Takes

Space exploration isn't interesting until we actually land a human on Mars.

I kind of just don't care until we go to Mars. Call me when we're at Mars. I wanna see us on the moon again. How is that possible that we went on the moon in the sixties and we just never went back on it? Go to Mars or go back on the moon.

I am going to do a 72-hour fast to reset my system

I'm thinking about doing a 72 hour fast... People help me out. Let me know if I can do a 72 hour fast... I wanna test myself. Can I stop my addiction to food for 48 hours? Probably not.

My coaching style isn't old school, it's the right school

When you say old school, it really does hit a sore spot with me... it's not old school. It's right school. I don't want to do anything old school. I want to do it the right way and the right way's been done for not 20 years, not 40 years, 100 years. You know, you hold people accountable. You play for the name on the front, not the back.

The altitude on airplanes causes people to cry during movies

I was tearing up [at the F1 movie]. It's the altitude. The altitude. I didn't even like the movie that much, but the end got me and they like, oh, it's 'cause you were on a plane. That's a thing.

Good laser tag exists and it kicks ass

Laser tag kicks ass. There's good laser tag places, there's bad laser tag places. If we set it up right, it would be good. Laser tag done properly kicks ass.

Silver or Bronze in figure skating is more impressive than in a race

I think getting silver or bronze in figure skating is more impressive than silver or bronze in a race. Because silver and bronze in a race is like, yeah, you just weren't the fastest. Like there's only one fastest. But if someone walked in like, I got silver in the 100 meter dash, you're not the fastest. Silver in figure skating? Holy shit, that's impressive.

Trader Joe's is the 'second wife' of grocery stores

Trader Joe's is nice for a fling, but that's not a grocery store you marry. I think it's your second wife. First marriage you go with like a Kroger or a Food Lion... then you get divorced and Trader Joe's has all that stuff that you like. So then you know more your second time around.

The Olympics should have a permanent home in Hammond, Indiana, to avoid wasting money and time zone issues

Just build a permanent Olympics in Hammond, Indiana... every time they do the Olympics, if you look at, you know, Rio and all these places, it just becomes a waste of money... I don't like the Olympics when it's not in our time zone.

My 'dinner simulator' habit of building food orders and not buying them is a sign of good self-control

Instead of going and making myself a snack or making myself food or ordering food, I'll just pull up the apps, Uber Eats... and I'll just like put together an order of what I would order if I were to get something. And then I clear my cart and I go to bed... It's really good self-control.

I might get evicted because my alarm clock went off for two days while I was on vacation

I accidentally kind of alarm clock too close to the sun recently... I had left my alarm clock plugged in... My alarm clock is going off like today and yesterday. We're gonna have to take like a meeting here... There's a world where like, I'm the worst neighbor of all time and I just left my irrationally loud alarm clock going.

Every person is a Dungeons and Dragons fan, they just don't know it yet

We all are D&D guys. We all, we just don't know it yet.

Amateur kid mentalists are scarier than the professional ones

There was just a kid at summer camp... last year too showed up was a high school kid and was literally guessing my pin number for my ATM account. If you can do that and other people can do that, that's almost scarier. Like they're just living among us.

Wolves teach superior values like community and sacrifice compared to human parenting

The wolves taught him [Big Cat] well. It taught him about community, talking about teamwork, sacrifice. Nature being noble, humility, pack above self.

I am the reason my father is dead because he died during my birth

My father Mr. Tradewind was actually like the greatest dad ever. But he passed away during childbirth... Mama Tradewind said that I reminded her too much of the barbarian father and that's why she cast me out... the reason that I'm alive, he is dead.

Going to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl is actually a punishment

The Disney world thing that they have to do is just punishment. Sam Darnold and Kenneth Walker being in the teacups right after the game when it's like all you wanna do is party with your boys. That sucks.

No one ever needs to actually 'check out' of a hotel

I've never checked out of a hotel in my entire life... The most I've ever done is once in a while... put your room key in here when you leave. Other than that... I think I threw it in the trash.

Alex Honnold is a 'fucking idiot' for his free solo climbs

He's a fucking idiot. And I hated every second of it... as a person who's terrified of heights watching him get up to those bamboo rings...stood up at the top in the wind forever. Fuck this guy. I can't watch any more of it.

My dream retirement is to hire a pitcher I can hit home runs off of every single day

My dream is to have like a shit load of land and build a baseball field... I wake up on a Tuesday at 9:00 AM, I go down to my baseball field. There's a pitcher down there who's gonna pitch me and I'm just gonna go fucking yard on him over and over and he's gonna be like, 'fuck, I don't have it today.'

I would rather pay DraftKings $40,000 than pay Hank $40,000 for a lost bet.

I would rather pay DraftKings $40,000 than pay [Hank] 40,000. It's the ultimate emotional hedge spot for me. Worst case scenario, I lose my money, but I would gladly pay that much money for the Patriots to lose.

Eating hundreds of dollars of candy before starting a diet is a legitimate strategy to bulk up and lose weight faster

This has happened probably, I don't know, 25 times in my life where I am gearing up for a diet and then the couple weeks before I just go so hard in unhealthiness just to bulk up to the point where I can lose weight fast. I am in that phase... the actual order was $225 worth of candy.

Taking apart a microwave is fatal because it contains an electric bomb

Do never, do not ever take apart a microwave because you'll die. You'll get electrified. They've got like a bomb inside of them. ... You have a nuclear weapon in your kitchen.

Wind turbines should be banned from the ocean because they destroy ecosystems

I'll stand up business on, on wind getting wind turbines out of the ocean. I don't really care one way or the other about the ones on land... I was on a boat off of Block Island and the captain was telling me about how a wind turbine broke and the pieces of the wind turbine were just completely destroying the ecosystem of the ocean.

Jonathan Taylor is a top-three human being in the entire world

He is a workhorse, and what he's done in the NFL too is awesome to see. And man, his ability speaks volumes and he's even a way better person than he is a player too. Like, no, he is the most genuine human being. [He's a top three human] in my opinion. [In the entire world].

I will retire from 50/50 raffles forever if the Cubs lose when I win

If the Cubs lose tomorrow and I win the 50 50, I will 100% retire from 50 50 for the rest of my life. That's a fact. Because then it would just be like, you literally only won on losses, on big playoff losses. That is a fact.

I can chug a beer faster than Colts center Quentin Nelson

Ask [Quentin Nelson] if Big Cat can chug a beer faster than him because the answer is yes. And I did that... I was like eventually, like I think he might just strangle me.

Saudi sports washing is working because everyone eventually accepts the money

Credit to [the Saudis]. They kind of, they're doing a pretty good job. They just, because everyone just is like, 'Yeah, I'll come.' It's working. LeBron, us—if they ask us—everybody... I'll do anything for a hundred million dollars. Anything. It doesn't matter what it is.

Above-ground pools are 'very good' and belong in the Hall of Very Good

Our second pick is going to be above ground pools. ... They're very good. They're very fun. I've had a fun time in an aboveground. ... So much better than no pool.

Canada is a 'Hall of Very Good' country, but not a top-three country

Our next pick is gonna be Canada as a country, which is very good. Not Hall of Fame country... They're just very good. Seems pretty good... But have they ever been in history, a top three country? No. No. And that's okay. They're like the Scottie Pippen of countries.

The Stanley Cup tumbler craze is overhyped because it is just a cup

We're gonna take Stanley cups, drinkware, the big fucking Stanley Cups that everyone goes crazy about. All the women love it. Don't understand the hypes... It's literally just a cup... they're almost like beanie babies, like the newer version of Beanie Babies where people collect different colors.

Cold plunges are a form of performative suffering for wealthy people

It was widely considered like one of the worst parts of our week when like everyone on our team had to do a cold plunge and then out of nowhere it has just become widely known as like the best thing that people are like paying to go do for luxury... life is so easy that they like to do something that makes them feel pain... I heard about this on a podcast.

The hype around being an adult is unmerited; everyone rushes to grow up for no reason

Being an adult, I don't understand the hype on like being an adult. Everyone. You're as growing up. Everyone was like, I can't wait to get older, get older, get older. And I'm like, why are we rushing these things?... I don't get the hype on everyone wanting to age so quickly... I just, not all the aspects are the best.

A girl throwing with perfect form is one of the hottest things imaginable

Throwing a perfect spiral. It is so sexy. The Kelsey Plum video... A girl throwing with perfect form is so hot. It's a regular thing... when a girl does it, it's so hot.

I can't wait to use a handicapped parking spot when I'm old

Handicapped parking. I can't wait to fucking do it... Primo spots. Oh, I always pass it. I'm like, obviously don't want, I'm very thankful to be able to be able, but if you're old, that's a good, that's a good deal.

If you have to light yourself on fire for a trick, it's not cool enough

If you have to light yourself on fire, the trick's not cool enough to start with.

Glow-in-the-dark skeleton pajamas are the 'good suits' of pajamas

But you also have glow in the dark pajamas. Those are, those aren't regular pajamas. Those are the good suits of pajamas.

Riding a bike as an adult is overrated compared to being good at golf

Guess what? Riding a bike. Overrated When you become adult. Golf is way more useful. Like I would trade being able to ride a bike for being able to golf well instantly.

You should never eat salad because salads are killers.

Don't eat salad. Salads are killers. [Dustin May] almost died. He choked on a salad, went down the wrong pipe... then he had Tommy John right after that. Happy he is with us. Don't eat salad.

Toronto is the best city in the world

Toronto's the best city in the world easily. Chicago summers are the second best. Those are my two favorite places in the world.

A toe is the best body part to injure if you have to pick one

I would say though that if you were to pick one body part on your body to be injured, it's probably your toe.

Cutting dairy from my diet cured my chronic knee pain in three weeks

I was having knee issues and I was... I needed to make some adjustments... I told myself, I'm gonna do it [go dairy free] for a month... probably about three weeks into it, honestly, I felt so much better. My body just felt fresher... I attributed it to the lack of dairy at the time.

George Kittle and Kyle Long are the two athletes most likely to accidentally injure you during horseplay

The two guys that I will always say that, when you are around them, whether it be drinking or just being around them and you're worried about maybe a little bit of wrestling and horseplay that will get you very, very injured: it's George Kittle and Kyle Long. Both those guys, I'm just like, I'm always just kind of ready to be tackled and have all my insides ripped up.

The World Series of Poker should embrace its bad boy William Kass to save the game from 'robot' players

The World Series of Poker is gonna do the opposite thing that they should do. They should embrace this guy because these type of people... you need personalities. You need people that are aggravating. You don't need people who are robots who are playing by an algorithm and just going through it.

Hearing people describe their poker beats is more boring than hearing people describe their dreams

I actually think that hearing people describe their poker beats might be more boring than hearing people describe their dreams.

Disney World with kids is the absolute worst place in the world to be violently hungover

Disney World with kids would be hell on earth. Because then you actually actively have to parent and chase them around and worry about where they're being and stand in lines and eat gross food. I actually don't think that there's, I've never been to Disney World as a kid or an adult, but I think that might be the worst place in the world.

Football is not a breakfast sport; it is a beer sport meant for the afternoon and evening

Everything's just two nights in a row. ... I don't like the idea of waking up and having breakfast while football's coming up. Football is not a breakfast sport. Tennis is a breakfast sport. Golf can be a breakfast sport. ... Football is a beer sport.

Lamar Jackson is a dream rotation choice to smoke weed with

You gotta put Lamar [Jackson] in the top tier, right? For sure. Lamar is absolutely the top tier of that. A hundred percent.

The 'Micro Retirement' trend is just Gen Z trying to rebrand regular vacations

There's a new fad for Gen Zers. It is called Micro Retirements. They involve taking a one to two week break from work every 12 to 18 months. They're basically just stealing [vacations]. It's also not enough. No, it's not enough. It's not enough. But that's, but you can't let them steal the word vacation. They're trying to change it to micro retirements. Yeah. That makes no sense. Yeah, it's crazy. They're trying to rebrand it.

Brian Steele is the greatest defense attorney of all time

Brian Steele might just be the greatest defense attorney of all time... he has beat racketeering charges for his clients for the second time... Young Thug... Sean Combs.

It is embarrassing for a grown man to wear a bike helmet

You just can't, you just look like a fucking fool and you look like an idiot. Especially when you get off the bike and you're like, walking without the bike.

It's embarrassing for a person to use an umbrella even though it's better than getting wet

Holding an umbrella... even though it's obviously way better than being wet... there's something about holding an umbrella that just sucks.