Takes

The world will end before Dan Snyder sells the Commanders

The fucking world ends before Dan Snyder sells the team. I'm going to, I'm going to take myself out back here.

Drew Brees is going to return to the NFL

Drew Brees... he could be returning to football. He could go back to NBC... usually when someone ends up, they're coming back to play, they're probably going to come back.

I could beat DK Metcalf in a five-yard dash

I was actually talking to Billy earlier about this. You think I could be DK [Metcalf] to five yard dash? ... You guys don't know how sprinting works... I can just take a step. Yeah. That's your steps as well. You guys don't know how sprinting works.

Bigfoot is currently in the state of Ohio

My last who's back is big foot. There's been pictures of a big foot sighting... I've tracked it down to Ohio. There was some Bama people claiming that they found them in Bama... but I just want to correct it and let you know that Bigfoot is currently in Ohio.

The object in the Alaska sky was a UFO shot out of the sky by the government

Many are saying that it might've been a UFO that was shot out of the street that they don't want us to know about. But the government is saying it was just a contrail. I think it has a lot to do with it. Something's going on.

I can break Vegas with a specific March Madness hedging spreadsheet

I'm thinking I'm going to take all the favorites from the first round and bet all of them to win the whole thing as a future. And then bet the money line on all of the underdogs so that the money lines pays all the future bets.

The Rams are the first team ever to play a Super Bowl in their own home stadium

This could be the first Superbowl ever slayed by a team in its own home stadium. It's the Rams. Make it to the Superbowl. It's never been done before.

Alabama will beat Georgia 30-21 in the National Championship

The final score was 30 to 21, Alabama. So I'm going to bet that exact same. I'm going to bet that kind of the spread at an alternate line... I feel good about it. I don't know if I can trust my own brain sometimes, but I feel like when I turned my brain off, that's when I do my best thing.

The Bulls can compete with anyone in the Eastern Conference

I actually think [the Bulls] are very, very good. And they could compete with anyone in the east... the nets do not scare me.

Cincinnati can give Alabama a good game in the playoffs because of their secondary

I'm actually already going to do it again because I actually think Cincinnati could give Alabama a good game because their secondary is that fucking good. And they have a quarterback that is like, just doesn't let anyone catch anything.

Gonzaga talent-wise might be the best NCAA basketball team in 30 years

Talent wise, they might be the best NCAA basketball team that I've seen in the last 30 years.

Michigan will win the college basketball national championship

I'm pretty sure Gonzaga's a favorite. Fucking Gonzaga. They're never going to win shit. [Big Cat: Who do you have winning all?] Michigan.

Coach Ed Orgeron will return as a 'full-time interim coach' for hire

Next time any program needs an interim head coach, he should be interim for hire. He should be a full-time interim coach.

Florida QB Anthony Richardson is Cam Newton 2.0 and a 2022 Heisman candidate

Florida's quarterback that they put in second [Anthony Richardson] is Cam Newton 2.0, yes. He's on my big board for Heisman next year.

The Red Sox are going to win the World Series

I mean, the Red Sox, I think they're going to win the World Series at this point. I think everything that happens... doesn't it feel like they have those weird vibes going now?

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. Like Brian Laundrie probably saw that clip and he's like, all right, it's over.

Rutgers football is officially back

Rutgers football's back... back all the way. Greg Schiano, they've got a big test against Michigan this week. Birthplace of college football.

Sam Ehlinger would have beaten out Trevor Lawrence for the starting job if not for his injury

Unfortunately, Sam Ehlinger is out with a tweaked ACL... The Sam Ehlinger beating out Trevor Lawrence prediction has not come yet for now.

Tony La Russa will win MLB Manager of the Year

He's gonna win manager of the year. It's going to be so funny when that happens and everyone's going to be [pissed].

The Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez relationship is a fake publicity stunt

It's fake love because it's all publicity stunt. The fact that they're remaking old pictures, they don't actually love each other. Imagine doing this, imagine having a relationship that is all for the tabloids... it's disgusting.

Shark Week is being used by the media to maintain a state of fear after COVID-19

I think that we're overdue for some of the shark. The media hasn't really like had anything to like keep us in fear about after COVID has kind of started to become an afterthought. The media day are overdue for another summer. You weren't scared about the story of the shooting that was planned in Denver.

Novak Djokovic is the undisputed GOAT and will complete the Calendar Grand Slam

Djokovich, it's over. He won his 20th grand slam title, Wimbledon. It's over, he's tied Federer and a doll [Nadal]. He's slightly younger than those guys. He's going to win. He's going to win at the us open. That's the calendar year grand slam.

The Browns will win exactly 11 games in the 2021 season

I'm thinking 11 wins, regular season, nothing crazy.

Defensive teams should score a run if they turn a triple play.

Actually, I think you should be able to get a run for a triple play. On defense, you should be able to score a run if you get a triple play... give us what the fans want, and that's defensive runs.

Tim Tebow was signed by Urban Meyer purely to act as a heat shield for Trevor Lawrence

I'm also just a huge fan of the narrative that [Urban Meyer] brought in Tebow just to take off heat off Trevor Lawrence... Tebow is just going to be too much of a natural leader and take all the heat, including from the players, off Trevor Lawrence.

Alex Rodriguez is buying the Timberwolves specifically to move them to Seattle

It's definitely a move, though, for A-Rod. He is buying that team to move it. To Seattle.

The Chicago Cubs prospect Jesus Camargo was likely a front for a drug cartel

Jesus Camargo was arrested after police found 21 pounds of meth in his team equipment bag... Is this something that's an organizational thing where he was assigned to do that? I wouldn't put it past Ricketts to make money any which way. It would not shock me. It'd actually be good for baseball if the Chicago Cubs were just straight up like the Juarez cartel.

Peak Julius Randle is better than peak Chris Bosh

I kind of agree with that [the viral tweet]. Big J. Oh, he said at his peak, was Chris Bosh ever as good as Julius Randle? ... Drunk with power, which I am. I kind of agree with that.

Cam Newton isn't fully healthy because he didn't swing on the heckling kid

That's actually what's telling me that Cam Newton isn't healthy. Because if he was, he should have just swung on the kid. Where somebody's being that disrespectful... Cam, you should be able to defend yourself.

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

The hosts are starting a strict 'no carbs' diet for February

Tomorrow, we're starting our diets. ... No carbs for the month of February. ... If you see a carb in my mouth, slap it out. Serious. Except for Saturdays. Those are cheat days.

The Vince Lombardi Trophy should be renamed the Tom Brady Trophy

Vince Lombardi only won one. You're so greedy, Hank. It's true. He won one trophy. He won one Vince Lombardi trophy. Tom Brady's won seven. Like, come on. ... It's a crime that the championship trophy isn't named after Tom Brady.

2021 will be the year of hard bodies

Hard bodies in 2021. What does that mean? We're just going to get hard. Hell yeah. By the end of 2021, you will be able to bounce a quarter off my abs and ass. We're the next generation of being hard.

The Jim Harbaugh era at Michigan is officially over

The knives are back out for Jim Harbaugh... I just all I'm saying is I think it's over. I really do. 24 and a half Point favorites against Michigan State... and they lose like that... I think this is actually might be close to the end for Harbaugh.

Rafael Nadal is the undisputed GOAT of tennis after his 13th French Open title

Rafa Nadal won the French Open today... 13 Roland Garros titles... Number 13 number 20 overall. I think searching Rafa ended the debate today. You know, he just unquestionable GOAT talk to me in five years.

I'm rooting for Mitch Trubisky because 2020 needs a cool story

It's bullshit that anyone is sitting here and rooting against Mitch Trubisky. ... 2020 sucks, root for something crazy. Mitch Trubisky 2020. ... I'm ready and I have a little perspective for you from coach Matt Nagy... we're going to all support around him and give him every opportunity to have a very happy ending.

I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl

There's a chance we see another Nathan Peterman. You want to get real fucking crazy with 2020? Get a Nathan Peterman tattoo. ... I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl.

Bronny James joining FaZe Clan is a money-laundering scheme for Coach K

So we're gonna snitch on Bronny. What percentage of FaZe Clan does Coach K own? It's dark money that's going into no one knows who finances it.

Jimmy Graham and Cole Kmet will be a dynamic duo for the Bears

Everyone knows [Jimmy Graham] is an elite blocker... they got Cole Kmet and Jimmy Graham. Dynamic duo. If we just get half of their production from last year, we're going to be great.

Bill Belichick will sign Earl Thomas to replace Patrick Chung

Maybe this belcheck move. Maybe Belichick picks him up. They lost Patrick Chung for the year. They get real Thomas as like an impact veteran that everybody else has given up on

Alex Smith looks like he still can't play football despite being cleared

He doesn't look like he can play football. His leg. I think I could play football better than he could play football. I don't he couldn't he couldn't avoid the rush of his five-year-old spraying like Dasani on them and then they put out pictures of his leg and it's like to see turbine not well his leg is in basically a Forever cast right now.

Tom Thibodeau to the Knicks is not going to work

This is going to not work. Nothing screaming New York City like Tom Thibodeau... He went from like he didn't trust the ownership in GM in Chicago... now he's going to go work for James Dolan. I guarantee you Tim's decides just like he lives in Staten Island takes the ferry over every day.

I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky whenever the game temperature is exactly 66 degrees

Mr. Trubisky has by far the highest quarterback rating in the NFL when it's exactly 66 degrees... I'm absolutely going to open up my weather app every single Sunday morning. And if it's 66, I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky.

Swag Kelly is the second-fastest quarterback in the NFL

Swag Kelly thinks he's the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, which I agree with... I think he's going to be like a sleeper that's just going to come out of nowhere and get thrown into a game.

The entire world might be made of cake

There was a video titled, 'These are all cakes.' It's like a three minute video... it blew my mind. Then everyone convinced themselves that you know, maybe the world is just a giant cake. Like the Matrix.

The Patriots are going to make the Super Bowl with Cam Newton

Cam Newton is going to be the starter. It's going to be electric. The Patriots are going to make the Super Bowl. It's going to be the Patriots and the Bucs and I'm going to be so excited.

Going to space isn't impressive because we've already done it a lot

I think it's cool that we've done it 100,000 times already... We went to the moon in the 60s. Technology has advanced a long way. We're not going to learn anything new from Elon Musk going to the moon. It's just for him to pat himself on the back.

Queso is technically a soup because it's a liquid served in a bowl

I think queso's the soup... You use like chips, which are basically spoons. They're edible spoons. Yeah, it's bread. It's like the bread that comes with soup. I think queso's the soup.

Global dimming will cause a short-term increase in global warming this summer

There's something called global dimming which is the effect that aerosol and all those little particles have... It actually protects us a little bit from the sun's rays and makes the earth a little bit cooler because we put so much shit into the atmosphere now that all that's dipping down. It's actually going to increase the short-term effect of global warming, so we're doubly fucked.

Internet 1.0 (less cynicism and sarcasm) is making a comeback

I'm bringing back internet 1.0... We're not trying to fuck with people were just being nice trying to signal boost all the artists out there... less sarcasm less cynicism in the internet and less like everything is the worst and we're all going to die.