Takes

LeBron James is intentionally sabotaging the Lakers so they can draft Bronny

He's trying to fuck up the Lakers roster so badly that they will be in a position to draft Bronny. So then he goes back to Cleveland and then he comes back to LA to play with Bronny.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Nebraska would have played Georgia closer than Michigan did in the 2021-22 CFP

They [Nebraska] probably would've played Georgia within like eight points. I swear to God. I swear to God.

The NBA should get rid of the three-point line

I think they should get rid of the three really... I think much like the shot clock, where they were like enough of this... I think he should get rid of the three really.

Kyler Murray leads the league in nonsense

All of this nonsense is not what I'm about. Never has been, never will be... All that says it, all, all of this nonsense that I, that I directly caused is I'm not. And you can make the case that this is just more nonsense, correct? I think Kyler Murray leads the league in nonsense.

I could last a two-minute shift in the NHL and score a goal by crashing the net

If we threw you out there, could you last a shift in the NHL? It's like two minutes, right? Yeah. I think I got that. I mean, yeah. I mean, for fighting for 30 seconds of this shift... maybe just crash the net, just get in front of them that, yeah. Push the goalie around and see, who's got the goalies back. It's a playoff goal.

The NFL has a 'super team' problem because the last two winners were built this way

I want to get ahead of the take because someone's about to drop this one. Does the NFL have a super team problem? Cause the last two super bowls were ruined by super teams.

Home runs are going to increase because MLB stopped testing for steroids

My cool throne are yobbos, dingers, home runs, whatever you want to call them. Because for the first time in 20 years, Major League Baseball is stopping testing its players for steroids... I love it. Everybody use the ball and juice to go back and forth.

Christian McCaffrey and the Carolina Panthers are dead to me in Fantasy Football

Carolina Panthers. Nothing. Yeah. I like that. So Chris McCaffrey officially dead to you now. He is dead to me. You know? What's so funny when I auto drafted him... I said to myself, he's going to get injured... So never Carolina Panthers.

The world would have more in common if everyone sat down and watched Jackass together

I still to this day... I think that you could take Jackass, you could show it to ISIS and they would laugh their balls off. They would, it would actually bring the world together. If we could just have a set aside two hours where everybody in the world sits down and watch Jackass, and we'd be like, you know what? We got a lot more in common than maybe we thought.

Coach K is a hypocritical fraud for refusing halftime media interviews

Whoa. Are you, are you just realizing now that huge [hypocrite] fraud? Well, no. Jake is just realizing now because it's about halftime interview with the media. He never does halftime because he plays, plays on the roof. That's crazy. Like I understand he's a legend for whatever, but just take the interview.

Major Biden should be the animal mascot for the Washington Commanders

I'm hoping that since we're the commanders, which is the name of one of Joe Biden's dogs, the good one, Major Biden becomes the animal mascot. That'd be awesome to have him just patrolling the sidelines, biting the opponent, pissing and shitting all over himself. That's what I want.

The ACC is rigged and the referees are bullshit

Also, my Fyre Fest is the ACC refs are fucking bullshit. ACC's rigged. I'm going to get an investigation. What they did to Louisville on Tuesday night will not stand. So I stand with Louisville and all the people who are angry about that game.

Tom Brady's retirement is a '3D chess' move to eventually return to the Patriots

Tom Brady unretires, comes back, plays for the Patriots, and that's why he's not thanking the Patriots yet... This is 3D chess. He's using this to go back to the Patriots because the Buccaneers, he doesn't think, can take him to another Super Bowl. But the Patriots could.

If a wide receiver touches the ball, he is responsible for catching it

Anytime it barely grazes wide receivers' fingers, Hank will be like, well, I thought it was, if you touch it, you can catch it... just because he touches it doesn't mean you can catch it... [Hank]: Millions of dollars. He gets paid millions of dollars to make that catch.

The only way to stop Patrick Mahomes is to install Kliff Kingsbury as his head coach

The only thing you can do to stop Patrick Mahomes is install Kliff Kingsbury as his head coach. He's the only person that's been able to bottle them up.

Evan McPherson is already the second-best kicker in the NFL

I think we can say Evan McPherson already the second best kicker in the NFL... People are like, why would you ever draft a kicker? You draft a kicker because he's Evan McPherson and he's Zack like right now, in retrospect, if you were to say, how, what would you spend on Justin Tucker right now? Would you use a first round pick on him? Yeah, you probably would.

Microwaves are the best invention of all time and better than air fryers

When did we just start disrespecting the mighty microwave? The microwave is the best invention, maybe of all time. You put something in there, it gets so hot... It boils water in 15 seconds and everybody's just sleeping on it... microwaves are coded. They are all right.

Kyler Murray has gotten slower, softer, and shorter

Kyler Murray has gotten slower, softer, and shorter... he was getting chased down from behind by guys that were about 150 pounds heavier than him on a regular basis.

Mike McCarthy's brain processes information slowly because he is obese

I am this person myself... Mike McCarthy and so I am this person, myself... when they zoom in on his face, I'm like, he's so fat that he just thinks slower than everyone. Like, that's what I think. I'm like he's—he's not processing at the same speed. He's like an old, outdated computer.

I want my mind to get duller as I get older, rather than sharper

I never want to do anything that sharpens my mind. I want it to get duller and duller as days go by... Gary V being like learn something new every day. No, come on. I'm just trying to just get up, wake up and then go to sleep.

The NFL is rigged for ratings and views

How somehow some way, and the fourth quarter... the scores magically are going to line up. If this team gets a touchdown in a two point conversion, it's like, wow, it's, it's rigged. This is rigged for ratings, for views.

Jaguars fans should keep wearing clown outfits because they are undefeated as clowns

You also got to keep wearing clown outfits. I think if you're Jags fans, right? You're undefeated as the clowns. Yes. You are the clowns. Change the team name to the clowns.

Kirk Cousins needs to play worse to help his team win

Kirk Cousins is without a doubt like top 10, maybe top 5 guy in some of those [stat] categories. I think I figured out his problem though, because they lost a lot of games where he played well, statistically. Well, I think he's just too good. And I think that he scores too fast sometimes, and then puts his defense in a position to lose. Kirk needs to get a little bit worse at playing if he wants to be truly good.

The Saints would have been the one seed if Jameis Winston hadn't gotten injured

The real question is do the saints get the one seed overall if Jameis Winston doesn't get injured. [PFT: Yes.] I think definitely. I think definitely.

Joe Judge is lying about players wanting to stay with the Giants

Joe Judge is clearly at the point of his career season, whatever you want to say, where he's just making shit up, literally making shit up. He's just saying shit to say shit. He doesn't actually believe any of it. None of it is actually true.

Drew Brees is selfish for not coming out of retirement to save the Saints' MNF game

Fuck Drew Brees for sending that smarmy-ass text back when they're like, please, Drew, can you please come back and play for us again? He's like, no, I'm out here golfing... Fuck Drew Brees. He should have done that. He's selfish for not coming back and making America experience the Ian Book game because it wasn't even entertaining bad.

The Browns would be better with Kirk Cousins and the Vikings would be better with Baker Mayfield

I actually think that the way that those two teams are built, the Browns would be better with Kirk Cousins. And the Vikings would be better with baker Mayfield than they are right now... if Kirk cousins was on the Browns and it's like, okay, all you do is you take what's there. You let your defense handle business, you run the ball. That's kind of the team that he's built to win for... I think that baker would be better with the weapons that they have in Minnesota, where yeah. You can make a few mistakes, but also you can hit a shitload of home runs.

The Packers are a finesse team not built for the cold

I don't think that this Packers team is built for the cold. I think that the, I think they're built for a finesse. You know, they're built for global warming... I don't know if they're built for the call. I think that the, the Cowboys team that we're seeing right now, that team travels better than the cold than the Packers do.

Trevor Lawrence might be a bust after his late-game spike play

That spike he had on third down, what the fuck was that? That was crazy... he burned third down with the, with the spike. It's like, why wouldn't you, why don't you throw it to the end zone? It was crazy... that one made me think, like he might actually be a bust.

Russell Wilson is punishing DK Metcalf for his personal life off the field

[DK Metcalf] got his shit aired out by some thought who was like, oh, DK, didn't make me sign an NDA. So I'm going to put this all over Snapchat and tell the world that he was asking me for a foursome. And now that news came out now, Russell doesn't pass it... He's punishing DK for being a red blooded American male.

The Baltimore Ravens have a better chance of winning with Tyler Huntley than Lamar Jackson

I feel like the Ravens have a better chance of beating the Bengals with Huntley than they do with Lamar. And not because Lamar is a worse player overall. But I think that whatever offense they're running with Huntley rocks, it's clicking for some reason right now.

Aaron Rodgers is faking his toe injury to stop people from talking about his vaccination status

I think I'm a toe truther. I don't think that Aaron Rodgers actually has a toe injury. I think that he did have a toe injury... He was under a lot of fire from a lot of people from the whole immunized versus vaccinated thing. And he was like, what's going to get all the freaks out there to stop complaining about my vaccination status? I'll put out a gross foot pick and then everybody will talk about that picture... Now guess what the whole story is about how tough I'm being playing on my fake broken toe, gutting out the end of the season. No, one's talking about my vaccination status anymore.

Blatant holds against Aaron Donald should count as sacks

Blatant holds should count as sacks for the defensive lineman... the guy had to wrestle Aaron Donald to the ground. That was the only way that he wasn't going to give up a sack.

Refs shouldn't call pass interference on fade routes

You shouldn't even get pass interference calls on fades because it's such a dumb play call.

U.S. politicians should settle disputes in MMA matches

Two politicians down in Brazil... had a three round MMA fight, which was sick... I really wish I kinda wish that would happen more in the United States and other places.

Chase Claypool shouldn't be blamed for the Steelers' loss because a Viking knocked the ball out of his hand

Billy thinks that it wasn't [Chase Claypool's] fault that they lost the game. Billy thinks that it should have been a penalty penalty. They never caused the Vikings for knocking the ball out of his hand. [Billy]: he could have done that little celebration. Then the ref would God there... it also should have been a penalty.

Lamar Jackson is a limited passer who stinks at throwing short passes

I will say it with my chest. When I criticize his throwing short passes, he does stink at throwing short passes.

Babe Ruth would not even be a Double-A player in today's game

I saw a video, someone found a video of like 19-whatever the fuck he was born, he had a shitty swing. He looked slow and fat. If he was in today's day and age, he wouldn't even fucking be in AA. Who the fuck out of him put down field stands that I'm taking away his pinstripes. I'd probably strike him out.

NFTs are becoming more valuable than diamonds

Turns out there's a bunch of new diamonds that are fake, but no one can tell the difference... De Beers is totally panicking because now diamonds have no value. So Hot Seat: Diamond... NFTs are kind of more valuable than diamonds, I think about it.

Doing spreadsheets so fast that you sweat counts as blue collar work

I don't care if you're just like a little bit out of shape, you're doing spreadsheets. You're doing them really fast. I agree if you're so fast on the computer that it makes you sweat. That's blue collar for sure. A hundred percent.

The Lions are not the worst team in the NFL despite their record

The Lions are not the worst team in the NFL, even though they are, they, it took them this long to get the win. Like if you look at point differential, the fact they've been in every game, all those things like the lines are not the worst team in the NFL. And finally they get a win.

I would rather have Taylor Heinicke on my team moving forward than Russell Wilson

I would rather have Taylor Heinicke on my team right now, moving forward than Russell Wilson, which it sounds insane to say, especially thinking back like four or five weeks ago when he looked so bad, but he's, he's legitimately fun to watch.

The Rams are frauds and Matt Stafford is struggling against winning teams

Last game, Packers, Rams. Rams stink. they won the week three Superbowl against the Bucs. And then every team that they've played, that's good. Since then, they've lost. Like, that's just a fact. Matt Stafford is eight and 67 all time when playing against the team that finished above 500.

Gonzaga talent-wise might be the best NCAA basketball team in 30 years

Talent wise, they might be the best NCAA basketball team that I've seen in the last 30 years.

Texas made a mistake by firing Tom Herman given their current dumpster fire

I'll go one further. If you're Texas, you regret firing Tom Herman... Sarkeesian is still like... they've lost seven in a row and lost to Kansas? Like, I think that's how bad it's gotten at Texas, that there's definitely Texas fans are like, wait, did we make a mistake here by firing Tom Herman?

Tim Boyle should not be in the NFL

What the fuck is Tim Boyle? Why is Tim Boyle in the NFL? ... He wasn't even good at UConn. He actually sucked at UConn. And then he transferred to Eastern Kentucky and had a breakout season his senior year where he threw for 11 touchdowns and 13 interceptions. After sucking at UConn, he sucked at Eastern Kentucky, and now we've just agreed that he's going to be an NFL quarterback?

The Buffalo Bills are fraudulent right now

The bills have a issue, a fundamental issue that I'm worried about for bills fans. I'm trying very, very hard not to say the F word, but they seem fraudulent right now because they got, we talked about tough teams and man football teams. The culture that the bills are not right now.

Trevor Lawrence has 'bust smells' coming from him

This is just, it's becoming a situation where it's impossible to evaluate them. I'm going to need at least three years of tape on Trevor Lawrence before I make a definitive declaration. But he's, there's some bus smells coming from him.

Tiger Woods is back

I was backs tiger woods. And so on. The golf club is deep. People went crazy... He swung a golf club. I've won one crazy.