Takes

I will not mindlessly scroll on my phone unless I am walking on a treadmill pad

The rule I came up for myself with is: if I'm scrolling, I'm strolling. So I'm not gonna let myself just mindlessly scroll through my phone unless I'm on the walking pad. I feel like that's gonna make my steps... easy 12,000 a day.

I officially enjoy golfing and believe it is a fun sport

I actually enjoyed golfing and that is my fire fest. It's a fun sport. Like we had a very good time... it suck, we had such a good time. I feel bad even saying this... I enjoyed it.

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday because he has enough people sucking his dick

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday by the way. Fuck, fuck that guy. He's got enough people to suck his dick and wish him a happy birthday. Awful announcing quote that. I hope I do it again next year.

America needs a 'Husbands for Guys' service to handle car mechanics and home repairs

Why there should be a service just guy for hire that he's not a mechanic, but he knows everything about cars. He takes your car into the mechanic shop and just makes sure you don't get banged. We could call it husbands for guys. You keep your pride as a human being and as a man intact.

I need to get into a car accident that totals my car so I have an excuse to buy a new one

I need to get in an accident that totals this car so that I have no choice but to get a new car. I want to get a sick car. That way I don't even have a choice.

Adults who wear swim shirts at the pool look like children

If you wear a swim shirt as an adult, you just you look like a child. They shouldn't sell adult swim shirts. I agree. No shirts belong everywhere but in the water.

You should never order appetizers at a steakhouse to maximize your sides

I'm of the mindset now that you don't need any appetizers at steakhouses. It's, it's a good place to run Zero apps... You don't need the calamari at a steakhouse... The sides at a steakhouse are elite. The mashed potatoes are always elite... mac and cheese always elite at a steakhouse, you wanna maximize your sides to go with a steak.

The best basketball game plan for a team that can't shoot is to stop shooting and hunt for the double bonus

The point of me saying to the guys don't shoot is we needed to get in the double bonus because we suck at shooting. Nicki Smokes just decided to take the game into his own hands... If we had double bonus, we probably would've won the game. We'd had two shots at every single one of them.

I would rather pay DraftKings $40,000 than pay Hank $40,000 for a lost bet.

I would rather pay DraftKings $40,000 than pay [Hank] 40,000. It's the ultimate emotional hedge spot for me. Worst case scenario, I lose my money, but I would gladly pay that much money for the Patriots to lose.

Fasting is the worst thing ever

I realized I was such a bitch. ... Anyone who tries to tell you the fasting is the way to go. It ain't, it ain't the way to go.

I have lost all hope in this Eagles team and they have to win me back

I have lost all hope in this Eagles team. They got, they have to win me back. I'm opening up that they could win me back. But right now, they have to prove it.

Solo dates are the superior way to experience the movies

I went on, I guess what someone called solo date the other day. I thought it was okay. I thought it was like a rec, a super normal thing to do... You ever, you ever go to the movies solo? Yes sir. All the time. That's great. I think that's the best way to go to the movies.

Glow-in-the-dark skeleton pajamas are the 'good suits' of pajamas

But you also have glow in the dark pajamas. Those are, those aren't regular pajamas. Those are the good suits of pajamas.

The dream life is having your biggest problem be a spilled Dr. Pepper while gaming

I'm jealous of this. Like you were, you were describing like, obviously I love my kids. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but like for a minute I would love to just be like, oh man, my biggest issue tonight is I spill my Dr. Pepper while gaming in my pajamas. That's a good night, dude.

Kirk Cousins is a significantly better quarterback than Justin Fields

Kirk Cousins is a better quarterback than Justin Fields, Memes. I'm just telling you like, that is a, your season might end up turning. That's where I'm trying to come from. Like that's a guy who you could maybe go a little bit further in the season.

The Pacific Time Zone is the worst time zone for sports

I hate Pacific Time zone. It sucks. Everything's just two nights in a row. ... I've pulled up like we have long days and I, I like, I'll pull up the Cubs game being like, I'm gonna watch the Cubs game in my hotel room. And they're just like, oh, they're down eight. Nothing. It's the eighth inning.

Football is not a breakfast sport; it is a beer sport meant for the afternoon and evening

Everything's just two nights in a row. ... I don't like the idea of waking up and having breakfast while football's coming up. Football is not a breakfast sport. Tennis is a breakfast sport. Golf can be a breakfast sport. ... Football is a beer sport.

Eating raw meat can lead to a psychotic break, as evidenced by the Liver King's recent behavior

Did you guys see that [the Liver King] was arrested for terroristic threats? Telling Joe Rogan that we're gonna drive to the house, maybe two to the chest, one to the head... I would just like to say don't eat raw meat because of that's what can happen. You can have a psychotic break.

Sugar cones with soft serve ice cream is crazy

I think sugar cones with soft serve is crazy. I think it's crazy. Soft serve ice cream will drip. ... Sugar cone's guaranteed dripping. ... Sugar cone is a classic ice cream cone [for scoops], not a soft serve cone.

Pistachios are a grand slam nut

I would put pistachio on my Mount Rushmore of nuts. ... Peanut is a double off the wall. I enjoy peanuts. But you talk about a grand slam, now we're talking pistachios. ... It might be my favorite nut.

Unsalted nuts suck; the saltier the better

Unsalted nuts suck. ... There's nothing worse than when you see like a, a thing of nuts and you take a little handful and it's unsalted nuts. Oh, unsalted nuts suck. No saltier the better.

The broomstick putter is superior for putting but makes the user look like a douche bag

I was putting as, as good as I ever have and I've just been battling wrestling with myself on if I'm gonna actually use it in real life... understandably so people are gonna be like, that guy is the biggest douche bag of all time... but I at least have to feel it out.

The job of a male OB-GYN is essentially just to mansplain women's bodies to them

Here's a fun fact though. The job of a male [OB-GYN] is to mansplain that— I mean, how the fuck are you supposed to know that? They didn't put any periods in between the letters or anything.

Smurf accounts and the 'Sharknado' meta are ruining the Marvel Rivals experience

The developers of Marvel rivals... are tanking the game. So they're, they're allowing these guys to do... Smurf account... and then they've changed the team up and now there's a sharknado that you can light on fire and the sharknado is ruining the game.

An NFL Draft Lottery would be a 'stupid, bad idea' that hurts the truly struggling teams

Mike Greenberg's dumb rules... Greenie yesterday... saying lottery to implement a draft lottery for, for the NFL... I don't think it's a good idea... it would be terrible for the NFL... it would suck for the teams that are actually terrible that don't have a quarterback.

Jayson Tatum has officially replaced Joel Embiid as the worst playoff superstar in the Eastern Conference

I guess that a super embarrassing that Jason Tatum has now taken the crown of the worst playoff performer in the Eastern Conference... Joel Embiid for a long time was known as the worst Eastern Conference superstar to play in the playoffs. And Jason Tatum simply has worst playoff stats than Joel Embiid. And that's a fact.

Jayson Tatum was carried to his championship and would be a loser on any other organization

Jason Tatum would also be a loser if he wasn't playing for the Celtics... He played horribly in that championship and was carried by the rest of his team.

I am significantly better than Hank at 16-inch softball

I am definitely so much better than Hank at 16-inch softball... I guarantee you. I can slap singles. I'm faster than Hank.

The card collecting community is mostly comprised of gatekeeping losers

I had the entire card community come after me and they do not like me and they are fucking losers... it's the gatekeepers. And the guys who are like, 'actually'.

Big men everywhere start dreading April because they lose the ability to hide under sweatshirts

We're getting to t-shirt weather. Do we have a plan? The first nice day where it's 70 degrees and you hold onto the sweatshirt and you're like, 'this is uncomfortable.' And you realize I'm gonna have to start wearing a t-shirt. It's the worst feeling in the world. I forgot that I couldn't just wear a sweatshirt for the entire year.

William Chisholm is a smart business mind and will be a great owner for the Celtics

Clearly a very smart business mind. And I'm excited to, to see what he's got in store. Hopefully he likes the Celtics and isn't doing this as a business... He agrees to purchase the Celtics from the Grousbeck family for a valuation of $6.1 billion.

The Real ID requirement is a load of bullshit and unnecessarily complicated

Real ID... that's a load of bullshit. It's impossible to get an appointment... Why can't there just be one line? You go to one person, you get everything done and you leave, you go to eight different lines and you get an appointment. And an appointment means nothing.

Most women believe that all men are naturally capable of dunking a basketball regardless of size

My fiance just asked me with a straight face: When was the first time I dunked? She just assumed throughout our entire relationship I've been dunking... hubs tweeted this out last night... I wonder how fast she thinks I can throw a baseball... women just think that all men can dunk.

Binging a TV show is much better than watching it week-by-week

This is my big, i I like binging shows. I like just diving right into 'em. I don't know how people can watch a show like I gave up on House of Dragon. Yeah. Because I watched the first season and then it was four years and I was like, I don't remember fucking shit. I'm out.

Big Cat would have to lose a significant amount of weight to ever dunk

I hope you could too. You would have to lose a lot of weight. I know you're not going, you're don't. I would, don't put a time.

I am a better athlete than Hank at everything

I just have to come to the realization, I'm just a better athlete than [Hank] at everything... I'm mad at myself hand up accountability. I'm just better at than Hank at everything Hand up.

The Super Bowl officially marks the end of winter

I'm keeping [the Christmas trees] up till after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is the end of winter, as far as I'm concerned. That's the end of our season.

I'm done being ashamed of being from Massachusetts; I am a Chicago fan for life

I was born and raised in Newton, Massachusetts... I'm done with [being ashamed]. I have a fucking awesome life... my fandom of the Chicago teams is genuine... I am a Chicago fan for the rest of my life now.

Speakeasies should be illegal to be authentic

I don't think that there should be speakeasies unless they're actually like illegal places where you can like smoke inside and like, it's against the law. That's what a speakeasy should be... It's stolen valor. If I look at your wall and you have your health department grade on the wall, [it's not a speakeasy].

Pour-your-own-beer bars are a terrible trend

Another trend that I fucking hate bars I can't stand... the bars that have the like pour your own beers. I hate that shit... The whole point of going to a bar is have someone like, you get to sit down... you feel like you're playing laser tag or some shit. Sucks.

The Meta Quest 3 is significantly better than the Apple Vision Pro

I got the Apple Vision Pro like seven months ago. What a waste of fucking money that was. That was probably the the biggest waste of money I've ever had in my entire life... picked up the Meta Quest 3. That thing rocks... this kicks the shit out of the Apple Vision Pro.

I am having a midlife crisis at 31 years old

I feel like it's, I know the answer that it's a sign that I'm going through somewhat of a midlife crisis... I have been spending a lot of time thinking about selling it [my car] and then leasing a really nice car... Why not open a line of credit with good points, pay the lease off with that and have a nice car.

The only way to successfully approach a doctor's physical is by dieting for three weeks beforehand so they don't yell at you.

I started counting calories this week. I started logging everything. I got a physical three weeks from the day I scheduled it so I could get three weeks of trying to lose weight preseason before I go to the physical... it's not going to be like, holy shit, you're gonna die. It'll just be not as bad.

Men posing with their arms around each other is the weirdest thing

We as guys, we as guys gotta stop doing the arms around each other. This picture. It's the fucking weirdest thing we do... There's nothing worse than doing the awkward like post golf round. Yeah. 10 dudes just standing with their arms around each other.

Taking a long time to poop is a masculine dad move

I actually kind of feel like this is like my first, like I'm feel like a masculine dad because I feel like that's a very big dad move for the all the kids in the house to be like, yeah. Dad goes and takes long shits. Being like, I'm going to the shit or I'll be back in three hours.

I'm officially 'washed' after struggling in the home run derby

Tuesday night we hit dingers... but I think I'm officially, officially washed because... I was halfway through the whole competition and I looked at the leaderboard and it was like me, Titus, Chief, Brandon... every guy who's 37 plus. I was maxing out everything I had and it wasn't that good.

I wasn't going to fake a celebration for the cameras just because the Celtics won the championship

I just don't know really. Like I was thinking that what should I do? And I kind of knew that that was gonna be the reaction, but I also wasn't gonna fake it. Like I wasn't gonna drop to my knees and be like, you guys knew you were gonna win after game three.

There should be a 'dating app' style platform for young men to find old guys who know how to fix cars.

I just had an idea for like a dating app, but it's young dudes that want to meet up with old guys. Mm. Who know about cars. I feel like an old guy wants to share his car knowledge.

The El Camino is the 'mullet' of cars

One word to describe El Camino and it's bitching. This ride is fucking sweet. 1970 SS racing stripe cherry red. I'm actually thinking about getting a mullet as an accessory to my car. I like that because the, the El Camino is a mullet of cars. Yeah. It's business in the front party in the back.

Age 40 is a major cutoff; your fitness level on the day you turn 40 determines your physical trajectory for the rest of your life.

It's time to get back in shape. Gotta get in shape before you're 40. I feel like anything you do before you're 40, that's who you're gonna be after 40. 40 is like a big cutoff. If I'm in shape the day I turn 40, I can get fat and then get back in shape. No problem.