Takes

Tim Tebow has a 0% chance of making the Jaguars roster

Zero [percent chance]. Zero. I'd go even lower if I could go.

Aaron Rodgers will be on the Packers Week 1

He will be. They're dug in, and they should be dug in. Why would you trade him?

Quarterbacks should not have input on personnel decisions or hiring

Quarterbacks should not be making decisions as it relates to personnel and who should be hired. I said that all along with Deshaun Watson.

Justin Fields was the second-best quarterback in the 2021 draft class

Lawrence is the clear one. Justin Fields, in my mind, is the two... He's accurate. He's smart. He's tough. He's athletic. He's big. He will be a darn good quarterback.

Zach Wilson is a gunslinger but I am concerned about his small frame and injury history

He's a gunslinger. If you want a gunslinger, a guy's going to rip it, take chances, and throw it in tight windows, take him. My concern with him is he's little... I'm talking about his body, his frame. And he's been injured a couple of times already. That's always a concern.

SlamBall will definitely be back on television in the U.S. within five years

Oh, 100%. 100% [chance SlamBall is back on US TV in five years].

The NBA should make dunks worth three points to fix the league's geometry

I actually think the NBA is going to have to adopt that dunks being worth three in order to change the geometry of what's happening in the NBA right now. First and foremost is you have to stop people from attacking the rim, right?

SlamBall will eventually overtake the NBA

They're going to have to change it [NBA dunks] to a three to keep up with SlamBall once you overtake them.

I am the best person in the Barstool office at table tennis

The moment Hank had an opportunity to say I was no longer the best, he would have ran away with it. So I knew if I lost back-to-back... But I knew I'm [the best freaking one here].

Medina Spirit is a junkie horse

I put the blame on the horse. You can't just make excuses. The horse likes doing drugs, obviously. As our 45th president called it, it's a junkie horse.

My Kentucky Derby win has a huge asterisk because of Bob Baffert

I finally did win the Kentucky Derby, and I talked about it ad nauseum for the days afterwards, and then that one win has a huge asterisk because Bob Baffert is addicted to shooting his horses up with steroids.

You never trust a man who wears transition lenses

I think this goes back to my old theory of you never trust a man with transition lenses. The person is up to something shady. Once you reach the stage in life where you commit to becoming a transition lens guy, I'd be shocked if you weren't spending your days and nights drugging racehorses.

Horse racing is in a precarious spot in America and the Medina Spirit scandal is not good for the sport

We're in a precarious spot in horse racing in America. I think it's one of those sports that people are starting to be like, yeah, maybe we don't need [it]. I love horse racing, so I think that this is not the scandal we need.

No-hitters don't even register on the radar for me anymore

I'm getting no-hitter out. It doesn't even register on the radar for me. 15 years ago, it was no-hitter watch, put it on ESPN and watch the last few. If someone told me there was a no-hitter in the eighth inning now, I'd be like, oh, okay, cool, let me know how it goes.

Luka Doncic is getting very close to being a dirty player

Luka Doncic is getting very close to being, like, a dirty player... And he already gets people mad at him because he complains about every call. So, like, [it's not good].

If you are a dirty player and you complain about every call, you just become Chris Paul

Luka [Doncic] has the double whammy of if he decides to go the dirty route, he already gets people mad at him because he complains about every call. So, like, you can't—then you just become Chris Paul. If you're dirty and you complain about every call, you've got to do one or the other.

Nut tapping is the new concussion and we need an E60 on it

I think that we should [stand up against dick punchers], because in the case of this, it's the coward's way out. I wish Bob Lee was still alive because we should have an entire E60 about nut tapping. It's one of the biggest health scares that we've had in professional sports. It's the new concussion.

Roger Goodell has solved CTE; that shit is in the past

Let's be honest. Roger Goodell has solved CTE. That shit is in the past. He figured that whole thing out, figured out a way for us to all just stop talking about concussions again.

UNC Women's Field Hockey is bad for the sport because they are too dominant

UNC Women's Field Hockey... just won their third national title in a row. Do you think that UNC women's field hockey is bad for women's field hockey? Because they're too dominant. If they go five in a row, that's bad for the sport.

Jake Paul would get his ass kicked and wouldn't even be able to land a punch on Canelo Alvarez

It's so funny watching [Canelo] move and the fact that there are real people out there who are like, Jake Paul's a legit boxer. Like, no, no, no. They're completely different athletes. He would get his ass kicked. He would never touch him. Jake Paul wouldn't be able to punch Canelo Alvarez.

Wraps are just shittier, guiltier versions of sandwiches

The wrap is just a shittier sandwich. It's not like you didn't do anything great. It's more portable and it's like slightly healthier, but it's not as healthy as people want you to believe it is. You can't tell me that a wrap is better than a sandwich with good bread.

If I had played every day in 2010, I would have been better than Shohei Ohtani

It is crazy [what Ohtani is doing] until you look at how I hit in 2010 and realized that I was basically Shohei Ohtani in 2010. If I would play every day like Ohtani, I would be better probably than Ohtani. The only thing that he can do that I couldn't do is run, and I couldn't run that well.

Mike Trout is the greatest baseball hitter in the history of the sport

He is the greatest player I've ever seen. I was kind of arguing with my dad. I was telling him he might be the best hitter in the history of baseball and he didn't agree with me.

It's more efficient to skip the dentist for 10 years and then do everything at once under anesthesia

Do you want to go to the dentist twice a year and just be nervous, or do you want to go once every 10 years and just get knocked out? Just have anesthesia all day and get everything taken care of, just like a coma for a day, and then knock it out, you're fine. It's way more efficient that way.

Taking care of your body is a big waste of time unless you're a professional athlete

Honestly, taking care of your body is a big waste of time, unless you're a professional athlete. Which, or unless you have kids... taking care of your body is a big waste of time.

Baseball celebrations have gone too far in regular season games

For me, since I have played before, I will say I do think the celebrations have gone too far... Like a day game in Cincinnati in April, it seems like Game 7 of the World Series, it's a little much.

Baseball celebrations need to match the moment; October energy in April is a bit much

It's more about it has to match the moment. Everyone remembers [Jose] Bautista's bat flip or bat throw. That was in the playoffs. That was an enormous moment. If you're playing in the middle of May or April, and you're throwing bats like you're in Game 7 of the World Series, what does Game 7 of the World Series look like? Right now it feels like we see October energy in April.

The best way to handle a veteran player who needs to retire is to fake an injury and put them on the IL

That's a very easy answer, and it happened to me once in my career. You just put him on the DL. That's all you do, or the IL, whatever. You throw him on there... transfer them to the 60-day and you kind of forget about them.

DK Metcalf's last-place track finish was both impressive and embarrassing

DK Metcalf was impressive, and then at the same time he got embarrassed. It's weird because he was way better than I thought he would be, but he also was not even close to as fast as the fastest guys. Dead last in the race.

Dogecoin's value is purely driven by publicity and famous people mentioning it

With Doge, it's like that, but since it's based on a joke meme, publicity is 10 times more important than any real value. As far as I can tell, the best thing that can happen to Doge is just a famous person says the word Doge on a massive platform.

Elon Musk should announce he bought the Yankees and immediately dissolve the team on SNL

You know, it'd be very funny if [Elon Musk] just straight up announced that he bought the Yankees and then dissolve the Yankees immediately, or the Yankees are no more.

Tom Wilson is the NHL's apex predator because goons are extinct; the Rangers shouldn't even fight him if they know they can't win

The problem is the NHL not having, they basically got like the goon, the goon is extinct in the NHL... Therefore, Tom Wilson is the toughest guy in the world and he beat the entire New York Rangers roster. And I think, I actually think for the Rangers, like if you go into that game knowing you can't beat up Tom Wilson, don't even fight him.

Healthy workplaces should allow fighting to increase productivity

I think that healthy workplaces should allow fighting. Like if you get into a fight, if you know that fisticuffs are on the table and you can fight in the first 30 minutes of your Workday, you'll probably end up having more productive day after that, you're going to get all your frustration out.

The NHL's tiny fine for Tom Wilson was a genius move to keep people talking about hockey

I appreciate the NHL. Now giving us more of a, like, if you want to get real woke the NHL only giving them a $5,000 fine was the greatest thing they've ever done because it kept the story going and having people talk about the NHL before the playoffs for another week.

Pantsing someone so their 'dick and balls' flop out is the height of comedy

A pants, when you can get the underwear as well. And the person's Dick and balls flop out is the height of comedy... bend your knees and crab walk the court. Kings of comedy tour. It would just be people getting pants and puking farting too.

It is always better for a journalist to be right than to be first

The one thing you do teach you is you always, it's always better to be right than be first.

The NFL is a better league when Blake Bortles is in it

I want Blake to do well. And the NFL is a better league when Blake Bortles is in it fact, if it happens to be in green bay and if you happen to just sort of ball out for the next 16 years, I think that's wonderful for everybody.

New York rain is the 'wet Willie' of precipitation and refuses to commit

I want my rain to like show up and fight me like a man rain. Don't just do this little drizzle all day. It just kind of like inconvenience to you. Right? It's it's the wet Willie of precipitation.

I like seven-inning doubleheaders and the extra-innings runner on second base rule

I liked the seven inning game. I liked the new rule of starting on second. I know that a lot of people don't like it. I think it's better just because there's nothing more than games going like 16 innings.

The punt is the most challenging play in football because it requires a player to switch roles instantly

Why is the punt the most challenging play in football?... Well, I'll tell you why, because it's the only play in football where you start out as an offensive player, and then you become a defensive player. You have to block and be responsible for all the protection phase... and then you have to go cover the kick and become a defensive player.

When down 14 and scoring a touchdown, analytics and the desire to win in regulation dictate you should go for two

All the analysts would tell you to do it. [Go for two when down 14]... I think that one thing that I've learned guys... winning the game in regulation. Because there's that, hey, play for a tie or, hey, we want to win this game in regulation. I think there's that movement that I think more people are aware of now.

The best way to stop Patrick Mahomes is a full team effort because you better be able to score to beat him

The reality is, is pat Mahomes is, has only been held under 24 points, like three times in his entire career. So the reality is you better be able to score, to beat them, you know? And so it's going to take a team performance to beat a guy like that.

Khalil Mack would have been DPOY in 2018 if he hadn't missed two games

Ramsey was first team all pro last year and had his best year... Kahleel a D [Aaron Donald]... I think, you know, the year we were together, guys in 18 [Khalil Mack] probably would have been the player of the year he had had, he had had he not missed those two games.

No long-hair quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl

We've come across a little bit of a theory that no Longhair quarterback has ever won a super bowl. So you might want to just get in front of that right away.

Chargers powder blues are the best uniforms in all of sports

I think most people would agree probably the best uniforms in, in all sports. You guys just had new uniforms release... I'm glad to say that the powder blues are a big part of it.

The PMT YouTube channel will not hit 500,000 subscribers by August 15th because listeners don't have it in them to watch

The listeners don't have it in them. Yeah. They don't have it in them. We're not going to hit 500,000. We're not gonna be able to do the live stream. They're listeners. They're not watching.

The Washington Capitals are going to be 'Team of Destiny' because TJ Oshie is playing through the loss of his father

I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes from the Washington Capitals because... TJ Oshie scored a hat trick on the day that his dad passed away. I've loved the guy ever since then... in America, Captain America, I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes.

I am officially bringing back the phrase 'Now that's paper'

I gotta start thinking about another phrase. I'm thinking now that's paper. I tried to bring back now that's paper while ago, but it feels, I feel like the times right now. Bet. I like bet.

Steve Ballmer is definitely the guy at a bachelor party who over-plans every single detail

Steve Ballmer is definitely the dude on a bachelor party who overplans every detail. It's like, alright, we're going to go fucking play some golf... 8 a.m. We're going to go to a nice, awesome lunch spot that I found. Then I rented a boat. Then we got a dinner. It's like, dude, we just want to fucking get drunk. Stop planning everything.

The NHL is partially responsible for Tom Wilson's behavior because they removed goons from the game

It's kind of, in a weird way, the NHL's fault for getting fighting and goons out of hockey because Tom Wilson is kind of the apex predator now. Like, if there were still goons, a goon would fuck Tom Wilson up, and it would be taken care of, and he wouldn't be doing this shit. He's a hybrid goon... he knows there's no real repercussions.