Takes

Rocks are squishy until someone touches them

What if rocks are squishy until someone touches it? ... Whoa. It took you a second but now whoa that's crazy that's like they're all just a bunch of squishy starfish and then you touch it and it's hard it gets real hard.

The 2018 NBA Finals will be the Sixers versus the Timberwolves

I actually got put on the spot today, and I said it's going to be the Sixers versus the Wolves.

We should harness the power of tectonic plates using 'Groundmills' for energy

Groundmills. We harness the power of the Earth's tectonic plates... We just put a windmill that moves. It's a giant blade. And so whenever the fault lines shift, it pushes this huge blade that makes electricity for everybody.

Since pickles are green, a Dilly Dog is basically a salad

No, I like it [Dilly Dog]. You can put anything in a pickle. And guess what? Since pickles are green, it's basically a salad. If you wrap anything in green, boom. Healthy.

A child's athleticism depends on how 'athletic' the sex was at conception

I think it has more to do with how athletic the sex was when you actually were conceived. So if you're in a weird position, if you got like a leg up on a table, you're both sweating a lot, then you're going to have a really, really fast baby.

Aaron Boone is the best manager in the history of baseball

Aaron Boone, best manager in the history of baseball.

MLB doesn't need a catcher for the first two strikes if no one is on base

Why for like the first two strikes of a batter, if there's nobody on base, do you really need a catcher back there? ... It would fuck the batter up, and it would also throw off the timing because the pitcher would just throw the ball, and then he'd have to walk and go get the ball that he just threw.

Derek Jeter is unqualified to run a baseball team

What has Jeter done ever to run a team as a success? What has he done ever, period? What businesses has he ever run? ... Bernie Williams carried him when he was on the Yankees. So what makes him qualified to run this team other than he was a ball player? None. Nothing.

Josh Allen will throw the ball 90 yards at his Pro Day.

At his pro day, [Josh Allen] will probably throw the ball 90 yards. No joke. I'm not kidding. He'll throw it 90 yards. Just wait. I promise you. I'll bet a car on it. He will throw the ball 90 yards.

Basketball isn't really a sport.

Is it [basketball] a sport? You don't even have to watch until the fourth quarter.

Penn could be the first #16 seed to ever beat a #1 seed

I'm going to say this is the year that a 16 over one happens because why not? ... Penn, Kansas seems to be the one... If Kansas played Penn in a seven-game series, they're obviously going to move on, but it's a one-shot deal.

Jeff Fisher lied to the media about why he pulled me from the 2010 Steelers game

He pulls me... and he talking about the reason why he pulled me because I miss a meeting. Like coach, you knew why I missed the meeting. It was Steve McNair kids. Pop just passed away. He knew that I took the kids to school that morning to have breakfast with the kids, told him that. And he's told the media something different, like no Vince miss meeting. Like, how can you go out and say that to the media when you knew what i was doing and you granted me to do it?

ESPN should hire Curt Schilling and Keith Olbermann for a PTI-style debate show

Politics are big now. Trump is huge. Pick a side. ... hire a PTI-style debate show with Curt Schilling and Keith Olbermann. And just like the MJ-LeBron debate comes up every day, just do a Colin Kaepernick debate every single day. People want to hear that.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.

Curling, lacrosse, and rugby will be the only sports left by 2050

In the year 2050, those [curling, lacrosse, and rugby] are going to be the only three options of sports that you have.

Chris Farley is not funny at all

I'll stick by the not funny... in Dan Dakich's world, which is my own sweet little world, and it's a damn good world, that I don't think Chris Farley's very funny at all. And he's still alive... That dude was not funny. Still isn't funny. I can turn his stuff on today, and he's not funny.

I want to take out high interest loans to invest in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin 2Gen

I don't want to overreact, but I want to take out some high interest loans just so I can invest them in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin [2Gen]. That's how confident I am in this.

Kobe Bryant is the real GOAT because he doesn't need a debate partner

LeBron versus MJ is the GOAT debate... that means that LeBron and MJ need each other to be a part of the goat discussion... which means Kobe's the goat. Kobe doesn't need LeBron or MJ to be considered a goat debate. They're just Kobe. He'd debate against himself. Kobe 8 versus Kobe 24.

NBA playoff seeding should be based on a team's record against the gambling spread

I like for playoff seeding, I think we should do instead of best record, it should be best record against the spread. Let everyone start actually playing for the spread. It would be unbelievable if teams are up by like seven and the spread's nine and they're just gunning.

Russell Wilson has never actually had sex

I'm a Russell Wilson sex truther. I don't think that Russell Wilson's actually had sex. If he has, it's probably through a sheet. He's just not cool enough to have sex.

About 70% of NASCAR drivers use Adderall or similar medication to focus

[Big Cat: You've got to put a percentage on it... 90%? 70%?] I would say yes [to 70%].

I would rather win one Super Bowl and have fun than win five in a fear-based organization

I think a lot of guys just want to be happy playing football... It's like the Patriots, obviously, they won five Super Bowls. Is that necessarily guideline minds to win the Super Bowl?... I don't want to be serious. I want to be a not serious individual and get the job done.

The 'Patriot Way' is a fear-based organization where players don't actually enjoy themselves

I just think the the Patriot Way is it's a fear-based organization. Obviously, do they win? Hell yes, they win... Do I think people enjoy... you can say I had a lot of fun playing there? No, I don't. When they go to interviews they act like fucking robots. Hey, let's stop being a dickhead. We can be cordial for a little bit.

Isaiah Thomas is a mole sent by Danny Ainge to mess up the Cleveland Cavaliers

I'm of the opinion that Isaiah Thomas is a mole. I think that he has been sent to the team... I think this was all worked out. I think it's a fake feud between him and Danny Ainge... We need you to go over there, mess them up, call out Kevin Love, because LeBron's going to be mad because that's his job to call out Kevin Love.

Malcolm Butler was benched because of a gentleman's agreement trade between Bill Belichick and Sean Payton

Nobody knows why [Malcolm Butler was benched]... I actually think it's something else entirely. I think it's part of a gentleman's agreement between [Bill] Belichick and Sean Payton just to keep him healthy for the trade that is yet to be finalized. But it's definitely coming.

Josh Allen should be the #1 pick because he looks great in shorts

Josh Allen? ... He's tall. He's got big hands. He's got a cannon arm. Clearly, I'd take him number one. ... He also looks great in shorts. That's another thing about him.

Supporting the Chief Wahoo logo is actually anti-military because it represents stolen valor

Take a good look at Chief Wahoo because Chief Wahoo has one feather in his cap, right? And he's going around by Chief. This is stolen valor... that I word, is stealing valor from proper Chiefs. So if you support Chief Wahoo, then in reality, you're actually anti-military.

Players should be able to fight one fan per year

I would like to see them implement my longstanding idea that players should be able to fight fans. One fight a year. You get to fight any fan that mouths off to you. You get to go in there and beat their fucking ass. And if you lose that fight, you have to give your salary to the fan.

The Patriots filmed the Rams Super Bowl walkthrough

Off the record. [Big Cat: Did the Patriots film your walkthrough at the Super Bowl?] Yes. I'll say yes. And I think it gave him an edge as well. I mean, you know, we were really rolling that year, and no one covered us... TMZ never came out with that tape. You never saw that tape. [But] he [Terrell Buckley] was beating us to spots and he hadn't been there that long and he was on the street.

Kentucky stinks and might actually miss the NCAA tournament

Kentucky, hot take. Kentucky might miss the tournament. They stink... Kentucky is terrible, and if they continue on this path they're on, they might fall out of the tournament at the last second.

Blake Bortles is the 70th best quarterback in the NFL

Jacksonville is the best team in football... the problem is you've got to knock them down a few ranks because they have the 70th best quarterback... No, I'm not taking anything back from what I've said. Sorry. Negative.

Case Keenum has a Kurt Warner-style Hall of Fame career coming

I'm a Case Keenum believer, which means it'll probably burn me. But I've said that he's got the Kurt Warner Hall of Fame career coming.

If you appear on a screen for your job, you should be allowed to use steroids

My new rule is if in the course of your profession, you appear on a screen, you should be allowed to use steroids. That's a fair... It should be legal... If you appear on a screen in your job, just go ahead and shoot up whatever you want.

Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football

All of [Jeff Fisher's] players are going to the NFC Championship game, and I love it because it just solidifies that Jeff Fisher is the best coach in football.

Jake Fromm is better than any quarterback in the 2018 Draft class

I had a hot take. Jake Fromm is better than any of the quarterbacks that are in this year's draft.

Bill Belichick will become the commissioner of Lacrosse to take down the NFL

Bill Belichick hates the NFL, hates Roger Goodell... He's going to become the commissioner of lacrosse. He knows. He sees the writing on the wall. The NFL is going to be dead soon. Concussions. Everyone's going to stop playing... then he's going to start recruiting the best football minds to lacrosse... he goes on top as the best coach of all time [by taking down the NFL].

Jalen Hurts sucks

I have a take I'm squatting on. I think Jalen Hurts sucks, and he is going to do in the Alabama – because they – Their offense actually was not good against Clemson's defense.

The sun is a keyboard cowboy and a bitch

So the sun's like basically a little bitch, like a keyboard cowboy. Or the sun is just... We show up to its grill, and we're like, hey, say something to my face. And the sun's like, no, we're good here.

The sport of football will be unrecognizable in 20 years due to CTE and lawsuits.

I think football's in big trouble. Like, I really do... It is more about the future of the sport. And I don't know how it's going to continue when you start seeing lawsuits come to fruition, when you start seeing guys hang it up earlier than ever. I would say within 20 years, you will not recognize the sport of football.

UCF is the number one team and national champions

I've got UCF number one. Number one, national champions. The program that Blake Bortles built. Undefeated.

Joe Flacco sucks — he's not elite, he's not good, he honestly just sucks

Joe Flacco sucks. He's not good. He's elite, maybe. No, no — honestly, he sucks.

James Harrison is a double agent sent by the Steelers to infiltrate the Patriots

I almost think that he's a double agent, that the Steelers sent him in there... To give fake play calls... James Harrison was saying he was so pissed off at Mike Tomlin... It's like that episode of Homeland where Carrie testified that she hated the CIA and then she went to a mental institution.

Giving Sean McVay credit for the Rams is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae; it's Jeff Fisher's squad

Giving Sean McVay credit for this team is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae. This is Jeff Fisher's squad. This is his team. He invented this team.

Case Keenum is the next Kurt Warner and will eventually be a Hall of Famer

Case Keenum is like Kurt Warner in 1999 when everyone was like, come on, Kurt Warner, the backup, this guy, he's no one. Case Keenum is going to end up being a Hall of Famer. I'm squatting on that one. Because I've been saying all year, like, are we really doing this with Case Keenum? And we still are doing it. And he just keeps on rolling and rolling.

NFL replay should be fixed using a 'possession arrow' system from pickup basketball

I think they should just go to a straight pick up hoops thing where no one knows who hit the ball out, so it's like we get the next one. But any, like, controversial call, it's like, all right, you get it this time, we'll get it next time. That's good. I like that. Just keep trading it all year long.

Russell Wilson is lying when he claims God speaks to him directly

Are you saying that when Russell Wilson says that... God spoke to him as he was walking to the sidelines... you don't think that that was actually God talking to him? You're calling him a liar? [Foster]: Yeah, I am, actually. I don't think that we have an intervening divine presence in our universe at this moment... I don't believe your claim.

Wolves are not as tough as people make them out to be

I don't think wolves are as tough as we make them out to be. I think we just built up this prestige of them in our heads.

The Celtics will win five championships after LeBron James leaves for the Lakers

[Gordon Hayward] is going to beat LeBron, then LeBron's going to leave, go to L.A., and Celtics are going to win, like, five championships.

Bill Belichick will have Alex Guerrero killed within two years of Tom Brady retiring

Bill Belichick is going to have Guerrero killed within probably two years of Brady retiring. He knows too much.

Jerry Richardson's heart transplant turned him evil

He actually has a built-in spin zone for himself because he got a heart transplant like five years ago. So it's the other guy's heart. It's not him. It turned him evil.