Takes

The Big Ten football season will actually happen despite the current cancellation

Big Ten football is definitely going to come back. Yeah, for sure. So there's a petition... Justin Fields started it... I would say conservatively I've signed it 75 times. ... I would say there's a 10% chance that I think that this fucking stupid petition online is going to actually change something. Well, so when I say 10%, obviously I mean like 60%.

Alex Smith looks like he still can't play football despite being cleared

He doesn't look like he can play football. His leg. I think I could play football better than he could play football. I don't he couldn't he couldn't avoid the rush of his five-year-old spraying like Dasani on them and then they put out pictures of his leg and it's like to see turbine not well his leg is in basically a Forever cast right now.

Notre Dame's green jerseys are officially cursed and should be retired

I feel like Notre Dame wearing the green jersey the last 20 years, they haven't won a big game. The green jerseys have flipped. They went from a Mighty Ducks story where you guys warm up in one jersey, go in the locker room, put on the green jerseys, everyone's pumped... to now whenever Notre Dame wears the green jersey, I'm sitting there like they've got no shot.

The Rudy story was largely embellished and many famous moments from the movie never happened

The Rudy story made a great movie and a lot of it was embellished. ... Locker rooms are pretty brutal anyway, but you know, I won't lie, Rudy's story made a great movie... I tell the truth but there are a lot of things that didn't happen. ... Did I tell him my jersey? No. ... Every time somebody says 'tell me about Rudy' I go, 'You really want to know about Rudy?' ... It made a good movie, but you know, there's a lot of things that didn't happen.

Modern NFL rule changes have made the quarterback position significantly easier than it was in my era

The rule change makes it easier. ... It does make it easier when you can stand there and know that you're not taking a hit. ... It used to be what separated everybody back then was who can stay in that pocket, stand there knowing there's a guy running right down the middle of you and as soon as you release this ball, you're going to get planted into the ground. Can you throw it accurately? That was the separator for most quarterbacks and they don't have to deal with that today.

I made more money from ringtones than from my record label selling albums

I realized... the ringtone was only 15 seconds of the song but it was $4.99. ... I went straight for the ringtones and every song I made I made sure I did all ringtones for it. ... I end up being on the Guinness Book of World Records for most ringtones sold in the world and the good thing that I never gave him my digital rights. I was able to really make more money just from selling ringtones that I did in my label made from selling my albums.

The 'it factor' in a superstar is impossible to describe but unmistakable once you see it

The 'it factor' you can never describe. You just don't know until you see it and you're like, 'Oh shit, that's it.' ... It's almost like an instinct. ... Your instincts tell you, 'Shit, that's a star right there.' I don't know how to explain it. I just know. [Lady Gaga] confirmed it when she went into the booth to demo the song. That's when I was like, 'Oh yes, this chick is a star.'

I will run for President of the United States in 2024 or 2028

If I do run it's probably going to be either 2024 or 2028. [Big Cat points out 2025 isn't an election year]. ... 2028, there you hear it. I think that'd be cool.

Since the Lakers are wearing Mamba jerseys, the Blazers are now guaranteed to win the series in five games

If the Lakers advance past the first round, they plan to wear Black Mamba jerseys to honor Kobe Bryant. ... Respect. So that means that after I just went on that rant about how the Blazers have no chance, the Blazers will absolutely win and then they'll never wear the jerseys. ... Revise my prediction: Blazers in five. I'll drop it to 4-1 fucking crazy. Blazers in five.

Lionel Messi will eventually play in Major League Soccer

Why doesn't Messi go to MLS? ... He's like 33. Oh, you're right about that time. He would fucking wreck the MLS. They should just give Messi an MLS team. ... I hope he does eventually come to the MLS. I'm sure that he will in like seven years once he's totally washed up.

The SEC will delay the college football season as long as possible to avoid canceling

I think the SEC is going to do... full on fucking mode, or at least like we're going to delay, delay, delay, delay until the very last second. They might even delay again. Right now the kickoff is September 26th... they might just push it back to October.

The Bucks will sweep the Magic in the first round of the NBA playoffs

It's the Bucks first the Magic. Sweep.

The Raptors will probably sweep the Nets in the first round

Raptors verse the Nets. Probably sweep

The Blazers are a team that could beat the Lakers in the first round of the NBA playoffs

Although the Blazers... I think they are a team that could beat the Lakers first round. No I said could, yes.

George Kittle is the best tight end in the NFL

George Kittle... signs a 75 million dollar contract... I'm going to say he's the best tight end in the game. He's the best tied in the game and he has played in the NFL for three years and he has made less than 2 million dollars total.

The idea of a spring college football season is ludicrous because of the lack of recovery time

The pros get five and a half months off and college kids are college players are given two and a half months off from pad to pad... that is a ludicrous thought to say. Oh, yeah, the pros are getting over five months off before they put on pads and you're going to do it to college students in two and a half months.

Top college football players will not play in a spring season

The one thing you are going to miss is you won't have one big player, one top player... why would Justin Fields, Trevor Lawrence, any big time player? They're not playing in spring because the NFL is under no guidelines to move their draft back to help out.

The NFL should schedule low over/under games at 11:00 AM to replace Big Ten football

If there's no college football on Saturday... try to replace it... by just scheduling the game that has the lowest point total over under to be the 11 a.m. Game. Have it be like Broncos Redskins 11 am.

The 2020 Big Ten cancellation makes this the least fun autumn of our lifetimes

This fall is going to be possibly the least fun Autumn, excuse me, that we'll have in our lifetimes.

I am officially sick of the Zoom interface and never want to see it again

Fuck you to Zoom. Fuck Zoom. I am sick of Zoom. The first week it was cool... Now every time I see a Zoom on Hard Knocks, it's like I'm looking into a kaleidoscope of hell. I can't process it anymore. I'm sick of seeing that interface.

Sean McVay scripted his shirtless scenes and dog tricks for Hard Knocks

Sean McVay took his shirt off which you know that he's been planning the entire summer... He's like, I'm going to work out this summer. I'm going to teach the dog cool basketball tricks and the pool and the second the cameras get here. Boom.

The movie 'Night at the Roxbury' was released before Billy Football was born

I guarantee you that movie [Night at the Roxbury] came out before Billy Football was born... It came out in 1998.

The NHL should fix long overtimes by making coaches skate 3-on-3 and eventually playing 1-on-1

The fix is you start overtime five-on-five, second overtime four-on-four, third overtime three-on-three and then if you get all the way to the fifth overtime, it's just one-on-one... They should third overtime make the coaches put on skates. I would love to see Tortorella get checked on the open ice.

The 5-overtime NHL game was caused by bad ice in Toronto

I personally blame the blame the ice in Toronto for the 5:00 overtime game.

Crutches are useless because they hurt your armpits more than your foot

I'm putting a man named... Emil Schlick in 1917. He invented the crutch and I'm saying the crutch is useless. It is my armpits are more sore than my foot.

If you don't like Nickelback, you are a sheeple

Cool throne Nickelback. If you don't like Nickelback your sheeple.

Colin Cowherd is a 'fraud gambler' for claiming he doesn't care about the MAC or the WAC

Hot Seat Colin Cowherd. You're a fucking fraud gambler. The fact that you said who cares about the MAC and the WAC... you can't talk about gambling anymore if you don't care... Those are gambling conferences. Yeah, that's why they exist.

NFL players who opt out of the 2020 season risk never playing in the league again

If you opt out, I just really want you to know there's a major possibility in chance that you may never play again... This is a business until business slaps us in the face.

I really do feel like the NFL will play its season this year

I really do feel like the NFL will play this year.

The Patriots have a better chance of winning with Cam Newton than they did with Tom Brady

I think they have a better shot with Cam than Tom. Well, that's the thing. Holy shit. You think about that?

In my prime, I would have held Michael Thomas to zero catches and zero yards

Why would you even ask me something like that? ... Stat line? ... Zero catches, zero yards. Do you understand how disruptive that is to understand if you curl your route one step too far that you could possibly see me dance with six days into the next game?

The Big Ten will announce they are canceling the college football season on Monday

As we're sitting here right now, it feels like the Big Ten is going to announce that they're canceling on Monday. And then who knows what's gonna happen? Like I could still see the SEC being like fuck everyone were playing.

College football would happen if the NCAA paid the athletes and made them employees

This is the one sport where they don't pay their athletes and if they pay their athletes, I actually think it would happen. They wish it'd basically be like, hey, do you want to get paid? Okay... the problem is the NCAA will do everything including cancel a season before they pay their athlete.

One in 50 offensive linemen will die from a heart attack during a game

Billy told us a fact that one in 50 offensive linemen will die from a heart attack during a game which I don't know where he got that fact out of his ass literally just said that before the show.

Kirk Herbstreit and Chris Fowler on Monday Night Football will be phenomenal

One positive. Let's finish this with one positive Kirk Herbstreit, Chris Fowler on Monday Night Football will be phenomenal. They're a great Monday Night Football both they and they're going to call Monday night.

Nick Saban is more likely to die from having no football than from COVID-1{9}

The likelihood that [Nick Saban] dies from having no football is actually way higher than the likelihood that he dies from coronavirus. Exactly. You are putting his life at risk people who are deciding to cancel this.

Brooks Koepka was clearly injured at the PGA Championship and everyone mocking him should go fuck themselves

Brooks lost the course one. What the fuck do you want from us? Of course one this weekend. He didn't have he was hurt... if we were to make an excuse for Brooks, he was so clearly hurt and anyone who's talking bad about him right now can go fuck themselves.

In a baseball brawl, if you call a pitcher out and they charge the mound, you are obligated to fight them yourself

I think that that's bullshit. If you call a guy and you say come over and the guy starts running at you to fight you have to fight that guy. You can't rely on your spry young players to like catch the guy and intercept them on the way in and let them fight them. You initiated the fight you got to finish it.

Derrick Rose's new Yeezy shoes look like a cartoon fish skeleton

The ye ziddi roses... It looks like a fish in a cartoon after they eat it. Pretty much... like a herringbone that's been sucked dry by a cartoon cat.

Under Armour shoe designers get their design inspiration from the $10 shoe aisle at Walmart

I think the Under Armour shoe designer just goes to Walmart and sees like all the, you know, the $10 shoes you can buy at Walmart and the star berries are there... and says cool, I'm just going to model all my shoes off of this.

The genius of Jackass is its wholesomeness and lack of mean-spiritedness toward third parties

There's also finally something I believe actually pretty wholesome about the fact that and there's nothing mean-spirited and what we're doing... we're Reckless or we do terrible things to ourselves and to each other, but we're never cruel to third parties or to anybody else. So, you know, It's weird to say Jackass is wholesome but I think it does apply.

The true genius of Jackass is the genuine friendship and laughter between the cast

I think it is also just friendship like you guys always came across as, yeah, you'd fight or there be fucked up things you do to each other, but you'd always make each other laugh and when you make each other laugh it like kind of fills the room of like, oh my God, they're having a great time.

I didn't need drugs or alcohol to do stunts because I am just a sober attention whore

I just learned that you take away the drugs and the alcohol from the waste an attention whore and then you get a sober attention whore and that's like really that's all there is to it. I never took painkillers for pain and I never did stunts because I was loaded. I just am an attention whore.

Any stunt is automatically cooler if the person doing it is on fire

My rule was always like no matter what you do, it's cooler if you're on fire. I was always on fire so that sold out a ton of footage.

TMZ's journalistic integrity is solid because they don't get stories wrong

I've always had a pretty good relationship with TMZ. And that's where I get my news, you know? It's not anybody smoke anybody says the TMZ is like tabloid trash because doing there and their journalistic integrity is so solid. Yeah, you know, they don't get anything wrong.

Jackass 4 will be a hit because the first week of production was explosive

We were one week into production where when she got shut down, but that's actually a good thing because that week was so barking explosive... in that one week we proved ourselves... there's full confidence for me that it's going to be a hit.

I will take the immediate gratification of playoff hockey over a top draft pick every single time

I know you could have gotten the first overall pick, but you know, what, would you rather have like a week and a half? Oh a combination of misery and pain and maybe a couple glimpses of Awesomeness now or You rather wait for years to maybe have a good player. I would take the immediate gratification every single time.

Damian Lillard's loyalty gives him the right to call out Paul George for switching teams

And then Dame obviously said Paul George like you keep, you know, switching teams. You don't want the hard work, which if you're Damian Lillard you get to say that argument because you are you have it in for the Trailblazers your entire life. You get to make that argument.

Draymond Green's $50,000 fine for recruiting Devin Booker was worth it

Draymond get fined $50,000 for saying Devin Booker needs to get out of the Phoenix on the set of TNT. Well, so people are saying that there shouldn't be these tampering laws anymore like $50,000 of Draymond Green is absolutely nothing. It's actually probably worth it in terms of just the message that he was sending to Booker.

The seeds from China are 'murder gourds' designed to destroy American pumpkins and cancel Halloween

He planted him seeds and a gourd pops out. Personally I think that the gourd was... going to try to harm American gourds with some sort of disease or murder gourds. And guess what's a very American gourd? Pumpkin. Trying to cancel Halloween exactly.