Takes

My 'Can't Lose' Parlay for Week 5 is the Bears, Eagles, Patriots, and Chiefs

The Can't Lose Parlay of the week. It cannot lose. Drumroll. The Bears, Khalil Mack, revenge game. Philly, they're not losing to the Jets. The Patriots, they're not losing to the Redskins. And then you get to just sit back and enjoy the Sunday night football game and have the Chiefs.

The Bills-Titans game will eventually decide who gets a wildcard spot in the AFC

Bill's Titans is my loser leaves town game because... whoever wins this game is going to have the tiebreaker. And I think this could be the game that eventually decides who gets that wildcard spot.

The Green Bay Packers' run defense is a major red flag

If you look at the Packers defense... it has regressed run defense wise every single week. That's hard to do to get worse every single week. So their run defense is a major red flag.

Jay Gruden played Dwayne Haskins early just to prove to the front office that he wasn't ready

I actually think it was [Jay Gruden] saying fuck you to Dan Snyder and Bruce Allen who want him to play Dwayne Haskins. He put Dwayne Haskins in knowing he was going to fuck up just to be like, see, I told you he wasn't ready.

Teddy Bridgewater can't throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field

I don't think Teddy Bridgewater can throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field. So I like that under.

The Ravens are severely overrated

I do think the Ravens are severely overrated. ... They've done a major comeback to earth for the last couple weeks.

Roger Federer is the GOAT of tennis

Federer is a goat. We better not be talking about Novak.

Rapping is only 20% of being successful in the music industry

I think personally, rapping is like 20% of it. And it doesn't mean that you don't have the 100% potential and experience and lyrics and, you know, do what you do. But I feel like people forget about the business side.

LSU might put up 50 points against Alabama in Tuscaloosa this year

We got a quarterback [Joe Burrow] for the first time in a while. We might put up 50 points against Bama in Tuscaloosa. ... Hey, if we pass the 50-yard line, we're putting up 50.

The Houston Astros are the best team in the world

We think pressure is a privilege, and we want to go out there and prove to the world that they're right and that we are the best team in the world.

Betting every single moneyline underdog is a winning strategy

I love 11 Moneyline underdogs. ... It worked out really well for me last week, and I'm very concerned because I know it's probably not going to work out as well. ... I've convinced so many people in the office that it's a winning strategy.

The Cincinnati Bearcats' black field prank was a terrible joke

Cincinnati...dying their field black for Friday night's game. I've never been more excited to bet on a team. Turns out they were just kind of like joking... that's not a good joke. Getting everyone excited about it. That's a terrible joke. I was so pumped to watch Cincinnati on an all-black field.

Time was invented by women to make men feel bad about their performance in bed

Time was just invented by women to make you think that you don't last long enough at sex.

You have to be at least 80 years old to officially die of 'old age'

I would say you have to be over 80 to die of old age. ... Once you pass 80, you can't expect anyone to be sad about your death. That actually is the nice zone.

It is selfish to live past 100 years old

Once the clock strikes 100, at that point, you should just let go. You're being selfish if you live past 100. Yeah, you're kind of trying to show everyone up.

Adult males who buy baseball pants should be put on a no-fly list

I think any time somebody buys an adult male buys a pair of baseball pants. They should be put on a no-fly list.

The Nationals are a team of destiny

I'm beginning to think team of destiny. The oh the Nats. Yeah. Okay, prove me wrong.

The Dodgers will beat the Nationals

I think the Dodgers will [prove you wrong].

Andy Dalton is done as a relevant starting quarterback

And then the Bengals, who is it? Is that it for Andy Dalton? Are we done? I think we're done here. I think it's time to just be done... I want to see [Ryan Finley] in a game. Terrell Suggs could floss with him, that's how narrow he is.

Ben Roethlisberger gets healthier the more he gets injured

I think he gets healthier the more he gets injured if that makes sense because he had some spunk in his step. He was very demonstrative. He was like jogging back and forth. I like big been injured on the sidelines better than I like him in a game.

Shaquille O'Neal won the diss track battle against Damian Lillard

The problem was that Shaq's diss track went harder and Shaq has the power of Inside the NBA... lyrical M3 time Finals MVP MVP candidate. You are not one.

LeBron James only supports NCAA likeness rights to keep elite competition out of the NBA

He wants to players to get paid. So they're more likely to stay in college the elite players so they don't come to the NBA and compete against him. That's what's really happening.

Mark Titus had a better college basketball career than LeBron James

Last I checked our friend Mark Titus is a better college basketball player than LeBron James. He's played more minutes. He's got more rebounds. He went to a final four. Mark Titus is a better college basketball player than LeBron James.

Killer Kowalski would think modern wrestling training has 'made a bunch of pussies'

What would Kowalski say [about the Performance Center]? He would say we made a bunch of pussies. Like his version of if you did something wrong he had a plastic bag with a knot tied in the top... and he would hit you in the head with phone books.

Wrestling is about the emotional story, not the stunts

I'm a big believer in all of the stuff that we do is just stunts. The story is what gets people. There's that Maya Angelou statement of people don't remember what you say, they remember how you make them feel. I believe that's what's true in our business... it's the emotion of what you do.

Kirk Cousins is a beta for apologizing to Adam Thielen

Our long National nightmare is over. Yes Kirk Cousins apologize to Adam thielen for not throwing the ball more deep on Sunday... so such a beta so so virgin Kirk Cousins Chad Adam thielen.

The Florida Panthers are the most irrelevant franchise in the history of sports

Could you think of a more like a more forgettable franchise. Whoa. I don't think so... Florida Panthers of the most irrelevant get your charade rise in the history of sports have to be.

Mason Rudolph is not a starting quarterback in the NFL

I've said it and the end this will confirm it tomorrow night. I don't care how good [Mason Rudolph] is tomorrow night if he does really, really well. He's not a starting quarterback in the NFL. I've seen enough of his face.

The Falcons are officially dead for the 2019 season

Falcons are dead. They are officially dead... I don't even think they have like fighting them. Dan Quinn needs to be fired.

Matthew Stafford outdueled Patrick Mahomes in Week 4

Matt Stafford, I'm going to say this, Matt Stafford outdueled Patrick Mahomes. ... [Mahomes] did not look sharp. He was missing guys. He was throwing guys—he looked okay, but he wasn't Patrick Mahomes.

Patrick Mahomes is allergic to air conditioning and indoor stadiums

Mahomes first game indoors... I just think he's allergic to air conditioning... He's the reverse the maybe that is his one Kryptonite, right? The ceilings is... healing is literally the roof. He can't handle the fact that he can't throw the ball like a million million yards in the air when he's throwing it deep to someone he needs the sun. He's like a plant.

The Ravens' defense is terrible after giving up 1,000 yards in two weeks

The Ravens are looking at giving up over a thousand yards total in the last two weeks and their defense sucks. ... It is kind of confusing seeing the defense look really, really bad especially against the Browns whose offense didn't look great over the last couple of weeks.

The Ravens are frauds

The Ravens are frauds. Ravens are hot Ravens are frauds not fraudulent footballs. I don't know what fraud means in the context of football team really but it feels great to call a team a fraud.

Bruce Arians has fixed Jameis Winston

Bruce Arians... he has fixed him. Well he's gotten through to him.

Chase Daniel has a higher floor but lower ceiling than Mitchell Trubisky

I think that chase [Daniel] has a lower ceiling but a higher floor... then Mitchell [Trubisky] does. He's not going to make mistakes. He's not going to lose you the game. But... if the Bears ever get into a game where they have to score and have to throw the ball downfield he's not going to be that guy.

Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen are about to enter a 'passive-aggressive war'

After the game Adam Thielen said 'at some points we have to start being able to throw the ball downfield.' ... They're about to enter into the most passive aggressive war ever those two. It's going to be like they're going to be leaving notes for each other.

Arch Manning will be a quarterback in the NFL for 20 years

Arch Manning who's going to be a quarterback in the NFL for 20 years. Arch Manning is going to play in the NFL for 20 years isn't he? ... Some team, hopefully this is what Washington is doing, they're making dummies out of all of us and they're going to be tanking for the next five to six years just so that they can get Arch Manning.

Gardner Minshew is a lock to lead a game-winning drive in the 4th quarter

Minshew Mania is so fucking real. ... When he gets the ball in the fourth quarter and they need to go, you know, whatever 60 yards for the field goal to win the game, I don't think anyone doubted he was gonna do it. No, he's going to do it.

Joe Flacco doesn't make me feel alive as a quarterback

Joe Flacco... he wasn't bad and the defense actually had a sack... but what do you do... Joe Flacco didn't play bad are settling for him. That's what we're doing. We're selling he's tall he's on paper. He's great. But you know, he doesn't make me feel alive.

Clemson will reach the National Championship without playing an impressive game

Clemson is still undefeated... Clemson is going to go all the way to the National Championship or the college football playoff without having to play one impressive game because the ACC stinks.

Virginia will never win a big game in their 'candy-ass' orange uniforms

UVA can't win a big game. That orange, it's candy-ass. They will never win a big game. I have said it and so it hath been said. ... I just kept on seeing it, I was like this team's never going to win.

The Green Bay Packers are dead

Today is Friday, September 27th, and the Green Bay Packers are dead.

Aaron Rodgers gets 'too cool' in the red zone

As Skip Bayless said, Aaron Rodgers gets too cool in the red zone.

I would rather have an aggressive coach like Doug Pederson than a wishy-washy one like Freddie Kitchens

I'd rather live with a coach who's aggressive and tries to steal the moment than a guy who goes wishy-washy, Freddie Kitchens. Do we call it the Freddie Kitchens or the Matt LaFleur when you just passed from inside the five-yard line?

Teams that start the season 3-1 make the playoffs 70% of the time

Teams that start the season 3-1 make it [to the playoffs] 70% of the time. Right. Teams that start at 2-0-1, I guarantee you will not make the playoffs this year. We can probably take that to the bank. Poor Detroit.

The Titans will win and win convincingly against the Falcons

If a Mike Vrabel coached team is an underdog and people are counting them out, that's when you bet on them. So just take them because this is a game that the Titans will win and win convincingly.

Patrick Mahomes will throw for 6,000 yards

He's still going to throw for 6,000 yards. When I say he's taken a step back, I mean he went from 100 out of 100 to like 99.5 out of 100.

The Broncos are in a true must-win situation and will finally get a victory against the Jaguars

I think Denver finally wins again. And Denver is in a true must-win, like the season's over if we don't win.

The Browns will cover the seven-point spread easily against the Ravens

I think the Browns are going to cover seven easy. I think the Browns are going to win this game because they need it more than anyone else. I think the Ravens are slightly overrated, and the Browns are underrated, and seven seems like too much.

My 'No-Lose' Parlay: Colts, Chiefs, and Rams Moneyline

This is going to be my no-lose parlay of the week... Colts, no chance they lose to the Raiders. Chiefs, no chance they lose to the Lions. Rams, no chance they lose to the Bucs... It will not lose. And if it does, pretend that you don't know me.