Takes

Dipping Oreos in water is better than dipping them in milk

I brought forward to the world, the art of dipping your Oreos and water, essentially washing them taste delicious, better than milk.

The urge for a glass of milk to wash down cookies is an unstoppable force that justifies breaking MLB bubble protocols.

If you get it in your head that you need a glass of milk, you have to go get a glass of milk. If you get in your head that you're thirsty and you need milk to wash down Oreos, guess what you're going to do? Come hell or high water, you're going to go get some fucking milk.

There is nobody in the world less likely to 'mix in a water' than Dana Beers

I actually think like there's nobody less likely to mix in a water than Dana Beers. Right... he better, he should go on a water strike... he has been for the last 26 years of his life.

Most people can get by drinking only 32 ounces of water a day

I think most people can get by drinking like 32 ounces of water a day and getting the rest from their food... I drink a half a gallon of water a day. Get the rest of it from your food and your other parts of your diet.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

JJ Watt's heartfelt apology to Deshaun Watson was staged for the cameras

My Hot Seat is the Texans camera crew... JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson were sharing a heartfelt moment of JJ Watt apologizing to Deshaun Watson and he said, 'I'm sorry we wasted a season for you.' And a fucking camera guy caught it... he's got to be pretty embarrassed about that because that's something that, you know, between teammates... or else everyone's going to know what a great dude you are.

Half of sports media doesn't watch games; they just tweet about the Manningcast

I also don't know what the sports media is going to tweet about now that the Manningcast is not [on]... Half of sports media doesn't even watch the game. They just tweet about the Manningcast.

Watching deep-fake porn of your friends is a lifestyle choice, not a moment of weakness.

I've never clicked on a link being like, I want to jack off to my friends. That's not really, that sounds like a lifestyle choice. Not a moment of weakness.

It doesn't matter what 'fucked up' beliefs Sammy Watkins has as long as he's happy and not hurting anyone

It doesn't matter what kind of fucked up beliefs you have as long as you're happy and you're not actively hurting somebody else. So Sammy Watkins could believe whatever the hell he wants. Be you, dude. Just make sure that your fantasy owners are happy on Sundays.

The NHL beat writer who celebrated with the Stanley Cup should be fired for a lack of integrity

There was a Colorado Avalanche beat writer that picked up the Stanley Cup and celebrated with the team and called it one of the best nights of his life. And frankly he should be executed. Yeah. Send him to the LIV tour. They should chop his head off. That's not what journalism is supposed to be in America. It's supposed to be fearless truth tellers, impartial scribes.

Watching Beth Mowins call a low-scoring Big Ten game early on a Saturday morning was the perfect way to ease into a day of college football

The Big 10 has their new contract... That means, unfortunately, ESPN will not have the Big 10 and we will not have Beth Mowins putting us in a perfect spot on a Saturday morning, watching Purdue and Northwestern have a punt off. And I'm gonna miss that, because that game means a lot to me. It was a great way to ease you into Saturday because I don't like having a huge game right away.

Deshaun Watson mentoring Shedeur Sanders is like an old person getting a pet

Lucky for Shedeur Sanders, he found a mentor in Cleveland that's taking him quote under his wing. It is Deshaun Watson. Deshaun Watson has stepped up to show the young guy the ropes... I think this is maybe a situation like who saved who, like an old person getting a pet?

Bobby Petrino is a man of character who will clean up the North Carolina locker room as offensive coordinator

Bobby Petrino is going to be their new offense coordinator for next season. And I think that's a great hire. This is fun that Bobby Petrino, a man of character can get in, clean up that locker room and, and really change it from being a circus into a, a run of the mill workman like professional football organization.

J.J. Watt rejected the Top 100 players list only to show everyone how humble he is

J.J. responded to it and said, I only played three games last year. What a joke this list is. So J.J. gets it. He's going to make sure that everybody knows how humble he is. And he's rejecting the title of a top 100 player. While also letting everyone know that he made the top 100 list.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

Noah Lyles has every right to brag about being the fastest man on Earth after winning Olympic gold

She had a take, can you really brag about being the fastest person on earth if you win a race by 0.005 seconds?... I think [Noah Lyles] can if you win the gold medal.

The 'Player to be Named Later' in baseball trades is enticing because it sounds like they could be anyone, even a Hall of Famer

But the player to be named later, it sounds really enticing. It's like, that guy could be fucking awesome. Could be anyone. Yeah, could be a Hall of Famer.

The Big 12 tournament court is the weirdest looking thing and it sucks to watch on TV.

The Big 12 because they're playing the tournament right now and their court is the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen in my entire life. And the commissioner of the Big 12 said that it's actually a resounding success because so many people are talking about it. ... it looks like if you've ever put on a VR headset and asks you to scan the room to know where the walls in the floor are, that's what it looks like. ... I feel like if you're a player on the court, you probably don't mind it that much. But if you watch it on tv it sucks ass.

Watching a golf tournament commentated by Darren Rovell, Danny Kanell, and Dude Perfect is like wishing for sports on a cursed monkey's paw

I saw that sports are coming back indeed in the form of a golf tournament this weekend, but the golf tournament is going to be commentated and narrated by the team of Darren Rovell, Danny Kanell, and Dude Perfect. I don't think you could have designed... I wished on sports to come back but I wished it on a cursed monkey's paw.

The Chargers' social media account being too funny is hurting the team's culture

I think that the Chargers Twitter account is, is too funny. And and it's resulted in actual on the field losses for you. Yeah. Be serious. This is culture matters. ... If you're asking guys, Hey, is water wet when they come off the field, they're probably, that's gonna break their brains. ... I actually, I'm starting to think that Chargers truther, he might be true. It affects team culture.