Takes

Ranking Steph Curry over Kobe Bryant all-time is crazy

Bleacher Report came out with their top 50 all-time NBA players and Kobe was 14, Steph Curry is 10... They're mad. They're real mad. They're big mad.

College football is better when Nebraska is a good team

I rooting for you in Nebraska. I want you guys to be relevant again. College football is better when Nebraska's a good team. Yeah, when Nebraska's doing steroids in the 80s.

The fullback position is coming back in the NFL

But the fullback's coming back, right? You guys got a jersey up there, 42. I like what Kansas City, he [Anthony Sherman] gets after it. He's a boy dog. He'll bite you. He'll hit you.

Jon Gruden was calling out every Raiders play during the 2003 Super Bowl

[Gruden] was running as Rich Gannon. He was doing Gannon and when we go over two minutes on Fridays, he was doing there he'd take everything call out everything call out every freaking play and everything like that dink and dunk and he was actually... Yeah, he was calling exactly everything that was going on.

The fullback should be in the Hall of Fame as a position

I think there should be a fullback in the Hall of Fame. I think if you look at Moose Johnson, you look at guys like Sam Gash, you look at, you know, even Corey Schlesinger... I look at it and I'm just like, I just think that there has been, they let red guy, you let punters and stuff in. It should be a fullback, should be in the Hall of Fame.

Dan Snyder must be removed as owner of the Redskins

The nepotism, the racial slurs, the incompetent one-sided negotiations, the the awful trade deals that were getting ourselves into... it's a fucking National embarrassment... it's time that we remove Dan Snyder.

The Redskins have a zero percent chance of beating the Giants next week

Zero percent chance. Zero percent chance... even when the Giants are awful they lose by 30 in the middle and they they they they could be Giants next week zero percent chance.

The Bears are officially back after their win against the Redskins

Mitch [Trubisky] is back here... Mitch looks good last night. I'm still the jury's still out on the Bears offense, but the Bears defense is unbelievable and Khalil Mack is a problem for everyone... Bears are back. I've declared it. I think you guys feeling good after that win.

Mason Rudolph is a 'dumb face' quarterback who will never be a winning starter

Mason Rudolph has a dumb face. I've done my I've done my analysis of him. He's never going to be a winning quarterback.

Jay Gruden will be the first NFL coach fired this season

Jay Gruden. Yeah, he's gone. He's gone, maybe midseason. Who knows?... Jay Gruden is by far the most likely [to be first fired].

Humanity is on the hot seat because Boston Dynamics is creating robot super soldiers to replace us

My hot seat is humanity. Humanity officially on the hot seat because Boston Dynamics just released a video of another robot. This one's doing like parkour he's doing 360 degree spins jumps Landings. It just they're essentially creating super soldiers.

Elon Musk is actually a front for Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is actually Jeff Bezos. It's his front. So Elon Musk is like we're going to go to Mars... so everyone talks about him and then Jeff Bezos is in the background doing the real shit doing the drones doing all that.

Jeff Bezos remains bald to keep the 'fire within' to destroy the world

Bald guys are angrier... I think he keeps himself bald to keep that Fire Within. If he had his hair he be like everything's perfect. Why would I build a bunch of robot drones that could kill the world?

Short, bald men are perpetually angry because the world has given them nothing

Bald guys are angrier. It's like bald and short they're just angry at the world because the like the world the world has not given them anything... Walden short guys are just angry all the time.

LaMelo Ball is a legitimate contender to be the number one overall pick in the NBA Draft

LaMelo Ball... ESPN reporter came out today and said he is a legitimate number one pick contender now... he's doing this in MBL which as we know is owners as a very legitimate truly can he's lighting it up.

Pete Rose belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame

Pete Rose Hall of Famer has to be in. Yes. Okay.

Michael Vick is not the moral authority to criticize Cam Newton's fashion

Michael Vick saying how dare you sir to Cam Newton wearing ridiculous postgame outfits... so strong words from the moral authority of quarterback play. Stay stick to just playing football don't do anything outside of football like wearing ridiculous outfits or murdering dogs.

The NFL is experiencing a kicker epidemic where even Hall of Fame-caliber veterans are missing routinely

The NFL kicker epidemic continues, of course... but the alarming part about this is even future Hall of Famers and veterans are missing left and right. Adam Vinatieri and Stephen Gostkowski have each missed three extra points so far this season.

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

Freddie Kitchens is a dummy whose bad play-calling cost the Browns a winnable game.

Freddie Kitchens, you're a dummy. Wow. Yeah, you're a dummy. That was weird. dum-dum. That was one of the most... it was very bad play calling forth and nine.

I don't trust Matt Patricia with a lead or in the fourth quarter.

Matt Patricia twice now late game situations get super conservative and does the old like I'm trying not to lose not trying to win. He did it with the Cardinals game and it felt like the same thing this one. I don't trust him with a lead. I don't trust him in the fourth quarter.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Falcons win the Super Bowl this year.

The Atlanta Falcons are done. The Atlanta Falcons are finished. If the Atlanta Falcons win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off the tip of my pinky from the nail up.

Jacoby Brissett is a very good but 'quietly good' quarterback.

Jacoby Brissett had a 310 yard game. He's got probably the quietest—if this if Jacoby Brissett played 15 years ago, we would think he was an amazing quarterback. He's good. Yes, he's very, very good. But he's like quiet good.

The Minnesota Vikings are officially in the Done Chain.

My Done Chain, by the way, is the Vikings... I'm done hanging off of two and one because I got balls. That's why. Because Kirk Cousins, I'm that confident. This was the ultimate Kirk Cousins game.

Derek Carr will be benched or injured before the Raiders return from their 48-day road trip.

Will Derek Carr be the starting quarterback when the Oakland Raiders play their next game in Oakland?... I'm going to say it. Derek Carr will not be the starting quarterback for the Oakland Raiders when they play the next game in Oakland.

John Elway is an idiot who is ruining his legacy as the Broncos GM.

John Elway is an idiot. John Elway is a smooth idiot. If you're Broncos fan, tweet us your real thoughts about John Elway at this point. Is he at the point where he has soured your memories of John Elway?... You win two Super Bowls, but dude, you stink.

Mike Gundy will leave Oklahoma State to coach the Carolina Panthers in the NFL.

I want to put this out there in the tickler file for you... Mike Gundy taking an NFL job next year... Mike Gundy is going to Houston... or the Vikings or the Panthers. I think Gundy's wanted to go to the NFL for a while.

Frank Gore's longevity at 36 is more impressive than Tom Brady's.

Frank Gore, he's 36 years old. He's never going to stop... This would be a take: Frank Gore and his age is more impressive than Tom Brady and his age... a running back shouldn't be playing at 36.

The Buffalo Bills will win 10 games this season.

I'm going to say it. Bills are winning ten games.

It is Kyle Allen's job until Cam Newton is 100% healthy.

Cam Newton as currently stated is broken. We watch that Thursday night game. He can't hit open receivers. He misses all types of throws... Unless Cam Newton is a hundred percent, a hundred percent, I think it's [Kyle Allen's] job.

Daniel Jones is electric and is a live version of Eli Manning.

Daniel Jones, electric. Daniel Jones is electric... The difference between Daniel Jones and Eli Manning was so fucking apparent... Daniel Jones, he looks like the difference between an alive person and a dead person.

Bill O'Brien is not a good coach but will likely stay with the Texans for another 8-9 years.

I'll tell you what [Bill O'Brien] does. He's going to coach the Texans for another like eight or nine years and then he's gonna get fired and everyone's say yeah that probably makes sense. He is Not a good coach, but at the same time like is going to keep winning.

Anyone named 'Chase' is limited to being an SEC quarterback, a NASCAR driver, or an American Ninja Warrior course builder.

We realized that if your name is Chase... it's essentially SEC quarterback, NASCAR driver, and American Ninja Warrior course builder. That's it. That's it. Could you imagine being like, 'here's my doctor, his name is Chase'?

Jim Harbaugh has lost the 'juice' and will return to the NFL in the next couple of years.

I think Jim Harbaugh is going to go to the NFL in the next couple of years... His teams just don't look like Jim Harbaugh teams anymore. He's lost the juice that was like his defining quality... He feels like he's cheating on himself running this type of offense.

Wisconsin is the best college football team in the country right now.

I've officially got my hopes up for the Wisconsin Badgers season. As I sit here right now, I think they're the best team in the country.

If you live in the South, you must cancel your wedding if it is scheduled for November 9th.

PSA. If you're getting married on November 9th, and you live anywhere below, let's say Kentucky. You need to cancel your wedding right now. Because your wedding will be cursed.

Dan Snyder will offer Chip Kelly $50 million to coach the Redskins.

I'm not worried anymore about Jim Harbaugh corrupted by Dan Snyder because Snyder's definitely going to throw like 50 million dollars at Chip Kelly. That's a fact. That's how all this ends.

Joe Maddon will not return as the manager of the Chicago Cubs.

Joe Maddon out as Cubs manager... Joe Maddon will not return as manager of the Cubs. What's your Source? My brain.

Gardner Minshew's ability to make fans "feel things" is exactly what you need in an NFL quarterback

Gardner Minshew is a quarterback. We don't know if he's great yet, but what we do know about Gardner Minshew is he makes us feel things, and that's all you need from a quarterback in the NFL. You want a quarterback that makes you feel stuff. Gardner Minshew makes me feel amped up and ready to go out and get in some trouble. And that's what I want out of a quarterback.

I am officially done with Marcus Mariota

I am officially hashtag done with Marcus Mariota. Got the hashtag done. Done. I do not want to see Marcus Mariota play any more football. I'm done with him.

Ryan Tannehill will take a step forward and become a real quarterback this year

I think the Titans still are a decent team, but I actually, in a crazy world, I think Ryan Tannehill is ready to start and take a step forward. This is the year Ryan Tannehill finally takes a step forward and becomes a real quarterback.

Gardner Minshew is the permanent starter for the Jaguars even when Nick Foles returns

I don't think that you can put Nick Foles in when you have Gardner [Minshew] out here looking like Leonard Skinner's pilot, just crushing shit, just dominating, looking like he got his law degree in prison, throwing the football over the yard. You can't take that guy out of the game. He's going to be your starter.

The NFL is ruining football by calling too many holding penalties

There are way too many holding calls. I think we can all agree on that. Holding is the new fetch, and I'm sick of the NFL trying to make it happen because every single call is a holding call. It's like the old saying, you could call holding on every play. I feel like someone dared the NFL refs to actually do that this year.

I don't think Jalen Ramsey is going to stay in Jacksonville; I think the Jaguars are going to trade him

I would like to see Jalen stay in town. I don't think it's going to happen. I think they're going to trade him.

The Chiefs will cover -6.5 against the Ravens

I will go with... The Chiefs, minus six and a half, because are we sure the Ravens are as good as they think? I don't think that we are sure. They beat the Dolphins, who stink, and they barely beat the Cardinals on the road.

The Browns aren't as good as people think, so I'm taking the Rams to beat them

Essentially, my logic is that the Browns aren't as good as people are giving them credit for. I'm taking the Rams.

The Lions are better than people realize and will cover +6.5 against the Eagles

For the third week in a row, I'm taking the Detroit Lions. Plus six and a half. Don't sleep on the Lions. I still think they're a little bit better than people give them credit for. I think the Eagles are the better team, but offensive line issues, basically every wide receiver they had got injured last week. I think this might be a little bit closer.

The Packers and Broncos will hit the under 43

I'm taking the Packers and Broncos under 43. The Broncos last 10 games, 10 unders. And the Packers defense is good. I think that's going to be the easiest under of the week.

I tried to break my own hand with a hammer to get a medical redshirt at East Carolina

I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and I grab a hammer... I take a pull of Jack Daniels, put my hand down on the table and boom, boom, boom. One, two, three. Hit the hell out of my hand, dude... I couldn't break my own hand. But when I told the guys, I was like, what would you do for more football? Because I'd do damn near anything.

My dad and I would walk out as the winners in a cage match against any other father-son duo in the NFL

I'd like to see me and my dad in a cage match versus anybody, any other father-son duo. And, you know, I think we'd stand out, you know, we'd walk out, and then afterwards there's no telling who would come up to us or come on to us. It'd be fun.