Takes

The 49ers are 'cover machines' and I will keep betting on them

My cool throne is, number one, the 49ers for the gambling luck. They've lost the last, what, five games by three points or less? They're cover machines. I'm going to keep riding those Niners.

Philadelphia can't have nice things, so the Eagles' success will eventually fall apart

My hot seat is the Eagles. And this is quick... It just seems like it's too good right now. And Philadelphia can't have nice things.

Joel Embiid is a bad contract because his knees won't let him play

They just paid Joel Embiid like $150 million, even though his knees are terrible and he's probably not going to play.

Eli Manning might get traded to the Jaguars to reunite with Tom Coughlin

Do you hear this one about Eli Manning maybe getting traded to the Jaguars? Because Tom Coughlin. Think about it.

Mark Ingram has officially won the lead role in the Saints backfield over Adrian Peterson

Mark Ingram... he won the battle of who's going to be the bigger head on the two-headed running back committee in New Orleans... Adrian Peterson is out in Arizona.

The 'Golden Age' of podcasts is over now that people are making wedding planning podcasts

The couple that met because one was a fan of his podcast and then they're getting married and they're creating a podcast together about going through the wedding planning. That right there is like if you could think of the most stereotypical podcast podcast. It is over, boys. It is all done.

The LSU Athletic Director should be on the hot seat instead of Coach O

My hot seat, a lot of people are calling for Coach O to be on the hot seat. Nope. But read an article by Tom Fornelli... The athletic director is the one that should be squarely on the hot seat.

High school is useless and you don't learn anything you use as an adult

I'm kind of in agreement with [LaVar Ball] because who needs high school? Name one thing that you learned in high school that you used today. That's what I thought. No. You don't learn shit in high school.

The Titans signing Brandon Weeden creates a quarterback controversy in Tennessee

I have Marcus Mariota. So speaking of letting a bull into a China shop, the Titans signed Brandon Weeden. So that is a QB controversy in the waiting. I love it.

The NFC North is currently the 'Division of Quarterbacks' in the NFL

My other cool throne is names. Speaking of quarterbacks, cool throne... NFC North quarterbacks because that is officially the division of quarterbacks. Mitch Trubisky is going to start for the Bears... Matthew Stafford, Dark Horse MVP, Aaron Rodgers, Super Bowl winner, and Sam Bradford.

Bruce Arians is on the hot seat because he is losing his mind and making terrible challenges

Bruce Arians is officially actually on the hot seat because I don't think he has all his marbles... That challenge though, everyone was saying how bad it was, but it we correctly identified it as the football guy who gets so frustrated he just challenges a random play he knows he's gonna lose.

Khloe Kardashian lied about being pregnant just because she was jealous of Kylie's announcement

Khloe is super, super old and has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. I think she was so mad that Kylie announced she got pregnant, she just said she went too.

NFL ratings are down because players aren't sleeping with Kardashians anymore

Do you think that's why NBA ratings are up and NFL is down because none of the NFL players are sleeping with the Kardashians?

Twitter's 280-character limit will ruin threads and make the app unbearable

Twitter has announced that the app that everyone loves and can't make any money has announced they're going to make everyone read more. So 280 characters... I might not be able to be on Twitter anymore. That's so much reading. They just doubled their product. And they just ruined threads.

Ben McAdoo is officially not a football guy

I am officially, here's me, a rare thing done on Pardon My Take... I'm here to apologize. Ben McAdoo is not a football guy. Firmly not. The punch the kangaroo in the face stunt, that's when I knew he was not a football guy. That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

I am firmly anti-Tony Romo as a broadcaster because he provides too many spoilers

I'm fucking sick of everyone saying how great Tony Romo is... It's impressive that he calls plays, but I don't really want to know what's coming. It's a spoiler. He's literally doing in real time spoilers right in my face. And everyone's like, Tony Romo, such a breath of fresh air. I am firmly in the anti-Tony Romo until people just cool down a little about it.

Tony Romo is driving NFL ratings down by spoiling the games

I think he's driving the ratings down because you're not going to go... People turn off the TV right as he says [the play]. They know what's going to happen. It's like right when Napster came out, people stopped going to the record store and buying CDs. Why would you buy the cow if you can get the milk for free from Tony?

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

Breaking news: Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet

I think I'm going to go with the DM rumor and confirm that Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet. I've heard the same rumor... Mike Gundy does not have a mullet anymore.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year. So your [PFT's] trade analysis now on the hot seat. Oh, last year, I mean, he had pretty damn good stats with the worst offensive line basically ever. Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Les Miles is coming for Magic Johnson's title as the most obvious tweeter on the internet

Magic, you're on the hot seat. If Les [Miles] starts figuring out how to predict MVPs and stuff, Magic might be out of a job.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

Malcolm Gladwell would probably beat LeBron James in a long-distance foot race

LeBron got challenged by Malcolm Gladwell to a foot race... These fucking nerds, all they do is they go and find the biggest alpha on the block... they're like, hey, I'll challenge you to this sport that's not a sport and we'll make it really long distance so you get super tired. And I honestly can see Malcolm Gladwell winning. Nerds are always faster because they have to run from their bullies from a young age.

The Washington Nationals have a 100% chance of making the NLDS

The Nationals are officially Gucci... The Sabermetrics came out, and they have a 100% chance of making the [NLDS]. I don't know how they can calculate that just yet, but I'm not very smart.

Guam is on the Cool Throne because North Korea backed down from their missile threats

Cool throne is Guam. The island of Guam. People forget that exists. Yeah, North Korea, they turned their missiles away. They cucked out big time. They said, guess what? We're going to point our missiles at our own belly buttons or something stupid.

The Chicago Bulls' 'TNT Bulls' home winning streak is still alive because they weren't scheduled for any TNT games

The NBA has run away, cowards. They have not scheduled the Bulls, the Chicago Bulls, on TNT Thursday night this year... the record, the 20 straight home wins on TNT, you can't lose if you don't play.

Alabama football would be terrible if it had higher SAT requirements

Josh Rosen... said that if you raise the SAT score requirement to get into Alabama, they'd have a shitty football team. So he's calling the entire state of Alabama dumb, basically... why would anybody want to go to school in Alabama if they had to be smart to go there?

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Derrick Rose signing with the Cavs is sad and marks the end of his relevancy

Derrick Rose just signed with the Cavs... He's going to be LeBron's little sidekick. Is he going to be Robin? It's very sad how his career has turned out. $2.1 million to play with a guy that he absolutely despised when he was in Chicago.

Golf is in good hands with Jordan Spieth as the new face of the sport

Golf is officially on the cool throne because Jordan Spieth, he is now the new face of golf. I don't know if you guys have seen, but golf is in good hands now. We're out of the woods with the post-Tiger Woods era. Jordan Spieth's the guy.

No one will be put in a position of importance in America if they have weird hair

No one's going to get put into a position of importance in America if they have weird hair. That's a fact.

Mike Gundy's mullet should be considered an NCAA recruiting violation

I actually threw out the idea that [Mike Gundy's] mullet might now become a recruiting violation because who wouldn't want to play for him?

Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods in golf right now

The real question is it sounds like Serena Williams could beat Tiger Woods now.

Winning the Home Run Derby will mess up Aaron Judge's swing

I'm going Aaron Judge's swing. Because everyone knows the home run derby, whoever wins it, it messes up their swing. It absolutely does... He was on track to win Rookie of the Year, maybe Triple Crown, but watch out. I already saw chitter chatter on Twitter that watched out for his swing.

No specific controversy will ever be enough to bring down the Trump family

People who think this is the controversy to bring down the Trumps, because my favorite part about whatever the Trumps are getting into the entire family is the reaction saying this is it. This is the one. And guess what? This probably isn't the one, so you only have about 24 hours to say it's the one until everyone's like, eh, nothing's probably going to happen.

Adrian Wojnowski is on the hot seat for being 'cucked' by his own reporting and transition to TV

Woj, Adrian Wojnowski on the hot seat big time. He was getting cucked left and right on his reporting... He actually screwed up because he walked back the Gordon Hayward trade, right? And so he's like, actually, it's not done. And then he got double cucked over the top when Gordon broke his own news.

Summer is the best time for Kenny Chesney

My cool throne is Kenny Chesney. When it's hot like this, it's summertime, it's the best time for Kenny Chesney. So he's got a solid two months where you can play Kenny Chesney pretty much at any place, and it will work.

The Bulls front office vote for Executive of the Year was a self-vote by Gar Foreman

Gar Foreman, he got a single vote for executive of the year. ... I still think it was himself I think it was himself it's like James Harden getting one vote for defensive player of the year yeah survey says it was himself

Joe Biden will eventually run for President

The big one is Joe Biden... He said, I have no intention of running for president, but I'm a great respecter of fate. So that is, I love that line. I too am a great respecter of fate... Joe Biden is only running for president if God tells him he should. And then once God tells him he should, well, what are you going to do?

Mitch Trubisky should start early because the Tim Tebow model worked for John Fox

John Fox... just said he wants to start getting Mitch Trubisky as much experience as possible, as early as possible... because it worked really well when he got Tebow. All that experience right away.

Dennis Rodman is the greatest American diplomat in history

Dennis Rodman... has proven that he is the greatest American diplomat in history... He just went to North Korea. But he freed that hostage that was over there.

J.J. Watt rejected the Top 100 players list only to show everyone how humble he is

J.J. responded to it and said, I only played three games last year. What a joke this list is. So J.J. gets it. He's going to make sure that everybody knows how humble he is. And he's rejecting the title of a top 100 player. While also letting everyone know that he made the top 100 list.

Ohio State's unrealistic coaching wish list is a strategic 'anchoring' move

This is a great move by OSU, though, because if you just throw out the wish list that's just insane, everyone's like, okay, well, that's crazy. And then you get one of those second-tier guys that you probably were a third-tier. Yes, it's called anchoring. Anybody who's negotiated knows this. You ask for way, way more than you should get, then you'll get a little bit more than you deserve.

If one nuclear bomb is launched, the whole world will blow up in a chain reaction

North Korea is developing nukes, and my theory is once one of those... So I've always thought once one nuclear bomb goes in the air, then... All the other countries and worlds are going to let them off, and then the whole world's going to blow up.

The Browns hiring Ryan Grigson is a threat to the AFC North

My hot seat is the AFC North. And my reason why is because the Browns hired Ryan Grigson. So watch out... I'm very excited to see how Ryan Grigson can fuck up the Browns even more. It will be interesting. That's a great challenge for that guy.

I'm destined to see Ovechkin win a Stanley Cup with a different team

The Washington Capitals are... Our fans, we're entering cuck territory. And it's Ray Bourque all over again. So I'm destined over the next five years to see Ovechkin win a Stanley Cup with a different team. And for me to cry during it and be like, I'm so glad and applaud him and be like, I'm glad he finally got his chance.

The Capitals and Ovechkin should split up because their regular season success is too good

I do think I am of the mindset that the Capitals and the [Ovechkin] should just be like, you know, hey, maybe this thing isn't working out anymore. Maybe it's just, you know, we love each other. Maybe our sex is just too good. Our regular season sex is too good. So we got to split up.