Takes

I saw a bright circle UFO in Austin, Texas

Literally like, we got the, the screen on the car's real bright... Emily's in the passenger seat. She's looking at her phone, this like, like circle shape object. Like bright as hell. Literally just goes from right here and goes straight down. She was looking at her phone... it was so bright that she looked up and saw it too and it just like disappeared. Like completely disappeared.

I would kill Hitler if I was on the 1936 Olympic team

I think I would wanna be Jesse Owens and just win gold medal Right. in Hitler's face... And I would kill Hitler while I was there. Kill Hitler.

Taxes are optional in Greece

In Greece, taxes are optional. And then their economy just crumbles every like 10, 15 years. They're like, Hey, we should probably start paying taxes. ... I looked, I just, I just Googled that. Yes. Currently more than half of Greek households are exempt from any personal income tax.

Titties are a type of meat

Titties is meat. Great choice. ... They're made out of meat. ... Is it the Mount Rushmore meat that you eat? Fact or fiction. ... I enjoy looking at the meat.

The July 4th holiday is ruined by Joey Chestnut's absence from the Nathan's hot dog contest

America's on the Hot Seat because it just dawned on me again that Joey Chestnut's not competing. That fucking sucks. One of the things that makes it the best holidays is just not gonna be there. And I think we all just need to be like ready for it because it's gonna suck beyond belief.

We are going to take Dungeons and Dragons seriously and try to complete the mission this time

We're taking it seriously this time we're gonna try to complete the mission. Tim is electric as always and it's a great, great listen.

I am going to replace Hank as the person who gets killed and fucked in this Dungeons and Dragons adventure

I just know how this is gonna go. I'm just gonna replace Hank is the guy who gets killed and fucked.

Nothing is hotter than asking for consent even when you know you already have it

It was nothing's hotter than asking for consent when you know that you have it. I think a lot of problems. I agree.

It is better to be a good guy with an axe than a good guy without one

Good guy with an axe though. Absolutely. Better than a bad guy with an ax. Would rather be a good guy with an axe than a good guy without wanting to come across.

I am going to kill Max's eagle as soon as possible

I might have texted and said that we gotta kill Max's eagle ASAP.

We are definitely going to kill Hank in the next Dungeons and Dragons episode

But I, it was good team building and we're definitely gonna kill him in the the follow up episode. 100%.

CrossFit is the ultimate hobby that consumes a person's life and language

CrossFit. It consumes your life. You have to start recruiting other people to go to CrossFit. You put stickers all over your cars, stickers on your laptops... The one that they, they speak in CrossFit language. Yeah. And they, they ask each other constantly. How'd you do on the workout of the day?

Dog influencers use their pets' social media accounts to get dates

How often do you think fucking happens between two dog owners or a dog owner with that Instagram handle of their dog and uses the DMs to fuck? ... She slid into my goldendoodle's DMs... not Ms. Peaches because Dave is famous in his own right. I'm talking about like the people who have no fame, but their dog has insane fame. You definitely use that dog to fuck, right? A hundred percent yes.

I can chug a beer faster than Taylor Lewan

I can chug faster than Taylor... [Lewan] put it down in like 3.8 seconds... the boot? ... I can't [do] that. One beer. [But] I beat Dana Beers too.

I am officially retired from drinking games

I retired from drinking games. I put out a press release... I'm just washed, dude. I'm so washed... I retired from drinking games. What led to the retirement? I'm just washed, dude... you're never supposed to retire right after the season... I left myself open to unretire, but I'm retired as of right now.

Hank has 24 hours to shave his head

24 hours... because then now you're people like you, Hank will be the reason why we struggle next year because we're trying to get ready for the next season... The longer you play that, the longer we're living in the past.

A Celtics and Panthers money line parlay is a lock for Monday night

The fact that the Panthers then lost eight to one in the exact same setup made me feel like both teams are just gonna like, listen, I'm not a gambling expert, but a Panthers Celtics money line parlay game five feels like it could potentially happen.

Vanny Woodhead's repair is a Spring 2025 project

I think you think that Vanny needs like new tires? No, you're thinking like you want Xzibit to walk in. We also need a new engine. Vanny needs new wiring. Vanny needs literally everything. It doesn't work. No, this is is Spring 25 project. One year from now. Vanny Woodhead is gonna be rocking.

The El Camino is the 'mullet' of cars

One word to describe El Camino and it's bitching. This ride is fucking sweet. 1970 SS racing stripe cherry red. I'm actually thinking about getting a mullet as an accessory to my car. I like that because the, the El Camino is a mullet of cars. Yeah. It's business in the front party in the back.

The NFL season should start in late October and run through April to preserve the summer

I kind of wish football season was in a different part of the year... I find myself trying to wish away the summer, which is the best season in terms of weather... I kind of wish we had summer after football season... if football started in late October and went till April and then it's like summer.

Living in the Northeast keeps you in a state of constant mayhem and anxiety

You don't realize the Northeast, Philly and New York, it's like you're constantly under mayhem. Your angst is up, your anxiety's flying. You're just angry for no reason.

It is impossible to be a sports fan on the same level in California as it is in the Northeast

If my team loses a big game and it's like, oh, it's 70 degrees and go to the beach. I just don't think you hold it in the same. . . You go, I'm sitting at a beach. My team just lost. Who do I think I am?

A healthy relationship requires constant bickering and conflict

I think a healthy relationship requires a bunch of that [bickering]. . . It was a perfect storm of living together. Then you're getting into lifestyle differences. . . that person's gonna get it.

People catching and eating cicadas at baseball games will be a viral trend this summer

We're gonna see more and more, I predict this summer of just cicada cam. Just people just grabbing a cicada and eating it on camera. . . normalize it.

Never have Bryce Harper help you with a promposal because he is too attractive

You don't wanna stand next to somebody way more attractive than you when asking such an important question... mission accomplished, but now did she say yes just because she wanted to give Bryce Harper a hug?

Snake is the greatest video game ever created

Snake was the greatest game ever created. Brick Breaker, probably a year of my career. My former career was Brick Breaker, just trying to beat it.

The EA Sports College Football franchise is the best video game franchise ever

The EA Sports College Football franchise... Best franchise in all video games. I agree. That's a solid take. That's good take.

Gronk is actually a savant with numbers

I'm telling you right now. Gronk knows numbers, bro... whenever we used to talk contracts... I would always bust his balls like, yo, what's square root of this, Gronk? 144. He'd be like 12, dude! Like, he really knows numbers pretty well, dude. Not joking.

Shaving your head and growing a beard is the only move for balding men

Shave it and grow a beard... my thing was, which I held onto it for a while... and I finally got... I found this barber... He goes 'Dude you need to just shave your fucking head.' That's, yeah, I think you're right dude. It's tough. I shave it. It was just, you know, bullied me into shaving my head.

Every hobby a man has is designed primarily to attract women

It's from Ed Latimore, former professional boxer... All of your hobbies and ambitions are to attract women. Nature doesn't care how much personal fulfillment you get from them. Those things are cool, but they're coincidental positive externality to the Prime objective to keep the species going. Every hobby that you have is designed to attract women.

Gambling is the least attractive hobby a man can have

I mean, my only hobby is gambling... I think gambling has to be the least attractive thing to a woman if you're good at it. Not if you're good... gambling, golfing, flight simulators, helicopter parenting turtles, combos, Call of Duty, going for walks. Max clogging toilets.

Secretariat's body should be exhumed and drug tested to protect the integrity of sports records

I'm going to go one further than Jason Kelce. I will say they should dig up Secretariat's body and test them. Drug test them. It's the only record in sports that has never been broken in terms of like speed or power for all these years. Every other sport has gotten better since the 1970s and we're saying horse racing is the one that hasn't? Dig that horse up.

Zero NFL players could make an NBA roster tomorrow, while one or two NBA players could make the NFL

There's no way 30 guys from the NBA could make a roster in the NFL tomorrow. I think maybe one or two could make a roster... but there's zero guys on NFL roster right now who could play on an NBA roster. The height, the skill level with dribbling and shooting is on a completely different level.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

If a team gets eliminated within one week of the playoffs starting, the playoff appearance never really happened

I have a hard and fast rule when it comes to the playoffs. If you get eliminated within a single week, it never really happened... No one's gonna remember you're in the playoffs, which is probably for the better.

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.

The more successful you are, the closer you are to losing

The closer you are to winning, the closer you are to losing. Right? So like, you saw it at UFC 300... most people can't handle the fact that you think you beat your opponent, but now you still have to fight them.

I refuse to walk through revolving doors because you are a sitting duck if they get stuck

I won't walk through revolving doors. Because like one of them gets stuck, then you're just a sitting duck. Avoid them. Get stuck, you're, you're screwed.

I never sit with my back to the door in restaurants so I can always have a vantage point

I never sit with my back to the door like you in a restaurant. I never sit with my back to the door. You always gotta sit to where You can have a vantage point of like, everything that's going on around you.

Skinny jeans are a joke and it is impossible to look tough while wearing them

I think that certain fads out there, certain trends are just set up as a joke by the industry to see what these suckers will pay for and start wearing. I think the entire skinny jeans movement was like that. You can't, in my opinion, you can't look tough wearing skinny jeans.

Hitchhiking should be brought back because it was generally safe

Bring back hitchhiking. Hitchhiking was safe. I feel like hitchhiking got a bad rap because there were a couple serial killers out there. Almost 100% of hitchhikers ended without a serial killer encounter.

The solar eclipse was overrated

So my Hot Seat is us. We're still in the third dimension. I was kind of looking forward to it. So that was, it was gonna be cool throne, but I kind of was hoping we were in the hot fourth dimension. So, well, eclipse sucked, overrated eclipse.

The US will be under a massive cyber attack sooner rather than later

I suggest you take out all your money outta your bank and stop using credit cards for the next few months until I can give you the green light again. We will be under a cyber attack sooner rather than later. Just looking out, I'm in communication with the very important person for one of, if not the biggest software companies in the world.

The eclipse and the CERN particle collider will send us into the fourth dimension

They're turning CERN on the day of the eclipse. And I believe the research is they're trying to reach a fourth dimension... Once the the moon covers the sun when it comes back, like we'll be in the fourth dimension. Like everything will be different.

I'm getting a gambling turtle named Mr. Pear to make picks on the show

I like it done. Mr. Pear. Mr. Pear... we'll stamp the slices of pears with the different logos. Yeah. And that will be, that will be how he picks his games. Which pair Mr. Pear. And we should never discipline him. Never.

Flacco the Owl was a slut

Even though I don't, I I I'll still stand with my take that Flacco the owl was a slut. Big time slut. I guess the pigeon herpes might've been because he was eating pigeons. ... I'm sticking with full on slut shaming a flacco. You were a slut. That's how you got the herpes.

I wake up every day believing I have accomplished nothing

The only way I know how to live life is to go through every life, each and every day. Like I've accomplished nothing. And the way in life to accomplish everything is to wake up each and every day believing that you accomplish nothing.

You must wear a golf shirt to a golf tournament

I'm fine with crying. But you have to wear a golf shirt to a golf tournament... I don't think [there are many T-shirts]. Even sweatpants [are a problem].

Disney adults are weird and scary

I live in California. I live in Southern California. When I see all these people that have like yearly passes and I'm like, you guys have kids? And they're like, no. And I'm like, okay. I don't think we can talk anymore... It scares me.

I am not scared of Chicago winters after my first year living there

I just, I don't know. It, it's been incredible. There's been four bad days and two of them had playoff football on. I lived in Massachusetts, New Hampshire. Those are way worse. I'm not scared of the winter here. That's my point.