Takes

Lock of the Decade: The opening kickoff of Super Bowl 56 will result in a touchback

This is the lock prop of the century. I don't know how this was my decade literally. I can't comprehend it... opening kickoff to result in a touchback minus 112. I love it. The Bengals win the flip, kick fearsome is going to kick it like out of the stadium.

The Bills vs. Chiefs Over 54.5 is my Game of the Year

I've released my game of the year, the third game of the year, over 54 and a half in [Bills vs. Chiefs]... I haven't lost the game of the year yet... when I say game of the year, I put the chips in the middle. I'm putting, I'm putting the chips in the middle. It's going to be a responsibly large wager for me.

If you don't bet the Ravens against the Rams this week, you're a moron

You would be a fucking moron if you're listening to this right now and you don't bet the Ravens. Five out of six of us having the same pick [Rams -3.5]... If you're listening to this right now and you don't bet the Ravens, you're a fucking moron.

I am betting on the Colts to beat the Cardinals out of spite for the Cardinals' Twitter account

I'm going with the Colts, pick them right now... I'll take them as minus a half... the Cardinals need to lose this game and they have to be forced to tweet about it. Yes. Otherwise I like, whatever, I'll stick with it. I think it's been so long that they're cursed no matter what.

Josh Allen is the quarterback who gets bailed out least by the referees in the entire league

Number one quarterback in the entire league [for coverage penalties bailing them out]... It's Aaron Rodgers by a long shot. Last place in the entire league... Josh Allen. It's Josh Allen gets fucked more than any other quarterback in the NFL.

The Cowboys -4.5 at Washington is a 'rat line' and the Cowboys will cover

This week is a lot of rats. Therefore it's week routine Ratatouille and I'm just going to take them all... My favorite is the Cowboys minus four and a half versus the Washington Football Team.

The Titans will beat the Jaguars by 20 points in a 'clown fucking'

My favorite favorite is the Tennessee Titans minus nine and a half at home... I think this is going to be a clown fucking. They're going to put them [Jaguars] in red shoes and a big red nose... I might take an alternate line at minus 20. I think Variable's gonna put it on them.

Jake Fromm has a noodle arm and the Giants won't score many points if he plays

Giants either got Mike Glennon or Jake Fromm. [Fromm] hasn't started a game in the NFL yet. He's got a noodle arm. He might have a noodle arm... I don't think there's going to be many points there for the giants.

My Saints vs. Jets simulations predict an ugly 15-3 game and a massive edge on the under

Saints jets, 43 taking the under... thinking saints 15 jets three. That's what my models have. I did the simulation 30,000 times, 27,000 of those times, the total was under 35 points. This is an A-plus game of the week for me.

The Lions will beat the Vikings moneyline this week

I want the Lions to win, but I'm not... I would not touch them with actual money. Nope... I'll take them Moneyline.

I am betting on the Bills -5.5 against the Saints on Thanksgiving

I'm going to go with the Buffalo Bills. Minus five and a half. ... The Bills have to win this game. ... Trevor Siemian is just not good. ... I still think this is their get right game. If they're going to make a run, they have to win this game. And they have to dominate.

I am betting the Patriots -6.5 against the Titans

I'm taking the Pats minus six and a half. ... I think that the Titans without Derrick Henry are a big time problem. ... I think the Titans are in big-time trouble without Derrick Henry. ... They're pretty banged up offensively.

The Falcons will beat the Jaguars because bird teams are due to move ahead of cat teams all-time

My favorite is going to be the Atlanta Falcons. ... All time in the NFL, bird teams against cat teams are exactly 500. I think it's 209 to 209 and one. They've tied one game. This is going to be the week that it swings in favor of the bird teams.

I am done with the Seahawks; they are a miserable team of has-beens and losers

I think that the Seahawks are just a miserable football team filled with has-beens and losers. ... I hate watching the Seahawks on television. It's probably way worse in person.

I am betting the Vikings-49ers over 48

I'm going to take Vikings 49ers over 48. ... I feel like there's going to be a lot of points in that game. ... reward excellence.

I am betting the Browns-Ravens under 45.5

I'm going to take the Browns Ravens under 45 and a half. It's in Baltimore. It's going to be at night. ... Most importantly, this is a uniform game. The Browns playing against the Ravens at night is an under game. ... It's like a 13-10 game. ... My simulated numbers have it at 37.

The smart bet this season is on teams that failed to cover the previous week when playing against teams that did cover

Betting this year, it's smart to bet on teams that didn't cover the previous week when they're playing against teams that did cover the previous week. In 2021, those teams are 39-14-1... I like the Cowboys, minus 9.5.

The Falcons are a bad matchup for the Cowboys because they cannot exploit the Cowboys' run defense

What the Cowboys' weaknesses are, they were exposed last week against the Broncos because the Broncos were able to run all over them. Falcons can't really run the ball. And they also don't really have a pass rush. So I think Dak [Prescott] will have a ton of time.

The Saints +3 is a great play against the Titans because the matchup makes no sense

I'm going to go with the Saints, plus three at the Titans. And this is my 'it doesn't make any sense' game of the week. I don't want to bet on the Saints, but the fact that I don't want to bet on them so hard makes me want to bet on them harder.

The Panthers +10.5 is a lock against a Cardinals team in a major let-down spot

I like the Panthers plus 10.5 against the Cardinals... I just think this is Cardinals off of an emotional big win with all their backups in San Francisco... Cardinals go, win big game with Colt McCoy in San Francisco, come home, maybe lay an egg against the Panthers.

The Washington Football Team's strategy is to bring good teams down to their level and make every game a 'shit-fest'

The Washington football team [is] being like, hey, we're going to bring a good team down to our level and just make you play a real shit fest.

Trevor Siemian should not be a 6.5-point favorite and the Falcons will win outright

I think that Trevor Siemian should not be a 6.5 point favorite. I think the Falcons are going to win the game outright. Therefore, I'm taking the Saints minus 6.5 [as a fade].

The Bills will cover -14 against the Dolphins

Bills minus 14 covering against Dolphins.

The New Orleans Saints will cover the spread (+5.5) against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I'm taking the Saints plus five and a half. I think this game is gonna be close... I just think the Saints' defense will keep it close. Also... Saints are seven and one straight up and 7-1 as an underdog against a spread in the last three years.

I am going to keep betting on the Raiders as long as Rich Bisaccia is the head coach

I'm going to stay betting on the Raiders until proven otherwise. I loved what [Rich Bisaccia] showed me last week. The guys came out, they played hard. So yeah, I'm not going to jump off that yet.

The Cincinnati Bengals will be officially elevated to a good playoff team if they keep it close or beat the Baltimore Ravens

If the Bengals can keep this close or possibly win this game, they are officially elevated to a good team playoff team. Like, and I think they're right there. I think their defensive played very well.

The Cowboys -3.5 at the Patriots is my favorite bet of the week

My favorite favorite is Cowboys, minus three and a half at the Patriots... I like the Cowboys in this one. Patriots are going to have a long Sunday. I've been looking at the rat lines for the last few weeks and just betting the square side of the rat lines. And it's been a pretty successful strategy for me so far.

The Raiders will bounce back because Rich Bisaccia is a classic football guy

I am all in on this Rich Bisaccia guy... Crying about your men and your opportunities, that's football guy stuff. I think they're gonna bounce back here for a couple weeks and it's gonna be a few weeks before they fall back to earth. I think they're gonna get something out of this guy. I'm all in.

I am officially 'standing my ground' on the Steelers against the Broncos

My personal stand my ground game where if the Steelers don't win this game, I am done not only with the Steelers this season, but done betting on them, just pretending they don't exist. This is the game that if they have any pulse left, it's a pulse check. If they have any pulse left, they will win this game.

The Bills will beat the Chiefs in their Sunday night revenge game

I do think the Bills are going to win this game because I think the revenge factor and also this is one of those games where it's like, which team do you trust more to get a stop? And I would put that on the Bills.

The San Francisco 49ers will regret passing on Justin Fields

Niners got to be regretting passing on [Justin Fields]. I mean, that is a stupid question to be like 10 years from now. Like, what? I don't know. I'm just trying to win one game.

The Browns vs. Chargers game will be a high-scoring over

My over is going to be Browns at Chargers, 47. I like a lot of points in this game.

The loser of the Eagles vs. Panthers game officially stinks

This is an are you for real game... If the Eagles win, it's are you for real? Are you going to be like one of those teams that's hanging around maybe 8-9, 9-8? If the Panthers win this game, I think they're back on track to maybe being a decent team. I'm going to come out of this game thinking the loser stinks.

Garrett Cole will be chased from the Wild Card game after only two innings

Garrett Cole getting chased after two innings would be great. Schwarber going yard off Cole, hitting the ball 500 feet.

The Browns will beat the Vikings because Kevin Stefanski knows all of Minnesota's secrets

I'm going with the Browns minus two. I'm just going simply Kevin Stefanski was a coach for the Vikings for 14 years. He knows everything about them and Myles Garrett and Jadeveon Clowney sack—visualize Myles Garrett and Jadeveon Clowney running free off the edge for Kirk Cousins.

The Chiefs will 'clown' the Eagles and make them look like a clown show

My favorite is the Chiefs minus seven against the Eagles. They're going to absolutely clown [them]. No, literally they're going to make the Eagles look like clowns. Mahomes is going to run around like throw some fucking deep bomb.

The Vikings will win their Week 3 game against the Seahawks.

I think the Vikings are going to win. I think so too. I think the Vikings are going to win. I think this feels like a, you know, the hungry dog runs faster kind of game and also the Seahawks defense still a mess.

The Texans +12.5 is far too many points for an NFL game coming off a win

The Texans... Plus 12 and a half. That's a lot of points in the NFL, especially in week two, especially coming off a win. Too many points. You can feel safe walking in anywhere between now and Sunday being like too many points. So many points. Too many points.

The Seahawks are frauds this year

Seahawks, they might get my fraud stamp. ... My way too early fraud stamp goes to Seattle.

The Eagles will be in contention for the NFC East in mid-November

I feel like that's where they're going to be, I don't know, somewhere in that 7-10. 7-9-1 area where there will be a moment where they're competing for the NFC East sometime in mid-November.

You have to pick Jeremy 'Dynamite' Smith over Hornswoggle in Rough and Rowdy 14

After hearing [Hornswoggle] talk about the fight, when looking at the play Barstool, you have to pick between him or Dynamite. You got to pick Dynamite. Especially after the Ben Askren thing.

Baylor will win the National Championship

I'm going against Joel. I'm going with Baylor. I'm going with our guy Jared [Butler].

Baylor will 'truck' Villanova in the Sweet 16

Baylor's going to truck Villanova. Put it on a board. Put it on a quote board. And I love Villanova... But yeah, Baylor, I've seen that Baylor team. They're going to truck you.

I am betting the biggest bet of my life on the Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl

You're going biggest bet of your life on the Bucs responsibly? Yep. I packed the vest. That's all you need to know. ... The man of vests is in the building.

The Buccaneers can beat the Packers at Lambeau Field

I have talked myself into the Bucs being able to beat the Packers... I have fully talked myself into it. I don't know. I just have talked myself into it. I have talked myself into it.

The NFL will let Patrick Mahomes play in the AFC Championship regardless of his concussion status

I forgot that Roger Goodell was in charge of the NFL. Yeah. You thought for a second that we actually cared about player safety. Roger Goodell probably would delay the game by week... just to make Patrick Mahomes play... their star player is going to play and they'll find any way to spin it that it wasn't a concussion.

The Rams are a lock for the Under every week

Every fucking game [the Rams] play under. I mean, obviously last week, but it still hit. I've been wise to the Rams for [unders]... two months ago.

John Elway passing on Josh Allen in the draft was his biggest failure because Allen is Elway's 'wet dream' of a quarterback

John Elway passed on Josh Allen... this [Josh Allen] was the guy that John Elway spent his entire career looking for when he was drafting Brock Osweiler. He was in his wildest dreams... And he passed. He took Bradley Chubb... This is like John Elway's wet dream of a quarterback.

The Packers will not win the Super Bowl if they continue to struggle against teams with winning records

The Packers are 10 and 3. They're 1 and 2 against teams with winning records. Okay. That's I mean, that's not, if they go 1 and 2, and then they go 1 in 2 in the playoffs, they will not win the Super Bowl. That's true. In fact... but he still wouldn't wear this to win the Super Bowl. That's a fact.

The Bears have a 90% chance to make the playoffs if they win out

If the Bears have a 20% chance to get to the playoffs right now, if they win this game against the Vikings, they have a 43% chance. If they win the following week against the Jags, it's now 53% chance. If they win against the Packers, 90% chance. So if they win out, they have a 90% chance to go to the playoffs.