Takes

NFL teams should run significantly less on first down

They should not be running as much on first down. They need to be passing the ball more. The floor on completion percentage has risen tremendously. So it's a lot more efficient to throw the football and you're not having as many of those risks that coaches get scared about.

Running the ball on 2nd and 10 is the worst thing a coach can do

They opt to run the ball on second and 10, which is the worst thing that you could do on second down because you're very unlikely to have a successful gain and you might as well just pass twice to try to convert that first down as opposed to run then pass.

A quarterback’s performance is almost impossible to evaluate independently of the quality of their play-caller

There's two things that are very difficult to separate out in football. It's very difficult to separate out the performance of a quarterback from his play caller. Those two are like married so tightly together that it's very difficult to understand the context... and then it's, of course, the running back and the offensive line. It's hard to create a value of what is the running back because he's so dependent upon that offensive line.

The Panthers will be much better than their 0-2 record if Cam Newton gets healthy

If Cam gets better, I definitely think the Panthers are much better than what the record indicates. But if Cam still is a problem, I mean, I've actually liked some things that I've seen out of Cincinnati. But I don't see a lot of upside there.

Jared Goff's performance is almost entirely tied to Sean McVay's play-calling

I personally didn't think Jared Goff was worth that contract because I thought so much of what he was doing, his performance, was tied to his head coach... Sean McVay is so great [at] projecting fourth Jared Goff to become better.

Teams should either spread the defense out at the goal line or pass out of heavy sets to maximize efficiency

If you're not the Patriots, you need to spread teams out at the goal line spread them out and run... passing out of heavy sets... is very efficient. But coaches are concerned what the repercussions are going to be. They're concerned what the press is going to say if I stick Adrian Peterson on the bench and I use Chris Thompson and then it doesn't score a touchdown.

The Patriots defense is good enough to carry their offense this season

I said this could be the season that the Patriots defense actually could carry their offense a little bit because I think this Patriots defense is damn good. Really good, really underrated.

In the modern NFL, a high-quality secondary is more valuable than elite edge rushers

Now defense is a lot more about secondary play and takeaways because more teams are passing the football. So if you can get like five good DBs out there, that's more valuable at times than having the massive strength of your edge rushers and having just adequate secondary.

I have high expectations for Josh Allen this season because the Bills fixed their receiving core

What the Bills ended up doing is going in a different direction and bringing in guys like John Brown... guys who are going to get open quickly and find holes in the defense so that Josh Allen no longer has to throw where a defender is nearby, but getting to throw to wide open space... so I have higher expectations of Josh Allen this season than I did in the past.

Downfield laterals will be the next big innovation in the NFL

In the future, more teams will look to do downfield laterals of the football because it's very difficult for the defense. It puts a lot of stress on them... If you design something off of that where you did have some semblance of success, that would be big.

Uber should have a customer service phone number for when the app fails

These things like Uber... Would it be so terrible that there was a phone number to call if the thing wasn't working? There is no phone number. There is no one out there from Uber that has to respond to anything.

Going exactly .500 over a 15-year career like Eli Manning is actually very impressive

A remarkably average career outside of those two [Super Bowls]. If you can spend your entire career... he's been in the league for 15 years. If you can go exactly .500 after 15 years of playing football, that's super impressive. If you can keep any job and be perfectly average at it for that long, then you're doing something right.

Eli Manning is a Hall of Famer because Super Bowl wins carry the most weight

The Super Bowl carries so much weight that I am totally fine with Eli Manning definitely being in the Hall of Fame because of those two runs. And they were incredible runs.

Lorenzo Neal should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame

Lorenzo Neal, eligible for the Hall of Fame. Go vote for Lorenzo Neal right now. It's been like 10, 15 years since we've had a real fullback get in. Lorenzo Neal should fucking be in the Hall of Fame.

Eli Manning will play again this season after Daniel Jones gets hurt

He's going to play again this year. Daniel Jones is going to get hurt, and Eli Manning is going to come in and win the Giants a meaningless game.

The Patriots should trade for Eli Manning just to keep him away from other teams

As a big Patriots fan, I think that we should trade for Eli Manning and just stash him. So that no other team can get him because he's the one guy that's proven that he can beat an undefeated Patriots team in the Super Bowl. So take that off the board entirely.

I love the Steelers trading a first-round pick for Minkah Fitzpatrick

The Steelers traded a first-round pick for Minkah Fitzpatrick, which I actually love, by the way. People were like, 'The Steelers, this is going to be a top-ten pick they traded.' You're trading for a guy who was just drafted 11, and you have tape on him.

The Jets' season is already over after Sam Darnold's mono diagnosis and Trevor Siemian's injury

The point is the Jets' season is over. Luke Falk is not going to be the guy. I would assume he's not going to be the guy.

Adam Gase is only considered 'nice' because he was around Peyton Manning for a brief period

Adam Gase is the perfect case of just get yourself around someone who's really good at their job once in your career and you're set. He was around Peyton Manning. They broke all the records. And now everyone since that point has been like, 'Adam Gase, kind of nice. Rub some of that magic off on me.'

Jalen Ramsey will definitely play in Thursday night's game against the Titans

He will play in Thursday night's game. I'm going to put a guarantee. If he gets traded? Yeah. Because he'll get traded to the Titans.

The Jaguars would be crazy to trade Jalen Ramsey

I think the Jaguars would be crazy to trade him. Crazy. I mean, he's really, really good. Really, really good.

Complaining on Twitter about your food being stolen is a dickhead move

I'm blaming her [Lizzo] for complaining online about it because that's a dickhead thing to do. As a fellow curvy person, you never want to tweet about your food not being there... I feel like you're just setting yourself up to get dunked on.

Mike Leach will definitely get involved in the political meme wars of 2020

He's just getting into the meme game. He's just getting into it and watch out world. He's going to as soon as he catches up... he definitely will be in the political meme wars of 2020. He's going to throw his hat in that ring. Absolutely.

Super teams have always been a part of the NBA

Super teams have always been a part of the league. You know, in the 80s, Showtime, the Lakers, Robert Parrish, Larry Bird, you know, Kevin McHale. I always tell people, the Lakers had Ron Harper. Ron Harper won five championships. They don't even mention Ron Harper.

I was very close to signing with the Chicago Bulls in 2010

I'm a Bulls fan. Chicago... You guys have said in retrospect that you were thinking about it... [Bosh]: It was very, very close. Yeah, man. Look, they had Joakim [Noah], young Derrick Rose, which he won MVP that year. Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich... It was very, and then their thing was two of three.

LeBron James is a 'good' Slytherin

[PFT Commenter]: If you were to put you, LeBron, and D-Wade into houses in Harry Potter... [Bosh]: LeBron is Slytherin. But he's the good Slytherin.

The Spurs intentionally turned off the AC during Game 1 of the 2014 NBA Finals

[Big Cat]: Do you think the Spurs intentionally turned off the AC in that final? [Bosh]: Absolutely. Of course. That's like Red Auerbach was known. If you're in Boston, the fire things that come off or whatever... I mean, he never denied it, right? But yeah, if I'm them, I'm trying to win.

LeBron James cramps more than people realize because his muscles are so dense

I knew Brian [LeBron] was going to cramp, though. Yeah, because his muscles are so dense. He cramps, like, more than you think, you know, because he's so big.

Space Jam 2 is going to suck

He's [LeBron] doing Space Jam 2, man. It's going to suck. Yeah, for sure. He'll ruin it.

Chris Bosh earned over $31,000 for every rebound in his NBA career

Chris Bosh totaled 7,592 boards, and on the court, he earned $239,063,622. Do the math. Bam. That's more than 31 grand per rebound. Not too shabby.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

The Falcons lead the league in fucking up in the red zone

The Falcons lead the league, and this is a stat I haven't looked up, but I'm just going to say it, lead the league in fucking up in the red zone. Every single Falcons game comes down to them fucking up in the red zone.

I'm considering putting the 'Dunn' chain on the Carolina Panthers

I'm considering putting the Dunn chain on the Panthers. They don't have anywhere to go without Cam Newton.

Bengals coach Zach Taylor has a sketchy vibe and doesn't pop on the sidelines

[Zach Taylor] is a tough guy to vibe out on because he looks like an assistant coach on the sidelines... I would go as far as to say he's got a sketchy vibe because you just don't know what he's doing. He shows up at a party and all your friends that are girls look at each other with side glances.

Anthony Lynn is an idiot for going into a game without a healthy kicker

Anthony Lynn, you're a fucking idiot. Because Anthony Lynn went into this game without a kicker and had his punter kick field goals, and he missed them both.

Kirk Cousins is the worst kind of quarterback because he gives you enough hope to hurt you

Nothing in this world will break your spirit faster than having to be a fan that gets excited for Kirk Cousins on a Sunday. He is the worst kind of quarterback because he's the kind that's good enough where when he fucks up, it really hurts you. It disappoints you... He is good enough to give you enough hope, where then when he fucks up, he totally drives you into deep, deep depression.

Adam Vinatieri will go to the Hall of Fame as a Patriot because he has no memorable moments as a Colt

[Adam Vinatieri is going to the Hall of Fame as] a Patriot, one of us. There's no memorable Adam Vinatieri moments on the Colts. There's nothing that's imprinted in your memory of Adam Vinatieri, game-winning kick [in Indianapolis].

The Dolphins will break the record for the biggest point spread in NFL history this season

The Dolphins are going to break, I think they are going to break a record this year for biggest point spread. They have to, right? ... next week they're playing the Cowboys at Dallas. It's probably going to be 18 again.

Josh Allen is the new recipient of the running quarterback torch from Cam Newton

I'm doing a torch update. torch being passed from Cam Newton to Josh Allen [as the best running quarterback].

Pat Shurmur is a terrible coach and should be blamed for starting Eli Manning

Are we sure that Pat Shurmur is a good coach? Because I think he fucking sucks. He is the one who keeps starting Eli Manning. That was his decision... Pat Shurmur might actually just be a terrible coach.

Big Ben is a dog that yelps and fakes an injury every time something minor happens to him

I'm a dog that just yelps every time something, someone drops... Every time you fake an injury, Big Ben. Anytime a skateboard comes near my paw, I sleep and run away. We have to take you to the vet, and it's like $700 every fucking time you fake an injury.

Ben Roethlisberger is likely at the end of the road

Big Ben is, I would say, at the end of the road. Is it fair to say? If it's bad [the elbow injury], then I don't think he's going to be able to play. I think that this could be the beginning of the end for Big Ben.

DK Metcalf is Kelvin Benjamin if he went keto for two months

DK Metcalf is big as fuck. He's like if Kelvin Benjamin went keto for like two months. He's cut up and he can run different routes.

If a rookie quarterback gets 'scarred' by starting too early, he was never going to be 'the guy' anyway

If a guy gets scarred [by playing early], he never was going to be the guy anyway. You either have the ability to overcome taking your lumps or you don't. Might as well just do it now.

Dan Snyder should sell the Redskins to save his legacy as a fan

Dan Snyder, sell the team. You're a guy that grew up rooting for the [Redskins]... Right now, your legacy is going to be the person who destroyed the thing you love the most in life. If you sell the team, then you have a chance to be known as the person who saved the thing that you grew up loving the most.

Cliff Kingsbury is a coward for settling for field goals on 4th and short in the red zone

Cliff Kingsbury, you're supposed to be this offensive genius guy... What the fuck, dude? The Cardinals in the red zone, fourth and one at the four, field goal. Fourth and goal at the two, field goal. I would rather lose trying to get one yard on fourth and goal on the one than just slowly die kicking field goals every time.

Lamar Jackson is the real deal and will be in the MVP conversation by Week 5

Lamar Jackson, get ready because week five we're going to get and it will be deserved if he keeps playing the way he is—we'll get the Lamar Jackson for MVP talk because he had almost 400 yards rushing and passing today. ... Lamar Jackson's the real deal.

Leonard Fournette sucks and is the new Trent Richardson

Leonard Fournette sucks. He approaches the line of scrimmage like Le'Veon Bell with mono. He will average 2.7 yards per carry every single season until he's out of the league. He's a Trent Richardson. We're passing the torch.

I don't think Mitchell Trubisky stinks

I know everyone's going to say, well, Mitch stinks. Listen, I don't think he stinks. I think they need to just figure out a way to win with using the things that he's good at.

Joe Flacco is the league leader in 'being there' and dumping the ball off in the flat

Joe Flacco is the league leader in being there. He's around at all times. You know that you can count on him to put together one good drive a game. But there's nothing that he loves more in this world than throwing a ball into the flat. Joe Flacco is a fetish for three-yard outs.