Takes

Carson Wentz proposing to his girlfriend right after the Super Bowl was a smart move to protect his job

Did you see Carson Wentz propose to his girlfriend today too? ... That's actually really smart on Wentz's part because his job is being questioned by some people. And the person who may have taken your job [Nick Foles] also is packing an absolute unit. And so you have to lock that shit down.

Amazon's no-employee stores are the beginning of the robot takeover

Amazon opened its first no-employee store... I'm pretty sure this is exactly how the robot takeover starts... I think we're all fucked. So this is basically 1984. This is Big Brother. It exists, but it exists in supermarkets.

Humans, not rats, were the true cause of the Bubonic Plague

My Cool Throne is rats... turns out they didn't cause the bubonic plague. Really? We've been blaming rats for the last, like, 600 years. Turns out we're way off. No, it's humans. We were projecting on rats.

The Illuminati is not real

Here's my take. I don't think the Illuminati is real. I've actually been doing a lot of thinking about this today. If the Illuminati was real, they would be so powerful that they would eventually sue somebody who came after [them]... If they were actually real, they would shut that shit down.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.

Hugging in the workplace is creepy and should be abolished

I think the only thing that's more creepy than hugging somebody at work is writing an article complaining about not being able to hug people at work anymore. ... Hugging sucks. I disavow hugging in general. Fuck hugs.

2017 should just end already because it has been a terrible year

Gosh, can 2017 just end already? Hot seat 2017. Also Cool Throne 2016 though... It sucks that 2017 now sucks.

High school is useless and you don't learn anything you use as an adult

I'm kind of in agreement with [LaVar Ball] because who needs high school? Name one thing that you learned in high school that you used today. That's what I thought. No. You don't learn shit in high school.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

The government has already won the spying game because everyone willingly put Alexa listening devices in their homes

Big Brother, you thought that the government was going to start putting robots in our houses. They just flipped the script and they're like, everyone has to go buy those stupid Alexa things. And they willingly put it in their house. And now we've been spied on. And now it's over. If you buy an Alexa, you're done. It has your credit card information. You're done.

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Birds in the Western US are facing mass extinction due to declining water habitats

My hot seat is birds... A report came out from the Audubon Society... water and birds in the arid west... it's a problem. Habitats are in decline because water's going away. And so birds are going to face like a mass extinction out in the Western part of America.

Pigeons will eventually be the only birds left on Earth

The world is going to end up in a place where the pigeons are the king birds and they're the only birds left. It's going to be in like 100 years, it will just be birds are just pigeons.

If LeBron James gets in a fight when he is horny, it is not his fault

Cool throne, the Ryan Brothers... everyone knows if you get in a fight because you were horny, it doesn't really count. It's not a fight... if you get in a fight when you're horny, it's not your fault.

Rooftops are overrated for drinking

I think that rooftops are actually overrated. I'm a beer garden guy. I'm a beer garden guy and I'm a river guy.

Men wearing rompers will get laid more because everyone can see their package

Actually, this is a combo hot seat cool throne for guys with big dicks because hot seat, you might just be flashing people with your romper cool throne. Everyone can see your big dick. Probably can get laid more.

Mint Juleps are overrated drinks that you only want half of

Mint julep is the ultimate drink where you get really excited about having them on Derby Day... then by the time you get halfway done, you're like, I'll just take a beer.

The Somali Pirates are officially a dynasty because they robbed their first ship in five years

My cool throne Somali Pirates. They robbed a ship for the first time in five years. Hell yes. So they are back.

People who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat

My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.

Society needs to invent dual-temperature comfort zones for living rooms and beds

How has human society not reached the point where we have like dual comfort zones for living rooms? We have them in cars. Would it kill you to put one like in a bed? Like have one side of the bed set to a certain temperature, the other at a different?