Takes

Tyrod Taylor is a 'rebound' quarterback who provides stability but never wins games

He is the epitome of an average Quarterback, but he's somehow worse than average Quarterback... He doesn't make the mistakes that bad quarterbacks make... He just won't do anything... Tyrod is the rebound quarterback. They take right after you get done with a crazy person that just fucked your brains out.

I will bet on any NFL team that was bad the previous year in Week 1

My week one strategy is just basically bet on the teams that sucked last year.

To be a successful NFL quarterback, you have to be an 'absolute weirdo'

To be a good quarterback in the NFL, you got to be an absolute weirdo. Okay, cool guys burn out. You can't be cool... real swag is no swag... winning multiple Super Bowls makes you weird.

Russell Wilson is not good in cold weather

The only thing I'm worried about is I don't think Russell Wilson can play in the cold. I don't think he's a cold guy... his record and his stats in the cold, he's not good. He gets spooked.

Ryan Tannehill is peaking and will never play better than he is right now

We're in the process of watching Ryan Tannehill as good as he's probably ever as good as his body is capable of playing football. That's how he's playing. The best will ever get it's probably not going to get any better than this.

The Cowboys are the new Falcons: high talent, low results

I finally realized what the Cowboys are: the Cowboys are the new Falcons. They are a team with a ton of talent that we say 'well, they haven't played their best game, it's coming.' You can name all these guys on the team... They're just not good. They're average to below average throughout the season.

Always bet the over when Joe Buck is calling the game

I'll tie this right into our picks for the weekend. It makes me have to take the over in the Cowboys Patriots game... Joe Buck is I'm pretty sure is going to be announcing it... you always bet the over when Buck's calling.

Playing Patrick Mahomes against the Packers would be Andy Reid's dumbest decision

If Andy Reid plays Patrick Mahomes, this will go down as the dumbest decision that he's ever made in a career that's been largely defined by singular dumb decisions that he's made during games.

Pete Carroll is the number one 'Dap' coach in the NFL

Number one dap coach would be, I think it's Pete Carroll... I don't think he's ever missed when he's like that.

The 49ers might not be good because they lost fullback Kyle Juszczyk

The 49ers lost a very key component to their attack in Monday night. They lost their fullback Kyle Juszczyk... they're going to struggle to fill that role because Juszczyk is really, really good. Correct, and they use them in a way that is kind of key to their offense.

The Redskins should never be favored by 3.5 points against anyone

The Redskins shouldn't be three and a half point favorites against anyone. And then you can make yours even if you lose and the Redskins win by 14 you're like: Guess what? I'd do it again because the Redskins shouldn't be three and a half point favorites against anyone.

The Warriors' biggest opponent this year is themselves

The Warriors every year, it's been like no one can beat the Warriors. This year, there finally is a team that can beat the Warriors, and it's the Warriors. So I'm excited to watch the Warriors try to beat the Warriors because this is what happens at the late dynasties... I truly think they all hate each other.

Dabo Swinney is the second best head coach in the country

I think Dabo is probably the second best coach in the country. I think he's way better than Brian Kelly. I like the Clemson. I like the Rock.

The Cowboys will give their fans just enough hope to break their hearts

The Cowboys can't go out in a normal way. They can't lose and not make the playoffs by just being bad. They have to do it in a heartbreaking way. So we have not heard the last of the Cowboys this season.

Never bet on the Oakland Raiders

Don't bet on the Raiders. Also, here's another tip. I bet on the Raiders like five times this year. They will find new ways to reach levels of incompetence that we have not seen in this country in the last 200 years.

The Lions are not sure they're bad and could win their division

I actually think the Lions could be okay. They could win that division, you think? Are we sure they're good? We're not sure they're bad.

The Bears are officially good if they can beat the Patriots

If the Bears can beat the Patriots, then they're officially good. It's going to be a big test.

The Jets did themselves a favor by missing out on Kirk Cousins

If you know anything about Kirk Cousins, you actually did yourself a favor by not getting him because you'd rather suck out loud than be kind of around average for four years.

The Minnesota Vikings stink

I got Eagles minus three. I think the Vikings stink.

The Jets are overvalued after their Week 1 performance

Is this a major Ravens against the Bills situation where they're [the Jets] overvalued now? Correct. Well, guess what? I'm an idiot, and so actually all of my picks, I'm looking at them all right now, they're all basic picks.

Eli Manning always plays well in Dallas

Doesn't it feel like every time that Eli [Manning] goes to Dallas... I feel like Eli Manning always plays well in Dallas, and I feel like the Sunday night game is when he has, like, the buzz, like, is Eli Manning? Is he back?

NFL owners should pay for their own stadiums without taxpayer money.

The owners should pay for their own fucking stadium. A segment that we'll throw out there... If the taxpayers pay for the stadium, they get to decide the rules. No laws inside the stadium. Anything you want.

I am rooting for LeBron to get to the Finals just so he can lose for a 10th time

I'm rooting for the Cavs in the Eastern Conference this year... Because I want LeBron to lose again in the finals. I want the losses. I have the dream in my mind, the dream that Hank spoke out loud last year when he's like, what if LeBron ends up losing 10 NBA finals? So I am all in on the Cavs up until the finals.

The OKC Thunder are not a super team and Carmelo Anthony is trash

I do not give a fuck about the Oklahoma City Thunder. I do not care that they have three quote-unquote superstars because Melo is trash. Paul George and Russ Westbrook are still very, very good, but they are not going to beat anyone. Even if they win their first series, they're not going to do anything. It's like this thing that happens to everyone's brain where they see a couple of splashy names on a team together and they say super team. They don't let them get in a series. They could beat anyone. They could not beat anyone. They're not good.

The Olympics starting events before the opening ceremony is total 'bullshit'

Why does curling start before everything else? They really need that much time to do curling? ... So they don't light the torch, but they play the Olympics. It's bullshit. So-called bullshit.

LeBron James is maybe better than Michael Jordan

And LeBron James... better than Michael Jordan, maybe. Tune into FS1, Colin Cowherd will tell you about it for the next four hours.

Gonzaga is a team of destiny because they absorbed Northwestern's power

I do believe in teams of destiny absorbing the teams they beat and their destiny... So they took out Northwestern, which was a true team of destiny, and they absorbed all that destiny. They're double the destiny.

The Capitals are regular season heroes who always look awesome in January

And I know not only is the Capitals year, but the Capitals in January, this is when they get hot. This is when they beat teams. You can count on the Capitals in the regular season to look awesome. Caps year. Ovi.

The Vikings' trade for Sam Bradford was a dumb move

I always told you guys that Sam Bradford trade was a fucking dumb move. The Titans and the Lions. Let's check the tape on that one. Yeah, we'll check the tape maybe after New Year's.

You shouldn't bet your life savings on any single game this weekend; spread it out

I don't feel comfortable betting all my life savings on one game, I would spread it out.

The Redskins are trash

I got the Vikings. I have the Ravens. I think the Redskins are trash. Trash. Our words.

Andrew Luck gets a pass for mistakes because the Colts' offensive line is atrocious.

I'm done making fun of Andrew Luck. That's the worst offensive line I've ever seen. He was running for his life the entire time. I'm actually going to give him an active pass and let him know that it's okay. You can fuck up because that offensive line is atrocious.

Home Run Derby participants always screw up their swings in the second half of the season

My other favorite part about the Home Run Derby is predicting which one of the participants the Home Run Derby is going to screw up their swing in the second half. Whoever wins.