Takes

Danica Patrick's crystals are the reason Aaron Rodgers' play has declined

I think [Danica Patrick's] crystals have him fucked up. That was my theory. Anika's got the crystals all fucked up.

Aaron Rodgers is playing poorly because he is broke and stressed about money

Is Aaron Rodgers broke? Is that maybe why he's upset because he spent all his money trying to entertain Danica... He would be the most hilarious unexpected athletes end up on the 30 for 30 'Broke'. I actually think that he's being held hostage by somebody... he looks like he's worried about bills.

The Packers will win 'ugly' and make the Super Bowl

The Packers look terrible in the first half they obviously came in and won... but they're going to fucking go to the Super Bowl. I just feel it in my bones. I just know it. I know they don't have the one seed anymore, but they're going to win ugly games.

Mike McCarthy will be the next head coach of the Cleveland Browns

I think it's going to be [Mike] McCarthy [for the Browns]. Because he looks like McCarthy looks like a Cleveland coach... if Freddy kitchens got a makeover and became slightly more professional, right? That's what you have when you get in my car if Freddy kitchens got a haircut and skip dinner. Yeah, he'd be Mike McCarthy.

Jimmy Haslam is a 'puppet owner' for the Browns installed by the Steelers to keep the franchise down

I've got a conspiracy theory about the Browns that I've been marinating on for the last five years. I think that Jimmy Haslam is a fraud owner... I think that he's a shadow owner. He's a puppet owner for in place by the Steelers. He was a partial owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers before he became an owner of the Browns. So I think that this might be a situation where he got sent to Cleveland just make sure that they never become too much of a threat to the Steelers.

The New York Jets are a sleeper candidate for 2020 after a strong finish

My AFC Mike strip Michael Strahan Dark Horse team has to be the Jets. Because in the last eight games of the season... the season just ran out on the Jets. You can't get Mono twice if it had kept on going they would have been the AFC East champions.

Drew Lock will be a five-time Pro Bowler

I'm going to take your original question say [Drew Lock] will make he will be in five pro/5 Pro Bowl. Damn. Okay. Okay, Drew lock five-time pro bowler.

Terrell Owens and Calvin Johnson were better than Larry Fitzgerald

Tio's better than Larry Fitzgerald. I'm sure someone will show me numbers. I watch both guys play I'd put Tio in there... Calvin Johnson was better than Lou Fitzgerald Calvin Johnson didn't make the top [100]. I agree with that. I think Calvin Johnson Calvin Johnson and Tio were better.

Doug Marrone is a fighter and will talk himself into keeping his job with the Jaguars

If gun to my head I'd say he's probably fired but Doug Marrone does strike me. He's a fighter. He strikes me as that guy who will get in a room and he will fight for his job and they'll be some crying and some laughing and it will just be a whirlwind and then boom he keeps his job.

Ron Rivera will be the next head coach of the Washington Redskins

I think Ron Rivera is gonna be the next head coach of the [Redskins]. And I think they're going to get an actual GM.

The Steelers would be a 10-win playoff team if Big Ben provided even average QB play

If you just play average football the Steelers win 10 games this year and are in the playoffs.

The Big 12 should be banned from the College Football Playoff for a year

I want to do right now here now say that Oklahoma deserves a one-year ban from the college football playoff... the entire Big 12 done out here band for the Big 12 out out. I can't I can't do it.

Sam Howell will be a Heisman contender in a few years

The Military Bowl UNC Sam Howell's awesome... circle him because he's going to be sort of like a Heisman guy in a couple years. He's a freshman true freshman.

Wisconsin is going to win the Rose Bowl

Wisconsin going to win the Rose Bowl PFT. You're locking that up right now.

I'm taking the Packers, Cowboys, and Broncos in a can't-lose parlay for Week 17

My can't lose parlay this week is the Green Bay Packers, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Denver Broncos.

The Seahawks will beat the 49ers on Sunday Night Football

I feel like I don't have faith in either of those teams. But that just feels like a Seahawks win. You close your eyes and you just see it's probably drizzling... It's loud as fuck.

The Titans can beat the Chiefs again if they meet in the playoffs

We could end up with Kansas City playing against Tennessee in the first round of the playoffs, and I think that Tennessee could beat Kansas City again. I think that could happen.

The Cowboys are an absolute joke and worse than a fraud

The Cowboys are a joke. They are an absolute joke... Worse than a fraud. Because a fraud would imply that they are good but fraudulent. A joke, I don't even want to fucking spend time with them.

Clemson will beat Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl

I have a future on Ohio State, but I think Clemson is going to beat them.

LSU will crush Oklahoma in the Peach Bowl regardless of the spread

Was it 13 and a half right now? Yeah, 14, 13 and a half. Fuck it. Make it 21. I still like LSU.

Hell is a self-imposed condition you create within yourself

Hell is what you make it within yourself. So hell is a self-imposed condition... hell is really something you create yourself. The difference between organized religion and spirituality is organized religion is built for people to be afraid of hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there.

Golf takes too long and should be reduced to 14 or 15 holes

Nobody wants to spend five and a half hours out there... Literally, I would just make it like 15 holes, 14 holes. Because then you get to go in the 19th hole a little bit quicker.

Today's wrestling has lost the spontaneity and sense of urgency of the Attitude Era

To me, it's just maybe, I'm not picking on today's product, but I just think the spontaneity is lost. Like that feeling that anything could happen is lost. And if you bring it back and create that excitement, I don't think you need to go to filling up this with that or crushing things. Sense of urgency I think is the most important part.

No matter how smart you think you are at 20 years old, you are actually an idiot

No matter how smart you think you are, you're an idiot... This is why everyone older than you hates you, because they all went through the exact same thing where it's like I got everything figured out, and then you just realize you don't. And it doesn't mean you're not smart. It doesn't mean you're not creative... [but] you can't have any of this perspective that you're going to need.

I'm the number one person in the world at finding open tables at packed bars

I think I'm number one in the world at finding open tables at packed bars or seats in general because of my figure and I don't like to stand very much... I will always find an open table.

Screaming 'hot soup' is the most effective way to move through a packed subway train in New York

Also do the hot soup on a packed subway train in New York if you're trying to get to the exit. Just give a quick hot soup coming through and everyone will move out of the way. Swear to God. It's so stupid, but it works every time.

Ben Roethlisberger is tough as hell but often exaggerates the severity of his injuries

It's a lot of injuries Seven [Roethlisberger] shouldn't have played. But he's just a tough... That's what makes Seven seven... And there's probably a lot of other injuries that... Seven, man, come on, man, stop all that BS... So you're going to have the boot on on Monday, but Tuesday you're going to be all good.

A VCU home game is more life-altering than a 10-day trip to Europe

Yeah, but you haven't been to a home game at the Siegel Center [VCU]. And I was like, this was peak Shaka [Smart]. This was Travion Graham, Briante Weber. Like, you want to do push-ups on picket fences when they put the press on. So this was kind of my subtle way after we broke up to kind of, like, send, you know, a shot across the bow.

I bought a Tesla to quit dipping, but I just ended up going to the gas station to buy dip anyway

The plan was to buy a Tesla so that I could quit dipping because then I wouldn't have to go to the gas station anymore. So now I just go to the gas station just to buy dip.

The first post-airplane fart is the best part of getting off of a plane

I would say that the best part about getting off of a plane is that first post-airplane fart that you have. For whatever reason, the altitude sucks it all up in you.

NHL refs rely on video replay too much as a safety net, which creates inconsistency

With that sort of difficulty now that they've infused this video replay that is such a safety net for guys, they rely on it too much. It's not even they don't... a goal goes in the net and they're standing so deep in the corner. They don't even signal it. They might not even see it. You got to see everything and use the replay to verify.

The NHL video replay room in Toronto should be staffed by former referees

The problem is that they should have former referees sitting in that room [in Toronto] to make the decision [on video replays].

The only way to cure a Dave & Buster's obsession is to beat the person and get a higher score on every single game

The only way that you can actually beat this [Dave & Buster's obsession] is if you get better at Dave and Buster's than him. That's the only way. ... The only solution, if you really don't want to go to Buster's, is you have to get the high score on every single fucking game. ... You have to win more tickets than him one time. ... And he will never go again.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

Steve Spagnuolo will be a head coach next year

I'm just going to make a prediction right now. Check it. Steve Spagnuolo... He's going to be interviewed by a lot of teams this offseason as a head coach. It's been enough time where people forgot that he's not a good head coach. I think he's actually going to be a head coach next year.

The Texans have no chance of winning more than one playoff game this year

Do you think the Texans have any ability to win [a playoff game]? I would say one's pushing it. That's how toothless I feel like they are. One is pushing it.

I no longer feel as good about the 49ers' defense as I did earlier in the season

The parts that I used to feel good about with the 49ers, I feel not as good. And the parts that I used to feel bad about, I feel better... I just don't know. The 49ers I can't make heads or tails of. There's times where I watch them I'm like this team is so so good and there's times I watch them like man what's going on here.

The Rams should trade Aaron Donald to recoup draft picks

The Rams... essentially the gist of it was nothing is off the table here and even possibly trading Aaron Donald would be... because they don't have picks. They don't have picks in the next two drafts. So now they might have to pay back some of that all in to get some draft capital... It'd be crazy if they did that, but they would also get a lot back for it.

Gardner Minshew is likely just a good backup quarterback

Gardner Minshew... Backup, maybe. Good backup. Good backup, maybe with a little time. Good locker room guy.

Freddie Kitchens must be fired by the Browns

I think in Cleveland, Freddie Kitchens needs to be fired. Situational football, not his strength... And only a bad coach lets that happen. I just don't... I think he's worth firing.

Taysom Hill will be overpaid by a rival team to be a starting quarterback

Their theory is that Sean Payton wants somebody to overpay for Taysom Hill when he becomes a free agent to be a quarterback. And so that's why he keeps letting him throw the ball so that one of his future rivals will have a bunch of cap space tied up in Taysom Hill.

The Panthers should keep Cam Newton for the 2020 season

Hey, Panthers, are you sure you really want to move on from Cam Newton? Because I feel like you've seen enough of life without Cam Newton to be like, maybe let's do this one more time with Cam Newton... If you're the Panthers, I think you kind of want to keep him.

The Giants will beat the Eagles in Week 17

I wouldn't be shocked if the Giants somehow beat the Eagles on Sunday. I wouldn't either. I think it's possible. That's just stupid enough for the NFC East to come down to that.

The Vikings will get 'murdered' by the Eagles if they meet in the playoffs

Are the Eagles now a team you don't want to play? In Philly, yeah. And you know what? It would probably be the Vikings, right? Oh, my God. They'll get fucking murdered. Kirk Cousins is going to get smoked in Philly. Absolutely murdered.

The Seahawks should sign Marshawn Lynch for the playoffs

I've got an idea. Marshawn Lynch. Bring him back. Sign Marshawn Lynch and LeGarrette Blount... Marshawn could be talked into going back to Seattle. It'd be incredible.

The movie 'Cats' is intentionally broken to generate viral buzz

I'm a little bit woke because it is getting people talking about the movie Cats because we probably wouldn't be talking about it at all if it wasn't a massive fuck up. And now what they're doing is they're taking the movie back. They're re-editing certain scenes and sending an entirely new version out next week. So now the people that already saw it are going to want to go back and see it again.

I officially admit that it was my 'dip spit' in the Mountain Dew bottle

Who's dip spit do you really think it was? Seriously, like, all shtick aside. You know it wasn't mine, right? I mean, the fact that you wanted it is, like, crazy. No, of course I am. Of course it was mine. Who else would it be?

Blake Bortles was the glue that held the Jaguars together

One must ask was Blake Bortles the glue that held the Jaguars together? Oh for sure. I mean, that's that's why I ran. Wanted to go to LA.

If you FaceTime anyone over 30 who is not a professional athlete, you're an asshole

Those are FaceTime [people]. That's true because every I have never not looked horrendous in a FaceTime... if you FaceTime anyone over 30 who is not a professional athlete, you're actually an asshole.

Jameis Winston will record a touchdown, an interception, and a fumble on Saturday

The special famous Jameis hat-trick: Jameis [Winston] to record over a half a touchdown, half an interception and a half a fumble. I love that one.