Takes

Trading DeAndre Hopkins makes Bill O'Brien a 'fucking moron'

The reason why you don't trade DeAndre Hopkins, even if you hate him... the reason why you don't get rid of him is every time he has a good game you get tracked because he had a career game. Everyone was like 'bill reminder Bill O'Brien is a fucking moron.'

The Patriots' defense is no longer the elite unit it was last year

What I saw glaringly was the Patriots' defense is not the defense of last year. They played good, but not like we're accustomed to seeing them play. I pray to God that defense steps up even a little more.

The Bills will win the AFC East

I love the Bills. I told you I loved the Bills. I love what they bring to the table. I really think they're going to win that division.

I'm not riding with the Eagles unless they bring Nick Foles back

I told him about Philly and I told him why I would not ride with Philly unless you bring [Nick] Foles back. I'm not riding with Philly. [Carson Wentz] sits back there and says 'Hey, come sack me eight times.'

Low-fat ice cream brands should just put real ice cream in the containers to trick customers

This is a perfect idea. Come out with a low-fat ice cream, say it's like 250 calories per pint, but just put real ice cream in it and people are going to be like, 'Holy shit, this tastes amazing for low fat.' And nobody would ever catch you.

Tesla for Tables: A self-leveling table technology

Tesla for tables... the table itself feels the surface around it and then adjusts so that there's never any wobble... every restaurant I go to has a set of wobbly table. All those tables wobble.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop the Chiefs when their offense is humming

The Chiefs newsflash are really, really, really fucking good. Like I don't I don't think the Texans are as bad as they looked at times. I think the Chiefs are just really, really fucking good. Super Bowl champs for a reason. There's nothing that you could do to stop the Chiefs when their offense is humming like that. There's just there's absolutely nothing you can do.

The NBA rigged Game 6 for the Raptors over the Celtics to get a Game 7 for ratings

I'm feeling nervous. I'm not gonna lie. Game 6 was clearly like the NBA and I understand where the NBA is coming from where they need the best ratings we could possibly get. If we could tell the refs, just call everything against the Celtics so we can get a game 7 for ratings. I understand it. It was clearly the post-game report admitted everything that happened on the stretch that was supposed to get called against the Celtics didn't.

The Celtics are clearly the better team than the Raptors and the series should have been over in five games max

The Celtics have clearly been the better team in the series. They should have won game three. They should have won game six... I do think that the Celtics are the better team and it should have been a four game five game Max series.

The Lakers will win the Rockets series in a gentleman's sweep

The series is over. It's going to be gentleman's sweep for the Lakers. They are d-u-n done. James Harden picked it perfectly to suck in a playoff game because there was football on and no one cares.

Social media will bully Pete Carroll into letting Russell Wilson throw more this year

The Seahawks are going to be an interesting case this year because we might have the first time ever in the NFL that social media bullies Pete Carroll into actually letting his MVP caliber quarterback throw the ball more. I'm calling it 'Let Russ Cook'.

The Bills will go 13-3 and win the AFC East

What if the bills go like 13 and 3 and win the AFC East and maybe even get a first round bye? But it's so fucking sad think about like the fans in Buffalo not being able to be in the stadium.

The Washington Football Team will beat the Eagles in Week 1

I think that the Redskins [Washington Football Team]... I think that they could win this game. This could be a weird game where it's a new head coach and new place. The team's gonna be playing for Ron Rivera this week.

The Buccaneers and Patriots Week 1 results will be a referendum on Tom Brady's legacy

What has to happen is we need the Buccaneers to win and the Patriots to lose or the Patriots to win the Buccaneers to lose so we can really hammer into that story. Storylines cannot be taken back. This weekend is a referendum on the life-altering change of course that Tom Brady made.

The Packers vs. Vikings Week 1 game will go under 45 points

My under is the Packers Vikings under 45 lock it up.

The Cardinals vs. 49ers Week 1 game will go under 48 points

I've got the Cardinals 49ers it at 48... I'm taking the under.

The 'Can't Lose' Parlay: Eagles, Colts, and Bills money lines will all hit

I have my can't lose parlay the first one of the year. It cannot lose. Eagles, Colts, Bills money line. There's no chance that loses. It says it right in the name... Eagles Colts bills moneyline cannot lose.

Skip Bayless is canceled for his comments on Dak Prescott's mental health

Fuck you Skip Bayless. I think that in a weird way one of the sickest parts of what he said was that he was saying that the real issue here was that you can't be the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and have something like this... Skip fuck you dude. Skip Bayless you're canceled bro.

Skateboarding was the 90s version of modern Twitch streamers

Twitch streamers are like the 2020 version of skateboarders when I was coming up. Mostly people following your passion and doing something they're good at and finally getting an audience for it. I never imagined I'd be making money at it, and I applaud those guys.

Mitch Trubisky is going to win 10 games for the Bears this year

I fully believe that Mitch Trubisky is going to win the Bears 10 games. No, he is going to personally win 10 games. I can't wait for Mitch Trubisky screenshot season to come back. He's become a punch line, and you know what? He's about to punch back. Big time.

If Ben Roethlisberger is just average, the Steelers will be really fucking good

I said it a million times last year how much I love that defense. So now if Ben is just average they're going to be really fucking good. Ben is gonna be so excited though. I hope he throws the football into the crowd or tries to hand it to a girl that's not there.

Mike Budenholzer should be fired on the spot

The quotes that Budenholzer had after they lost game three... I actually think he should be fired on the spot. He was saying that Giannis and Middleton, they're playing 33 to 36 minutes of game, and that's about their ceiling in the playoffs. He's saying about his MVP, right, 36? ... basically admitting his incompetence to the whole world.

I'm rooting for Mitch Trubisky because 2020 needs a cool story

It's bullshit that anyone is sitting here and rooting against Mitch Trubisky. ... 2020 sucks, root for something crazy. Mitch Trubisky 2020. ... I'm ready and I have a little perspective for you from coach Matt Nagy... we're going to all support around him and give him every opportunity to have a very happy ending.

I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl

There's a chance we see another Nathan Peterman. You want to get real fucking crazy with 2020? Get a Nathan Peterman tattoo. ... I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl.

A Nathan Peterman implosion is a peak football viewing experience

I remember where I was when Nathan Peterman imploded, right? And that's all you can hope for out of a football game.

Overs will hit at a high rate in the first few weeks of the season

The only thing that we have that's even close to the 2020 preseason and offseason... was the year of the lockout [2011]. ... That season, the first two weeks out the gate, overs went 73%. ... I think by the third and fourth quarters, that's when we're going to see these defenses get worn down a little bit. I think that's one of the bigger things that is going to be evident from having the lack of the preseason games.

The Colts will be a surprise team in 2020

I personally think that Frank Reich is one of the most underrated play callers that we have in the NFL. ... They have since gone out, they've got Philip Rivers. ... I think this is a team that a lot of people kind of forgot about. ... I think the thing that we cannot underestimate here is just how good of a coach and a play caller Frank Reich is and why I think he's going to stamp his name on this football team.

Philip Rivers is washed and doesn't have an arm anymore

That sounds to me like you don't think Philip Rivers has much of an arm left. Because saying 'I love him as a competitor' is a telltale sign you don't love him as a quarterback anymore.

The Cowboys offense will reach a new ceiling under Mike McCarthy

I think that the new coach Mike McCarthy is going to instill a lot more aggressive nature and a lot more passing to this offense. ... We are going from one of the most conservative run-heavy coaches of Jason Garrett to the most aggressive coach in terms of throwing the football down the field in Mike McCarthy. ... I think we're going to see a higher ceiling because they're going to be willing to pass the ball.

The Vikings will regress due to luck and a lack of training camp

I think the Minnesota Vikings are due for a little bit of regression... Minnesota finished top 10 in like injury luck, fumble recovery luck, field goal luck. ... This is an offseason in particular... [with] a lot of new players that are coming in there. ... Just a bad year to have to incorporate a lot of rookies and expect much out of them given the lack of an offseason.

I'm making the biggest bet of my life on the Broncos money line in Week 1

I think I might make my biggest bet of my life on the Broncos week one because I don't understand how with everything that's going on... you can have a team go mile-high and compete week one and not just be absolutely destroyed. And the Broncos are always good in September week one in Denver.

The Vikings' new stadium crowd noise design has given them the best ATS cover rate since 2016

The architects came in and built that stadium specifically to have a roof on it that would refract the crowd noise back onto the football field. And since they built that stadium [in 2016], they have had the number one best ATS cover rate in the NFL.

The Ravens will face the Seahawks in the Super Bowl

I guess I probably will go the Seahawks against the Cowboys [in the NFC Championship]... I'm going to go with the Ravens and I'm going to go with the Chiefs [in the AFC Championship]... I'm going to go Baltimore and Seattle. Russ versus Lamar Jackson for the Super Bowl.

Cam Newton's shoulder is back to being totally normal

I think Cam is healthy. I do from what I've heard, what I've seen, and what I've read. Cam's shoulder is back to being totally normal.

2020 will be the 'Year of the Fullback'

The five of the six teams that use the most fullbacks last season, five of those six made it to the playoffs. ... Think about the teams that have those fullbacks out there to start the year, wearing down those teams, beating on them into the second half. I think that could be an edge. This is the year of the fullback, call it right now, 2020.

Workaholics will be 12 times funnier when we are all 50

We have always been very adamant in saying that Workaholics gets 12 times more funnier when we're all 50 and or like even older and still living together, and I'm just bald on the top of my head. It's just storylines for days.

The Warriors were cool champions and fans who hate them are just petty

A lot of basketball fans, especially nowadays, are so petty... once all the smoke clears people are going to look back and be like, 'Goddamn, those Warriors were some really cool champions.' They were cool, man. That was a great squad.

The line judge Djokovic hit at the US Open was doing an 'all-time cell job'

She hit the ground. She looked like she was going to die for a sec. That was an all-time cell job by her. I'm not saying that he should have hit her in the neck... but holy shit. Come on lady. That was a cell job.

Tennis players should get a point for hitting a line judge

I think they should just make a new sport where the lines are always live and if you hit a line judge, you get an extra point. ... A dodgeball tennis hybrid. ... I'm saying you should get a point added on.

I love Joe West because he thinks he is bigger than baseball

If you can't find the humor in Joe West stopping the game, telephoning up and kicking the GM from the suite out of the game, you got a fucking dump in your pants. ... I'm in favor of Joe West doing whatever the fuck he wants. In fact, I think Joe West has got a little soft in his old age. ... I would like to see more Joe West involved in these games.

James Harden stinks in Game 7s.

James Harden stinks in the game 7. All is right in the world... I think I can still throw out some James Harden slander.

The Bucks cannot beat the Heat or the Celtics in a seven-game series.

There's nothing about the Bucks team that makes me think that they can beat the Heat in seven games or the Celtics in seven games.

Kirk Cousins would win the Super Bowl if he played for the 49ers.

Kirk Cousins on the Niners would win the Super Bowl. Yeah. He's better than Garoppolo.

I'm convinced that the more we find out about COVID-19, the more we realize we know nothing about it.

I don't know now, I just like the more we find out the more we realize we know nothing and I don't want to be like a carrier and like, I don't know. I've always been like kind of a germaphobe.

If you are a Clippers fan, you are clearly not actually from Los Angeles.

The Clippers are obviously no one who's actually from that area possibly could care about the Clippers. If you are a Clippers fan, you're clearly not from LA.

LeBron James is the greatest basketball player of all time.

I'm of the mindset that like LeBron James is the best basketball player of all time.

The winner of my throw-off with Patrick Mahomes should get Mahomes' $500 million contract.

I always talk to the guys, you know winner gets the switch. Like winner no matter who wins we switch [contracts]... I'd be okay losing that one.

I can throw a football right around the 80-yard mark.

It's right around the 80 mark I go with it. I think the other day was that one travel pretty far and Ray. Are you thinking there you go.

Empty stadiums are a definitive advantage for the offense, especially in hostile road environments.

When you go away and you go into a hostile environment kind of changes everything. The verbal that you're able to use at the line of scrimmage... but now with no fans you can be able to say everything at the line kind of take your time. So it's definitive advantage for the offense.

Big Ben made his 'Bigger Than Ben' documentary specifically for the hosts of Pardon My Take.

I really think that he made this like there's two idiots who joke about how I'm like a dog who fakes injuries all the times. Let me make a documentary that just talking about my injury.