Takes

The Nuggets are going to get smoked by the Clippers in the next round

I think that the Nuggets are gonna get smoked next round. Yeah, I don't care how many inches they have on their team. Clippers are minus about my million units. Clippers Game 1.

James Harden will never get in shape

Will James Harden ever get in shape? No. I mean he's late to the bubble. I want to saying because he was out of shape... he does that like he'll do it in a game. He'll drive really hard to the hoop. And then the next like three plays [be like] I'm not running up and down.

Chris Paul's annoying personality makes people forget that he is an elite basketball player and could be a top US soccer player

Chris Paul's personality makes you forget how good at basketball he is because he's the worst anytime... but he's awesome. I still think he would be Top three or top four US men's soccer player. Yes, easily.

Nobody in the Eastern Conference can beat the Celtics

I don't see who's beating [the Celtics]. Okay, that's definitely not the Bucks because they stink.

Jimmy Butler is a top 20 NBA player

Jimmy Butler, I think we're witnessing the emergence of a top-20 player in the NBA. I am fully onboard... I think now Jimmy Butler is a top 20 NBA player.

Alvin Kamara appearing on the trading block is the worst possible news for fantasy owners

Anyone who drafted early for fantasy and took Alvin Kamara. Yep. He is on the trading block now, which is I mean a lot of people probably took them in there with their first pick first round. That's like the worst thing you can see is the trading block.

Big Ten football will likely never happen in 2020 despite the constant schedule delays

I'm just going to get my hopes up again. I don't know whatever... knowing it probably won't, but my dog brain takes over. I'm like, yeah. No October we're good.

Every generation of SNL fans thinks the current cast sucks compared to the original stars

I also remember think everybody saying we suck, right guys? You're not as good as the First cast and I was like, I know... but I said, I think we're okay. I think you know for our generation of kids growing up watching us, we're going to be their Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.

You only need 20 minutes of great comedy material to become a star in Los Angeles

Jay Leno said many years ago to me, all you need is 20 minutes to become a star in LA. Everybody says how much time you got, everybody says I got two hours. Who wants to listen to two hours of comedy material? If you have 20 minutes and if you have five minutes that kills every time, you can be a star.

Adam Sandler hires his friends because they have a shorthand for what's funny and won't panic in the trenches

He said I don't have to explain to you what's funny. If I ask you to do something... I know you're dumb enough to do it. There's a trust when you're out there doing comedy... if it's not going good you need somebody who can make quick changes to make it work.

Bloggers are basement-dwelling scam artists who need twelve articles to cover rent

The bloggers and those guys, once you realize the pressure that they're under -- they got to sell like twelve articles to still live in their mother's basement. I just think that they got a scam going.

Deuce Bigalow did not ruin America

I wouldn't say America's fucked because of that. I wouldn't describe it that way.

Deuce Bigalow was the second highest-grossing DVD behind only The Green Mile

It was the second most highest-grossing DVD, only slightly below, like a few hundred thousand dollars below, like Green Mile. So it's like Green Mile, Deuce Bigalow, Mission Impossible. Holy shit. So that was gigantic.

You guys are over 30 and no longer your own audience

You guys are over 30. You're no longer your audience. I want to go with the 14-year-olds.

Maybe everything isn't going to work out -- let go of these unrealistic dreams

Maybe everything isn't gonna work out. That's where you want to be, man. You gotta let go at that point, man. You don't hold onto these unrealistic dreams.

Burt Reynolds in The Longest Yard is the greatest sports movie performance of all time

The original [Longest Yard] when I was a kid, that's the greatest sports movie. Burt Reynolds was the coolest guy and you be on the set with Burt Reynolds was like was unbelievable... that movie to me is just like if you're 11, and you see The Longest Yard, it's the greatest thing you've ever seen in your life.

Platypuses are the only venomous mammals

Fun fact platypuses are the only mammal that are venomous... they are the only mammal that are venomous. How about that?

The Celtics will smoke the Heat if they play in the Conference Finals

Everyone saying the Heat now... they could beat [the Bucks]. If we play the Heat in the Conference Finals, I think we would smoke them.

Tiger Woods in contention on a Sunday at the US Open is what America needs right now

What America needs right now more than anything is something like we need a miracle... What we need is Tiger Woods to be in contention on Sunday at the US Open because like you remember at the Masters, everybody get behind tiger on Sunday.

The Rockets-Lakers series will be a 'Frankenstein series' where Mike D'Antoni's Mickey Mouse basketball beats LeBron James

I really, really want to see the Rockets versus the Lakers because that is a Frankenstein series... Rockets are going to play no one over 6'6" and the Lakers are going to play everyone over 6'10"... D'Antoni's system is Mickey Mouse basketball, but it's still going to beat the Lakers.

Bronny James joining FaZe Clan is a money-laundering scheme for Coach K

So we're gonna snitch on Bronny. What percentage of FaZe Clan does Coach K own? It's dark money that's going into no one knows who finances it.

Mystery teams in MLB trade rumors are never actually real

I don't think these mystery teams ever real. Swooping in last-second franchise mode... I guess the mystery team is now the front-runner.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

Jimmy Graham and Cole Kmet will be a dynamic duo for the Bears

Everyone knows [Jimmy Graham] is an elite blocker... they got Cole Kmet and Jimmy Graham. Dynamic duo. If we just get half of their production from last year, we're going to be great.

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

A unified Yugoslavian Olympic basketball team would be one of the best in the world

Doncic, Bogdanovic, Bojan Bogdanovic, Jokic, Vucevic, Dragic... If Yugoslavia remained today, their Olympic team national team would actually be pretty good.

The Lakers have officially entered full playoff mode

Lakers are I mean full playoff mode now after even myself saying it would be a good series between them and the Blazers.

The 2017 Cavaliers were the most talented team to ever underachieve in the regular season

I still do believe to this day our most talented team and you know, we lost 4-1 in the finals... I truly do believe that we were probably the most talented underachieving team in regular season almost ever like if you look at us on paper you say, oh they should win 60 plus Games every year.

I won't dye my hair anymore even though I'm going gray

I'm rolling with dying my hair and I tell people like I let everyone know... I get it just like right my temples. Yeah, so I get it kind of across the way... I'm just going to roll with it. I'm rolling with it.

Jamal Murray will average over 40 points for the Jazz-Nuggets series

If Jamal Murray scores more than 40 in game seven, he'll average over 40 for the series for sure... He's been averaging like 38 before this game. He'll be over 40 for sure.

I will drink four kegs of beer during 'September'

How many beers will PFT drink in September? Four kegs. Yes. Okay, that's like 670 beers, bro... I guess I have to buy four kegs now. I'm drinking four kegs during September.

90% of all koalas have chlamydia

Billy's fun facts: 90% of koalas have chlamydia. Anyway, like people who handle koalas at zoos sometimes catch chlamydia.

Using leverage to protest for change is the most American thing you can do

I'll always support the right to protest in this country. Being able to use your leverage and power to protest to try to enact change is kind of the most American thing you can do in my mind personally. It's why this country so great is that you have the ability to say, I don't agree with something, I want to change something.

Sports will never return to a state where players don't use their leverage for political activism

I don't think it's ever going to go back to players not using their leverage in terms of getting into political arguments or political discussions or activism or that sort of thing. So at this point it's like you can either stop watching sports entirely or you can just kind of accept that this is going to be the new normal. You're putting your head in the sand if you think that it's ever going to go back to more of the way it was when these two things didn't interact as much.

Sir Yacht's reporting on the Big Ten is completely fabricated

Sir Yacht is a choose-your-own-adventure source. He's wrong all the time, a hundred percent of the time. He pretty much makes it up. But if you want to live in a fantasy land like I do, listen to Sir Yacht and ignorance is bliss in this respect. I do love the fact that like twice a week the Big Ten comes back.

NBA games will likely resume by Saturday following the protest

My sense is, the games will either begin Friday or Saturday. It's seeming more and more like Saturday because you want to give maybe these guys one more day of self-care and really practice for some of these teams.

I have died on screen more than any other actor in film history

I've died more than anybody in the film industry. I have the record. I think they said 63 deaths. That's a lot. God, that's crazy.

John Cusack is a 'bad mother' who could break bones with his kicks

People don't know it, but God, I would forget his name—Cusack. People don't realize Cusack is a bad mother... I watched [John Cusack] kick the heavy bag—you know the tall ones—I watched him kick one and bend it. That means broken ribs, broken leg, broken arms. He will break anything.

The proposed 'London air bridge' is just a way for people to go eat meat pies during COVID

It's official: starting a plan for regional air bridges that would allow visitors from low-risk areas such as New York City across the pond to Britain. It's such a—just people want to go get their fucking meat pies in England.

The 'Bigger Than Ben' documentary is just a love letter to Roethlisberger's own pain tolerance

It was a love story to his wife, to his own pain tolerance, I would say. And then also I didn't understand the beginning when he was talking about all the haters and it's like who is really hating Ben? ... It was essentially the 'hey we need to remind everyone that Ben's the toughest' quote.

I need to film myself now to memorialize being relatively thin before I gain 40 pounds by October

Can we make a documentary of me in a t-shirt right now so I can memorialize this period in my life before I put on 40 more pounds in October?

Hard Knocks needs the preseason to be good

Here's my theory. Hard Knocks needs the preseason because you watch Hard Knocks on Tuesday nights and then you watch the actual games happen and you see what's happening on the field. You're like, oh, there's that cornerback that we keep hearing about who's trying to make the team. We've lost that element. So now we're just watching like, oh, let's just check in with this training camp. It kind of ruins everything.

Stadiums built for the World Cup in Brazil and China are starting to fall apart and it's awesome to look at

If anyone out there is like me who loves to look at empty stadium porn, we are in the perfect spot for all the stadiums in Brazil to the World Cup was played in they're starting to fall apart and it's fucking sick to look at. In China right now... it's getting good again. Overgrown with vines. They look like the Astrodome.

Tyrod Taylor is destined to be replaced by a rookie for the third time in his career

Tyrod Taylor, the cut god. They brought that up how he got stuck by Josh Allen, then got cooked by Baker Mayfield, and now he's about to get [replaced] a third time. It just happens. People get cooked.

The Jazz and the Nuggets are the exact same team

I have to admit fully. I think the Jazz and the Nuggets are the exact same team. Both altitude, kind of similar colors. Like if you tell me Jazz nuggets, nuggets Jazz, I'm just like yeah, those are all the same guys. Like if you use lists the names and like you could tell me Donovan Mitchell's on the Nuggets. Neither of them are winning the championship, right? Correct.

The Islanders are a team of destiny

I'm just going to circle one: Islanders team of destiny. I don't know, just feeling it. Very trust. And I just, I don't know, just gonna circle it. Frank [The Tank] is gonna be very upset that I said that.

I started an OnlyFans for my feet called Billy Feetball

I actually have a confession to make. I have an OnlyFans. Ever since I wore my toe shoes, people actually started DMing me asking me for feet pics. They were offering money and I actually set one up. It's Billy Feetball. I've been making... around under $1000 but over... I've made $800 around there.

Bryson DeChambeau lied about his dog to get internet clout

Bryson DeChambeau got him Duffy big time in a massive massive internet controversy. He took a picture with their golden retriever, Trigger is a name of this dog. And he said this dog Trigger was here and helped me win the amateur open back in 2015. Well record scratch, it turns out the Trigger, the sweet boy, was born in 2017. So Bryson got him tied up trying to chase them internet clout like a dog chasing his tail. Got caught big time.

Chris Webber is a terrible announcer

Chris Webber is a terrible announcer and he's getting exposed because he's been calling it feels like the important game every single night and holy shit does he suck. Chris Webber is the Michael Scott? Sometimes I start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. It's hard to trend as an announcer two nights in a row without saying anything actually controversial... he's just trending because he's bad.

Allen Iverson is one of the greatest basketball players we have ever witnessed

I will tell you, one of the greatest basketball players that we have ever witnessed with some of the quickest handles and some of the best most precise pivot movements ever. He's a good face for the Tidewater area, I would definitely say that for sure.