Takes

The Eagles will cover against the Vikings because Kirk Cousins will be overconfident after beating the Giants

My underdog is Philly +3 at Minnesota. I love this. This feels like the Kirk Cousins wins a 'big game' but it's not really a big game because it's one o'clock on a Sunday so he can say well Kirk Cousins won the big game just to fool everyone a little bit more. He beat the Giants on the road... I feel like he's overlooking the Eagles at home.

My 'Can't Lose' Parlay for Week 5 is the Bears, Eagles, Patriots, and Chiefs

The Can't Lose Parlay of the week. It cannot lose. Drumroll. The Bears, Khalil Mack, revenge game. Philly, they're not losing to the Jets. The Patriots, they're not losing to the Redskins. And then you get to just sit back and enjoy the Sunday night football game and have the Chiefs.

The Bills-Titans game will eventually decide who gets a wildcard spot in the AFC

Bill's Titans is my loser leaves town game because... whoever wins this game is going to have the tiebreaker. And I think this could be the game that eventually decides who gets that wildcard spot.

Jay Gruden played Dwayne Haskins early just to prove to the front office that he wasn't ready

I actually think it was [Jay Gruden] saying fuck you to Dan Snyder and Bruce Allen who want him to play Dwayne Haskins. He put Dwayne Haskins in knowing he was going to fuck up just to be like, see, I told you he wasn't ready.

Teddy Bridgewater can't throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field

I don't think Teddy Bridgewater can throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field. So I like that under.

The Ravens are severely overrated

I do think the Ravens are severely overrated. ... They've done a major comeback to earth for the last couple weeks.

The Titans will win and win convincingly against the Falcons

If a Mike Vrabel coached team is an underdog and people are counting them out, that's when you bet on them. So just take them because this is a game that the Titans will win and win convincingly.

Patrick Mahomes will throw for 6,000 yards

He's still going to throw for 6,000 yards. When I say he's taken a step back, I mean he went from 100 out of 100 to like 99.5 out of 100.

The Broncos are in a true must-win situation and will finally get a victory against the Jaguars

I think Denver finally wins again. And Denver is in a true must-win, like the season's over if we don't win.

The Browns will cover the seven-point spread easily against the Ravens

I think the Browns are going to cover seven easy. I think the Browns are going to win this game because they need it more than anyone else. I think the Ravens are slightly overrated, and the Browns are underrated, and seven seems like too much.

My 'No-Lose' Parlay: Colts, Chiefs, and Rams Moneyline

This is going to be my no-lose parlay of the week... Colts, no chance they lose to the Raiders. Chiefs, no chance they lose to the Lions. Rams, no chance they lose to the Bucs... It will not lose. And if it does, pretend that you don't know me.

The Chiefs will cover -6.5 against the Ravens

I will go with... The Chiefs, minus six and a half, because are we sure the Ravens are as good as they think? I don't think that we are sure. They beat the Dolphins, who stink, and they barely beat the Cardinals on the road.

The Browns aren't as good as people think, so I'm taking the Rams to beat them

Essentially, my logic is that the Browns aren't as good as people are giving them credit for. I'm taking the Rams.

The Lions are better than people realize and will cover +6.5 against the Eagles

For the third week in a row, I'm taking the Detroit Lions. Plus six and a half. Don't sleep on the Lions. I still think they're a little bit better than people give them credit for. I think the Eagles are the better team, but offensive line issues, basically every wide receiver they had got injured last week. I think this might be a little bit closer.

The Packers and Broncos will hit the under 43

I'm taking the Packers and Broncos under 43. The Broncos last 10 games, 10 unders. And the Packers defense is good. I think that's going to be the easiest under of the week.

I am betting the Jets +6.5 against the Browns on Monday Night Football

I'm going to take the Jets on Monday night. Are you really? Yeah. Dude, this is a classic situation where everyone freaks out and everyone's like, oh, Sam Darnold's out. The Jets stink now. And it's six and a half points. And Trevor Simmons, he might not win the game, but he'll be good enough to keep him around.

If the Bears lose to the Broncos and Joe Flacco, I will have a full-blown meltdown

I have been threatening all week that I will melt down if the Bears lose to the shitty Broncos and the even shittier Joe Flacco. If the Bears lose on Sunday. It's a meltdown. I'm promising a meltdown. I will stomp my feet. I will say mean things to people around me that I will later on regret... I might even cry a little. I'm going to yell at people. I'm going to tweet at people really mad. The Bears cannot lose this game.

The Patriots will cover -18.5 against the Dolphins

I know it's a crazy line. It's outrageous, but it's one of those things where there's going to be no better thrill than rooting for the Patriots to cover 18 and a half. I can unbiasedly tell you that the Patriots are going to cover 18 and a half.

The Dolphins will cover +18.5 against the Patriots

I like the Dolphins [at +18.5]. And it's one of these things where the universe is taunting me, saying you won't take the shitty Dolphins, possibly the worst team in the last five years of the NFL. But everyone's talking about how bad they are... I'm going to count wins against the spread here as wins for the Dolphins.

The Bills will beat the Giants and cover -1.5

My favorite. I'm going to go with the Bills. Minus one and a half on the road. I like the Bills. I hate the Giants. I hate Pat Shurmur. I hate Eli Manning's stupid face in this game.

The Bengals will beat the 49ers and cover -2

I like the Bengals, minus two. I think the 49ers, a little bit of a fraudulent win week one. Their defense played well, but Jimmy Garoppolo did not... I think the Bengals, you saw it. They actually run a 2019 offense now... I think the Bengals are going to cover at home. Minus two.

I am betting the Falcons as my underdog pick for Week 2

I'm back on my bullshit. I'm taking the Falcons as my underdog. I don't give a fuck... When you lose on a team, you then chase that team forever until you get satisfaction.

The Buccaneers' offense will be a lot better this year because of Bruce Arians.

I like Bruce Arians. I like Jameis Winston more than I like them last year. I think that the offense is going to be a lot better.

The Lions' defense will 'fuck up' the Cardinals in Week 1

I think the Detroit Lions are Going to be a little bit better than people expect. I think their defense is going to be very good and I think their defense will fuck up the Cardinals week one. Kyler Murray not-ready-for-prime-time.

The Dolphins +6.5 is a 'dog' that will cover against the Ravens because of 'Fitzmagic'

My dog is the Dolphins plus 6.5 against the Ravens at home. My seven-win Dolphins. Ryan Fitzmagic. It's early in the season. ... All I'm going off of is last year Ryan Fitzpatrick played well when he first got in.

The Jaguars will beat the Chiefs in Week 1

Every jackass out there is going to be betting on the Chiefs. Not me. I'm going to take the Jags and win because I'm smart.

An Eagles, Seahawks, and Ravens moneyline parlay is a lock that cannot lose

The Philadelphia Eagles at home against the [Redskins] win. Seahawks at home against the Bengals. The Ravens in Miami. All the money line parlay even money. How does that lose? It cannot lose.

The NFC North will be the toughest division in the NFL this year

I actually think the NFC North going to be the toughest division this year.

The Broncos are too low at 24 and will finish in the top 16 of the NFL

I think the Broncos are too low at 24... the Broncos are going to finish in the top 16.

The Broncos will stink and won't score points until they move on from Joe Flacco

Until they get away from Joe Flacco, they're going to stink though. They're not going to score points.

I'm worried that Tom Brady missing OTAs is the beginning of the end for the Patriots

I want to use this occasion to point out maybe a more serious issue, and that's that Tom Brady isn't at OTAs either. So is this the beginning of the end for the Patriots?

The Dolphins will hit the Over on their 2019 win total

The fact that there was only one person that picked their team to finish with a worse record than Vegas, that means that we have to take the over for the Dolphins. We got to fucking hammer that over on Dolphins.

Trent Richardson's Pro Football Hall of Fame comeback starts this weekend in the AAF

Hall of Fame comeback starts this weekend for Trent Richardson.

I'm taking the Cowboys to win or cover against the Rams

Cowboys at Rams. Rams are minus seven... I'm taking the Cowboys. And I'm just saying it out loud. I do this every single divisional round. I always overstate what I've seen from wildcard rounds. So in my mind, I always go to divisional round and say, well, the Cowboys are 1-0 in their last one, and the Rams haven't played in a week... So the Cowboys are hot.

I'm taking the Chargers to beat the Patriots

I love Phil Rivers in this game. I like their running game. I like their defense... I'm taking the Chargers, baby.

If the Texans get a first-round bye, they will go to the Super Bowl

I firmly believe that if the Texans get a bye, they will probably go to the Super Bowl. If they don't, no.

If Green Bay beats Chicago, they are going to the playoffs

Green Bay wins this game, and they're going to the playoffs. Because there are a lot of things that have to happen for Green Bay to make the playoffs, and they're all going to happen. But the big question mark is, can they win this game?

The Buccaneers will cover +7.5 against the Ravens

My walk of the week is going to be the Bucs. Maybe even sprinkle a little bit. The Bucs. [Against] The Ravens. Plus seven and a half.

The Panthers should cut Cam Newton if they lose to the Browns

Panthers, by the way... if you lose this, maybe cut Cam Newton. Cut him. Straight up cut him.

Andy Reid was a 'candy ass' for praising the Raiders after beating them

Andy Reid was a candy ass last weekend after they beat the Raiders on the road. He gave him a big pat on the back and said, I love you guys. Great win. ... Andy, I don't think that it was [a good football team].

I'm riding the Mark Sanchez train with the Redskins

I'm riding the Sanchez train. ... Really glad they didn't sign Kaepernick because he didn't fit the style of Mark Sanchez.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

The Packers shouldn't even bother with playoff graphics if they don't beat the Cardinals by 21

If the Packers have any chance of going to the playoffs, they've got to win this game by like 21... If they don't win this game by 21, don't even do the graphics. Don't even worry about it. The Cardinals are that bad.

Adam Thielen is better than Calvin Johnson because he broke the consecutive 100-yard games record

Adam Thielen's better than Calvin Johnson. True. Fact. His [Calvin's] best record just got broken by Adam Thielen, bro.

This is the week the Patriots propel themselves back to the top of the NFL

Everyone's been talking about the Rams, Chiefs, Saints. They've all been kind of shown as frauds. They have weaknesses. This will be the week the Pats propel themselves back to the top of the league.

I'm taking the Bears -3.5 against the Lions on Thanksgiving

Right now the Bears are favored by 3.5 points. I like the Bears. The defense looks legit... I would take them by 10.

I'm taking the Redskins +7.5 against the Cowboys on Thanksgiving

Listen, 7.5 is a lot to give to Colt McCoy. Colt McCoy, he's a cowboy killer... I'm going to take the Redskins.

I'm taking the under in the Redskins-Cowboys Thanksgiving game

I think the under's the way to go here. 40 and a half? Yeah, I feel like both these teams are going to struggle often. They both have good defenses.

The Cowboys-Falcons loser is eliminated from the playoffs

Loser leaves town... Cowboys-Falcons. That's the game. The loser of that game will officially be eliminated, similar to the Seahawks-Packers game.

The Cowboys will give their fans just enough hope to break their hearts

The Cowboys can't go out in a normal way. They can't lose and not make the playoffs by just being bad. They have to do it in a heartbreaking way. So we have not heard the last of the Cowboys this season.