Takes

The Raptors can beat the Warriors by physically roughing up Steph Curry

Concussing Steph Curry is the best way to beat the Warriors, I think. Just choke him out. The Warriors should be smart and just roll Boogie out there. I don't care if he's hurt or injured or whatever. Let him go out there on crutches and just have him beat the fuck out of him.

Joey Salads having sex thousands of times without a pregnancy means he has 'beta sperm'

Actually, admitting that you've never gotten pregnant when your main point is just pulling out. That tells me you've got beta sperm, bro. You got a little tiny dead fish in there.

The speed at which a city's NFL players chug beer is directly correlated to the success of their local NBA/NHL teams

I said at the start of the playoffs, I was like, the speed in which your football players chug beers is directly correlated to your basketball team's success in the playoffs. And we've seen it time and again in the NHL, in the NBA. And guess what? [Aaron] Rodgers absolutely cursed [the Bucks].

The NFL should fire all current referees and replace them with Special Ops combat veterans

The nfl to fix its refereeing problem they should just fire all the refs and hire nothing but special ops... Special ops. And teach them how to officiate football games. Is that the reaction time for special ops guys are going to be better than these guys... You put them there together as a team... Plus, they got, you know, bullets are flying. These guys react better.

RBIs are the most important and only truly meaningful stat in baseball

RBIs are actually the most important stat when you actually look at it... The team who has the most RBIs... I'm not even counting runs anymore.

Daniel Jones is Archie Manning's illegitimate child because they look identical

We've been saying that it's a good possibility that Daniel Jones is Archie Manning's illegitimate child. And that picture that came out yesterday certainly I think lended a lot of credence. I think you could just put those side by side, most people in America would be like, yeah, that guy is somehow related.

The take that the Warriors are better without Kevin Durant is starting to look true

The kernel, the little fucking seed that got planted a few weeks ago, has now become a full tree, a take tree. Are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? It is a full-blown take tree. It's the tree that's dropping shit on your car now because you can't go anywhere without seeing this take. And it's starting to look kind of true.

Cliff Kingsbury is 'system hot' and hides behind his sunglasses

I think Cliff is fake hot. I think he's not as hot as advertised. I think he's system hot. He hides behind the sunglasses. He's tall. Yeah, he hides behind the sunglasses like a real coward.

Kyler Murray is actually much shorter than his listed height

I actually do think that he's short. I think he's shorter than I am... He's like 5'6", 5'7", 5'8"... I do think that Kyler Murray is running away from his true self. I think that he's like 5'8".

I could beat Kevin Durant one-on-one right now because of his injury

Right now, I could probably beat him [Kevin Durant] one-on-one. I could absolutely beat Kevin Durant one-on-one right now.

Seth Curry is a better pure shooter than Steph Curry

Seth Curry is the better pure shooter than Steph Curry... Steph has to create his own shot. Seth is much better off the pick... Seth is better away from the ball.

Nursing school graduation is a second-tier event that doesn't require a video recording

Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? No. Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right? So you probably already had a degree. Maybe if you were a doctor [it would matter].

The mid-range jump shot still has a place in the modern NBA

Turns out Manalytics going one-on-one with a guy and hitting a step-back 14-footer still has a place in this game... The nerds, though, have been put on their heels a little bit. They're updating their stat sheets, their spreadsheets, saying, well, actually, that was actually a great shot.

The 'Melo Curse' is a real phenomenon where teams fail after trading Carmelo Anthony

If USA Basketball doesn't win the next gold, I'm officially saying Melo is the best cursor of all time... Syracuse hasn't won a championship since Melo got traded. Boom. Done. Whenever he leaves your team, you don't do anything.

Jon Snow is responsible for the massacre at King's Landing because he wouldn't sleep with Daenerys

Jon Snow should get some of this blame because if he just had sex with her, she probably wouldn't have gone crazy. Exactly. Just sack up and fuck your aunt and save millions of lives... You can flip out while you watch a city burn and be like, we shouldn't be doing this. Or you can just squeeze off a nut the night before.

If the Hurricanes lose their playoff series, Big Cat will track down and kill Hamilton the Pig.

If the hurricanes lose, I'm going to try to track down the pig and kill it... I'll kill a pig. Let's do bacon until it dies of a heart attack.

If modern teams used the defensive shift against George Brett, he would have hit .450.

If they put the shift on me, I'm not bullshitting you. I'd hit 450. Because I could hit a ground ball to the shortstop or third baseman whenever I wanted... I stood far enough off the plate that it didn't matter.

Bill Belichick manipulated Sean McVay into watching too much film for Super Bowl LIII by praising his dedication.

I believe that Bill Belichick knew that [Sean McVay] was going to go and watch too much film... He's been calling Sean McVay all season long... Telling him stuff and being like, Sean, one thing I really admire about you is your dedication to film study.

I would cut D'Angelo Russell for being a 'bad decision maker' after his weed arrest

The stupidity is, like, way worse than the crime... Bad decision maker. Honestly, just put it in your pocket. I'd cut him.

Kevin Durant vs. Michael Jordan is a legitimate debate

People are saying—I'm not saying. People are saying should the debate be Kevin Durant versus Michael Jordan... I kind of agree.

3-1 in the Finals is a better record than 3-6 when comparing Durant and LeBron

So he's [Durant] got the same amount of rings... It feels like three and one better than three and six. We could go all day, folks. We could cherry pick all day.

NBA players and fans are soft for cheering an injury comeback that NHL players do routinely

I saw that asshole from the Cavs [Kevin Love]... broke his nose and came back with a fucking mask on and got a standing ovation. Are you shitting me? Ryan Malone on Pittsburgh... got a slap shot directly in the face... shoved a couple tampons out there and came back, no mask, no standing ovation for him.

The Bucks are unbeatable and will dominate the Eastern Conference

But as I've said, these Bucks are unbeatable in this playoff. They are going to dominate the East. Clearly the best team.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

The NBA should allow defensive goaltending on three-pointers to decrease shooting efficiency

Allowing goaltending on threes is probably the biggest stoner ideas I have. Let's make it fun, dudes. Let's make it a little harder for these guys.

The Jeopardy buzzer is goosed to help James Holzhauer win

I think Jeopardy's probably goosing his buzzer speed because he's really, really quick on the thumb... I think the buzzer on the left is faster than the other ones because it's in the best interest of Jeopardy to have a dominant star. They need a king.

Dan Snyder is the best talent evaluator in the history of the NFL

I don't do overreactions, but Dan Snyder is the best talent evaluator in the history of the National Football League.

The Giants drafted Daniel Jones as a genius move to keep Eli Manning starting

It was actually, when you think about it, a genius move by Dave Gettleman because what he did here was he drafted a guy who everyone, all the Giants fans, he'd be like, look, we drafted a guy top 10. We have our quarterback of the future. He's just going to suck. And we can keep Eli going.

Daniel Jones is actually an unacknowledged member of the Manning family

I think there was some hanky-panky that went on, and Archie's got another kid running around by the name of Daniel Jones... Daniel Jones is the most fucking alias name I've ever heard. Absolutely. He is a Manning. He's Manning through and through.

Duke players only chose the school for the degree, not because of illegal payments

So essentially Marvin Bagley and Zion Williamson were on the open market to be bought, but all of a sudden no one was able to buy them except for—oh, Duke. I figured it out, though... they decided to go for the diploma, a long-term investment, as opposed to a quick infusion of cash.

Baseball players should start smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the dugout to prevent modern muscle injuries

Yeah, I think that baseball players should start smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the dugout again because you never heard of guys back in the 20s tearing their ACL. They just limped around like fools for the last 40 years of their life if they were lucky.

Jared Dudley is a clown

I'm just going to say totally unbiased, even though I'm biased because I don't like Jared Dudley because he denied an interview on Pardon My Take and canceled last second. I think Jared Dudley's a clown.

Greg Popovich is trying to sabotage NBA stars with wine

I truly think that he uses it as an advantage to be like, I'm going to turn LeBron James into an alcoholic so my San Antonio Spurs can still look like we're still in dynasty mode.

Modern weed has become too good and it actually sucks now

My first personal Fyre Fest is weed. Just pot. I don't like smoking really good weed. I think really good weed has gotten so good that it sucks. I like nice, kind bud. Like a decent KB is what I'm about. If you give me something... orange crystals... I'm like, no, I don't want to smoke that because I'm going to feel like I'm on the moon and I don't want to be on the moon. I want to be like in the clouds.

Archie Manning is behind the Daniel Jones hype to protect Eli Manning's job

Very clearly Archie Manning [is behind this] because the Manning family is fucking in love with Duke's coach [David Cutcliffe]... And this guy is just somebody that's been around Peyton and Eli for long enough that Archie's like, he's my third boy... He knows how to keep this guy under control and not be good enough to take Eli's job for at least five years.

Blake Snell was actually having sex in the shower when he hurt his toe

Dude, you're having sex in the shower. Like that was a really long way of just saying, hey, I was having sex in the shower and I stubbed my toe.

Max Kellerman farted on 'First Take' because he's terrified of Stephen A. Smith

I think he did fart, and I think it's because Stephen A. Smith has just been owning him with debates... Kellerman is scared of Stephen A. Smith. He is absolutely frightened by the very sight of him.

The Raptors should trade Drake to break the Drake Curse

The Raptors should trade Drake. He's a big mad. I think he's upset.

The Washington Capitals killed the Eastern Conference

Did the Washington Capitals kill the Eastern Conference? Not just the Penguins, who, by the way, they haven't won a game in the playoffs since the Caps beat them... Nor have the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Magic Johnson resigned because he wants to spend more time tampering

Magic Johnson... announces that he is stepping down as president of basketball operations from the Lakers... We all thought when he did it, we're like, oh, he is upset because he can't tamper as president. And so he wants to retire to spend more time with his tampering.

Antonio Brown is actually nuts and the Steelers will benefit by moving on

The bottom line is both Aaron Rodgers and Antonio Brown are a couple of messy bitches who love drama... It's come out that [AB] is basically like... yeah, he is insane... I could see an addition by subtraction.

Paul Pierce's career ceiling was Dwyane Wade with arthritis

I think at the height of Paul Pierce's career, he was still like Dwyane Wade with arthritis. That was his ceiling.

The Jets should release new, shittier uniforms every year to match the state of the franchise

The Jets should almost come out with new shittier versions of their uniform every year because that goes right along with the state of the franchise. And it's probably if you can get the people talking about how bad your uniforms are, that's a great distraction for the Jets.

John Calipari's lifetime contract actually proves he was on the hot seat

This also, I think, proves that we were right all along by saying Cal's on the hot seat because you don't give a lifetime deal if a guy's not on a hot seat. You know what I mean? You just let it ride out because you're like, it's fine... To do this drastic deal for life, that feels like they're trying to get in front of the hot seat that probably was very, very hot.

Tom Izzo is overrated until he wins a second title

Tom Izzo himself is on board the Tom Izzo is overrated bandwagon. He said that he needs another title to validate his time there as a head coach. Okay, so I'm going to consider that a win for myself. And if he wins this year, then guess what? I'm taking him off my overrated list.

LeBron James has smelly breath and halitosis

LeBron James has smelly breath, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Not just because of the wine, but because LeBron definitely is surrounded by yes men, and he probably just does his halitosis breath in everyone's face. You think Maverick Carter's going to be like, hey, Bron, how about a fucking piece of Trident?

Tom Izzo is a very overrated coach because he does not win enough championships.

I still think that Izzo is very, very, very overrated. Final fours. Yeah, that's fine... When was the last time they won a championship? I'm about rings, dude. I don't know about you. I don't care about Final Fours, all that bullshit.

Coach K has entered the 'Paterno phase' of his career where he is no longer actually coaching.

First of all, can we just acknowledge that [Coach K] has entered the Paterno phase of his career where he's just trying not to shit his pants as the game's going on. He's not actually coaching. That's the thing. This season was such a disaster from Duke... How do you have a team full of freshmen get worse as the season goes on?

I will eat PFT Commenter's ass if Christian Yelich wins the Home Run Derby.

They were talking about the Home Run Derby and if Christian Yelich ever got in it and won, that [Big Cat] would eat PFT Commenter's ass. Yes. And so when I saw that tweet, it just reminded me... I'll fucking eat PFT's ass, whatever.

Baseball managers should be required to manage shirtless

If you're a manager, it should be mandatory that you're shirtless. Just the pants and the belt. We should do bodies of baseball, and it's just all the managers.