Takes

I could shoot the same score in the PGA Championship playing left-handed

What would you shoot if you had to play the PGA Championship left-handed? [Koepka]: Probably the same as I would right-handed, honestly. ... I have no idea. I just know just swing as hard as you can from the other side of the ball.

My performance at the Masters was one of the most heroic things ever done

And I started talking about how heroic it was [playing the Masters injured], and people took great umbrage with that comment... You agree. [Koepka]: I couldn't have agreed anymore. Absolutely. I mean, it might have been one of the most heroic things ever done.

The United States should bomb the outback of Australia just to show we're still crazy

We need to bomb somebody. Not that we really care. Some open area. Like the outback of Australia. Nobody lives there. Kangaroos. Fuck up some kangaroos. ... Just to show [Russia], look how fucking crazy we are.

The Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio didn't exist before the movie 'City of God' and was just a prop

I don't even think [the Christ the Redeemer statue] existed before that movie City of God. I think they just put it in there as a prop. It's like the Rocky statue.

Tim Tebow is a shysty guy who is all about himself

There could be a chance that Tebow is just a really shysty guy. It's all about himself.

The entire NFC North could fit inside the landmass of Jacksonville

Did you know the entirety of the NFC North could fit inside Jacksonville? Every other city. Chicago, Detroit [In the landmass of Jacksonville]. And they only add up to like half of Jacksonville.

The NBA's current play-in tournament structure for the 7th and 8th seeds is stupid.

I just hate that they — like, they had something good. Eight versus nine is good... When you add the 10th seed, it's stupid. And the fact that the 7th seed could potentially not make the playoffs is even dumber. I just hate the whole thing.

The Wizards could beat the Brooklyn Nets in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

I think that if the Wizards beat the Celtics, if they end up matching up against the Nets, I think that the Wizards could actually beat the Nets in the first round.

I would love to see a 'Subway Series' between the Knicks and the Nets in the Eastern Conference Finals.

I would love to see, ooh, a Subway Series, Knicks-Nets, Eastern Conference Finals.

If the Nets reach the NBA Finals before the Celtics do, they officially won the Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett trade.

The Nets have a chance to possibly get to the finals or win the NBA championship. Would they have officially won the trade with the Celtics when they traded all those guys and they got all the picks back because the Nets would be in the finals before the Celtics were?

Joel Embiid is the most dominant player in the NBA right now.

Embiid is, you could make the argument, is the most dominant player right now in the NBA... Joel Embiid, when healthy, is the most dominant player in the NBA.

I will not feel any sadness when NBC loses its NHL broadcasting rights because their current coverage is an abomination.

NBC, I want to give a shout out to NBC... the score bug and no Doc Emmerich... just makes it easy. Like, it's okay to say goodbye to NBC. The score bug is an abomination to the Lord. And not having Doc out there... I want to thank NBC for making this as easy as possible.

The 2021 NHL playoffs are under a 'bird alert' because every bird-themed team has lost their opening games.

Sabermetric stat of the week for the NHL playoffs, the entire league's on bird alert. All bird teams have lost so far. It's just the penguins. That counts.

Penguins and ostriches do not count as birds because if you cannot fly, you are just a bus.

I know it's technically a bird, but if you can't fly, you're not a bird... [Penguins] are buses... That'd be like pointing at a bus and being like, look at that airplane.

Urban Meyer is trying to recreate his Florida Gators teams by moving Travis Etienne to wide receiver.

Urban Meyer is just that report that Travis Etienne is taking reps as only a wide receiver... He's trying to create Percy Harvin. I understand what he's doing, I think... He just wants to recreate the Florida team.

Hiring highly experienced coaches and former great players like Anthony Lynn and Mark Brunell is a sign of security, not a threat to my job.

As a head coach, that could be a little bit like, oh, crap, man, am I hiring my replacement? Am I hiring somebody that knows more than I do about this position? And I don't look at it that way at all. I look at it as like, man, these guys got experience. Anthony Lynn's done this. He's been in that seat... I think alpha comes with having security.

Penei Sewell was the best overall prospect in the 2021 NFL Draft.

We did know that Sewell was one of if not the best prospect in this draft. That's what we really believed... we did not think he would fall to us like that.

I would give up an arm in exchange for a Super Bowl victory in Detroit.

I might end up losing an arm because of it [a pet lion], but that would be even better. [Big Cat: If I said Dan Campbell, you are going to win a Super Bowl in Detroit?] One arm. Yes. There it is.

When trailing by 14 points, you should kick the extra point rather than go for two based on 'manalytics'.

I would rather kick the extra point, and now I'm at the end of the game, and where are we at? Are we worn out? Are we tired? And let's go for two then... I get the whole point of it... but my God, tell me where we're at in the game.

A 'football turd' is someone who has ego problems, doesn't study, and doesn't love the game.

A turd is somebody that's constantly getting in trouble off the field. He does not love football. He's not very smart, doesn't care about studying. He's not a team guy. He's got major ego problems. That's a football turd, man.

House cats are prima donnas that can be easily defeated by any human.

A house cat means that that cat's drinking milk, that cat's sleeping in beds... that cat is fucking total prima donna... I'll fucking strangle a house cat.

I could defeat a bald eagle in a fight by grabbing it and slamming it on the ground.

The move would be to jump up in the air and to grab it like you're mossing nature. And you just grab it and then you slam it on the ground. Smother it... while it's trying to do that, just boom, stamp him on his head.

I would defeat a King Cobra in a fight by letting it bite me and then strangling it.

I would simply let it bite me. And then after it was latched on, then you just strangle it. And hope it doesn't kill you... if you kill the cobra first, but you die after, you still win.

Crocodiles are easier to defeat on land than cobras because they cannot move laterally.

I actually think I'd have more trouble with the cobra than I would a crocodile. It's at foot level, so it's perfect kicking... I would just run around it to its back and then just fucking get him from behind. He can't move laterally.

I would have a 50-50 shot in a fight against a full-grown elephant if I could trick it or make it dizzy.

I'm going to say elephant 50-50 shot... elephants are another case of an animal being so smart that you can trick it. So you could probably get an elephant really dizzy just by running in circles around it.

Blake Bortles is a great fit for the Packers because the league is moving toward mobile quarterbacks

I think that this is a good landing spot for him. I think the Packers see the direction that the league's going in. You need a quarterback that can move. He's got the highest yards per carry of any quarterback in the NFL, I think, in the last five years. I think this is going to be a great system for him up there.

Aaron Rodgers will be the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers Week 1

I think Aaron Rodgers is going to be the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers week one. I still do. We have our friend of the program, John Kuhn, acting as an intermediary to the public, saying that he thinks there's a way for them to come together, which essentially means the Green Bay Packers are going to pay Aaron Rodgers a shitload of money.

The Saints' Week 7 game against the Seahawks will be the moment everyone realizes Drew Brees is really gone

Week 7, Monday Night Football, the Saints at Seahawks. I think that will be the first moment where we're like, oh yeah, Drew Brees isn't on the Saints anymore because we'll be waiting to watch Monday Night Football and for Drew Brees to break some record that isn't there anymore.

Tom Brady will break one of Drew Brees' records when he returns to New England in Week 4

Tom Brady going back to his old stomping grounds... and that's probably going to be the weekend where he breaks one of Drew Brees' records, I think.

The Jaguars vs. Dolphins game in London will be a hilarious 'fish out of water' situation that everyone will watch despite claiming it sucks

The Dolphins versus Jaguars in London, that is going to be a hilarious game that no one's going to watch, but we're all going to watch. Everyone's going to be like, this game sucks. We're not going to watch it. And then we're all going to watch it.

The 49ers will finish 8-8-1 this year

The 49ers, I feel like they're going to be new quarterback, probably 8-8-1 this year. [I am] just predicting what I normally would predict and then throwing a tie in at the end.

LeBron James will hobble into the playoffs then start dropping triple-doubles on everyone

I think LeBron's going to be like Willy Wonka coming to the gate. Like, he's just hobbling, hobbling, hobbling, does a tumble, and now he's just dropping triple-doubles in everyone's face. Like, I think he's going to be fine.

This is the Capitals' year to win the Stanley Cup again

I think it's the Caps year again. The Caps year, yeah. The only thing I'm struggling with is I'd like to incorporate Cap into a t-shirt for Caps year.

Medina Spirit will almost certainly be disqualified from the Kentucky Derby

If the split sample comes back, the second sample that Baffert is sending out to verify the presence of beta-methasone in the horse's system, if it comes back positive, the horse is going to be disqualified almost certainly from the Kentucky Derby... I feel pretty confident in saying that the horse will probably be disqualified.

The medication in Medina Spirit's system made zero difference in the Kentucky Derby outcome

The amount of beta-methasone that he had in his system absolutely positively in my opinion and according to the opinion of some of the top veterinarians that I've talked to made zero difference whatsoever in the way the horse ran in the derby. It was one one millionth of a gram... There's no way that it had any impact at all on the way he ran.

Bet against Medina Spirit in the Preakness because his Kentucky Derby victory was due to an fluke easy pace

If you're a better player, and the odds of the horse in the Preakness reflect what he did in the Kentucky Derby when he got away with such an easy, advantageous trip... then you're supposed to bet against horses like this. So that's the justification against Medina Spirit.

Jockey changes among elite riders make zero difference in major races

When you're betting and you get into a race like the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness, the jockeys involved are all so good and so competent that the difference between jockey A and jockey B, jockey B and jockey C is negligible... just ignore the rider and focus on the abilities of the horse.

Bet on a Sacred Life and Some Like It Hot Brown exacta in the Dinner Party Stakes

Chad Brown has a horse in there named Sacred Life that looks like an absolute standout... I think if you hook him up in an exacta with the number one horse, Some Like It Hot Brown... I like the 5-1 Exacta, Sacred Life and Some Like It Hot Brown in the race before the Preakness.

I will not be a 'mail it in' employee during my final days at ESPN

I wouldn't do that. I have too much [pride]... even on the days where you show up late and you're kind of scattered, like when it's time to do the show, like I have pride in what I do... I absolutely always give effort.

Mistakes are funny and sports broadcasts shouldn't be afraid to laugh at them

Some other people at the place... are just straighter arrows that just think, oh, God, we can't clown around about mistakes. I'm like, no, man, mistakes are funny... bring me color bars all day long because I'll just say, you know, we still are in the fight for the technical achievement.

I can still throw a football 60 yards

I bet I could hit 60 [yards]. I saw you threw a fastball. You did the first pitch for a Mariners game, and you got, what, 68? Yeah, and I got to 72 the next year. You still got a cannon. My goal was, but it's funny, that sounds so lame.

The public should wear masks for one more week to cover my cold sore

My Fyre Fest is masks off, which is great, but I'm getting a cold sore right now... this is the worst possible time ever... I think that we should do one more week. If we just go masks one more week, I think that'll be perfect timing.

Real men get the Johnson & Johnson vaccine because it's the 'sketchy' one-shot option for lazy people

I do feel like more of a fucking man because I went and got the Johnson and Johnson. And it's partly because I'm just lazy. I didn't want to go back for a second shot... I got the one that like knowingly people are like, hey, that one's sketch. And I'm like, I don't care.

Free Bob Baffert

Either way, free Bob Baffert. There's a lot of things wrong with horse racing. Bob Baffert isn't one of them.

The Wizards are the least consequential team in all of sports

I would make the argument that the Wizards are probably the least consequential team to ever pay attention to in all of sports.

The NBA play-in tournament is stupid because a 7th seed can miss the playoffs

I still think it's stupid that you could finish with the seventh seed and not make the playoffs. That part is very dumb to me.

The Celtics weren't going to make any noise in the playoffs anyway

They weren't going to make any noise in the playoffs anyway.

Justin Fields will start Week 1 for the Bears

I think that there's a good chance Justin Fields starts week one. I do too. I hope so.

Ben Affleck was 'tampering' with J-Lo while she was engaged to A-Rod

Ben Affleck was tampering. Ben Affleck, it was reported, was texting J-Lo in February when J-Lo and A-Rod were still engaged. That is illegal. That is tampering.

Tim Tebow signing with the Jaguars is a 'big joke' and he can't play tight end

This is an interesting signing, and it's a stupid signing. And I will absolutely say that this is a big joke because he can't play. He couldn't play quarterback. He was a terrible quarterback. He hasn't played since 2012. He's going to be 34 years old, and he has no suddenness to his game. He can't play tight end.