Takes

Colin Kaepernick's dead arm is a blessing in disguise because it will make him a 'touch' passer

Dead arm was the best thing that could have happened to Colin Kaepernick. Now he's a touch guy. Great. Now he's Chad Pennington. It's like a reverse rookie of the year happens. Yes, yes. And he needs to cash in on it.

Peyton Manning was using inferior steroids compared to James Harrison

I think what we can clearly tell is that if James Harrison was doing steroids and if Peyton Manning was doing steroids, Peyton Manning was doing way shittier steroids than James Harrison. Those were not from the same steroid guy.

Usain Bolt could play in the NFL as a Mike Wallace-type deep threat

I want to know if Usain Bolt, if you put him in pads, put him in a helmet – Can he take a hit? He wouldn't go across the middle. I already know that about him. He would be like a Mike Wallace type on the outside.

NFL catch rules should be based on common sense rather than slow-motion replay

If common sense dictates that it's a catch, it ought to be a catch. I think one of the issues that has come up in this is that it doesn't belong in replay. This whole judgment area... That's judgment. It's 100% judgment. And replay ought to be based on facts, not judgment.

Ed Hochuli wears extra small jerseys to make his biceps look bigger

I'm saying if you think a guy that buys extra small jerseys and cuts off the ends of them, if you think and does 100 push-ups before he goes out on the field to make them look bigger, if you think that's a show-off, I think it's a show-off.

The New England Patriots have pulled shenanigans that have to be considered cheating

Based on the Spygate thing, which they did, and what I at least perceive to be enough evidence on the Spygate thing, to me, they pull shenanigans that are certainly have to be considered cheating.

Jon Gruden was the worst coach in the NFL to deal with on the sidelines

Who was the worst coach on the sideline? Him [Gruden]. I don't think there's any question. And officials used to call me when I was in charge of the league and say, you know, Gruden was out of line.

Saints rookie Michael Thomas is a massive fantasy alert catching everything at camp

Mike Thomas from the New Orleans Saints has been catching everything, and he's an Ohio State guy too... Definitely a fantasy alert there.

Tim Tebow is like a six-year-old because he hasn't proved he's incompetent at any job yet

[Tebow] is basically like a six-year-old... he's able to do that. And then he's like, I want to be on ESPN. And they put him on ESPN... the best thing that you can say about Tim Tebow is that he doesn't suck enough at anything where any job is really out of the remote possibility for him.

The Hall of Fame game cancellation was a conspiracy to force viewers to watch the Olympics.

The Olympics, tonight was supposed to be their big night. They needed the ratings... NBC, their president is a guy named Steve Burke. Steve Burke just happens to be a former Disney executive. Maybe he called in a favor... [the painter] is probably the easiest person in the world to pay off.

I unequivocally believe in Teddy Bridgewater as a franchise quarterback.

I do [believe in Teddy Bridgewater]. Yes, unequivocally... his arm strength is a problem, but it's the same problem that Rivers has had and Rivers is a perfectly fine quarterback... I know he has the arm strength of a dragonfly, but I like him.

Jay Cutler will never make 'the leap' at age 32.

I'm not scared of Cutler... I don't think [him putting it all together] is going to happen.

The Vikings will win the NFC North this season.

I have the Vikings winning the division, which means they're all going to die in a bus crash or something like that. Something awful will happen. But I really like the team.

Jay Cutler is the worst quarterback in the NFL

Stephen A. Smith will play this clip. Jay Cutler is the worst quarterback in football. The only time I've ever seen him smile was when he was signing the contract. He called Jay Cutler the worst quarterback in the league and cited some statistics of only smiling when he signed his new contract.

No one on the Patriots actually has Tom Brady's phone number

I've strictly asked that question multiple times, and he [Nate Ebner] said no one on the Patriots has Brady's number, but if you want to get a hold of him, you contact his massage therapist.

Trent Richardson being cut is good because it starts his Hall of Fame eligibility clock sooner

Great news for Richardson. Now the clock can start on his five-year eligibility until he can get into the Hall of Fame. So he can get it in 2021 instead of 2022.

Being shot is preferable to watching Mike Mularkey coach the Jaguars

I would get shot 10 times again instead of going through 2011 Jaguars again.

The 2016 Jacksonville Jaguars are going to 'put on a show'

I think we're going to have to bring back the greatest show on turf because this year [the Jaguars] are about to put on a show, a straight-up show.

Bears rookie Daniel Braverman is a deep sleeper fantasy target

Benny Fowler, Daniel Braverman. By the way, he's going to be our new favorite. He's a Bear. And his name is literally he's braver than every other man. [Braverman] and Devontae Adams. All have been catching everything at camp. Catching everything.

The NFL conspiracy to take down Tom Brady is a proven fact

Do you think that they unfairly accused [Brady] of something and it's a conspiracy just to sit down the face of the NFL? ... Yes, that's actually a proven fact. ... Yeah, they just don't like the Patriots. Too much winning.

The New York Giants will finish the 2016 season 10-6

Giants record for the year... Ten and six.

Warren Sapp staged his shark attack to get back into the national media spotlight

Connect the dots. Warren Sapp doesn't have a job right now... Best way to get yourself back in the national media spotlight without saying, 'Hey, I want a job,' get attacked by a shark. ... I'm just saying, do we know what that shark looked like? No... That's for sure a fake shark. Truther Warren Sapp did not get bit by a shark. He rigged this whole thing.

Tom Brady is a bad guy

Number four on my Mount Rushmore of bad guys. Tom Brady. [Belichick] never got suspended. True. He only got fined.

Bruce Arians has a unique 'locker room' accent because he gets fired so often

Arians' accent, like he's never lived in a place long enough to develop a real accent because he gets fired all the time. So his accent is just locker room. It's just like a mix of like southern good old boy, like inner city, and then a little bit of Midwestern.

The NFL should implement the 'Romney Rule' requiring one white cornerback per team

There should also be a rule that says every team should have one defensive back that's a white guy... cornerbacks specifically because there are a lot of Eric Weddle types running around out there... we white people need to look at ourselves and say, are we doing enough to make a change in society?

Robert Griffin III being ranked as a top 5 Redskins QB is an insult since he only played with five

Santana Moss actually just came out with his own mini Mount Rushmore... of top five quarterbacks he played with... and RG3 came in the top five. He was five... and those were the only five he played with. But still, top five is top five.

Dak Prescott will be the Cowboys starting quarterback in about a year

I'm going to say about a year. Now, of course, if Romo gets hurt this year, then, of course, I think he may be done. But if he's not, then about a year or two.

The NFL preseason should be 10 weeks long and start in July

I think preseason should start in July. Give us something more to talk about. We should have 10 weeks of NFL preseason.

NFL teams will view Johnny Manziel as a nerd for playing Pokemon Go

Manziel was at a club. ... But he was playing Pokemon inside a club. And this is a pretty bad look for Johnny. ... well now NFL teams are going to be like, we don't want to hire him. He's a nerd.

Johnny Manziel should drink more beer to fix his image and show he's a leader

My PR 101 to Johnny is, like, toughen up your image a little bit. Be a little bit of a bad boy. Have a couple beers. No big deal. Just kind of, like, let people know you're a regular dude.

Miko Grimes' antisemitic comments can be 'solved' by starting a foundation Twitter account to blame interns

Just start a Twitter account in the foundation's name, the Miko Grimes Foundation account. Then you can say an intern was tweeting and dropping hard J's on everyone's face... when shit hits the fan... boom, intern tweeted it we fired him it's been taken care of.

J.J. Watt is personally responsible for sweatshop conditions in China and polluting the planet via his Reebok shoes

Hey, JJ, you know where Reebok makes their shoes, bro? In China, they pay him like a dollar an hour to make your shoes. They put nets up outside the buildings to prevent people from committing suicide... Nike is going to have to put all the eight year olds back to work, double shift to keep up with all your shoe sales... Hey, JJ, you know about like the plastics and the chemicals they put in those shoes? They're literally polluting the planet, dude.

JJ Watt is a hypocrite for telling rookies to read tweets 95 times before sending

JJ Watt probably actually does do that 95 times. And it's 95. It's every single time. He probably does it 99 for his number. ... Hey, J.J., don't be such a hypocrite. ... Maybe practice what you preach.

Tom Brady is the greatest American to ever live

Name the greatest American to ever live. Tom Brady.

Johnny Manziel's NFL suspension is a PR victory because it keeps him relevant

He got suspended by the NFL for four games. And you know what? That's a great thing for him to have happen because Johnny Manziel, for the first time in a few months, is being talked about in the same sentence as the NFL... It's all good news when the NFL is suspending you because that means you still have a little bit of relevancy.

Johnny Manziel should claim he has diarrhea to fix his reputation

The PR coming out of this is he just says when he comes back that he's got massive diarrhea from Mexico... if you just say explicitly like I've got diarrhea to your boss, your boss is going to be like, yeah, okay, don't go down that road with me. Johnny comes back... and he tells everybody, hey, guys. Sorry. The Montezuma's revenge.

James Harrison's home is likely filled with booby traps for Roger Goodell

James Harrison also said that if Roger Goodell wants to interview him, he has to come to his house... That's Home Alone featuring James Harrison with booby traps everywhere for Roger Goodell. He's going to have the blowtorch. He's going to have the ornaments out.

Tarvaris Jackson's wife is a Hall of Famer for mocking his on-field accuracy while he was holding a gun

Jax and his wife said to him [while he pointed a gun at her], you better be accurate because you ain't accurate on the field. That's so quick... she actually is facing death and she's still not afraid to go there. Not afraid to go there Hall of Fame.

Julio Jones will have a breakout year in 2016

I would be on the lookout for Julio Jones. I think that this is going to be his breakout year.

Ezekiel Elliott will rush for at least 200 yards in his rookie season

I think [Ezekiel Elliott] is going to put up like bare minimum at least – you can quote me on this – at least 200 yards this year.

Johnny Manziel should retire from football and play baseball to pull a 'Michael Jordan'

Retire from football, play baseball, come back to football, win three Super Bowls, call it the Michael Jordan.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

Carson Wentz's gas station bathroom story is a fake alibi for doing something else

I don't think this actually happened... I think that Carson was doing something that he wasn't supposed to be doing. And he was setting up an alibi for himself... anytime somebody starts throwing in these unnecessary details about a weird event that happened, it's because they're trying too hard to corroborate their story.

I officially hate the New Orleans Saints and will root against them on broadcasts

Joe Buck now hates the Saints... I think we should go on record and at least have one that I actually can't stand. And I'm just over the top rooting against. And whoever they're playing that week, I will refer to as we.

I would stand by my criticism of Randy Moss's mooning celebration even today

I would probably say the same thing again. it would be weak of me to say, yeah, I was a little bit too harsh and poor Randy... I thought it was over the top and ridiculous. Maybe my Midwestern roots came out. But believe me, I'm not scared. And if somebody doesn't like what I say or how I say it... I really don't give a shit anymore.

Dez Bryant caught the ball against the Packers in the playoffs

I was in the minority on that one. I thought that was a catch. And I think if Dez Bryant and Lambeau is not within a yard of the end zone, it's not an issue. But because he was and he was reaching for the touchdown, to me, that's what caused the ball to pop out.

Cam Newton's next celebration should involve converting to Islam and refusing to stand for the anthem

Cam X, Cameron X, converted to Islam, doesn't stand for the national anthem. His touchdown dances to pray, and then he hands the ball to a black kid. I mean, there we go.

Trent Richardson is definitely taking steroids if he thinks he is a Hall of Famer

Pre-crime. Trent Richardson is going to be using steroids. I'd say it's a fair assumption. He obviously has not taken any performance-enhancing drugs... but he hasn't been taking PEDs [yet].

NFL owners might have murdered Roger Goodell and faked a hack to test public reaction

I think it's more probable than not that this was an idea that was floated by the owners just to see – just to kind of like gauge the reaction and see what public sentiment would look like if Roger Goodell were to die. ... Expect Roger Goodell to maybe actually be murdered by – I don't know. Let's call it the Rooneys and the Maras over the course of the next couple of months.

Aaron Rodgers stopping his cheese consumption is a betrayal of his Wisconsin fan base

Aaron Rodgers deciding to stop eating cheese is absolute fucking bullshit. It's a slap in the face to his entire fan base. ... Aaron Rodgers is basically telling all of his fans, all the hardworking people in Wisconsin that buy his jersey ... You just told them they're all fat asses and losers.