Takes

Jim Gaffigan's claim that he played football at Georgetown is a 'perfect crime' lie

I don't think you actually played football at Georgetown. Because you say that you played football there, but that's the perfect crime to say that you played football at a school that is Division III and no longer really keeps records of those games back. I could say I was the starting center on the Hartford Whalers.

I think Tom Brady is going to sign with the Tennessee Titans

I think [Tom Brady] is going to the Titans. Because of Vrabel. They've got a running back. They've got a good team. They've got salary cap.

Men turn uglier and uglier as they get older

As you get older, men turn uglier and uglier... George Clooney and Brad Pitt, those guys are flukes. That was like a mistake. I would say that most guys are disgusting, right? It's just a known fact.

Comedy will see a trend back toward heckling in the next few years

There's going to be a trend towards [heckling], back to it. You know, like the whole roasting trend has really kind of brought that out too.

Madison Prewett will win The Bachelor because her dad is the Auburn coach

My prediction is there is a girl who is a four-time state championship basketball player, and she goes to Auburn, and her dad is the coach of Auburn... My money's on her. Clearly, she knows the long haul, the grind.

John Green was a much better online researcher than Deanna Thompson

John Green dominated [Deanna Thompson] in terms of researching things online... At the end, when he and [Deanna] were sitting at the diner, and she was like, 'I would have quit without you,' and he was like, 'I know you would have.'

The online cat-hunter group is somewhat responsible for the murder in 'Don't F*ck With Cats'

Media and our obsession with crime documentaries and their obsession with finding someone... they are somewhat responsible. There are psycho people out there, but [Luka Magnotta] wanted to be chased and they chased him. We kind of gave it all to him.

The murderer in Don't F*ck With Cats was not a genius mastermind

This guy is not as smart as everyone's making him out to be. He is not some mastermind. He's a fucked up piece of shit... he's narcissistic and he got caught in like three days.

The 2020 Wild Card weekend was the most thrilling in NFL history

That was an insane, insane Wild Card weekend. Probably, I wouldn't say the best Wild Card weekend because I honestly just can't remember all the Wild Card weekends off the top of my head. But it was probably the most thrilling.

Deshaun Watson is the Michael Jordan of the NFL

When Dabo Swinney says [Deshaun Watson] is Michael Jordan, that's what he's talking about. The fact that he has that poise and that one play where he got sacked twice, spun around and made a play.

Josh Allen is like Brett Favre with ADD

He was playing like a little kid just hopped up on sugar, just running around, making plays. He was like Brett Favre if Brett Favre had ADD.

The Patriots dynasty is not over despite losing to the Titans

The season is finished. The dynasty is not done. ... I don't see Brady going anywhere else. I understand that it's the first time in his career he can do whatever he wants, but realistically, it's one of those things where you can do whatever you want, but you don't want to leave your job.

Bill Belichick is the reason for the Patriots' sustained success because he knows exactly when to cut players

The reason why you guys have had such sustained, insane success that probably we'll never see again in the NFL is because [Belichick] always knows when a guy needs to go. ... Bill Belichick essentially is like those hackers that the FBI hires to, like, hack into their own mainframe to find all the loopholes.

The Patriots are on the verge of starting a third dynasty

They've had two dynasties. People aren't really giving it like, the dynasty's over. The second dynasty's over. Double dynasty. Started the third act for the Patriots. ... I think if they win next year, it would be part of the second dynasty. But then if they win the year after that, then it's like... a third dynasty.

Jameis Winston is worth more money than Tom Brady right now

Who's worth more money, Jameis Winston or Tom Brady? Jameis. ... He's just got more years. Yeah, he's 26. And he's a future Hall of Famer.

I would rather have a bad quarterback than draft Tua Tagovailoa

I don't want to deal with the bullshit media for like a year being like Tua and Tua and Tua. ... I'd rather have a bad quarterback than a good quarterback. ... A Big Ten, some Big Ten, or like random MAC quarterback.

The Saints would have won if they kept Taysom Hill on the field

But if Taysom Hill stays out there, they win that game. ... Taysom Hill was electric. He was the best player on the field.

Kirk Cousins will fail against the 49ers in the divisional round

Kirk Cousins wasn't incredible in this game. Oh, he's going to shit down his leg in San Francisco in a week.

Jadeveon Clowney's hit on Carson Wentz was assault

Jadeveon Clowney with the cheapest hit on Carson Wentz concusses him. ... Anyone who's calling Carson Wentz injury prone off of that is fucking bullshit because Jadeveon Clowney assaulted him.

The Washington Capitals will win the 2020 Stanley Cup

My who's back of the week is the Washington Capitals. So it is 2020. It is even year bullshit for the Capitals. They win the Stanley Cup every year. They won in 2018. They're about to win it again.

Derrick Henry would rush for 400 yards in an NFL game if given 57 carries

If he played the worst team in the NFL, he could probably get, if he ran him 57 times, he could probably get 400 yards.

The Titans and Ravens will have one of the shortest games in NFL history because they both just run the ball

It's going to be interesting seeing the Titans play against the Ravens next week because, I mean, that's probably going to be one of the shortest games in NFL history. It's going to be run the ball, run the ball, run the ball, run the ball.

Sean Payton will leave the Saints for the Dallas Cowboys and take Taysom Hill with him

Ooh, what about... You think what I'm thinking? Sean Payton. Sean Payton just lost today. It's true. He's been linked. He's got family in Dallas. ... Taysom Hill goes with him. Like Al Pacino and Willie Beeman.

Jerry Jones will fire Jason Garrett at halftime of one of the wild card games

I actually think at this point he will fire Jason Garrett like at halftime of one of the wild card games just so that we can talk about it or he might just give him a contract extension on the 14th.

Dave Gettleman is only hiring 'computer folks' for show and won't actually listen to them

He's hiring computer folks. I was joking when I when I saw that clip that it really is like your dad when he gets too many viruses on his laptop... He's not going to actually listen to them. No, that's the thing. He's just hiring them to say that he has computer folk.

Matt Rhule will be the next head coach of the New York Giants

Who do you think gets the job for the Giants? Matt Rhule. If [Rhule] can get his own Smock I think is going to be the Giants.

Urban Meyer coaching the Cleveland Browns would be assisted suicide

Urban Meyer coaching the Browns would be assisted suicide. He cannot—he is the man who losses kill him. They take away part of his life like the battery life in his body. If he goes to the Browns he will die.

The Redskins will win eight games next year under Ron Rivera

I'm dangerously close to being back all in on the our words [Redskins] and by all in I think maybe they win 8 games next year. Woah. Yeah, that's a lot.

Wisconsin will never be a national title contender

Wisconsin never going to be a national title contender. The Rose Bowl is the Super Bowl and I'm fine with that. Some people call that loser talk that's called being a realist fan.

Gus Johnson is not a good football announcer

I just firing off some takes that I've been sitting on and I got ratioed because I don't think Gus Johnson is a good football announcer. Okay. And people got mad.

The Buffalo Bills will beat the Houston Texans 17-10 on Saturday

The final score will be 17 to 10. Yep, and the Buffalo Bills will win. Whoo. Okay, put it in stone.

The Patriots will beat the Titans easily and make everyone look stupid

This feels like one of those games where everyone is going to talk themselves into the Patriots being done... they're going to beat the Titans easily and everyone's be like damn we Feel stupid.

Ryan Tannehill is not afraid of Tom Brady and the Titans will win

I'm taking the Titans. Okay, I think that Tannehill is the one quarterback that is not afraid of Tom Brady. He's beaten him four times... now we got Tannehill he's going to go in there. I think that the Titans are going to win.

Kirk Cousins is going to look 'so short' playing in the Superdome

Kirk Cousins on the road and the Dome. He's gonna look so short. You know look so short. You know what else this is—this is also I just thought about this but Sean Payton hasn't done any weird motivational gimmicks this year.

Xavier Rhodes is going to get torched and be terrible in the Wild Card game

Can we just get Xavier Rhodes' name trending before the game because it's going to happen. He's going to get torched and get mad about it. So we should like pre-trend him so that everyone just knows like hey, here's a heads-up Xavier Rhodes is going to be terrible.

The Eagles are my lock of the year against the Seahawks

I'm taking the Eagles because it's Tony's it's my Tony Danza lock the lock of the Year. Okay. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I'm going to also take Tony Danza.

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk. I think. Oh, no doubt. No doubt.

I would be much more successful in today's NFL spread offenses

I'm a little jealous of what's going on right now with the spread offenses. It makes it a lot easier for a smaller guy to be successful in run the quarterback draw... we were running RPOs [in Canada] in '94, '93.

Notre Dame will not win a national championship anytime soon

Are they gonna win a National Championship? Not soon. I don't think so. They're not bad. They will be in that college football playoff picture every year to be a top ten team... but there are some things that make it much more difficult at Notre Dame to win a National Championship.

I am going to bench press 215 pounds in 2020

My New Year's resolution is to... be able to bench press 215 pounds. So what would be—which will be really helpful for you... 215 once. Yeah.

Juggling is the ultimate flex move and only exists to make other people feel inferior

The problem with juggle guys is when were you break it out where everyone isn't like fuck you man. I've said every time someone I was like what? Okay, cool. Dude. Juggling is such a flex move... they're just like rubbing your face.

Pete Carroll took a deliberate delay of game to avoid another goal-line mistake with Marshawn Lynch

I actually think conspiracy theory here that Pete Carroll took the delay game on purpose because he didn't want to be stuck in a situation where he screwed up on the one-yard line again with Marshawn Lynch back... Pete Carroll kind of saved himself from himself by backing it up to the 6-yard line.

Russell Wilson is the best quarterback to have with the ball at the end of a game

In terms of quarterbacks I want to have the ball at the end of the game, [Russell Wilson] is my number one. Yeah, he's my number one, even though they didn't score there, he's still my number one because he did everything to get them to score.

Kyle Shanahan lowered the 49ers' win probability by 19% by punting on fourth and one

Kyle Shanahan you kind of let me down by punting there on fourth and one when your offense is so good... their percentage to win the game went down by 19 percent by punting instead of going I thought they should have gone for it.

Jameis Winston's entertainment value to the NFL is worth over $30 million a year

I actually think that as far as entertainment value goes [Jameis Winston's] worth for the NFL is worth well over 30 million dollars. Yes because of what he delivers to the fans... please give Jameis the bump so we can see him in Sunday night and Monday night all next year.

The Falcons are the clear 'Dark Horse' team for the 2020 NFL season

They are perfectly perfectly placed to be one of the Dark Horse teams in 2020 because they finished the season on a high note... this will definitely be the you'll be sitting September 2020... and someone probably Strahan will probably say you know which team I really got my eye on the Atlanta Falcons.

The Patriots will beat the Titans in the Wild Card round but then lose to the Chiefs

I feel like the [Patriots are] going to roll the Titans and everyone's going to buy back in and then they're going to lose the Chiefs.

The Titans will beat the Patriots in the Wild Card round

I think I think the Titans take [the Patriots].

Kevin Harlan is the best play-by-play announcer in all sports

Kevin Harlan I actually was thinking about this because he... honestly might be my favorite play-by-play like all sports.

Aaron Rodgers looks miserable and doesn't seem to love playing football anymore

Does Aaron Rodgers love football? Yes. He he has the worst body language I've ever seen... deep down you have to ask yourself is something up because he looks miserable playing football. The first half he was missing wide-open guys.