Takes

Mac Jones is a dirty player

I think that was a, a cheap shock going at his Eli Apple's ankles for sure. He's had some dirty plays.

JJ Watt is a better football player than he is a person

He was a much better player? Yes. He was like one of the top three all-time players... He has three defensive player of the year awards Only one man of the year award. So I'd say he's a better, the stats don't lie. He's a better player than he is a person.

I am 89% personally responsible for the Titans' collapse this season

I would say 83%... Can't stay on the field. Not 77. Can't stay on the field injury. Prone poor leadership. I would, I would say, 89% now.

Steve Harvey is the greatest game show host of his generation

One guy who's transcended all of that and even surpassed Louie Anderson, who nobody thought ever could, is Steve Harvey with Family Feud. America's host.

Having a child is a completely transformative experience that non-parents cannot understand

That's one of those ones that like, if you don't have kids, and I'm not shaming anyone, but like when you do have a kid, you're like, oh fuck, this is completely different than anything else.

A best man speech should be three to five minutes long

I think you have to keep it like five minutes or less. I think anyone who goes longer than that is... it's three to five minutes.

Mac Jones is football's Grayson Allen

Mack Jones, like... his body language, those plays, like twisting guy's ankles, hitting people in the balls and then, and then just screaming at everyone... He's football Grayson Allen.

John Harbaugh is a top 3-4 coach in the NFL

John Harbaugh might be top three, top four coach in the NFL. We should recognize that every now and again... Harbaugh's just a very, very good head coach, like top three, top four in the entire league.

Zach Wilson might be better than Russell Wilson

I had a thought in this game, which tells you how bad Russell Wilson is. Is Zach Wilson better than Russell Wilson? ... I actually was like, maybe Zach Wilson is maybe a little bit better because Russell Wilson can't even do the things that he used to do.

I could have made some of the throws Zach Wilson missed against the Jaguars

I was watching the fucking game and looking at concepts that I ran in high school that he was reading wrong. I'm serious. And I like my arm talent. It's not fucking pro arm talent, but I could have made some throws and just get it to guy to make play.

Michael Penix Jr. has a stronger arm than Josh Allen

Michael Penix was convinced to come back to Washington... he's not Josh Allen as far as total overall skillset as far as the size. But as far as arm strength is concerned, this kid might have a stronger arm than Josh Allen. ... you can't believe a human is able to throw a football that hard on a line like that.

Ryan Day is effectively on the hot seat if Ohio State gets blown out by Georgia

I think this game's really important for Ryan Day. ... I don't think they have to win it, but I think if they get blown out after coming off the Michigan [loss]... he's kind on the hot seat now. ... You can't lose to Michigan if you're the Ohio State coach. Not anymore.

Trevor Lawrence would be drafted ahead of Justin Fields to start a franchise today

I I think Trevor Lawrence right now, I I'm being honest, would be ahead of him [Justin Fields]. I'm just wondering how high up Trevor Lawrence would be... I do think that that Trevor Lawrence is a, has shown more this year in terms of passing and like how much better he's gotten versus Justin Fields.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

The 2022 Texans are the best 1-win/loss team in NFL history

Should we start the conversation, are the Texans the best one win loss team of all time? I think the Texans without question are the best one 12 and one team, that's a fact, of all time. They play competitive football and they lose and they do a great job of losing.

Sam Darnold and Mike White are on the same talent tier

I would say Mike White and Sam Darnold are on the same sort of echelon. Mike White, Sam Darnold, then a big drop off to Zachary [Wilson].

No quarterback has been screwed over more than Mac Jones this year

I actually think in a wild twist of fate, last year was all about Mac Jones being in the perfect setting. I don't think there's been a quarterback who's been screwed over more than Mac Jones this year. He's been fucked.

Lionel Messi is the undisputed GOAT after winning the World Cup

My who's back is the World Cup. That game was awesome. Messi is the goat. I mean, Ronaldo, I mean, there's nothing left. Messi has literally won it all. It's all over. He's the goat. Also, no argument left. No debate.

You cannot stop the run if you are wearing the Seahawks' lime green jerseys

I hope you're saying what I'm gonna think thinking, but you cannot stop the run if you're wearing those jerseys. Well, and you also have to go full lime green... Even if you do commit to it, I still think that you're gonna get gashed on the ground. If you're wearing those jerseys, you might, like, if you go full lime green, you're gonna be able to pin your ears back and get a few sacks on the board. But it does, it seems like that those are jerseys that'll just get run on.

Max Crosby is the best defensive player in the NFL right now

Max Crosby's the best defensive player in his league. Now I talked to Nick Bosa last week... I go, he plays every single play Nick... nobody plays a game like Max Crosby right now. He plays every snap. Nobody can block him. The run game. Nobody makes more tackles from the defensive end position than Max.

Mac Jones is a victim of coaching malpractice by Joe Judge and Matt Patricia

Mack Jones again, I think that Mack Jones like has a full on case for QB malpractice to have Joe Judge and, and Matt Patricia. Those two dumb fucks being his OC. Like I would be pissed if I were him, if I were his agent, I'd be like, you guys fucked him up.

Big Ben is poorly suited to play for the 49ers compared to every other quarterback

I think that you could name a quarterback in the NFL right now and they're probably better suited for the 49ers than Big Ben. Yes. Doesn't matter who you are. Right. No, that doesn't mean I wouldn't watch it. No. If he played I'd watch every second.

Sam Bankman-Fried was exposed as the biggest dork alive after his arrest

It's the fact that like to the regular world, I count myself in that where I'm not really into crypto. He just got exposed as being the biggest dork alive. Like I saw a picture of him and I heard his voice and I was like, this guy's a fucking dork.

Lexington, Kentucky has a much better food scene than State College, Pennsylvania

I came from Penn State, which quite frankly does not have any good food. And that was a big kind of knock on it. And coming to Kentucky was a change of pace... Malones and Jeff Rubies can't go wrong with either of those Steakhouses. Big fan of Carson's downtown... for breakfast, you gotta go to Josie's.

I would commit wire fraud or several felonies to have Patrick Mahomes as my quarterback

I would commit several felonies to have Patrick Mahomes as my quarterback. Yeah, I was thinking about that. Like, if you could reverse time and go back and, and make a deal with the devil... I think I would, I would steal a car. I would commit wire fraud. I would act, I would actually steal candy from a baby. I I to get Patrick Mahomes as my, like, to be a Chiefs fan.

I would give up six toes for Patrick Mahomes

I do a weekly hit with, with Waddle and Sylvia in Chicago and they asked me, I think it was like maybe a year or two ago. How many toes? Six. Yeah. Three and three. Yeah. Three on one foot foot, three on the others. Easily six toes. I'd give up for Patrick Mahomes.

Baker Mayfield wears a padded headband so he can headbutt teammates without getting hurt

Baker Mayfield wears his little headband. Yeah. I think there's padding in it. So he keeps doing the headbutt thing and everyone's like, holy shit, what a psycho. He's like, no, I'm good. I noticed that after the game, and he was being very aggressive with his headbutts, but he was making sure to line it up right on the headband.

Derek Carr's confidence is like a balloon that pops as soon as anything goes wrong

Right when [Derek Carr] starts to really get his mojo going, if he does something to interfere with that confidence, then it's like a balloon that gets popped for the rest of the game and then he's just, you can't use him. He always looks super sympathetic... and people just look at him and it looks, he looks like a guy that's honestly locked himself in his room for 12 hours, listened to the Cure to get ready for the game.

Jonathan Loaisiga is the toughest pitcher to face in MLB right now

Toughest guy I think to face is probably Loaisiga from the Yankees. That is elite stuff. I mean, he's, he's really, really good.

Nick Saban's media tour begging for a playoff spot was pathetic

Nick Saban getting in front of the media and doing his tour where he was like, you know, our team like ask everyone who they'd want to at least play it's us. ... It was pathetic. It was gross to watch to beg.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the GOAT

Ronaldo, my goat got benched. People don't like Ronaldo. I don't understand. ... Ronaldo's the goat, Messi's great but Ronaldo greater.

The Office would be canceled by today's standards

Mindy Kaling I guess was interviewed and she was like, yeah, the office would've been like, if they had the office today, it would've been canceled. ... if the office today was made today and it was canceled, like then comedy just truly is dead.

Patrick Kane is the greatest American born hockey player

I mean I think he's [Patrick Kane] the best American born player. Me too. Yes. No hands down.

I work 70 hours a week during the fall

I would say 70 hours a week. That doesn't really count like sitting at home watching games 70 hours a week in the fall. But then it becomes a lot less... I love football, but the idea that we could come in at 7 o'clock on a Sunday and be done in two hours [is nice].

Josh Allen is by far the best quarterback in the NFL

Tonight it was like watching, you know, the Patriots struggle and then Josh Allen's the best about Oh, your by far. He's like watching him is watching like the old Patriots where he makes every throw, he makes every play right. They look unstoppable.

Kyler Murray's biggest problem is that he is fundamentally a baseball player

Not to be Colin Coward here, but I feel like Kyle and Murray's biggest problem is he's a baseball player. Baseball players, they care about themselves. They have individual accolades. Football is a team sport. Kyle Murray's a baseball player.

Ryan Day has set the Ohio State football program back 15 years

Jim Harbaugh said Ryan Day was born on third and thought he had a triple because he took Urban Meyer's machine that dominated Michigan every single year and he basically put it back 15 years in a matter of two... they're back before Tressel.

I don't mind Jeff Saturday's late-game clock management against the Steelers

I'm gonna say something controversial. I don't mind what Jeff Saturday did at the end of the game. I don't mind it because he had three timeouts and if that drive had kept going in, he probably would've used him at that point... He had enough timeouts that he could have if his back was against the wall.

The Rock is becoming too unlikable because he's too manufactured

At this point I regret to inform you that I think I'm out on the Rock... he seems like he's turned his entire life into a living breathing Upworthy headline... you've entered the weird online celebrity like John Legend, Chrissy Teigen era of I have to root a little bit against you now. You're too likable.

I prefer to go for two when down by 14 and scoring a touchdown

This is one I've come around on. I think you go for two just because you then know exactly the circumstances that you're kind of going into games with... now you get two opportunities to get those two points. And if you're able to get 'em on the first time, now you obviously know that your six points down with the ability to score and win on that next extra point.

The modern day alpha male gets away with lies to feel manly

Guys, you know what, the modern day alpha male doesn't have a lot of things that we can do to make us feel manly, but getting away with lies is one of those things.

T Higgins is the best number two wide receiver in the NFL

T Higgins is probably the best number two [wide receiver]. He was awesome. And it does feel like he doesn't get any of the pub that Jamar Chase does because Jamar Chase is so incredible.

Todd Bowles is a really shitty head coach

Todd Bowles is a really shitty head coach. He stinks. He is so bad. And the Bucks, the Bucks have their problems. They're not a good football team... this game is 100% on Todd Bowles. He coached like a fucking coward. He doesn't know who his quarterback is.

Russell Wilson needs to go on an Ayahuasca journey to fix his ego

I actually do think that Russell Wilson is the quarterback that needs to do drugs the most... there's no quarterback in the NFL that's more in need of like a nice piping hot glass of Ayahuasca than Russell Wilson is. Ego death. Go off into the jungle for the next two months.

Josh Allen can win you a Super Bowl, Kirk Cousins cannot

Listen, the Vikings are a good team. Josh Allen's ceiling, Kirk Cousins' ceiling, there's a big difference. That's how I view the teams. Josh Allen can win you a Super Bowl. Kirk Cousins cannot.

Micah Parsons might be the best overall football player in the NFL

I think Micah Parsons, when he's activated, is the best defensive player in the NFL... when they turn him loose, it's his league and they just say, 'Okay Micah, your assignment is to just go out there and fuck everything up.' He might be the best football player.

Zach Wilson and Patrick Mahomes would have a competitive game of PIG/HORSE

On that take, I will say if you took Zach Wilson and Patrick Mahomes and made them compete in a horse or pig like game where they had to complete certain throws probably not covered. They'd probably have a competitive game.

Derek Carr isn't an NFL quarterback because he only throws one deep route

Derek Carr. Oh, okay. There we go... I watched all their games. He's only throwing one big dig. Right? One big end. That's what we call it. Right? You clear it out, you fill the date behind it. Right. If you can only do that one time in 6, 7 games, I don't know what, how you're supposed to say you're an NFL quarterback right now.

Roman Reigns and I are the only two real stars in wrestling

The two biggest stars in professional wrestling right now are me and Roman Reigns. We are the two people that everybody's talking about. Whether you're a professional wrestling fan or whether you're outside of that professional wrestling bubble.

Buffalo and Upstate New York are a complete dumpster fire

Upstate New York as a whole to me is just a huge dumpster fire. And it offends me actually that people from up there can say they're New Yorkers... you're only a New Yorker if you live in NYC or Long Island.