Takes

Jeff Fisher saved his job with the Rams by trading for the number one overall pick

I think Jeff Fisher might have just saved his own job because you can't really fire a guy when you draft a new quarterback.

Rams GM Les Snead keeps his job because he has great hair and a Hollywood look

Les Snead, the GM for the Rams. I have a theory that he just gets by on his hair. If you've seen his hair, he's got very nice hair... He's got like kind of a Hollywood look. He's got the name... I don't know if he's a good GM anymore. I think he's just getting by with the Les Snead kind of aura that's around him.

Life is too short to have sympathy for any man who has a large penis

The world, life is too short to shed one tear for a guy who's got a big dick. I don't care if it's a homeless guy or an NFL quarterback. If the guy's got a big dick, he doesn't get any of my sympathy.

Friends is the most overrated television show in history

I'll even go out on a limb here and say that friends is the most overrated television show in the history of television.

Kyle Schwarber will return from his ACL/LCL injury in six months, in time for the World Series

That's a little out of my expertise in information systems. Let's say six months... [Back in time for the World Series?] Sure. I mean, that's where the money is.

Hockey would be much more popular if goals were worth eight points like football

The greatest trick that football ever played is making their scores worth six points... If hockey changed to eight-point goals, this guy would be in. Okay, so if we ever develop a sport – Trick number one is make the single goals or points worth like eight times. Make everything worth like eight points. And then you've got yourself a sport.

Home ice advantage does not exist in the NHL playoffs

You know what I don't like about playoff hockey is that there's basically no home ice advantage. It doesn't exist. The ice is the same everywhere you go.

The Bulls will give the Celtics a really good series in the playoffs

I think the Bulls are going to give the Celtics a really good series.

Internet 'shoe roasts' of team jerseys are ruined because people complain about everything

This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful... The internet is so cynical all the time... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it... When you start picking out the Detroit Lions gray jerseys, kind of ruins it for everything else.

The Cleveland Indians' Chief Wahoo logo will be on the hot seat this year

We, this show, called the shot that the Indians were going to have a good year and the Chief Wahoo logo was going to be on the hot seat and people were going to all get upset. Well, guess what? They had a good year. They lost in the World Series, but they had a good year. They're back. Chief Wahoo still on the hot seat.

Coachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids

Coachella... It's gotten overrun, like completely blown out by mainstream people. It's burning man for millennial social media kids... where all the teens wear stupid sunglasses and feathers in their hair.

I would much rather see an all-time meltdown than an all-time comeback

I don't know if you agree with me on this one, I would so much rather see an all-time meltdown than an all-time comeback. An all-time meltdown, especially in golf, when it's just you out there... you're just stuck there sucking worse than anyone has ever sucked.

Jordan Spieth threw his caddy under the bus by referring to his mistakes as 'we'

Spieth did kind of throw his caddy under the bus in his post-game press conference. ... So he kept saying we, which is kind of weird, right? Because you're a golfer, and you're the guy out there hitting the shots. He's like, we had a tough time on 12. We made some bad shots.

Augusta National is where high fives go to die.

It’s where high fives go to die, I would say, because you have the highest concentrated group of white dorky guys... that's your go-to move at a game. You go for the high five. ... at Augusta, people are just throwing out high fives left and right. ... [a guy] went high five, missed it, and just gave the thumbs up. And that was just like the whitest experience that's ever happened.

Ernie Els is the biggest winner of the 2016 Masters because Jordan Spieth's meltdown made everyone forget his.

You know who the biggest winner of the Masters is? ... Ernie Els. I mean, no one remembers Ernie Els shitting all over himself now that Jordan Spieth had done the same. ... Sunday was boring. Oh, but Ernie Els really sucked on that first hole of the tournament, you know? But now... Jordan Spieth takes that kick. Ernie Els, he's off the hook.

Football is the best game that has ever been invented.

[Bruce Arians] said... Talking about football. 'It's the best game that's ever been fucking invented.' ... That's definitely a fire flame stake. That's one of the strongest statements I've heard, and I can't say I disagree with him.

The 2016 Golden State Warriors will win the NBA title and become an all-time team

The Golden State Warriors won their 72nd game last night against the Spurs. So now they are an all-time team. Unless they don't win the title. If they don't win the title, then it really doesn't matter. But we all kind of assume they will win the title. The Spurs will probably give them a great series. They will be an all-time team.

The 1996 Bulls would beat the 2016 Warriors because modern NBA rules don't allow defense

I got to take the bulls because when the bulls played, I don't know if you know this or not, but nowadays you're not allowed to play defense in the NBA. I've heard a lot of people say that recently and they've said it so much that I'm starting to agree with it.

The Cincinnati Reds don't suck and will be good this year.

Cincinnati Reds have been on a goddamn tear this year. 6-0 against the spread, 5-1, first place in the National League Central. ... they don't suck. ... I'm a big Reds fan from like way back in the day... the bottom line is I'm a big Reds fan is what I was getting at here.

Rick Reilly does not understand how the internet works

I don't think anyone has understood the internet less than Rick Reilly. He said, Willett's hug of his caddy on the couch in the butler cabin has got to be a vine, doesn't it? So I don't even know if Rick really understands what a vine is. I think he thinks a vine is a meme.

Golf guys are the biggest suckers in the world when it comes to buying equipment

Golf guys also are the biggest suckers in the world when it comes to equipment. You can never have enough golf equipment if you're a golf guy. You're buying the latest hybrid club, the cleats that are different than the old cleats you had, gloves that are anti-shock resistance. You're wrapping your clubs in different things.

Mickey Ward would beat Butterbean in a prime-versus-prime fight

In their prime? I'm going to have to go with Mickey Ward. ... Mitchell Rose knocked Butterbean's ass out. Mitchell Rose got more losses than you got fingers and toes. His only win was when he knocked out Butterbean... I done changed diapers tougher than Butterbean.

Trump would be a great shot in a duel because he is good at everything

Don't say that about Trump. Trump is good at everything. And he has experience. He went to military school. ... Trump would be a good shot because he's good at everything.

The Red Sox cannot claim fat discrimination against Pablo Sandoval because they knew he was fat when they signed him

They accepted him as being a lot-ass when they signed him, he was heavy. ... So they will accept them the way he was. ... We hired you and we knew that you were this tub of lard and it didn't matter at the time. ... The reason that we're letting you go is not because you're fat, but because you can't hit for a lick.

Liking bikini photos on Instagram proves Jim Harbaugh isn't a sociopath

The fact that he's going on Instagram and liking pictures of chicks in bikinis, that means maybe there's some hope for Harbaugh after all. ... Maybe he is human.

The Jaguars winning a Super Bowl is a futuristic impossibility

If the Jaguars ever win a Super Bowl, that that's like futuristic stuff, like hoverboard back to the future kind of stuff. The Jaguar, just that sentence, like Jaguars winning Super Bowl. That's something that you can my brain can't even compute that.

Jay Wright looks like a mafia guy who would break Rick Pitino's legs

Jay Wright in the first place, he looks like a mafia guy. Now, I don't have any proof, but he looks like the mafia guy that they send to break Rick Pitino's legs.

Twitter is going to turn into a television station for a while

So Twitter just agreed to broadcast 10 of the 16 Thursday night football games next year. What's going to happen, I think, is Twitter's going to just turn into a television station for a while.

Kobe Bryant had the best left-handed shot in the NBA

Kobe's like, I'm the best left-handed, the best left-handed... Do you remember when he broke his finger? Okay, so he breaks his finger in the game, doesn't check out. His line that night was like 18 and something with just one hand. He literally played with one hand... He looks over and goes, Amo, like what? He goes, I told you I had the best fucking left hand in the league.

Adam Schefter is feeling the heat from Jay Glazer and Ian Rapoport in the insider market

Schefter needs PR 101 because Schefter went on the Dan Patrick show and he started defending Greg Hardy. We call that the Jay Glazer effect. Jay Glazer's doing sit-downs with everyone. Schefter's feeling a little heat there. No one watches the NFL insider market more than I do. Schefter's feeling a little heat.

The Crying Michael Jordan meme will never die

The reason why the crying MJ meme will never die, and it's very simple, anyone who ever complains about it instantly gets the crying MJ meme on them so it's like it just it's a self-fulfilling you can't stop it.

JJ Watt still manually buys and alphabetizes music on iTunes

JJ Watt would be a guy who buys music still in 2016. Right. He spends $9.99 for every album and he's got like a very careful, everything's in like perfect order on his iTunes alphabetized. He's got the album artwork set up and everything.

Fireball is an acceptable ballpark drink until September 1st

I like to do airplane minis, like the mini bottles of Fireball... It's kind of like you don't wear white after Labor Day. You don't want to be drinking Fireball after like September 1st. After September 1st, you want to lose the flavored whiskey and get like some Jack Daniels or something because it's about a playoff push. So you got to focus. None of this sugary crap.

Preseason predictions are worthless and no one should care about them

I love preseason predictions because they're never right. I also love when people say like, oh, here are my preseason predictions so I can just get it on the record. Like anyone gives a fuck. Why would I care what you think? They're never right, and I just don't care.

The Cubs have the best team top-to-bottom in baseball

I do think the Cubs have the best team. And I know that everyone will be like, that's biased. They don't have the best pitching, but I'm talking about top to bottom team.

Losing a heartbreaker is better than getting blown out because women will console you

I would much rather be on a team that loses by like one point on a half court buzzer beater, because after the game's over, you're a little upset, you're sad, but guess what? There are going to be some chicks around. They're going to want to console you... If you get blown out, like you're even your wife at that point is going to pretend that she doesn't know who you are.

The rims at the Final Four were so soft I could have shot 50% on them.

I could have shot like 50% on those rims. Those rims, there was a few shots that were laughably like they would, the ball would just kind of like bounce around and just stay on the rim and then go in. It would hit like five pieces of the rim and then just fall in.

Being on rehab is the easiest money in professional sports

I'm addicted to actually rehab. It's the easiest money in pro sports. You don't ever have to play, and they keep sending you checks on the drugs. It's better than drugs, actually.

J.J. Watt could fix his image by doing 'dizzy bat' and falling on his face

He needs to play a round of drunken dizzy bat because you always fall on your face... Not only is he like, okay, he's a regular guy... He also will fall on his face and will laugh about that. And if he can laugh at himself after that, I mean, he's right back in everyone's good graces.

To fix your public image after a DUI, enter treatment, disappear for 40 days, and return with an inspirational tweet.

That's step one, enter treatment. You kind of got to bite the bullet on this one and just say, it's on me, and then disappear for, I don't know, 40 days or something, and then come back with an inspirational tweet, and then you're pretty much good. Everybody will forget about it.

The Saturday Final Four games will go under because players can't shoot in the NRG Stadium dome

I told everyone i think two days ago the unders are going to come in on saturday no one can shoot in the houston [NRG] something or other dome. So take the unders.

April Fool's jokes are only for women and corporations

I feel like April Fool's jokes are for chicks. Let's be honest. It's for chicks and also like corporations. It's really it's a holiday for girls and for brands. That's about it.

The Long family would beat the Gronkowski family in a Royal Rumble-style fight

Eventually we'll have [the Longs] do like a WrestleMania-type thing against the Gronkowskis, like a Royal Rumble or a tag team event... I would probably take the Longs, to be honest. I think both Kyle and Chris outweigh Rob Gronkowski... And then if you throw the dads into the equation... I would absolutely take the Longs. I think that Howie is a crazy man.

Benching Pablo Sandoval for being fat is counterproductive; the team should make him play more to burn calories

Benching him is like the opposite of what you want to do. If I'm a fat guy, if you tell me like, Hey, you're too fat to do your job. So you're just not going to do it anymore. I'm like, uh, like, so what's the catch? I get to just sit and like, hang out in the clubhouse now. If you want to get Pablo Sandoval to lose weight, you make him play like a simulated game, then the real game, then like another simulated game. Like just starve him to death and make him work so hard that he has to lose the weight.

90% of NFL players likely have a torn groin by the end of a season

I don't think that a torn groin is like – I'd say 90% of the NFL has a torn groin by the end of the season. I don't think this is anything special.

Matt Harvey can't be trusted in any aspect of his life because he doesn't pee at the right time

Matt Harvey is going to the bathroom when he has to go to the bathroom now everything else that Matt Harvey does you have to question... The fact that he can't control his own bowels means that he can't be trusted in any other aspect of his life. So, yeah, if I'm the Mets, I'm like, this is a big problem. Guy can't pee.

Villanova is a totally different team than they were earlier in the season when Oklahoma beat them

Villanova's a totally different team than what they faced early in the year. They were still trying to figure themselves out. Oklahoma had a little bit more of a veteran team. They played together. So, you know, that was an advantage for the Sooners. But, you know, if OU goes in there with the mindset like, hey, you know, we already beat this team by 25 and you start overlooking them... Your butt might be going home on Saturday.

Bet the unders for the Final Four because Houston's NRG Stadium is a very bad shooting stadium

Houston is a very, very bad shooting stadium. Very bad. It's in the big dome, the Reliant Energy Center, whatever the hell it's called. I think it went 7-1 unders last year when they played part of the tournament there.

Syracuse is a team of destiny to win the NCAA tournament

I'd probably put it on Syracuse at this point. I think they're a team of destiny. Might as well throw it some long shot odds. Have them win. I think I saw 10 to 1 to win the tournament. That's just two games. That's a nice little payday.

J.J. Watt would be a likable guy if he showed any human self-awareness

I've always said if he could just have a little self-awareness, I'd quickly become Team J.J. Watt. Because if he could just laugh at himself and be like a regular person, he'd be a very likable guy. If he could just show some element of being a human being and not a superhero.