Takes

The NBA Western Conference is trash while the Eastern Conference is stacked

I watched the Nuggets, absolutely smoked the Clippers... damn, the Nuggets are good. The Western conference isn't that great this year. ... The Western conference is trash. The Eastern conference is stacked. Stacked.

We don't actually know how strong gorillas are because they haven't been trained in powerlifting

Actually trained a gorilla in powerlifting—so we don't really know how strong they actually possibly could be. Also, with their enclosures and zoos, we don't actually know if they just choose to stay in there and can actually break out of anything we design.

Modern truck auto-stop engine technology is dangerous and poorly designed

Every time you stop, it'll go to a full stop, the engine turns off... The thing is the car has to turn off and start back up again. And if people know, like the more miles you get on a truck, the more times you start a truck, the engine's gotta turn over... It happened to me in a busy ass intersection and I couldn't get the truck back started... putting people like myself in danger.

I can survive for three weeks on the streets as a stray dog

How long do you think you could survive on the streets? Like a stray? Three weeks. I'm a warrior. I survived out there.

I am officially in my annual 'betting unders' phase

I'm starting to like betting unders and it's a phase I don't like and I do it every year. I win one under and I'm like, that was easy. I'm deep in it right now. I only look at the board and I'm like, 'Oh, I love all these unders.' It's gross. I'll phase out of it and get back to betting on the over for games that I like the under.

Ime Udoka's suspension from the Celtics is a messy, public drama nightmare

My Fyre Fest besides the Celtics coach getting suspended for a year... for what? Disgustingly messy public drama. Yeah, that sucks. The only crime he did was his dick was too hard.

New York is a bad sports town because Yankees fans celebrate team records too much

This is embarrassing that [Yankees fans] are celebrating this hard when they just went down from four to three in the bottom of the ninth. Are the Yankees a bad sports town? Yes... I just don't get all the hoopla around it... Whatever, it's a team record. He's going for a team record.

Fans who return historic baseballs for little reward are likely getting paid secretly

I have a take. I think that [MLB teams] are paying these guys a lot, but they don't make it public how much they're giving them because they don't wanna raise the price for future type memorabilia. All those times you're like, oh, this person's stupid for just taking that much... I think they're getting paid off behind the scenes.

Seahawks fans deserved to lose the SuperSonics

The Seahawks take, which was correct... I think what people got really mad about is when you said like you deserve to lose the Sonics. Yeah. That Joe sports... because the Sonics like just straight up, they left, they fucked over the city of Seattle.

Andrew Luck was a 'busted chaw' and is an overrated quarterback

Andrew luck busted chaw, badge for town. Okay. Fact game over and debate. I've had people fucking bitching and complaining... Andrew luck was great? Even though he was four and four in the playoffs. And then they're like, oh, it was offensive line. They had a great offensive line and he quit.

Tuna is the beef of the sea and Salmon is the chicken of the sea

Tuna is the beef of the sea. Salmon's the chicken of the sea. [Big Cat: Tuna cans literally say chicken of the sea.] No, because it's red. It's the beef.

Hangovers at age 37 are a traumatic experience that ruins your entire week

I'm pre upset at myself for how shitty I'm going to feel on Saturday and Sunday... I know I can reach my peak. It's just the, when I reached my peak, the aftermath is very, very difficult to bounce back with. So I'm, I probably won't feel good again until mid next week. So yeah, pre fire-festing the hangover and the regret that I have from going on a bachelor party at 37.

It is cringeworthy for one adult to use the word 'potty' when talking to another adult

The person who was working the like little cafe... was like, I gotta, I'm putting up this sign. I gotta go to the potty. And it's been in my head since, and I don't like another adult telling another adult I have to go use the potty is the most cringeworthy. Like I can't get outta my head.

We are getting ripped off because guests aren't paying us $50,000 to appear on the podcast

We're getting ripped off as a podcast because that came out yesterday saying that people are paying up to $50,000 to appear on podcast. No one's ever even approached us and asked us to pay for coming on our podcast. In fact, it's only been the other way around... We should start billing people that have already been on the show.

I genetically cannot get a six-pack

I'll also never promise a six pack during the summer ever again. I am [getting there] but no. I don't think you genetically can get a six pack. Absolutely. I'm kidding. It's not everyone can get one. No, I am. I'm on the road there.

Wednesday is the worst night of the week for an adult to get drunk

I learned when I was like 34 years old to never, ever drink on a Wednesday. Wednesday is the worst night of the week to get drunk on by far... Thursday is a wash, Friday you're stricken with panic. You can't even enjoy your Friday cause you're trying to catch up on everything that you missed on Thursday.

Monday is the worst night of the week to drink

Doing anything bad to your body on a Monday is just like a killer way to start off a week. Like it will just completely bare... I still think Monday would be the worst. I think if you start, if you really drunk on Monday night, your whole week is fucked. You're just fucked.

Blogging was easier in the early 2010s because there were fewer bloggers and more unique topics

I think you blogged a different era. I will say... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics to blog she could get... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics.

Sneezing in public is one of the most taboo and awkward things you can do

Sneezing in public has gotta be like the most awkward... oh it's so taboo now. And it always was taboo with it's really when you're driving, I think it's super dangerous... But there's nothing you can do. Like you can try to hold it in. But when you have allergies... there's nothing.

Chris Paul might not care as much about winning as his die-hard fans do

I've been seeing this guy [Chris Paul] and it's, I mean, this is long-term and you know, like in every relationship there's always somebody, the relationship seems to matter a lot more to... It's getting to the point where like, I don't want to say, like, I'm not, I'm not trying to be a victim in this, but like, you can care about somebody for so long. And then you wonder, I don't think this person could care as much as I do.

The 'no phone case' lifestyle is a gamble that makes every day more thrilling

A lot of people would be like, 'oh, you don't have a case because you have money.' I wrote that blog in like 2013 when I had just, I was smashing phones left and right. And it costs me a lot of money. I so I've been no case for a very long time. It is not a money thing. It's just a thrill thing. It's a gamble. Every day when you wake up knowing this could be the last day of your phone.

Small dogs like poodles and Australian Shepherds are terrible domestic house dogs

Little dogs are the worst. All these people, they get these little Australian Shepherds that are not good domestic dogs. They are shepherds. And then they get poodles too and different little poodle mixes and they're hunting dogs and they have them running around as though they're like supposed to be nice house dogs, but they are literal hunting dogs.

It is okay to be a 'casual' fan who hops between sports during busy seasons

I'm okay with this. I think we as sports fans in a sports podcast, we need to normalize the fact that there's a lot of sports on and the experts in each field trying to shame the true sports guys like ourselves. I'm sick of it... I'm a casual. It's okay for us to hop from sport to sport.

Soccer is a joke because games are decided by penalty kicks with lasers in players' faces

I said that soccer is a joke. Like the fact that your spot at the World Cup is determined by a fucking penalty kick with laser beams getting shot in your face is a joke.

Ordering a steak 'Medium Rare Plus' is a 'Karen' move

I officially accept that medium rare plus is a thing. Okay. At the same time, just kind of a Karen move to order... I acknowledge its existence as well. I personally prefer [to not be an asshole].

Duncan Robinson is a 'pussy' for not getting involved in the Heat bench fight

Friend of the program, Duncan Robinson, when the Miami Heat were all fighting each other, he like backed off and didn't do anything kind of like a little bit of a pussy... I think like when there's a fight going on, you should probably in some way [help].

Moana is a legitimately incredible movie

That movie is awesome. I don't know if anyone's seen Moana with the Rock. It's a legitimately incredible movie. I'm at the point now where I'm like 'How about Moana?' and [my son's] like 'Nah, Mickey Mouse.'

Interacting with other parents is the absolute worst part of parenting

My son's school closed because of construction permanently and I got stuck in a WhatsApp thread with a bunch of parents who wanted to sue. This is not what I like—being a parent is awesome of your children. Having to interact with other parents is the worst.

I could easily run a 5k in under 30 minutes if I actually trained

If I trained, which I won't, I could be under 30 easy. No problem. My pace was already 4:30... 34 minutes, I didn't stop. I just fucking powered through.

I don't believe the United States will ever be good at soccer

I just don't believe that we will win. It's that simple... I wish we were good at soccer. We're not. And I'm not gonna pretend like soccer matters in this country when it doesn't.

Putting milk in eggs makes them better and more like pancakes

What you do is you put like, I have put milk in my eggs and then they're like, almost like a pancake when you do them. But apparently the nice browning of the outside of the eggs... it's better than gooey icky eggs.

Microwaves are the best invention of all time and better than air fryers

When did we just start disrespecting the mighty microwave? The microwave is the best invention, maybe of all time. You put something in there, it gets so hot... It boils water in 15 seconds and everybody's just sleeping on it... microwaves are coded. They are all right.

I want my mind to get duller as I get older, rather than sharper

I never want to do anything that sharpens my mind. I want it to get duller and duller as days go by... Gary V being like learn something new every day. No, come on. I'm just trying to just get up, wake up and then go to sleep.

I am going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on anything

I got like a little bit of bad news... I'm going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on any of them. So I have responsibly reached the end of my allocated fund for myself that I had through November.

Sleeping is the most dangerous thing you can do once you hit your mid-30s

I actually think that sleeping is the most dangerous thing that we do once we hit our mid thirties. [In response to dislocating shoulder in sleep] I woke up and my shoulder was literally out of its socket and I had to pull it back into its socket.

The CAA banning James Madison from postseason tournaments is total fraud

The Colonial Athletic Association is a bunch of frauds, and they banned James Madison University from their postseason tournaments because JMU is leaving to go to the Sun Belt... they're taking the monetary thing out on the students that are there. It's bullshit.

Ryen Russillo would beat the Pardon My Take crew in a fight because he holds so much internal anger

I actually have a different take on it. I think Russillo holds so much anger in his shoulders and neck from various people online saying, oh, did you vote for Trump because of the taxes that he would probably kick all of our assets... he would cave my Skullet.

Never plan a Saturday night dinner for a bachelor party

The biggest tip I always give is don't plan a dinner for Saturday night. That's the dumbest thing ever. It's like a tranquilizer dart to your face. You drink all day Saturday, and then you have this... big steak dinner on Saturday night, and then there's just no party afterwards because it's like, holy shit, we drank all day, then we ate a big meal. Who wants to go out after that?

Ted Bundy is a wildly overrated serial killer

Ted Bundy is wildly overrated. I mean, I... Ted Bundy was overrated as a killer. He's just good looking.

The weekly NFL MVP award has tarnished the importance of the actual MVP

The importance of the MVP award has been tarnished. Now they're doing one weekly. I don't like that.

Cleaning your ass with a showerhead and a towel is a valid solution when you run out of TP while moving

I sat down and started taking a shit and realized there was no toilet paper. And so I just took a shower... I didn't have anything. I just literally got in the shower or like wipe my ass and then got out... I used the towel and I threw away the towel.

Experienced fathers develop a 'sixth sense' that allows them to catch vomit in their hands

I finally get after all these years, like why people love the Jersey shore... My son was a little sick this week. I, now I have like dad's sixth sense. I caught my son's puke in my own hand that's because I knew it was coming and I fucking caught the whole goddamn puke in my hands.

Perfectly packing a car with vacation gear and kids is the official mark of a dad

Packing a car with two little kids and like doing the Tetris move to get the whole car full. I've never felt I earned my dad pinstripes like that was the official moment. I was like, yeah, I'm a dad because it was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it was like I wasted not a single inch.

I enjoy watching sports injury videos on the internet

I will stand by that. I like watching injury videos. I don't like watching in real life injuries. Okay. Put me on the other side of a computer and I'll feel okay.

I am angry that NIL wasn't active during my college career

Everyone's, you know, selling merch, being a Twitch streamer and making money off of their likeness... I was in college [in 2017]... kind of pissed that this happened so many years later and not when I was in college.

Anyone over the age of 25 must hire a mover

Over the age of 25, you should hire a mover. I agree. I am that mover in this case. Yeah. Well, are you hired? No. Okay. You need to get hired.

Real men get three vaccine shots

I was at the doctor. I was getting my third vaccine shot. Oh, nice. Better safe than sorry. Yeah, I'm great. Like I said, I'm triple vaxxed up. Nothing could go wrong. Real men get three.

The public should wear masks for one more week to cover my cold sore

My Fyre Fest is masks off, which is great, but I'm getting a cold sore right now... this is the worst possible time ever... I think that we should do one more week. If we just go masks one more week, I think that'll be perfect timing.

Sarcasm is the best way to prepare a child for life

I'm going to weaponize [my son] with sarcasm. That will hopefully get him through life.

The European Super League would actually have been sweet because of the high-level matchups.

The Super League kind of would have been sweet. ... Imagine if there was just a Wednesday, like every Wednesday afternoon, just the best teams in the world playing each other. ... would you watch because it's going to be sweet. They'd be like, yeah, I'd watch. ... It would have been fucking sweet.