of aura that's around him.