Takes

The Mike Tyson vs Roy Jones Jr. exhibition fight is going to suck

The Tyson fight, I can tell you right now, I'm going to spoil it for you. It's gonna suck and we're all going to pay way too much money to watch two old dudes go around the ring and throw jabs at each other.

Messi is better than Ronaldo because he is better at cheating on his taxes

Messi is probably got like a billion... He's better at shooting us, he got away with cheating on taxes for longer than Ronaldo did. Rinaldo you bitch. Messy has one, two, three, four, five, six golden boots. Count the booties.

The Hawks and Kings missed out on a generational superstar in Luka Doncic and they will regret it for the next 20 years.

I'm just going to say it to the Hawks who traded [Luka Doncic] on draft night to the Kings that took Marvin Bagley—bad drafts happen. They'll worry about it. You miss on a generational superstar that is going to be incredible in the NBA for the next 20 years. Shit happens, man.

Paul George is a pathetic second banana who stinks in the playoffs and doesn't deserve to be called a superstar.

Playoff P, Playoff PP—holy shit, that guy stinks. I don't understand how you can be considered a superstar. You would say that Playoff P is at the top of the list for second bananas, and then the playoffs come around and it's like, dude, have you played basketball before?

Giannis Antetokounmpo must make the NBA Finals this year or the narrative will turn against him

I got to take about giannis... he's got to go to the finals this year. That's all I'm going to say because when he dunks on the magic up 20 and like pounds his chest... if he gets stopped in the Eastern Conference Final again, like you can't do that where you just in the first round your piece and then in the second and third round you get shut down.

The Sixers cannot win a championship with Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons together; they should trade Simmons to the Bulls for Zach LaVine and the No. 4 pick.

The like sports radio call-in—like you need to trade one of the two and just build around the other—I think is actually now true. I do not think that you can win with both those guys. You gotta try to figure it out—maybe trade Ben Simmons to the Bulls for Zach LaVine and the number four pick. There you go.

Bill Belichick will sign Earl Thomas to replace Patrick Chung

Maybe this belcheck move. Maybe Belichick picks him up. They lost Patrick Chung for the year. They get real Thomas as like an impact veteran that everybody else has given up on

Fernando Tatis Jr. did absolutely nothing wrong by swinging on a 3-0 count while up eight runs; the manager is responsible for giving a red light.

Tatis did nothing wrong. He is basically our LeBron James in the making. He is colorful, he is fun. We need more of that. Let's promote him and baseball, let's just loosen up a little bit. Number one, you should never get upset at the player. It is the manager's responsibility to determine green light, red light. If you're up eight and I'm the manager, I have to tell you green light or don't swing. Tatis did nothing wrong.

Pitchers should never throw at a batter's head; if you want to hit someone, hit them in the ribs or under the belt.

I don't believe that if you're a pitcher throwing 98 miles an hour you should throw someone's head to even some type of argument or something that you disagree with. If you want to hit someone, you should hit them under the belt or at the ribs—no higher than that because you can end somebody's life. That's the truth of it.

The new Yankee Stadium is a joke to hit home runs in compared to the old stadium.

Moving into [the new Yankee Stadium] was like we were moving into the Peninsula Hotel, something really, really fancy, but it was just a joke to hit home runs. The old stadium had a better fan environment... but this stadium, it was just a joke to hit home runs.

Derek Jeter will be a successful executive if given five years to fix the Marlins, and I would not bet against him.

Give [Derek Jeter] five years before passing judgment because he walked into a very difficult situation. Here's a five-time world champion, a Hall of Famer—Jeter is going to be just fine. I would not bet against Mr. Jeter.

The NFL will use false positive COVID tests as cover to let star players like Patrick Mahomes play on Sundays

The NFL has muddied the waters enough that we can now safely go into the NFL season just assuming every test that is positive is not actually positive until it's negative. Patrick Mahomes test positive on a Sunday morning... they'll be like, it's a false positive. He's going to play and then two days later be like, well the for positive reading footballs good job NFL

College football is in real trouble for the 2020 season.

I'm still believing [Kirk Herbstreit]. He said that all college football's in trouble and I actually think that's true now.

Thom Brennaman will lose his job for his hot mic slur

So if you're living under a rock he... had a hot mic situation where he used a homophobic slur and probably is going to lose his job.

Staying safe in the bubble and practicing good hygiene is a bigger accomplishment for the Capitals than winning the Stanley Cup

I think that being in the bubble, staying safe, practicing good hygiene, and not spreading the virus around... I think is better than winning a Stanley Cup. It's a testimony to just what a great team [the Capitals] is.

The 2020 Stanley Cup doesn't really count and it's the best year to lose because there is no parade

Does it really count this year? I'm sitting here, this is the easiest year to lose... There's no parade I could go to, there's no Stanley Cup celebration. I'm not going to drink out of the cup again this year. So honestly, I'm glad I hope a new team wins.

The Bulls will likely draft Deni Avdija, although I want them to draft Obi Toppin for the puns

The Chicago Bulls are going to get Obi Toppin very exciting... actually I don't think we are going to get Obi Toppin. I think we're going to get the kid from Israel [Deni Avdija], but I just know from a blogger podcasting perspective when you can say 'ain't no stoppin' Obi Toppin' it pays for itself.

The Warriors will trade Andrew Wiggins and the #2 pick for a superstar like Anthony Davis

The Warriors are going to figure out a way to trade the number two pick and Andrew Wiggins for... Anthony Davis. Like something ridiculous. That would be actually great if [Wiggins] then went back to LeBron.

The Rockets will win the NBA title because the bubble environment eliminates their weaknesses

I've had a thought bubble in my head that I just think the Rockets are going to win the title just so that we can all discount Daryl Morey and James Harden and be like, that's not real... there's no fans behind the back distract[ing]... no strip clubs inside the bubble. That's a bonus for Harden.

The NFL should implement a playoff bubble like the NBA and NHL

I think [a playoff bubble] is a great idea because the bubbles worked so well in both the NBA and the NHL and Major League Soccer. It's kind of a proving component here to beat COVID. So I'm all for that.

NFL TV ratings will be unprecedented due to fans being stuck at home

I mean, I think the NFL ratings are going to be through the roof and unprecedented based on all the fans that should be watching NFL football coming up here in less than a month.

Frank Gore will keep playing until every team in the league rejects him

I really did Frank Frank loves professional football. He loves to compete he loves to play. He's a rare competitor. I don't think Frank will retire out of his own recognizance until the [jobs] dried up.

The Washington Football Team should change their mascot to the Red Wolves

If you do change the name, I realize I feel strongly that it should be Red Wolves... The defense could be called the Wolf Pack... I think that dogs in general are criminally underrepresented at the professional level.

The Washington Football Team should release real wolves on the field before games for a home field advantage

I think that you could do something like release wolves on the sideline before every game... You put maybe three red wolves down on the field. Let them walk up and down, just pace the opponent's sideline, let them pee and poop down there, mark their territory... now the Detroit Lions are walking around ankle-deep in wolf scat.

Evanston is the greatest home field advantage in all of football at 11:00 AM

I have a long-standing belief that it is truly the greatest Home Advantage in all football... you bet Northwestern 11:00 a.m. because there's teams... come and catch teams on sleepwalking.

Jason Wright needs to find a sport that Dan Snyder can beat him in to ensure his job security

You need to find a sport that Dan [Snyder] can beat you in because I don't know if he'll be able to just like take you onto the racquetball court... and beat him 21 to nothing to feel good about himself. You need to find that sport he can consistently beat you at... that's a good way for you to maintain that job.

Holding a baby is the perfect cover for committing a crime

I think I need to get into a life of crime using my son as like pretty much... a prop... The guy looked at me and he was like 'this guy... is a dad he can't steal.'

The Trail Blazers are not going to win their series against the Lakers

What I've said from the start is the Blazers aren't going to win this series and they're not gonna win this series. [Game 1] was the worst shooting team I've ever seen though, the Lakers.

The Trail Blazers will 'gentleman sweep' the Lakers

We're gonna need full Hank hate in the tank for the next series and the series after that if they can somehow survive the gentleman sweep coming away from the Blazers.

The Lakers will not win the NBA title this year

So I like the Lakers, they're not going to win the title. I can guarantee you that... watch them tonight. And I was like this team is broken.

Anthony Davis is afraid to be the 'alpha' while playing with LeBron James

Is AD afraid to be the alpha with LeBron around him? That's the question that people are asking.

The Milwaukee Bucks stink

Hank was magic earned their pins cake. I want to give you credit and for saying the buck being the first to be the Bucks stink guy. Thank you. That was your call because you were right on that.

The Clippers are the best team in the NBA when it matters most

I think the Clippers are still the best team... I still think when the chips are down like Kawhi is the type of guy. I just don't care how he looks right now. It's like once they get to the end of series like in the Western Conference Finals, like that's all I care about.

No one in the NBA can stop Luka Doncic

Luka is incredible, Luka is so fucking good... I just don't think there's anyone who can stop Luka. That's how good he is.

The Celtics will beat the 76ers even without Gordon Hayward

I mean the Celtics are going to win that series, right? Yeah, even without Gordon Hayward, they're good.

History suggests Joe Judge's 'hard-ass' coaching style might not work for the Giants

Joe judges, he is going full interim head coach right now and I hope it works just because I want to see Joe judge in the league if he's doing hilarious stuff like this from day one. I hope it works out but history tells us it might not.

Big Ten football is officially back

My cool throne is Big Ten football because Big Ten football is back. Totally. It's officially back Surya sir. Yacht who is her? Yacht. He doesn't have a random dude on Twitter who last I got tagged me one of his tweets and he was like sort my sources are telling me that the Big Ten football season like schools are very upset Big 10 football season still is back on.

The jersey currently up for auction from the Super Bowl is not the real one

That's not the jury that I have hanging down stairs at my gym... I just knew after that game. I was going to keep everything... the jerseys hanging downstairs. And the rest of the day. I have the rest of the Jersey. I have my glove my wrist brace my shoes. I got everything. So when I saw that I was a little surprised to man.

Eli Manning is a surefire Hall of Famer

I think Eli you the Hall of Famer is the first ballot. I don't know but I think in this your Fire Hall of Famer without a doubt, I think just the two Super Bowl wins, and and the Let's play that he had missed a career that he had without missing.

A human connection between coach and team is essential for winning

I don't think there is any mistaking that having a connection and a human connection with your team is what helps you win. So if [Joe Judge] has that, he has a shot. If he doesn't, I don't care how many laps you run... you just won't win.

I broke the single-season sack record and don't care about the Brett Favre 'dive' controversy

22 and a half baby if you don't like it, don't break it... anything records are meant to be broken. The only record I cared about when it came to Saks already had That's LP single-season record with the giant... I broke the number that was there.

Active players should never prioritize secondary careers over football

Don't lose focus of your primary for something that is secondary and can wait... your primary job right now is going to get you to the ends into the business is football.

Defensive end is the second most important position in football

I think the second highest paid position and football is a defensive end. Yeah behind your back because that's the only guy on the defensive side of the ball who can disrupt the quarterback in so many ways.

LeBron James and Dwight Howard are real Lakers because they wear the uniform

I don't know about that. Finally puts the Jersey on and wins a championship. That's all we care about... here's the way I look at it is we put the uniform on your liquor in my book.

The Capitals made a massive mistake not re-signing Stanley Cup-winning coach Barry Trotz

The fact that the Capitals didn't re-sign their Stanley Cup winning coach after he won a Stanley Cup is still so fucking crazy to me. I know there's money and all that stuff, but how do you win a cup and not bring that guy back? ... He's a fun coach. He's a player's coach and once it gets to the playoffs, it's all about just making your team comfortable. Todd Reirden is not that guy.

This is the easiest sports letdown of all time because fans can't attend games or have parades anyway

This is the easiest letdown of all time because you can play that game in your mind like, 'What's the point of even winning a cup if you can't go to games or go to the bars with your friends?' ... If your team loses, just enjoy the fact that this will be the easiest letdown of all time that we will ever have as fans.

The Lakers are going to destroy the Blazers in five games

The Lakers are going to fuck the Blazers up. Put it up, put it right down, quote it. Five games. Maybe [four]. ... The Blazers play pickup basketball. They do not play defense. And they play against the Lakers. I think the Lakers just need to get three consecutive stops and the game's over.

The Blazers will beat the Lakers in six games

I think [the Lakers] will get a cat hashtag Blazers. No, I just bet. I just made that bet. ... Blazers in six. Blazers.

The Celtics are going to kill the 76ers in the first round of the NBA playoffs

The Celtics are going to kill the Sixers. It's like my favorite part of the year. Although it feels like spring, it's first round of playoffs, the Celtics work the Sixers.

The 76ers are objectively a better basketball team when Joel Embiid is on the floor without Ben Simmons

The Sixers [are] objectively better when it's just Joel Embiid. All of the Celtics are banged up too. I feel like the Celtics have only athletic wings and the Sixers have none.