Takes

I was wrong: Patrick Mahomes is electric and I'm a believer

One person that I do have to take back my take is Patrick Mahomes. I said Patrick Mahomes stinks and is going to be terrible... I will admit my mistakes. He's electric. No, I'm actually a believer in him now.

The Green Zone is football for morons and I love it

The green zone is essentially when they have the first down to gain and it is third down, they make the field look extra green between the line of scrimmage and the first down marker to let you know how much area they need to cover to get that first down. It is essentially football for morons, which we are, and I love it.

Bear Weather is 100% real

Is Bear weather real? Yes, 100%. Nobody wants to play in Chicago past December or November or whatever. Our fans love it. In the winter, they don't care, man. They're going to come out and support no matter what. If you're playing there, you better take advantage of that weather because it's not going to change.

Aaron Rodgers is the toughest quarterback I ever played against

Who's the toughest quarterback you had to play against? Aaron [Rodgers]. His mobility is obviously—his arm is tremendous, but his mobility and they're never in a bad play. You can't trick them.

Jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear

I actually think jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear because football coaches, they either are in sweatpants or full suit. There is no in-between. It's actually the way to tell the difference between normal human beings and football coaches is if you see someone wearing jeans, you're like, that's a civilian.

Beards are the reason Civil War movies don't get made anymore

I also think the problem is beards. Beards are out. A lot of beards. You think, well, actually, beards are not. I'm in this room. I know there's one, two, three, four and a half. That's a lot of beards in the room. Now it's time to revisit the Civil War.

Stephon Diggs is going to be very good this year

Stephon Diggs is going to be good. You can't go wrong. Demarius [Thomas] is going to split him with Thielen, so go with [Diggs].

Michigan is going to be very good this year

I think Michigan is going to be very good this year. I've come all the way around. I love Jim Harbaugh, and their defense is going to be so good.

LSU will beat Miami in the season opener

I still, with the pass rush that LSU should be able to generate, I like LSU in that game [against Miami].

The over on West Virginia's 7.5 win total is a lock

West Virginia, their over-under is 7.5. Oh, wow. I want to hammer that... Will Grier is maybe the best quarterback in the country... They're going to put up sick numbers on offense.

Todd Haley and Gregg Williams are the meanest sons of bitches in the world

My biggest takeaway from Hard Knocks is that Todd Haley and Greg Williams combined are the meanest sons of bitches in the world.

October is the best month of the year

October... it is the best month of the year. You have the fall, you have football being awesome, you have playoff baseball, you have NBA and NHL, it is the only month where all four sports are playing.

The 'Pacific Ocean' is superior to the 'Atlantic Ocean' because it is twice the size

My number two, Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean, twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Has, like, Hawaii, all that cool shit. You could be a cool Cali teen in the Pacific Ocean.

Athletes are inherently difficult to get good interviews out of

Athletes are tough to get a good interview out of. So I don't think it was my fault, but I think Joe got fucked too.

I would handle the Artie Lange incident much better and more authentically today

If you saw Joe Buck 2018 in that same spot, I think I would have rolled with the punches maybe a little bit better on air. I think I would have been different. I think I would have been better with it, and I would have been more equipped... having gone through this vocal thing that I went through, kind of not really caring anymore what people think... I would have handled the moment probably better.

Paxton Lynch's days in the NFL are numbered

My hot seat is Paxton Lynch. I think I'm just going to put him on my hot seat until he's out of the NFL ... Paxton Lynch, your days are numbered, bucko.

A rhino is a better version of an African buffalo in a fight

I'm taking a rhino, which is a better version of the African buffalo. ... It's got thicker skin, which is basically armor. It's got the horn.

Betting the over early in the NFL season is a smart move due to the high volume of penalties

What do you think about betting a lot of overs early in the season? ... I talked myself into that big time last night.

Ted Williams is the greatest hitter in baseball history

Who's the best hitter you've ever seen in your life? Ted Williams. ... This guy could hit like nobody I've ever seen. I'm telling you, he was amazing.

Dwight Schrute is a sidekick to Michael Scott

I'm going to go with George Costanza and Dwight Schrute. Those are my second and third picks [for Mount Rushmore of Sidekicks]. [Dwight] was to Michael.

It's a sad day when Roethlisberger, Rivers, and Eli Manning retire

I'm going to really be disappointed when Big Ben retires. He's one of those guys, I don't want to get doom and gloom here, but Big Ben, Rivers, Eli Manning, all these guys retiring is going to be so sad.

McDonald's fries are the best fast food item

And then for my last pick, McDonald's fries. Can't believe I got that one in the fourth round. I know. I know.

Tiger Woods is officially back because he is contending in majors again

The Tiger's back crew that I despised for many years, the 2014-15 Tiger's back because he, you know, finished top 10 in a stupid tournament in Bermuda. That sucked. Now he's back because he's actually finishing second. I think he shot like six under today. He had that tiger stalk. He's back.

A team's closeness and culture is a tangible advantage on the field

I always feel the tighter team, the closer team, has an advantage over the team that's not as tight. And the only way you do that is by hanging here, spending time together. I like to put ping pong tables in there just so people kick it and they don't go home right away.

Jimmy Garoppolo is an elite thrower with exceptional release speed

Jimmy, he's an elite thrower. I think everyone can see his arm talent, how quickly he can get rid of the ball. Even if you don't block very well, he can speed it up so fast that it's very hard to get to him.

I am going to die during the summer because I can no longer handle the heat

I realized something today. I'm going to be one of those people that dies in the summer because I just can't take the heat anymore. I fucking hate the summer. I'm done with the summer. I've just realized that I'm going to be probably in my 50s or 60s and it will be one of those situations where I'm mowing the lawn... and then I'm just going to die.

The Simpsons is the best cartoon show of all time

Number one, no-brainer, Simpsons. Best cartoon show of all time. Even though there were only like seven or eight awesome seasons of it, those seven or eight seasons were good enough to justify like 50 years of shit.

The Rock is exactly as great as you imagine him to be

He's great, man. He's everything you imagine and want him to be. It's very satisfying. He often gets himself into pickles just like we do, but he's like such a magnetic dude that he'll get himself out of it easier than we can.

Birthdays officially start to suck at age 26

At what age do birthdays just start to suck? Oh, I'd say 26. Everything from there is downhill.

The Montgomery Biscuits is a top-tier minor league team name

I got to go Montgomery Biscuits. The best part about it is the tongue is a pat of butter.

LeBron James is objectively very smart

I would say LeBron James is not dumb. I'd actually say he's very, very smart, objectively very, very smart... look at all his businesses and all that and how he's handled his entire career. He's a very smart person.

2018 is officially the year of the fullback

The first two touchdowns were to fullbacks. It is the year of the fullback. You heard it here first.

Sam Darnold will be the first rookie quarterback to start a game in the 2018 season.

Who's going to be the first rookie quarterback to start a game? Darnold. I think Darnold's going to start sooner rather than later.

This is the year Ryan Tannehill finally takes the next step

The Ryan Tannehill knee brace, Tannehill 2.0. He is really leaning into this is the year that Ryan Tannehill takes the big step, the next step. I think it's awesome that wearable technology has gotten to the point where a quarterback can have their total QBR on their actual equipment.

Watching the Real Housewives and the OC is okay

I'm a little more grown up, I do happen to watch and enjoy from time to time the Real Housewives series. Only the New York. Atlanta? I like Atlanta. Crazy. Countess? Crazy.

Rosé cider is delicious despite being a 'chick drink'

Rosé cider. Kind of a chick drink, but it's just so delicious. I could drink it any day. Sometimes the ones in the can have a lot of sugar, though, so I try and go out of my way to find one with low sugar.

J.J. Watt being healthy is the official sign that football is back

you know football is back because there's a lot of buzz about J.J. Watt not being injured... J.J. Watt being like, is this the year that J.J. Watt can stay healthy all year? That means football is officially back.

The Hall of Fame game becomes absolute dog shit after the first five minutes

I'm excited for the Hall of Fame game. My dumb brain tricks my dumb body into getting all amped up for the Hall of Fame game. And then I forget that after the first five minutes of the game, it's just absolute dog shit.

Tom Brady is allowed to have a dad bod because he is a father of three with multiple rings

he does have a dad bod. He is like 44 or something. Yeah, he's allowed to have a dad bod. I think once you get three Super Bowl rings. And you're married to the world's most successful supermodel. It's okay to have a dad bod.

Aaron Donald is one of the top five players in the league and the Rams need to pay him

they have not given their best player and one of the top five players in the league, Aaron Donald, a new contract. So I feel like this is not getting – you've got to take care of that guy, right?

Nothing in sports compares to Tiger Woods being in contention on a major Sunday

When Tiger is involved in a major on Sunday, there's nothing like it in sports. And just to have those few moments... everyone was like, this actually could happen. Like Tiger could actually do it. He's wearing his Sunday red. Everyone was excited.

Kawhi Leonard is a top five NBA player when healthy

Kawhi is, if he's healthy, which I assume he is, is a top five NBA player. And now you have one of the best defenses in the NBA.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

Bryce Harper will not be a National next year.

We commonly agree that, yes, Bryce Harper is no longer going to be a National next year.

French kissing animals is fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Imagine Dragons' new song will be the perfect pump-up music for college football this fall.

Imagine Dragons dropped a new song, which is going to be the perfect pump up music for college football this fall. ... It's really good. ... It's very, very, it's like perfect. You can actually imagine, you know, like South Carolina playing Clemson on a Saturday night.

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you're the champion for four years

The World Cup is the best tournament to win because you get to be champion for four years. That's pretty fucking sweet. It's like being president.

The Michael Jordan statue is the most iconic sports statue in the world

I'm going to MJ's statue, iconic statue. It's a logo that everyone, you know, it's basically the coolest logo in the world. That's the number one sports statue in the world in my mind.

Massive monuments are the best because they prove you 'really ran shit' while alive

I think the best monuments are the big, giant ones. That's how you know you really ran shit when you were alive. You've got a statue that's three or four times the size of you.

Soccer is the greatest sport ever created

What's something that the casual fan doesn't understand about the sport? [Rooney:] For me, it's the greatest sport ever created.